Douchebag of the Week - May 31, 2006

I'm trying to be more consistent with this, so I have been extra harsh on the EToWJB (aka the monkeys on typewriters) in trying to get this week's installment taken care of. Although I have posted maybe 20 different Douchebag of the Week winners, it still surprises me how easy it is to find idiotic people.

Here's your nominees:

Olga Rutterschmidt and Helen Golay: So how f'ed up do you have to be to intentionally run over two homeless men with your car? I would say 7 out of a fucked-up level of 10. To make it an 8, you would need to be doing it as part of an insurance fraud scheme. To make it a 9, you would need to be a couple of crazy-ass old ladies. These two, however, bring it to a 10 out of 10 with their complete retardedness. Not only did they meet the requirements of levels 7-9 on the fucked up scale, but they also bring in a history of 40+ lawsuits over the last 20 years. Like suing a grocery store for empty boxes falling on you. Or suing a coffee shop because another customer tried to tazer you. Since these scams didn't work, these two nasty looking old bitches went to volunteer at an L.A. area homeless shelter, got a couple of the homeless guys some life insurance, then ran the homeless guys over.


Robert and Versie Jackson: Its one thing to dislike your family. Its another thing to try to hire a hitman to kill them. But its another thing to only offer the hitman $100. That's exactly what these two wonderful people did. Unfortunately for them, although very fortunate for their grandkids, daughter-in-law, and the family dog (really), they were making the offer to an undercover cop. Why would they do this. Well, their son is going to be put on trial for molestation and he set up the meeting from jail in an attempt to eliminate the evidence against him. You know, there are some people that really belong in jail and really don't need to get out.


Madonna: Do you think that in a huge arena with thousands of people needs a little air conditioning? So do I. However, Madonna somehow feels that the A/C could still have a negative effect on her voice in a room that size. So she ordered the MGM to turn off the air. "Jeff, do you mean the MGM in Las 'hotter than hell' Vegas?" Yes I do. I'm sorry, isn't Madonna worrying about the quality of her voice like Jessica Simpson worrying about the quality of her songwriting?


Madonna again: This time she gets mad at a guy not dancing at her show. Who is this guy? He was probably dragged along to the show by his wife who was into Madonna when she was a teen. Plus, if you don't want people to stand around bored as hell at your show - stop sucking.


And the "winner" is...

Anybody who buys this video game: Are you familiar with the "Left Behind" series of books? If not, it is a long-running series of books written at the 5th grade level telling an completely unrealistic story of the biblical end-of-the-world. The authors are taking in cash hand over fist while uneducated tremble in fear that they are not going to disappear when Jesus comes back and be "left behind." In any case, they are now making a video game. Not just any video game, but a violent video game. Yes, very Christian of you. According to the description, players will be armed for a military-style crusade to "convert people" by blasting them to pieces. I'm hoping that they go really biblical and have crucifixions, people skinned alive, turn people into salt, feed them to the lions, etc. However, they are probably not that creative.

Sometimes the good guys actually win...

In the movies, the good guys always win. However, it seems to me that more and more, the bad guys in real life win more often. For example, a company like Halliburton gets billions of dollars screwing Americans by stealing their tax dollars through no-bid contracts and by charging $50,000 for a bed. William Jefferson gets caught taking bribes and assholes from both parties defend him saying that it was illegal to search his office...the office that we pay for with our taxes. Barry Bonds caught Babe Ruth for 2nd all-time on the home run list. Politicians and their supporters are creating a new environment of racial hatred with the immigration issue.

But then the sun shines again...

Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted this week of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud for their roles in the accounting fraud at Enron. They could be sentenced to life in prison if the judge goes harsh on them, which I've heard he is expected to do. Unfortunately, they will serve time in "ClubFed", a federal white-collar prison that seems to be completely different from the popular view of Federal "Pound me in the ass" prison. I really feel like this type of crime should be considered on the same level as most murders. A murderer usually takes a few lives. These guys ruined the lives of thousands of people. I don't support the death penalty, but life is prison should be an automatic. They should also not be able to protect their assets.

