Douchebags, Commies, and Textbooks

First, I know that I promised that there would be a new Douchebag of the Week, and it is coming...next week while I am on Spring Break. I'm building a collection right now and the monkeys are typing away furiously at their machines.

Second, I went to a meeting today to discuss which textbook we are adopting in LAUSD next year for social studies. Well, we don't get a huge choice since there was a committee of teachers that met over the summer and looked through the 7-8 submissions for each core class (World History, U.S. History, Government, Economics) and they cut the choices down to about three and the Board narrowed even further in some cases. And let me tell you, textbooks are BIG MONEY my friends, and especially when the company has a chance to sell books to the 2nd largest district in the country. Its sort of like the drug companies buying lunch for doctors almost every day except they only have to kiss our asses once every 6-7 years, which is how often we adopt new books.

(NOTE: there are some classified/confidential issues involved here, so I am not going to mention specific companies or tell you who we are likely to choose)

So our meeting was held at Pickwick Gardens in Burbank, which is a banquet hall/bowling alley/ice skating facility. No, we weren't discussing the books between frames and pitchers of MGD, but we were fed in large amounts. When I got there a "continental breakfast" was waiting. Not the Days Inn continental breakfast with danish, shitty muffins, and a carton of Donald Duck Orange Juice. Well, OK, there were Danish and shitty muffins, but also cereal, granola, juice, coffee, tea, bagels, fruit, and (to my excitement) fresh hard-boiled eggs. These were some good-ass eggs too. No green stuff on the yoke. So I had two eggs, a slice of bagel with cream cheese, some tasty coffee and some Tropicana OJ, which was in individual bottles.

Then we went to presentations for our first two companies. They gave us free totebags, which were actually of good quality, and a copy of the teacher and student editions of their books. As we went through the books they told us how these books are so good we don't even need to show up. Now, textbooks have come a long way since I was in high school. These days, the supplemental material they give us fill a 2-foot long box. However, that box is really obsolete since everything in the box, including both the student and teacher books, are on a CD. Often, they give us enough CDs that we can let students take them home and load them onto their home computers. PLUS, the two companies that I saw were offering us a free laptop or LCD projector for every ____ amount of books we buy. See what I mean? There's some serious scrilla flying around here.

After these two 30 minute presentations they gave us more food. It was mostly the same breakfast food, but they added more fruit and various granola bars. I had a banana and tried to kill my headache with 2 more cups of coffee and some water. Plus, I snagged a Nutri-Grain bar for later, although I never ate it.

Then I went back to the same companies and heard about their books for other subjects and got more free crap. Nothing too exciting, except now I have 4 totebags full of books and stuff. Really, though, the technology is mind-numbing at some point. Right now my technology is a laptop, LCD projector, and PowerPoint. These new books have video clips, interactive maps, extra help on their websites, pre-made PowerPoints, test-makers, lesson planners, etc. One publisher had this game-type deal where you got 40 remote controls and a sensor. The remotes have buttons A-H and you can put questions up on the screen. They point the remote at the sensor and click their answer. When the teacher hits some button on the computer, the screen shows how many people picked each answer. Then I can print a report that shows me which student picked which answers and which questions most students got wrong. There is also an option where one of the buttons can be a buzzer. Crazy. I'm not saying that we picked this company or that this was a good or bad tool, I'm just telling you about some of the crazy crap available (that's my attempt at a disclaimer).

Next was lunch. Now, please realize that its only 11:30 and I was just eating breakfast about 3 hours ago. Two salads, penne pasta with some kind of cream sauce, rice pilaf, chicken, and beef (tri-tip?). I had Caesar salad, a little rice, a little pasta, chicken, and one piece of beef. Here's the thing about the chicken: it was actually fish. I swear to God, it looked like chicken until I cut it. Now, I'll eat beef or chicken that has been kept hot in a chafing dish over Sterno, but I won't even eat fresh fish. It was all good, except the chicken/fish. I went to get some more iced tea and saw the desserts. Of course they had the standard cookies and brownies, but they also had bread pudding. I had a bit and it was good, but my stomach was full from too much water and coffee.

Now we discussed the books in grade-level groups. This is the part where I won't write much, but let's just say that there are some teachers that really don't get it. One guy wanted to pick a textbook simply because his school would get more free crap (laptops and projectors). In any case, it comes down to us picking one book as a school from the short list and hoping that we get them before the school year starts. I, however, already have my copy so I'm set. Shit, I have two copies of some of them.

Finally, we met as a large group. More food. This time there were cups put out and there were various bowls with Whoppers, Gummi Bears, peanuts, and pretzels. This is MAYBE 90 minutes after lunch. I love whoppers with a passion, but I just could not stomach the idea of more food (is that a pun?). However, one of my colleagues thought that I was joking about Whoppers being good so I ate one just to show him that they weren't disgusting.

So that was my day. I avoided our earthquake/evacuation drill and got a bunch of free food and books. Its a really interesting process, although a bit convoluted when it involves a district the size of LAUSD.

Third, I went to see Mikhail Gorbachev speak last night at the Civic here in Pasadena. I have a lot to say about that, but I am too tired to deal with it now. I promise to make an attempt to write about it tomorrow.

My new hero...sort of

OK, I really don't condone this type of behavior, but I will make an exception in this case. Yesterday, during the Padres/Giants home opener, a fan threw a syringe at Giants' outfielder Barry Bonds. In case you were not aware, Bonds has been accused (***cough***guilty***cough***) of using steroids by a lot of people, including the author of a new book, Game of Shadows. Throwing something like that onto the field is a violation of a number of rules and puts some people in danger (barely - that's if the needle was connected) and that person should have been ejected from the park. However, it was really damn funny.

Here's my take on Bonds. As a rookie in 1986, Bonds weighed maybe 160-170 (I'm guessing based on the fact that he was skinny, but an athlete). These days, Bonds weighs in at a more hefty 230. OK, yeah, he's older and likely would have put on weight, but that's a good chunk of beef. Besides the visual proof, Bonds's trainer was connected to BALCO, a company that pushed the new "supplement" that Bonds used to bulk up. This company also worked with Bill Romanowski, the now disgraced former NFL player who admitted to steroid use. In my view, all of Bonds's career statistics should be erased and he should be banned from the league and made ineligible for the Hall of Fame. Not only is he clearly using drugs to enhance his performance, but he is a total asshole. I mean, he has a clause in his contract that gives him two lockers so he can have a big screen in one of them. He also gets a recliner next to the double locker. Who the hell does he think he is? As a kid I dreamed of being a pro ball player and would have been more than happy with one locker, a uniform, and a nice folding chair. So not only is he a user, but he's also a dick. Now, there is nothing wrong with being a dick, but the two together makes me hate him more. Mark McGwire likely used steroids as well, but he also gave a ton of money to charity and was a nice guy, so he got away with it. Plus, a skinny Mark McGwire hit 49 homers during his rookie season. Look at the current home run king, Hank Aaron. As a 17 year-old trying out for the Dodgers, he was knocking balls out of the park while holding the bat wrong. He was a home run hitter and deserves to hold that record until a non-steroid user breaks it.

In any case, I also think that is says a lot that legendary Dodger announcer Vin Scully does not want to call Bonds's record-breaking home run. I hope he gets the chance to say what he wants to say, because Vin is untouchable and could say whatever he wanted about Bonds.

The Office

Did anybody catch those fake PSAs by the people in The Office? Neither did I, but somebody pointed them out to me and they are really funny. You should check them out here.

