in "tribute" to Thanksgiving

Today I feel like I want to pillage and rape Thanksgiving just to kill the holiday for the rest of you, although at the end of this rant I will generically list things that I am thankful for.

First, there was not a Thanksgiving "tradition" until maybe the late 1700s or early 1800s. The first "Thanksgiving" with Pilgrims that they embed in our skulls like so many paper vests and bonnets was actually a celebration of the first harvest in the new world. If the Puritan Pilgrims were to give thanks for anything, they would more likely fast than feast. Maybe that is how these people picked Oliver Cromwell as their leader, they were hungry and hallucinating.

Second, although turkey would have been at the ill-named "First Thanksgiving", most of the other traditional Thanksgiving foods would have. Most of these popular foods like apples, potatoes, etc. are not native to North America and would not have arrived for at least another 1/2 century or more. Deer, clams, dried berries, corn, wild turkeys, and fish such as cod, sea bass, and eels would have been a more likely fare. So who wants to carve the Thanksgiving eel?

Finally, anybody who connects this holiday too closely to religion may be making a bit of a mistake. Remember, many of original colonies were created to profit joint-stock companies so there is a good chance that they were more thankful for the profits than the wonderful bounty that God set before them. (OK, I know this is a bit Michael Mooreish, but it fits my theme well.)

Now, what am I thankful for? (Some of these are honest and others are sarcastic):

1. my future wife
2. my family
3. that we didn't entirely wipe out the red man so I can now make a short drive to Commerce if I want to gamble legally. (social commentary in a facetious manner)
4. a Galaxy double
5. Steven Gerrard staying with Liverpool
6. the approaching World Cup
7. a fulfilling job that pays pretty well
8. a roof over my head
9. democracy
10. world peace (I almost just spit energy drink all over the screen)
11. high speed internet
12. Fox Soccer Channel
13. a church where I feel comfortable
14. books
15. Cool Ranch Doritos (do they still sell this?)
16. Bombay Sapphire Gin
17. Vons Club
18. the new clutch in my truck
19. the right to talk shit about people (Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Christian Conservatives, Democrats and Republicans, the Douchebag of the Week) on this blog and not get arrested
20. that you put in the time to read this whole post

So there you have it. Have a Grand Drunken Turkey Day.

And it seems that there are lots of douchebags in the world so I already have several nominees for next weeks award...coming Sunday night.