Its coming...

I'm done with the joke where I talk about an exciting event this summer, get you thinking that I am talking about my wedding, then say its the World Cup. In person, I will still use this joke, however.

First, I am really excited about my upcoming wedding. The World Cup can't really compete with that. World Cup comes every 4 years where a wedding is maybe once every 10-15 years.

As far as the World Cup goes, I am suffering from terrible anxiety. This weekedn in San Diego, I saw a cat with an anxiety disorder that was missing most of the hair on the back 1/3 of its body. With only 16 days before game 1 (Germany vs. Costa Rica) and 19 before the U.S. opens with the Czech Republic, I am an absolute nervous wreck. Thinking about it now, I realize its World Cup that has cost me a good night's sleep for the last week. I got my new authentic US away jersey with the number 22 and Onyewu on the back. What does authentic really mean. The shirt is more expensive and runs really small (i.e. it shows off my "pecs"). The shirt is hanging like a Draconian sword from my deskchair reminding me that the U.S. is staring down the toughest group in World Cup and we lost to Morocco last night. Also, U.S. Captain Claudio Reyna came up lame last night, although reports said that the prognosis is good.

The reminders are constant and wherever I turn. Even ESPN and ABC keep reminding me that its "more than just a game" while Gatorade tells me "Its a whole new ballgame."

I need a beer. And HD. And Tivo. And a job that gives me June off every 4 years.

Holy Lord, please bring us victory. At least against the Czechs and Ghana. A draw with Italy will do.

Douchebag of the Week - May 23, 2006

So I'm clearing the dust off of the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan "Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week" Award. Why? Because Pat Robertson is back in the news and that deserves recognition.

First, the nominees that did not win:

Jesus Camp: The award goes to the people in the movie, not the makers. "Jesus Camp" is a documentary about kids that attend a summer camp that will train them to be evangelists. Look, I'm a good Christian boy (most of the time), but I will always rail on people playing on the vulnerability of kids. The link above goes to the Variety site, where you will find a clip from the movie. Near the end the lady says something about how if Harry Potter was real he would be sent to hell, or something to that effect. Check it out. She's really peaceful sounding. Actually, I think she may be the sister of the crazy Christian lady from Trading Spouses.

Vidmantas Sungaila: Good ol' Viddy was arrested for drunk driving in Lithuania. Police reported that his blood-alcohol level was 18 times the legal limit. He should have been dead, but instead he was driving. His excuse? He has too much the night before and tried a little "hair of the dog" by pounding a pint for breakfast.

Country radio and its listeners: Yes, they deserve the award for playing country music, but that's not what this is for. Remember the Dixie Chicks? Not many people do. Their career has been on the down low since they criticized the Iraq war back in '03. Now they have put out a new album that is highly critical of Bush. Taking a page from "Hitler's Guide to Opressing Free Thought" country music stations all over the country have pulled it from their playlists. Sure, they'll play a song where the singer talks about putting his boot up Osama's ass, but not this.

William Jefferson: I know, I know. Its shocking that there is political corruption coming out of Louisiana, but its true. And before you go crazy, its a Democrat for once. So Mr. Jefferson was caught accepting bribes. Just a few weeks before, when the news broke about the possibility, Jefferson denied wrong-doing. What now? Well, he is claiming that the search of his office was aviolation of the separation of powers. OK, except, as a reporter pointed out, they had a warrant. The best line from the evidence comes from a point where Jefferson reportedly joked about him and a partner passing notes like the FBI was watching. His partner was wearing a wire. Also, he was caught in the same place as Monical Lewinsky and Larry Franklin (he was caught passing secrets to Israel). This guy really deserves to win, but as you will read, there is only one person douchey enough to take the prize.

And the winner...