You can't spell really stupid asshole without R-U-S-H

Maybe this needs to be a regular submission, but Rush Limbaugh had another great one today. So he's talking about George Mason University. No, he's not excited about their Cinderella trip to the Final Four. He's up in arms over the fact that GMU has a campus in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. In fact, he said that it seems like there is a cover-up and suggested that they should be taken out of the Final Four if it wasn't too late. How secretive is this UAE campus? Look here: George Mason University's official website. Where can you find information about this UAE campus? Its top secret, so nowhere of course. Except if you click on "Campus Information" and see it in the list of campuses. I'm worn out from the 15 seconds it took me to find that.

So far, so good

Yesterday's rumors said that students would start walking out at the end of 1st period. We are now past 1st and homeroom, going into 2nd and it looks like nothing is happening. It is raining a bit, and maybe that had an effect on the plans.

There is going to be a forum at lunch today where students can bet information about the law and maybe have some discussion. We'll see if anybody is willing to give up their private social time at lunch to voice their opinion.

2,000 visits

Congratulations to Lauri for being the 1,002,000th visitor to the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan (since I started the counter). At least I assume it was Lauri since the visitor was in Pomona during the day. As a prize, I think I'll give you the prize that we never gave Randy for winning the Essay contest. I actually think you might like it.

You thought I was done with the protesting?

There are strong rumors about the possibility of another walkout tomorrow. I was supposed to be in Burbank at a meeting to choose new textbooks for social studies, but the rumor is strong enough that they cancelled the meeting. In any case, keep your eyes open and realize that not all LAUSD students are uninformed, irresponsible truants.

More on the immigration issue

Just a few scattered ideas about immigration and protests:

1. One of my arguments is that we need to ease restrictions on allowing people to come into the United States to work. In my view, there is no reason to keep someone from coming here to earn a better life. If you want to see what the procedures are to come here legally, check out this government website. Did you go to the site? I did and it was confusing as hell. Now, here's my thoughts. When writing about the whole wiretapping scandal, one of the arguments that Republicans made was that the process to get a FISA warrant was too difficult, which meant that they could go around the rules a bit. Well, now that this process has become too difficult, these immigrant workers are just going around it. Didn't they say that was OK? Hmmmm...?

2. A point that I had made in my first post about this issue was that carrying a Mexican flag to one of these protests defeated the true purpose of the protest. Having said that, it has come to my attention that the organizers of the Downtown L.A. protest told people to wear white and to bring American flags. It seems to me that the people that are really fighting to protect their opportunity for a better life do want to be part of this country.

3. And you know what? Being part of this country does not mean you have to dump your old culture. Remember the whole "our country is a melting pot" idea from elementary school? Well, that has been changed from melting pot to a salad. In a melting pot, each individual ingredient loses its characteristics and becomes one homogeneous goo. In a salad, the ingredients retain their individual qualities and combine flavors to make a delicious light meal. What is "American culture"? To me, its the combination of every place our families come from. So I welcome the cultures from Latin America, Asia, Europe (even France), Africa, etc. We don't criticize people that speak Italian or Dutch or German in our streets, but we are quick to say that Spanish-speakers need to learn English.

4. My solution to the problem? Let people come here to work. Work with the Mexican government to make sure that people coming over are not criminals, drug dealers, etc. What gives me the right to be an American citizen? I was born here. What part did I play in that? None. I did nothing to earn my citizenship. At some point my parents' families came over from Scotland, Denmark, Germany, etc. and started living. So what makes me special. Well, now I pay my taxes, vote, and follow the laws (mostly). Why not let people earn their way here by working. Give them a chance to be citizens without having to go through a huge amount of bureaucracy. Most of us didn't have to.

5. The students that were part of the protests Monday who left school just for the sake of leaving school did something pretty stupid. However, the people that use these students as an example of why immigrants are bad are just as stupid. Do you really want to base your argument on immigrants on the decisions made by teenagers? Every conservative radio host (Rush, John and Ken, Elder, Bill Handle, etc.) that used these kids (yes, kids) to show how careless immigrants are really need to look at who they are talking about. When I was teaching at Redlands, I had a student who used a Dorito bag to pull his friend's turd out of the toilet and threw it into the pool so he wouldn't have swim practice. Is he a good example of how white citizens behave? Hell no. He's a good example of a dumb teenager. Find someone your own age to pick on.

That's it for now.

New format

At some point today my blog decided to stop working correctly. Last time this happened I changed the template and that solved the problem. So, I did the same today and we are back on track with a more formal and less artsy color scheme. Everything else should be about the same.

I promised a new DotW soon, but I am really lacking in motivation right now.

Walkout update

Despite what most local media is reporting, not all of LAUSD was on lockdown today. In fact, although we were told that we may go on lockdown at the start of first period, it was cancelled about 10 minutes before school started. There were no walkouts by any students today at our school, although I heard there may have been some in other schools. However, there was nothing significant enough to report.

There was varied response from students. Many of my students made fun of those that participated in the walkout because they wanted to ditch. I asked those that did walk out if they would have gone to an after school rally. About 1/2 said that they would not, at which I suggested that they may be involved for the wrong reasons. I shared my views of the pending legislation and talked to them about protest a bit. My biggest point came in asking them about the news coverage that they saw about the walkouts. They all noticed that most of the coverage involved the students jumping fences, walking on the freeway, and the few that decided to throw rocks or bottles. I pointed out that the same people that supported this law will likely use these as examples of why some immigrants should not be allowed in. If anybody denies this, then they are simply clueless because that is exactly what the conservative talkshows were doing yesterday and this morning.

Some of my students are actually coming to me to get help in writing to elected officials and one even wants to do research about successful latinos that are 1st generation born in the U.S.

One student asked what people who supported this law would say about the protest. I reminded him about what the news showed and also pointed out that many talk shows (Rush and pretty much every other KFI show) were saying that people carrying the Mexican flags at these protests should go back to Mexico. I also mentioned that the people that organized the rally downtown on Saturday asked people to bring American flags.

All in all, I think this subject will likely die down by the end of the week, although there was talk of another walkout tomorrow or Thursday. Maybe it all depends on the rain.

Big Day for LA

If you are living in a cave, you may not know that there were massive walkouts today all over Southern California, LA Unified, and my school specifically. These walkouts were inprotest of HR 4437 (to amend the Immigration and Nationality Act to strengthen enforcement of the immigration laws, to enhance border security, and for other purposes) which tightens restrictions on illegal immigrants and those that help them.

First, if you are not familiar with this bill, it does a lot to criminalize illegal immigrants in the United States by making their "presence" an "aggravated felony." It also makes it a crime to aid illegal immigrants and increases the penalties for hiring them. Although this provision also meant that churches and other charities would be effected, this part was amended today to give exception to churches and charities.

Now, my view of what happened today, at least at my school. Shortly after 1st period, some students began gathering and others simply began leaving campus. We went into lockdown, which means all students that were not in a classroom were herded quickly into their homeroom or into the nearest classroom. Those that were not in classrooms were considered part of the walkout. We remained in lockdown from about 9:00 until 11:15. During this time, there were PA announcements stating that students that participated in the walkout would face every possible consequence for truancy. Some were taken to the multi-purpose room and others just stood around, which I know since I could hear their chanting coming from the main quad. Now the rest has been pieced together from accounts that I got from other teachers. At some point, students were allowed to leave campus to head for a park, where the protest would continue. One teacher said that a good number of students headed away from campus in the opposite direction from the park. In any case, students that did not leave went to lunch. After lunch we resumed a regular class schedule. At the end of school, many people were brought back to the school on busses.

Now, my classes were about 1/2 empty or more. And let me say this. Most of the students that were not in class were not the type of kids that had any clue about this bill and were likely looking to get out of class. If this protest were to happen after school hours, I'm sure they would not have gone. In fact, one of my students was at the massive protest Saturday and was angry at the students that left, saying that they discredited the real protest.

My view on the walkout: What did this accomplish? The only good thing to come from this was most of my students are now aware of the issue, which clearly effects a good number of their families. Since the end of school I have been switching around the conservative talk stations and the word "truants" has been thrown around and there are plenty of jokes about how many of these kids were just taking the day off. So now the people that are actually trying to do something to stop this ridiculous law have to deal with being connected to a bunch of idiot students. One teacher said that about 1/2 of the kids that were in the quad did not seem to really even know why they were not in class. Many of my students said that they had friends that just went home or to another person's house to "kick back." All in all, this type of protest accomplishes very little.

Things about this protest and all of the others that bothers me:

1. Why do you chant "Viva Mexico" and other pro-Mexico chants if you are trying to get the ear of the U.S. government?

2. I ran into a former student who asked me if she looked sunburned. Let me translate freshmanese for you. What she really said was "Look at me, Mr. Austin, I was part of the walkout today - aren't I cool?" I asked her what she thought that she accomplished today. "Nothing" So I asked "Why did you go?" "I don't know." I continued "so you lost a day of education to not accomplish anything?" Her genius response? "You don't understand because you're not Mexican." I told her that I probably understood the law better than her and had probably done more to try and stop it than she did and suggested that if she really cared that she should write a letter or call her Senator or even President Bush. She wanted no part of that.

3. Why do people who have no clue about what they are protesting always talk on the radio and TV? One radio show played interviews with students that had walked out.

Interviewer: So you think that immigrants should have equal rights?
Student: Hell Yeah!
Interviewer: What rights should they have?
Student: Martin Luther King Jr. gave us free speech.
Interviewer: What do you think this law would do?
Student: its racist against immigrants

Way to represent the movement. You know that conservative media hunts these people down and uses them as the example of why these protests are pointless.

4. I know that this protest was started by an older non-student that simply wanted to use them as pawns for the movement. Way to take advantage of kids. It certainly helped the movement.

Finally, let me share my view on immigration. I think our country needs to do a lot more to keep people from just crossing the border without regulation. Who should they stop? Terrorists, drug dealers, gang members, other criminals. Who should they not stop? People looking for an opportunity that simply want to work and make a better life for themselves. Look, we need these people to keep our economy moving. They do all of the shit jobs that we don't because it pays 10 times as much as any job they could get working for an American factory in Mexico. And don't say that they are stealing jobs from Americans. Americans are stealing jobs from Americans. Rich people are moving their companies all over the world so they can pay those people miniscule wages and so they can get a huge profit. If you don't believe me call Dell Tech Support and try to find somebody who can speak good English. If a person comes here, legally or not, and keep a job and contribute to society, why not let them stay? Because they don't pay taxes? A) Corporations weasel their way out of taxes all of the time B) have you ever looked at the tax rates for people earning immigrant job wages? Its pretty low. C) They do pay taxes. Its called sales tax.

The United States is a country founded by immigrants. We have tons of people here, of many different ethnic, religious and economic backgrounds. The white majority has long taken advantage of the poor immigrants to build their railroads, wash their dishes, pick their fruit, and mow their lawns. Why not help them out? Many of them are hard-working people, family people, spiritual people, kind people, intelligent people, and most of all - THEY ARE PEOPLE! When has our country stood for treating people like crap? Every example is a case that most of us are ashamed of: slavery, Indians/Native-Americans, Japanese, segregation, etc.

An EToWJB Update

I feel like I have been slacking on my blogging duties in a big way. A lot of it has to do with available time, which has been an issue lately. Another lame excuse is the lack of interesting news since there is a lot of issues I'm feeling strongly about lately (hence the rant the other day). However, days like today make it easy to blog. Here are a few interesting e-topics I discovered today while exploring the internet instead of working. And by "exploring the internet" I mean "reading the CarpetBagger Report for 5 minutes."

First, let me admit to you a deep, dark secret. As a freshman at UCSD I took Philosophy 10: Intro to Logic. This class was at 9:00 am, which was way too early for me that year, so I rarely made it to class (maybe 50% of the time). I got sick maybe 10 minutes into the first midterm and left to vomit on my way to Student Health, where they checked my poo and declared that I had food poisoning. (This was not a shock since I had eaten breakfast at ClubMed, one of the more sketchy eating facilities at UCSD). After that, I missed maybe 3 straight classes. When I returned to class with a new determination, I was lost because they had somehow moved into the math part. Therefore I dropped the class and took my only "W" during my college tenure. Where am I going with this? Well, the part that I actually learned from this class dealt with logical fallacies. As it turns out, other people have picked up on Bush's frequent use of the logical fallacy called "Straw Man" where you create a false weak argument to make yours look better. Read the link to get a better explanation. The CarpetBagger Report has referred to this a few times now, and there has also been response to the AP article (that I linked to) in the conservative PowerLine blog. One example of a Bush Straw Man: "Now, I understand some say, well, maybe they're just isolated kind of people that are angry and took out their anger with an attack. That's not how I view them." Here's the thing: there are no "some" that he's talking about. This was also a big point in the movie "Outfoxed" about FoxNews. I could make the argument "some people think that educating our kids is bad, I say that we need to do it." The fact is there are really no people that say education is bad, but I would be trying to make myself look better by making up this fictional group of "some people." Read the article and see other examples.

Second, I also found another interesting report through the CarpetBagger Report. It shows which states give the most to taxes and which states get the most money from the feds. It turns out that 9 of the Top 10 states that spend the most relative to what they give are states that generally vote Republican. 8 of the Top 10 that spend the least relative to what they give are Democrats. For example, for every $1 that Mississippi gives to the government in taxes, it gets $1.77. California, on the other hand only gets $0.79 for every dollar it gives in taxes. What does this really mean? I don't know. But I guess reducing big government isn't that important to some Republican voters. Note: there are probably other factors that go into the numbers, but that does not make them less interesting.

Finally, I realize that I have not given out the Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week award for over two weeks, but I promise that there will be a comprehensive edition within a few days. It just means I have to start giving the monkeys more incentive to type faster. I'm heading to the South Pasadena farmer's market tonight. Maybe they'll have some good bananas. Or pistachios.

Another gem from that dumbass Rush

So there is a teacher that started a program through his classroom where every kid would take home one of those fluorescent light bulbs that save energy. He hoped that they would learn about preventing the greenhouse effect. This idea spread school-wide and Home Depot donated a couple thousand light bulbs so every student in the district could take one home. They said that using these bulbs would save energy equivalent to a certain number of SUVs. Rush's take on this? Schools are filling their "mush-brained" students with leftist ideology about the greenhouse effect that is not that serious. He said it was as bad as showing an episode of Captain Planet in a classroom. Again, this guy has a serious case of cranial-rectal insertion syndrome (he's got his head up his ass) and needs to get a clue about real-life.

Today is the first day of the rest of your retarded war

Warning! This is a rant.