Who else, but our beloved Pat Robertson. What for? Well, it turns out that our dear friend Pat claims that he can leg-press 2000 pounds. I'm not kidding. Check the link. Look, I will rightfully claim that I have very strong legs. When at the gym, I generally will do sets of leg presses at around 200+ pounds. The record for the leg press at Florida State is 665 pounds. So this guy must be full of crap. How does he do it? By drinking a protein shake. No, seriously.

New blogs

I spent the weekend in San Diego and found out that two of my friends have blogs.

Michelle (and her nerdy husband John) were my roommates for about 3-4 months after college. And by roommates I mean that I lived in their house and paid the rent by doing work for them. She recently quit teaching and is going into afklsdfskj (I really don't know what you call it, but she does facials and things like that). There are a lot of cool things about Michelle and if you should check out her blog.

Julia is a hippy vegan that criticized my blog for its simple template. Actually, she is a fellow UCSD alum and good friend. Her blog has a lot more writing than mine and she is much more poetic. Sure, she has a custom template, but I use the word douchebag a lot more than she does. Check out her blog.

Bush is a dirty spy, Part 6

OK, so the news that the government is buying our phone records is not new, but I want to add my view anyways. Really, this seems pretty innocent. I don't even have a regular phone, so they aren't going to find my records. However, I think the outcry from liberals should not be surprising since it seems like they (we...kinda) don't trust the administration to use this data appropriately. Just what are they going to find? Who knows, but if I were you I would change to Qwest just to be safe or even go with Skype or Vonage. They don't have accurate records.

Here is the real question, though. If they are so confident about the legality of these practices, why are they so secretive about these programs? The simple answer from supporters is that you need to keep these programs secret in order for them to be effective. Here is the scenario they see:

CIA: Hands up terrorist, you're under arrest!
Terrorist: You got me infidel, but how did you figure out my evil plan?
CIA: We were wiretapping your phone and heard your plan.
Terrorist: You can do that?!? I never knew that the U.S. had that ability.
CIA: That's why we control the world.
Terrorist: Man, do I feel sheepish. Well done.

Do they really think the terrorists just use the phone freely to discuss their plans? I'm sure they know that wiretapping is 1930s technology and they do a lot to protect their conversations. So I ask again, why so secretive? I would argue that they are using this technology and data for other reasons. Any terrorist plan that gets busted by wiretapping was likely going to fail either way.

In memory

Some numbers:

In 2005, more than 3 million people worldwide died from AIDS.
Every year in the U.S., around 15,000 people die from AIDS.
Right now, there are over 40 million people in the world living with HIV.

This week, my Uncle Rick lost his partner Vince to AIDS. This is the second time that this has happened to him. Vince was one of the kindest, most friendly, and real people that I got to meet during my life. That was why he was such a good match for my uncle, who is also nice to a level that I aspire to.

AIDS has not gone away. Its just not in the news as much as terrorism, although it kills a lot more people.

AIDS doesn't just infect bad people, drug users, those with promiscuous sexual habits, etc. AIDS infects people who love other people. AIDS infects children (over 500,000 died in 2005). AIDS infects people that you and I know.

When you hear someone make derogatory comments about people living with HIV or AIDS and how they were infected, please think about my uncle and Vince and how their kindness could not protect them, although it allows them to have dignity and honor.

For more information on AIDS and HIV visit the Center for Disease Control

Corrupt Intelligence Agency?

Things look like they are falling apart at the CIA. After being head of the CIA for less than 2 years, Porter Goss resigned somewhat mysteriously. Now another higher-up is stepping down. "Dusty" Foggo (real nickname, not just a porn name) called it quits as he is being investigated for ties with the same guy that bribed San Diego's Randy "Duke" Cunningham. Not only that, but many stories are talking about these "poker parties" that Foggo (and maybe Goss?) attended that were hosted by Brent Wilkes, the guy that bribed Cunningham. OK, so middle-aged men playing poker and having a few drinks is not the biggest deal, but I think the fancy hotel rooms, limos and hookers that Wilkes bought them might be.