So today is Day #1 of the 4th year in Iraq. What have we accomplished in those 4 years? Well, we got Sadaam Hussein out a while ago. They have a new government that doesn't do much. Oh, and there is the 2, 317 American soldiers that have died too. How many Iraqi deaths? I've heard 100,000, but there is not much to justify that. However, more credible numbers seem to point at over 30,000. But at least they're better off without Saddam. However, now Iraq seems to be the home of anti-American insurgency - which was not there under Saddam. So are the people of Iraq being used as bait for terrorists? Who knows, but I see no end to this fiasco and no end to the now $250 billion of our tax dollars that have been sent there. Check out this interesting website that shows what we could have done with that money instead.

One thing we still don't have, however, is an honest answer to why we started in Iraq. WMD? not there. Terrorism? Wasn't there until we showed up. This cannot be considered part of the war on terror. The fact of the matter is that our president thought a war would gain him some popularity and wanted to show that he could do something about 9/11. Afghanistan was OK, that was anti-terrorist. Iraq? There is no connection there and anybody who says that there is a connection is simply lying to you and to themselves. I wish people could just be honest and admit that the war in Iraq was a war to get Bush to look tough and some other asinine reason that I don't get. Bush and his cronies know that they have to look tough, but don't want to admit that our country is a target for terrorism because we always stick our damn nose in everything. Well, everything that could get more profits for oil people. Genocide in Sudan? No worries there. 500,000 American cancer deaths? Let's toss them $2 billion, but not anything close to the cost of the war. Let's criticize our nation's schools, but not actually give them money. Let's make people afraid of foreigners, but not actually protect our borders because big business needs cheap labor. Let's talk about making a better world, but not for the poor in our own country. Let's bring democracy to Iraq, but make sure that we don't give people a choice other than rich white Democrat or rich white Republican.

I'm getting continually frustrated with every member of our government from federal to state to local and their continued quest to make sure they have a job instead of making sure that they solve the problems that our country faces. We need something to change.

Things affecting my mood today

First, the things that are increasing my good mood:

1. Kona coffee
2. Its a test day in World History so I just get to sit around a lot
3. I scored 2 goals and had 3 assists Monday night and I'm still feeling good about that.
4. the possibility of Happy Hour tonight
5. "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" (my favorite NPR show) is now being podcasted.
6. St. Patrick's Day is coming Friday
7. My 6th period 9th graders: they're really coming around and growing up.
8. the picture on my desk of Amanda and I in front of the San Clemente sunset

Now things that are pissing me off:

1. Republicans: why don't they get in trouble for lying? (not all of them, just Bush, Cheney, DeLay, Rove, etc. - OK, most of them)
2. Democrats: why don't they stand up for something useful? Anti-Bush can only last another 3 years or so.
3. The "War on Terror": Why are we fighting this war? The way I see it, the goal is to protect American lives. How many Americans have died in the last 10 years because of terrorism? I think I'm being friendly when I say 5,000. How many Americans will die of cancer this year? According to the American Cancer Society - 564,830. Which gets more money? Duh. So who really cares about American lives? I call bullshit. Even AIDS kills more Americans than terrorism.
4. Barry Bonds: he needs to retire and Major League Baseball needs to void all of his statistics. Hank Aaron was always a skinny-ass guy until he got a little fatter near the end of his career. Fatter, not buffer.
5. This one kid in one of my classes: He isn't getting it and he's being an asshole to me and everyone in class. "Why do I have a D?" The real question is Why don't you have a Fail?
6. the radio: why don't they ever play anything good?
7. Bill O'Reilly: for so many reasons I can't get into it.

Well, at least there are more good mood items. That means that I am in a generally good mood today. If I had a mood ring on it would be blue, which I think means happiness.

My conflicted feelings

The Jordanian government executed two prisoners today for the 2002 assassination of American Diplomat Laurence Foley. This is a strange story for me for several reasons. First, Foley's son, Mike, was a good friend, roommate, and co-worker of mine in college. Second, Mike's dad was working for USAID in Jordan on a project to bring clean water to parts of the city (at least that is what I remember). This seems like a strange target for assassination, other than the fact that he was an American. Third, it was this event that got Amanda and I talking again after we had not really talked too much after I left college.

However, this story is also a great challenge to my way of thinking. In the past, I was a little torn over my feelings towards the death penalty. Over the last few years, though, I have become a stronger opponent to the death penalty. This opposition is based on several thoughts. First, I'm not sure that killing someone because they killed someone serves as a good message. To me, it sounds like a government saying "you can't kill, but we can." Second, it does not serve as a remedy to the murder. The victim is not brought back, so it really doesn't achieve any goal. Finally, it does not work as a deterrent. The U.S. is one of the few "Western" countries that still has a death penalty and yet has higher murder rates than any other "Western" nation. In fact, our murder rates are usually 4-5 times greater than the murder rates of European nations.

What makes this difficult is that I think these guys deserve to be punished to the fullest extent of the law, which means hanging in Jordan. Knowing what Larry was doing in Jordan and that he was a nice guy that wanted to help people makes it even worse. I envision these assholes dying on those ropes as justice served, but don't really feel any better about what happened. So there's the rub. If I ever had to face the challenge of a loved one being killed, I would probably want to find the person who did it and take out my anger on them, but what would that accomplish besides getting me in trouble? I understand killing someone in defense because that prevents the murder, but killing the perpetrator after the fact does not provide that protection. Tough call.

A Little Reminder about reality

Last year I was at a Galaxy game against ChivasUSA where my support group was given special passes to stand directly behind the other team's goal in order to harass their rookie goalkeeper. At halftime we were switching sides when I ran into the Galaxy's President and General Manager, Doug Hamilton. I thanked him for letting have the rare opportunity, for the free beer garden, and then told him that he needed to fire our coach. He was very polite and simply, professionally, walked away after my last comment.

On the team's flight back from Costa Rica tonight, Doug Hamilton had a heart attack and died. Here is a picture from a reserve game this last year as Doug walks away putting his son on his shoulders:


I have put literally thousands of dollars, hours and hours of my time, and a good part of my heart and soul into supporting this team. In a weird way, when you get that involved in a team, they become a second family and certainly the Home Depot Center became my second home (just ask Amanda how I reacted the first time I went there and how much time I spend there now). During the last 2 years I have said nearly nothing good about Doug because I disagreed with just about every decision he made in regards to this team. However, it is sad to me to lose this member of my second family and even sadder when I see the picture above. Even though I, along with the majority of the Riot Squad, constantly ripped him for his bad decisions, in the end he proved us wrong by bringing us 2 league titles in 4 years and many of the players that he brought in will continue with this team for years to come.

It also reminds me that even a healthy and young guy can unsuspectingly pass away almost at any moment and that we should all be a little thankful for what we have. Yeah, I know its sappy, but these are the types of things that get me into a sappy mood.

Thanks for the titles and the beer Doug. And I'm sorry for being an asshole to you.

Those dirty Arabs!!

(sarcasm)I just know that this is all just part of their continuing terrorist plot to blow up our ports, but Dubai Ports World has agreed to turn over ownership of the American ports that they are buying to a "United States entity." This is not enough!! We need to prevent any Arab from even buying an American pack of gum! Those terrorists have no part in our country!! (/sarcasm)

Strangely enough, this actual agreement to give up control of the American ports may not be enough, which is what brought on my sarcastic rant. Somehow, many Democrats are saying that this end is not enough. I think the Republicans might be calling off the dogs though, since they do want to have a chance to keep their majority in November (I think they've already lost that fight). I think that I am in total agreement with the hundreds of writers that have said that Bush gets what he deserves on this. He wants us to fear Arabs, and now we are so afraid of them that they can't even take our money.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what this 3rd world terrorist country looks like, here are some pictures:

Downtown Dubai

The only 7-star hotel in the world is in Dubai

The Grand Hyatt in Dubai (several pictures here)


What a dump! No wonder there is so much terrorism! Oh wait. Its not a dump and it looks to me like their #1 motivating factor is $$$$$ and not radical Islam. I think we need to face the fact that not all Arabs are terrorists and that many Muslims are just as capitalistic as we are.

Can we move on to the other crap that Bush has screwed up?

Douchebag of the Week 3/7/06 or whenever I finish writing it

I always hate not having time to blog due to stupid things like work and TV. OK, not so much TV, but I also tried to blog the other day, but was distracted by soccer video games. In any case, there are a plethora of nominees for this "weeks" issue.

First, a complete anti-Douchebag special award goes to Jason McElwain. He is an autistic kid that has been a manager for his high school's basketball team for 3 years. As a gift for his senior year, the coach let him dress for the final game of the year. As they were up 20+ with 4 minutes left the coach put Jason in. After missing his first shot by 4 feet, Jason nailed 6 3-pointers and finished with 20 points. His team went on to win the state title. Watch the video. It rocks. Jason is my new hero.

On to the douchebags.

Terence Braxton: What is a good way to supplement your measly teacher income? Take bribes of course. I always tell my students that I am willing to take bribes as long as its enough for me to live comfortably for the rest of my life without having a job. This guy, however, actually took the money. Kids in his PE class could get out of class by giving him $1. I guess he made a few hundred, which shows just how lazy some kids are.

Franklin Paul Crow: One of the things that I hate about having a roommate is when they don't replace the toilet paper when it gets used up. Well, Franklin's roommate was tired of this problem and pulled out a gun. I guess Frankie didn't see this as a joke an proceeded to bludgeon his roommate to death with a sledgehammer. Then he realized that he did forget to replace the TP. OK, not really. He did kill the guy though.

Alan Patton: Um, this guy hides in bathrooms and drinks boys urine. Yeah, I guess I really don't have to say much more here. He doesn't molest them though, so that keeps him from winning, which is too bad because this week's prize is a gallon of urine.

Travis Frey: There are a lot of child molesters in the world, so that does not distinguish them enough to be Douchebags of the Week. However, this kiddie porn dealer came up with the now infamous marriage contract. Here's one line: "When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed." Other topics include rewards for good behavior, body hair trimming, required sexual activity and the points awarded for each. I find it hard to believe that this stand-up citizen is also a kiddie porn freak.

Dumbass thieves (although they didn't get caught): So you build up the guts to actually hijack a semi carrying beer. So what beer do you take? I jack a truck of Newcastle. These assclowns now have a gang of MGD. I know a lot of people drink this piss and would love about 2000 free cases, but those people deserve what they get. Can you imagine how drunk these guys are all of the time? I wonder what happens when you get to case, like, I don't know, 250. Don't you say to yourself "I'm tired of MGD all of the time"? That's what I mean. Rob the truck carrying microbrews or kegs or something. All right, I admit it. I'm actually really jealous.

Mr Tombe: Normally, having sex with a goat is enough to get you nominated for Douchebag of the Week. However, this guy goes the extra mile when he is punished. He has to marry the goat. You know what's coming... I wonder if the goat started to nag him after they were married. The best part is that he also had to pay a dowry to the goat's owner. I am not kidding about that either.

Bill O'Reilly: I feel like he has been nominated before, but somehow this complete moron has stayed off the Douchebag radar so far. Maybe the monkeys on the EToWJB staff are scared of him. OK, there is apparently a feud between Bill and MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, previously a horrible sports guy on LA's own CBS Channel 2. It is so bad that Bill does not allow people to even mention Olbermann when they call in. Keith, for his part, has referred to O'Reilly as the "worst person" in the world or U.S. or something like that. However, in this case Bill has shown what kind of ass he really is. When a caller mentioned Olbermann, Bill "dumped" him and said that he had the caller's phone number and that he would turn the number over to Fox Security and that they would pay the caller a visit. Since when is threatening your callers legal? I hope this costs O'Reilly at least a couple of million if not his job.

Finally, in a FoxNews themed issue of the Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award, the winner:

Ann Coulter: You would think that I am nailing this psycho for something she said about politics, but I am not. Unfortunately, Ann ventured into the world of Oscar predictions. Warning: If you are black, Asian, gay, transgender, any combination thereof (yes, she uses the term "gaysian"), or just a human being with a conscience, you may be offended by what she wrote. For example, she said Crash would not win because "Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks." and "Hollywood can never do enough for the gays." She also quotes the award's namesake by saying that "homosexuality has gone from 'the love that dare not speak its name' to 'the love that won't shut up.'" No, really. Then she suggests titles to movies that will follow the Brokeback gay cowboy theme: "Westward Homo," "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven," "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral" and "How West Hollywood was Won." She correctly predicted that Hoffman would win, reasoning that they couldn't give everything to Brokeback but also saying that "at least Truman Capote was gay." There are so many more gems in there including her suggestion that Al-Jazeera gave a 4 1/2 pipe-bombs rating to a documentary about suicide bombers. By the way, she makes all of these comments after having admitted to not having seen any of these movies. Congratulations Ann Coulter, you are an absolute fucking douchebag.

Holy Holidays Batman!

In case all of the heathens that read this blog aren't aware, we are now in the 40-day period of Lent. Yes, Mardi Gras is more than a time for getting drunk, showing tits, and throwing beads. It is a day where you are supposed to get rid of all of those things that get you in trouble during Lent, historically it was flour products (I think) which is why many churches have pancake dinners on Tuesday. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and I was one of those people that had ashes on their head, although I was at church at 7:30 so nobody saw it besides the other 400 people that also had ashes on their head.

Now, I have always followed the tradition of Lent where I give up something that I like as a version of fasting. In the past I gave up MTV (when I was maybe 10), soda, fast food, and chips. This year I wanted to give up something that has always been a really bad part of my diet. I've conquered many of these things: I only drink diet soda maybe twice a week, the sweet smell of donuts make me sick usually, I rarely have fast food (usually at the beginning of a road trip), and I have never been much of a desert person. So what do I give up? Well, I have found that there is one food item that has stealthily added to my girth over the years. I have long preached the greatness of this staple food product in all of its forms, yet its best-tasting forms are the worst for me. Now, I am no low-carb freak, but I have decided to give up...

POTATOES

Yep. I figured out that the potato is the best and most evil food. I can think of 4 forms of potato that are probably responsible for at least 10-15% of my extra weight: skins, fries, hash browns, and tater tots. They are soooooo good, but they are soooooo deep-fried, covered in cheese, sour cream, chili, bacon, etc. So until Easter I will eat nothing that is made of or includes a potato.

Now, my other Lent tradition is to add something good. I think I have a decent exercise schedule, although it is off a bit right now. So, I will stick to 3 gym days, 2 walking days and 1 soccer day. That's exercise every day. However, that's not an addition.

My addition will be a minimum of 1 hour of reading for pleasure every day. I am 20 pages from finishing Kafka on the Shore and I really want to finish my Khrushchev biography. I do read a lot now, but not nearly as much as I would like. In a way, I envy my friend Peter (from Pete the Elder) since he reads voraciously, although he reads all of these conservative books that trash liberals. (I'm sure he'll give me some shit for that). I think Peter reads about 3-4 books a month. Maybe its because he's a fast reader, maybe its because he works at a library, or maybe its because he isn't addicted to several TV shows. Whatever the reason, I want to get through more of the maybe 30 books that I have bought and have not even cracked open.