Here's the funny part about this story. First, some of these parties allegedly took place at the Watergate Hotel. Yep, the same one that Nixon's "plumbers" broke into to spy on the Democrats. Second, what's up with these nicknames? "Duke" and "Dusty" having booze-poker-hooker parties? It makes me wonder what Porter Goss's nickname is. Maybe it sticks with the "D" patter like "Destro" from GI Joe or maybe it sticks with the cowboy theme like "Quick Draw" or "Texas Jack". Maybe it follows the nerdy "Scooter" Libby pattern and is something like "Lil' Slugger" or "Lefty". I think I need a cool political nickname, but I want to go more in the direction of Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, except without the corruption. Maybe something more like Homer Simpson's "Max Power" would be cool. In any case, Letterman had a Top 10 several years back of Nicknames the politicians would take on if they were pro wrestlers.

New Gnus

So, this is a gnu (a.k.a. wildebeest). Notice that the one on the right is a new-born, thus a new gnu.

Some comments on recent news:

Zacarias Moussaoui: So he was spared the death penalty, and I think that is good. First, it shows that despite his arrogance and lack of remorse, we are sometimes a country of logic and reason. Emotions would have told these jurors to string this guy up, but they looked at reason instead. Plus, this guy thinks he's getting 71 virgins or whatever once he dies, so he'll have to wait for that. He'll only be out of his cell for 1 hour a day, and I think that could be the riskiest one hour of his life. A great quote from the judge: "You came here to be a martyr and die in a big bang of glory...but to paraphrase the poet T.S. Eliot, instead you will die with a whimper." On his way out of the courtroom, Moussaoui said "America, you lost. I won." Really? If getting life in maximum security prison for not actually carrying out your mission is winning, then I guess Angola really has a shot at the World Cup.

May 1 Protests: OK, so there really isn't much more in the news about this, which is essentially my point. Immigration as an issue will stay in the news, but these weak attempts at protest will never stick around for too long. I'm trying to think of ideas for immigrants to make their opinions count. Besides the obvious - voting - I'm short on ideas, but I will think of something.

U.S. announces World Cup roster: Some surprises, many not. I'm actually going to go through each player and give my opinion on their role, plus what I think about those that were left out. If you are not interested, just keep reading because there is more exciting news to come.

Chris Albright: He wasn't on the first roster, but replaces Frankie Hejduk, who is injured (ACL). Chris started his career as a striker, but now starts as an outside defender for the LA Galaxy. He can play other spots, which is why I thought he would make the original roster. He needs more time to develop and I don't think he'll get much time on the pitch in Germany.

DaMarcus Beasley: At 145 lbs., DMB is a little small, but he is seriously quick. Teams have taken to the tactic of beating him up, but he usually gets up and presses on. Some say that he has not done well this season with PSV, but that club seems to like him. He is a big threat on the wing and will be very beneficial in getting behind some of the slower defenses (i.e. Brazil). He will be in the starting 11.

Carlos Bocanegra: One of the Americans that regularly starts in England, Carlos is a strong defender, but often makes the small mistakes that could cost a US team at the World Cup. I think he's 50/50 to start, but I'm sure he'll get some time.

Steve Cherundolo: Not a guaranteed starter, but will fight with Bocanegra to get time. Cherundolo is not my favorite player, but is quietly consistent. He is short (5'6") and little (145 lbs.), which makes me wonder how effective he can be at a bigger stage.

Brian Ching: I am stunned that he made this roster over Taylor Twellman. I'm not a big fan of either player, but Twellman puts away opportunities where Ching misses absolute sitters. He has been hot to start the MLS season and his height and size are pluses, which is the only reason why I think he made the roster. I don't see him getting a minute of playing time unless there is an injury.

Jimmy Conrad: I'm not surprised that he made the list, but I'm pissed that he did. Yes, he was the MLS Defender of the Year in 2005, but he looked completely overwhelmed and out of place during international competition. With the other quality defenders on the roster, I don't think Conrad will do much besides bring Gooch some water.