Anyways, I think that Lent is a good thing and always gives me a reason to look at the bad things I do and try to fix them.

What the hell is "being tagged"?

Bob over at In the Belly of the Whale has proclaimed that I have been tagged to follow some sort of internet-based ritual dealing with lists of four. I proclaim that he is a bastard, but I'll meet his challenge anyways.

Four Jobs I've Had:
1. Boxboy at a grocery store
2. bartender
3. Blockbuster Video worker
4. little league umpire

Four Movies I can watch over and over:
1. Field of Dreams
2. Friday
3. Old School
4. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Four Books I have read over and over:
1. The Bible (I feel like that's cheating)
2. To Kill a Mockingbird
3. Hitchhiker's Guide
4. I thought of another, which is really my all-time favorite book - Grapes of Wrath

Four Places I've lived:
1. Redlands, CA
2. various parts of San Diego (La Jolla, Pacific Beach, Mira Mesa)
3. San Gabriel
4. In a pit of my own depression

Four Places I've vacationed:
1. Rome
2. San Luis Obispo (where I got engaged)
3. Erie, Pennsylvania
4. Savannah, Georgia (sort of a working trip though)

Four TV Shows I love:
1. My Name is Earl
2. Ed (even though it was tragically short-lived)
2a. (counting only still-existing shows) Family Guy
3. Chappelle's Show
4. The Simpsons

Four Favorite Dishes:
1. Steak
2. Jersey's pizza with pepperoni and cashews
3. everything that Amanda makes except the spinach cheese thing that was gross
4. mac n' cheese with hamburger

Four websites I visit daily:
1. The CarpetBagger Report
2. Soccernet
3. Drudge Report
4. Soccer365

Four Places I'd rather be right now:
1. Home Depot Center watching a Galaxy game
2. Anfield watching Liverpool
3. San Diego
4. in my new post-married apartment

Four favorite beers: (my addition)
1. Newcastle
2. Kona Fire Rock Pale
3. Kostritzer
4. free

Four people that I am "tagging" who I guess have to do this or they'll suffer some horrible consequences like having to watch Final Destination 3:

1. Amanda - Goondocks (this will make her post again)
2-4. Pete, Laurie, Randy or anybody else at Life Outside the Rat Race

Supreme Court - the XXX version

OK, not really. The Supreme Court will hear arguments this week in the case of Marshall v. Marshall, which involves which courts can decide inheritance rights. Why is this case important? Well, its not. Except one of the sides in this case is Vicky Lynn Marshall, better known as Anna Nicole Smith. That's right. The former Playboy playmate and current dumbass hoochie will actually be in court to decide if who will get her almost $500 million for about one year of playing with the 89 year-old donger of billionaire J. Howard Marshall. I wonder who really deserves the money - the old guy's snotty son or his hoochie white trash wife?

Some political comedy

This funny article comes to you from one of my favorite blogs, The CarpetBagger Report.

A conservative member of the Ohio state Senate has introduced a bill that would ban gay couples from adopting. (That is not the funny part. OK, its funny in a sick way, but this gets funnier). In response, a Democratic member of the same legislative body has announced that he will introduce a similar bill banning certain couples from adopting... Republicans. He is, of course, joking a bit. However, he does want to prove a point. Although I know some conservatives would argue that his is either making a mockery of the legislative system or simply wasting their time, I would argue that the conservative State Senator is doing the same.

Bush screws up again...or does he?

If you are confused about this whole mess with this company from the United Arab Emirates taking control of major ports in the United States, join the club. I feel like I should stick with my motto of "breaking it down for the common man" so here is the short version.

This company, Dubai Ports World from the UAE, bought another company, Peninsular and Oriental Steam Navigation Company from Britain. POSNCo had been running the ports of Miami, Philadelphia, New York, etc. and with the buyout Dubai Ports World will take over. People are having fits because this company is Arab, was one of the few countries to recognize the Taliban in Afghanistan, and will now be running several of our major ports. Bush has said that this deal is safe, has been approved by the right people, and will continue even if he has to use the veto.

Here comes the shocker: I think he's right. An editorial in today's LA Times points out that Dubai Ports World will only be handling the logistics of the port and that security will still be controlled by the US Coast Guard, port police, etc. Also, most of the employees will stay in place. The article also points out that 80% of LA's ports are already operated by foreign companies (although it does not say if any are based in Arab countries). So it seems that this is not nearly as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be.

However, it helps create a bigger deal when Bush uses one of his old strategies to convince people that the deal is OK: "Trust me". Problem? A lot of people don't trust him. Why not point out the details of this deal to the people so they can see how this is not a big deal? In any case, there are a lot of Senators, including Hillary "I have to stick my nose into every damn thing so people thing I am legit" Clinton, that are going nuts over this. Why? So they can say that they are strong on national security.

Rush Limbaugh is back on drugs

At least he must be after the comment he made today. In a discussion about big government, he said (and I'm not quoting since I can't remember the exact words) that the failure of the government to help Katrina victims proves one thing: that big government doesn't work. Here's a question ass clown: Which government program failed to help them? Homeland Security. Who appointed the Head of Homeland Security? Bush. HELL, who created the Dept. of Homeland Security? Mother F'ing Bush!!

This just adds to my argument that most conservative media is so full of shit that they have to use the things they screw up to prove that they are right.

You can't spell Bush without BS

Now, I remember in the State of the Union Bush saying that he wanted to create cleaner energy. If you don't remember, here is a quote:

So tonight, I announce the Advanced Energy Initiative -- a 22-percent
increase in clean-energy research -- at the Department of Energy, to push for
breakthroughs in two vital areas. To change how we power our homes and offices,
we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and
wind technologies, and clean, safe nuclear energy.

How does he accomplish this? By cutting the budget of the National Renewable Energy Lab, which was forced to lay off 30+ workers. Here's the catch: Bush was scheduled to speak at the lab today to talk about his dedication to clean energy. I'm guessing that his reception would not have been that warm. So what did they do? They magically found some of the money in the budget to give back to the lab before the speech. Not all, but just enough to re-hire the people. According to the CarpetBagger Report, it was $5 million of the $28 million that they cut.

All we need now is for Bush to visit a school in my district so maybe we can get some of that No Child Left Behind money. Oh wait, there really isn't any.

Douchebag of the Week 2/17/06

So many worthy candidates and so little time. What do I do with all these douchebags?

First, an honorary nominee:

My Dad: He's not really a douchebag, but I thought this would be a good birthday present. Saturday is the anniversary of that momentous day when my wise old dad was born. He's a reasonably good father, although he still blames me for drinking one of his Coronas when I was in high school. What I will admit to is that I regularly drank a beer or two on weekends when I came back from college, but all he had was Michelob and I think I did him a favor by emptying the fridge.

Now, the real nominees:

Dick Cheney: Yeah, I went there. But how can I let the fact that our vice-president shot someone go unheralded? (although it was an accident during a quail hunt) I'm not a big hunter myself, so I don't know what "birdshot" is, but I am sure that I don't want it projected into my face and torso.

Scott McClellan: Based on the same incident, I nominated the White House press secretary for his response to the criticism that the White House took to long to make the news public. His response? "It's important, always, to work to make sure you get information out like this as quickly as possible," McClellan said. "But it's also important to make sure that the first priority is focused where it should be, and that is making sure that Mr. Whittington has the care that he needs." Really? You were personally making sure that he got to the hospital? What an ass. This guy is to honest as William "The Refrigerator" Perry is to skinny. The better answer? "Does knowing about this accident matter to anybody besides the VP, the guy who got shot, and the families of those involved? You see, my job is to lie to you about important things, not to let you know when Dick Cheney takes an especially smelly shit, which is about once an hour. Next question."

Frank Miller: Nerdy Pete at Rat Race probably knows who this is, but Frank Miller writes the Batman comic books. Why is he such a douchebag? Well, he says that Batman's next foe will be none other than... Osama Bin Laden. I don't really know what to say about this except that it sounds lame as hell.

The people that gave Johnny Weir a hard time: This is the only time that I will defend somebody who participates in an activity that people call a sport, although it really is not (an argument that I will take up in another post). He was at practice for the Olympics wearing an old Soviet Union warm-up jacket. It was red with the letters "CCCP" across the front and his name in Russian on the sleeve. Why are people pissed about this? He's an American. Why are those people stupid for being pissed? Because they need to realize two things: #1- The Soviet Union no longer exists so he isn't wearing the uniform of a competitor, and #2- it was a gift from a friend of his who is a Russian skater.

Zeljko Tupic: Inflicted by the same problem as many men (but none on the EToWJB staff) this guy tried a homemade solution to his erectile disfunction. He jammed a pencil in his dick. Well, it was working until it shifted and got stuck in his bladder. I think I speak for all guys when I say AAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGGOOOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And the winner...

Vanessa Jackson: (nominated by Pete at Life Outside the Rat Race). What is the definition of a bad parent? How about feeding your kids from the same bowl everyday, only feeding them water on some nights, not feeding them at all on other nights, or beating them with shoes when they try to get food. Maybe you force them to sit on the stairs all day, then keep them awake at all hours, also forcing them to stay in bed until after noon. Then you don't let them outside. Don't take them to a doctor despite the fact that the kids are grossly malnourished. All of this while your other kids live normal lives. This is exactly what Vanessa Jackson and her now dead husband did to four of the foster children they had. Jackson, along with her biological children, deny that these stories are true, but the skinny-ass kids they found digging in the garbage say otherwise. I almost feel bad putting this lady in the same category with the other douchebags.

Why figure skating is not a sport...

I know that it is the most widely watched event at the Winter Olympics, but there is no way you should be able to consider figure skating a sport. Here are my reasons:

#1- You earn points from a judge. There is no goal to score, no points earned by completing a task, no finish line to cross. It is all based on how good you look.

#2- There is no chance involved. You create a routine, you perform the routine. Sure, skaters fall (like that Chinese girl that ate a big one the other night) and miss moves, but that is lack of execution, not dealing with changing situations like the opponent's defense.

#3- They wear costumes. What is the difference between costumes and uniforms? Uniforms are uniform, meaning the whole team wears the same outfit, thus signifying that they are on the team. Costumes are worn for artistic effect, and there is no room for art in sport.

#4- Its a show, not a competition. What other "sport" is done not only for points, but also as a show purely for entertainment. I will admit that I went, as a gift, to a "Stars on Ice" event. That was a show, but the only difference between that and the Olympics was the lack of judges.

Here are reasons why people say figure skating is a sport and why I think they are wrong:

#1- It takes a lot of training. So does being a police officer, joining the military, etc.

#2- It physically strenuous (its hard to do). Yeah, well, working construction is physically strenuous, but you don't see them putting on sequin-covered outfits and getting judged for framing a good wall.

#3- It takes a lot of talent. Doing any job well takes a lot of talent. There are people that are naturally talented painters, but that is not an Olympic event.

In any case, I don't want to discredit the ability of the skaters, I just question the validity of calling figure skating a sport. There are a lot of "sports" that fall into this same category. Most of the "extreme sports" are questionable when they involve judging because they are based entirely on subjective value, not a direct competition. It doesn't require any less ability to be a good snowboarder than a good luger, but when people compete in the luge, there is no doubt who won because he/she went faster.

I'm just sayin'.

Valentine's Day can eat my ass

Look, I have had a Valentine every year since '97, so this diatribe does not come from recent bitterness. However, I never had a Valentine before that, so maybe this is left over from my adolescence.

Reasons why Valentine's Day is stupid:

1. It is not a real holiday. The greeting card and chocolate industries have convinced us that we have to buy a card, some candy, balloons, stuffed animals, etc. I try to do nice things for my significant other on a regular basis, thus eliminating the need to do it on a random Tuesday. And before you get crazy on me, I did get Amanda a card (although I can't find it).

2. It puts other people's relationship in your face. What if you are single and lonely today? All you get to do is watch other people give each other shitty gifts. There is no solace for the single person on Valentine's Day. At least on Christmas people that are lonely can watch a Christmas movie or listen to music, etc. and can get the Christmas spirit. How do you get that romantic feeling alone on Valentine's Day? Make yourself a nice dinner and then "take care of yourself"? Right now there is a giant bear attached to a giant balloon that plays romantic "Baby I need your lovin" when you hit it. Why? So that girl can show how much that horny 10th grade boy likes her. All of the goofy and nerdy kids (like me) only get to feel worse.

3. Too much money is spent on useless crap. See the comment above about the giant bear. Where will that balloon end up? In some landfill forever. Where will the bear end up? On fire in her backyard after they break up although he told her that he loved her and she gave it up to him. Does any male over the age of 5 want a stuffed animal? Hell no, unless it is a real animal that you shot. Plus, if a girl gets you a stupid stuffed animal you are forced to keep it until you break up. Yeah, that pink bear with the big-ass heart on it really fits well next to the posters of Playboy playmates, 50 cent and Kobe Bryant.

Well, that's my feeling about the "holiday." Don't let me ruin the fun for you though. Just know that every stupid Valentine's Day gift you give ends up killing the environment. Do you really want that on your conscious?

BIG NEWS!!!

Pat Robertson said something stupid. I know... you're stunned. Here is his latest gem of wisdom:

Studies that I have read indicate that having babies is a sign of a faith in the future. You know, unless you believe in the future, you're not going to take the trouble of raising a child, educating a child, doing something. If there is no future, why do it? Well, unless you believe in God, there's really no future. And when you go back to the existentialism of Jean-Paul Sartre, the whole idea of this desperate nightmare we are in -- you know, that we are in this prison, and it has no hope, no exit. That kind of philosophy has permeated the intellectual thinking of Europe, and hopefully it doesn't come here. But nevertheless, ladies and gentlemen, Europe is right now in the midst of racial suicide because of the declining birth rate. And they just can't get it together. Why? There's no hope.

That's right. Europeans follow Sartre's philosophy so they don't care about the future therefore they don't have enough kids.

That it why it is now the Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award presented by the Evil Twin if William Jennings Bryan.

George and Jack

Time has published the first photos of Bush with Jack Abramoff. What do they show us? Nothing really. One of the three pictures has Abramoff in the background. Bush is meeting with one of Abramoff's clients with an Indian tribe, so there is some kind of connection, but I was hoping for something more. Note, however, that Bush denied that Abramoff was at the meeting at all. Also, as The CarpetBagger Report notes, he is seen in another version of the photo standing near Karl Rove, who we all know has his hand up Bush's ass like a puppet. There must be more of these in someone's photo album.