Bobby Convey: Convey has had a great season bringing Reading into the Premiership next season and I hope that he gets some time in Germany. However, we are deep in the midfield and he may only see time with injuries or in a blowout. However, in my opinion, he could be the breakout player this year in the midfield for the U.S. He has lots of international experience and seems to be loaded with confidence.

Clint Dempsey: The worst rapper in MLS completely deserves this spot. During our boring 1-1 draw with Jamaica last month, Dempsey came on and brought tons of energy and hustle. He is aggressive and skilled with his feet. Only 23, he will be a starter in South Africa 2010 (I think) and may get a European contract in a few years.

Landon Donovan: This guy is pretty good. I think he has accepted his role as an attacking mid instead of a scorer. Landycakes has faced a great deal of criticism over his decision to leave Leverkusen in Germany and come back to MLS. However, people that deny his ability are just kidding themselves. A sure starter, he will be the playmaker for this team and maybe the leading scorer. Although Landon has a tendency to dive internationally, he has moved away from that a bit. Look for him to make his place as an international superstar again and possibly re-gain the respect and eye of some European clubs.

Cory Gibbs: I really have not seen a lot of Gibbs on the field, but can say that he is relatively inexperienced. Don't expect to see much of him.

Marcus Hahnemann: The English Championship's keeper of the year seems to be the likely heir to Keller's throne. The US has tons of great keepers and Hahnemann is one of the best. He will become a star next year in the Premiership. Unfortunately for him, Kasey Keller has been there and done that. If Keller were to get injured, we don't lose much with this backup.

Tim Howard: What can you say about Timmer. Great keeper that looked to be the new guy for the U.S. has lost his spot at ManU and who knows what is in his future. However, I'm not sure that too many countries can say that their 3rd keeper is as good as ours.

Eddie Johnson: If he gets a shot and stays healthy, EJ just might have a break-out cup. He's super fast and has a knack for finding the net. He scored 7 goals in 7 games during qualifying, but has been battling a foot injury. Really, though, he is the next big thing up front for us.

Kasey Keller: Some (like me) were surprised that he did not start in the 2002 World Cup, but there is no doubt that Keller is the #1 guy for the U.S. and one of the best in the world. He has posted clean sheets in almost 50% of his international appearances. Kasey is a great shot-stopper and has all of the tools to stare down Italy's Francesco Totti and Czech's Milan Baros (not to mention any other striker in the world.)

Eddie Lewis: Old man Lewis is one of Arena's favorites, and why not? A bit old at 32 (old in soccer years), Eddie is still quick and has a great left leg - ask Mexico's 2002 WC team. Defensively, he could be a weak spot against quicker attackers, but his ability to push up the wing makes him a likely starter, or at least a regular sub.

Pablo Mastroeni: I hope Andrew reads this since he doesn't think much of Mastroeni. I, however, think that he is one of our better players. He is tough in the middle and has enough speed to chase down attackers. You will not see him play much of a role in the attack and his name isn't called a lot by ignorant American broadcasters, but there will be some attackers who remember his name the next morning when they see the bruises. He does need to keep his cool, although he also has the ability to get under the skin of the opposition.

Brian McBride: This will certainly be McHead's last cup, but he will for sure be the starter up front for the Americans. He is strong in the air and can set up goals as much as he can score them. Watch for him on set plays and when we get a player open for crosses on the wing. However, we need the midfield to give him quality service. If that service comes, though, he will finish.

John O'Brien: I'm also surprised to see JOB on the squad since he has been injured for most of the last year. Many of the players on the national side consider him one of the best US players. John was part of the Ajax organization (a world-famous Dutch team) since he was 17 and it has showed. Now he is a member of the shite ChivasUSA side, and we'll see if he can gain match fitness before June.

Ben Olsen: I'm a bit surprised to see Ben on the roster. He may play more into the 2010 and 2014 cups. I would be surprised to see him play this time around.

Oguchi Onyewu: During this cup I will be wearing a #22 Onyewu US jersey. Gooch is big and strong, everything that a defender should be. During the qualifying match with Mexico, he made Jared Borgetti his bitch and then stared him down. I predict that this will be a break-out cup for Gooch and that he will have some offers from one of the major European leagues. I really want to see him knock Baros out of his shoes.

Eddie Pope: Pope will likely start in the middle of the U.S., but he's not my favorite player and would not be surprised to see him benched in favor of another defender should he make a mistake or if Arena is forced to go to a 3-back formation. I'm not saying that Pope sucks, but I just think he's a bit overrated.

Claudio Reyna: The skipper is respected by players all over the world, and deservedly so. Although he has been injured a lot in the recent years, Reyna is the leader of this team and provides a calming voice of experience in the middle. Claudio is a classy player and I will miss seeing his monkey-ish face coming out of a U.S. kit after this cup.

Josh Wolff: Another player that is not a surprise, but who is not, in my opinion, the best option up front for us. He will likely be the starter though. Wolff does have the ability to create chances, but isn't much of a goalscorer himself.

Players that I am surprised to not see: Steve Ralston, Taylor Twellman, Gregg Berhalter, Conor Casey, Pat Noonan, Chris Rolfe

And don't be surprised to not see Freddy Adu on the list. He is only 16 (turns 17 next month) and still lacks experience playing with the big boys. He is almost a sure thing on the 2010 squad.

In any case, we are only 36-37 days from the first game on June 9 and the US opens its tough group stage with the Czech Republic on June 12th at 9am. It will be the highlight of my summer. OK, I've made that joke a few times and it doesn't get old for me.

Oh, and there is nothing else to read in this post, I just said that to get you to read all of the soccer stuff.

May 1 boycotts...part dos

I made a point to listen to some of the more conservative talk radio shows on my way home from work today. Their take was basically the same as the protests...called immigrants a bunch of criminals. KFI radio did their own take as they had people call in and say how their day was better without immigrants. Most of the comments talked about the lack of freeway traffic.

What do I think was accomplished today? The issue was back in the news. That's about it. Students that were in class today told me that their parents went and got gas, food, etc. yesterday just so they would not have to buy today. I guess 90%+ of the truck drivers at the port in Long Beach didn't show up, but they were not mostly immigrant. They worked Saturday and Sunday to get some things done and to "avoid trouble" today.

My students that did not show up missed a day of education as I went about my business as usual. They'll just have to catch up. Many probably will complain, but I told them that we would be doing what we had been scheduled to do for the last 2 weeks. Oh well. No staff members missed today at school that I know of. I was in the office when the word came thay no custodial staff was out "sick".

Numbers are mixed on the protests. Some sources say 1 million while others say 300,000 and others say 50,000. To me, the numbers are pretty insignificant. This will pass as did the other one. Until immigrants become a significant and active voting block they will be ignored. Well, unless they sing the national anthem in Spanish, which is getting a lot of people into an uproar. Hell, let's sing it in Arab as far as I'm concerned. Why does it really matter? Most Americans at sporting events barely take their hats off or even stay quiet. Do we get on their case? Nope.

May 1 boycotts

Just a little update about the effect that today's boycott has had on my classroom. I can't speak for the whole school or the whole district.

In my first period class, there were 18 students out of 38 in class. Homeroom had 15 out of 35. My 3rd period had 18 out of 38. I originally thought that it would be mostly good students in class and the rest at home. However, there was a pretty even mix of good and bad students. In fact, my 3 best were out during third. Just to give you an idea, I normally have 7-10 students absent during each class on a regular day.

What does this mean? I really don't know. Based on talking to students on Friday, I would say that a good number of them, maybe 50%, are really just staying home because they can. Then maybe 30-40% are staying home as a protest, but probably don't understand the issue and will likely not attend a rally. The other 10-20% really have an understanding, but maybe 1/2 of those or less are likely to attend the rally.

In any case, that's my first-hand view of things.

Edit: Rest of the day # that showed up. Per. 4= 14 out of 40 Per. 5= 18/38 Per. 6= 15/36

I figured (in my head without a calculator) that makes about 40% avg. attendance.