Karma is a bitch Mr. President.

(Ed.'s note: I would like to see the more liberal blogs deal with this as a less-than-destructive set of photos and not try and make this a bigger deal than it is. However, I think they (we?) have been drooling over these pictures for so long they are are going to try and squeeze water from a rock.)

A heartwarming DotW Award

I have to admit that one of this week's nominees brought a tear to my eye. It wasn't a particularly emotional story, but the action that earned this nomination took place in the city of my birth - Redlands, CA. People in Redlands often say nothing good comes from Redlands. I say "What about oranges, two members of the rock group Cracker, the largest Abraham Lincoln museum west of the Mississippi, US National Team and LA Galaxy star Landon Donovan, and now a Douchebag of the Week nominee?" So in your face all you Redlands haters.

The nominees:

Joseph Jesse Martinez III: My hometown brings us this child molester. So this 44 year-old meets a 16 year-old on the internet and someone walks in on them messing around. The guys makes a run for it and escapes. Unfortunately for him, he left a key piece of evidence behind: his ID. That made it easy for the cops to find him and arrest him. This is a shocking bit of news to me since I could never imagine a resource as wholesome and family-oriented as the internet would be used for this purpose. Next thing you know there will be pornography on the internet.

Lonnie Shields: In the picture above you can see Mr. Shields caught in an air vent. He was trying to rob a liquor store in Orlando by sneaking in after hours through the vent. His plan did not quite work and the owner called the police after he found Lonnie stuck in the vent. Personally, I would have fucked with this guy as he was stuck. Maybe dump a slurpee on him or sprinkle him with crush potato chips.

Jerry McKay: Also from Florida. Mr McKay was arrested for making meth. Not unusual, except that he was arrested after being pulled over for speeding and the meth lab was in his front seat.

And some Valentine's Day themes nominees

Anybody who takes them up on this offer: So Tuesday is Valentine's Day and what says "I love you" better than being served a candle-lit dinner at your favorite restaurant. Well, if your favorite restaurant is White Castle, you too can have this experience. Some participating White Castles in parts of the East and Midwest are providing hosted seating, wait service, and candle-lit dinners on Valentine's Day from 5-8pm. Man, I can just picture it. You're looking into the candle-lit eyes of the one you love and then you lean back in your plastic bench seat and slam a slider into your mouth. I get misty just thinking about it.

Phillips: This add is just wrong. Click to check it out


Lifegem: How can you remember the loved one you lost every Valentine's Day? Maybe the ring above was a gift from them that you will always carry with you as a memory. Or maybe its a ring that has a diamond made from their ashes after cremation. No, I'm not kidding. This website tells you about their service where you can have this done. Oh, and they offer it for pets too.

And the winner:

Michael Garibay: For the winner we travel back to Orlando. (How can the same city that hosts Disneyworld also host so many douchebags?) Young Mr. Garibay was arrested for trying to sell cocaine to a police officer. The catch is, this officer was not part of some undercover operation to bust drug dealers. He was in uniform, on patrol, and sitting in his police car. Drugs are bad.

Galaxy Schedule 2006

Why do I believe in God? Posted below is the 2006 Galaxy home schedule. In case you don't know, I am a season ticket holder for the Los Angeles Galaxy. In case you don't know, the Galaxy is the better of 2 tema representing LA in Major League Soccer, which is entering its 11th season. If you look closer, you will notice that there is no home game on July 29th, which happens to be my wedding day. If you were to look at the full schedule, you would notice that July 29th is the day of the MLS All-Star Game, which is a complete waste of time to watch. That is how I know God exists and that he loves me. My only concern is that November 12th is MLS Cup, and there is a possibility that my future wife's sister is getting married that day. At least the game is at 12:30, which means I could reasonably do both.

I know there have been some anxious readers waiting for this schedule, so here it is.


LOS ANGELES GALAXY
2006 REGULAR SEASON HOME SCHEDULE
(All times PT)
DAY DATE TEAM TIME TV
Saturday April 1 New England Revolution 8 P.M. ESPN2
Saturday April 8 Chicago Fire 7:30 PM
Saturday April 22 Columbus Crew 7:30 PM

Saturday May 13 Real Salt Lake 7:30 PM
Saturday May 20 Colorado Rapids 7:30 PM

Thursday June 8 Chivas USA 7:00 PM ESPN2
Sunday June 11 DC United 5:00 PM
Saturday June 24 Houston 1836 7:30 PM

Tuesday July 4 MetroStars 7:30 PM
Saturday July 8 Real Salt Lake 7:30 PM

Sunday August 20 FC Dallas 5:00 PM

Saturday September 2 Kansas City Wizards 7:30 PM
Sunday September 10 Houston 1836 5:00 PM
Saturday September 16 Colorado Rapids 7:30 PM
Saturday September 30 Chivas USA 7:30 PM

Saturday October 14 FC Dallas 7:30 PM

Sunday November 12 MLS CUP 2006 @ Dallas 12:30 P.M. ABC

All Fox Sports Net broadcasts will have 30-minute pre-game show
All Galaxy radio broadcasts on KXME 830-AM and KMPC 1540-AM “The Ticket”

Poetry corner

Here's a little poem I wrote:

Such a lonely day, and it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day,
should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

OK, I didn't actually write that and I hope that you read it and went "that sucked" because it does. This is one verse of the lyrics from System of a Down's "Lonely Day". This pretty much sums up why I am going to make this bold statement:

SYSTEM OF A DOWN IS THE WORST BAND EVER.

That's right, I said it. Korn has held the trophy for a while after I first gave the award to Limp Bizkit. However, this new song's lyrics set a new standard for shit music. How often does this piece of crap get played on KROQ? Pretty much once an hour. But wait, the song must get better right? Nope. Here's the next verse of brilliance:

Such a lonely day, shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day, and it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

I'm not kidding. Those are really lyrics that a band put into a song that is actually getting national airplay. How does this happen? I think a lot of it has to do with payola, where record companies pay radio stations to play the artists they represent. At least I hope that is the reason, because the only other explanation would be that they think this crap is good, and that's just not possible. And in case you didn't notice, they use the phrase "most loneliest", which can't possibly be grammatically correct.

Liar liar pants on fire

In his State of the Union, Bush said

"And to keep America competitive, one commitment is necessary above all: We must continue to lead the world in human talent and creativity. Our greatest advantage in the world has always been our educated, hardworking, ambitious people -- and we're going to keep that edge"

Well, he didn't really follow up on that today. In his new budget, Bush cuts federal spending on student loan subsidies. These subsidies allow students to take out loans and the government deals with the interest until 6 months after you graduate, giving you a chance to focus on school and get on your feet after you finish. So in order to "keep that edge" we are going to make it harder for people to pay for college? Sounds like a good idea. (sarcasm)

If you go to his new website which tells us to "expect more," you can see a list of all of the programs that he has labeled "not performing." How many military programs fall in the category? 4. How many education programs fall in that category? 47 (including Federal Work-study and Federal Perkins Loans). And his solution to improve this? Cut those programs. For example. My school gets tutors through Cal State Northridge that are paid for by the government through a program called GEAR UP. At Sylmar, these tutors are often used in math classes. Math is an area that Bush says we need to be more competitive in. This year the GEAR UP program had a budget of $303 million. Next year? Gone. Way to be competitive.

Look, the Federal Government's major education spending comes through Title I, which will be budgeted with $12.9 billion and the Dept. of Ed. will have an overall discretionary budget of $54.4 billion. What does the Dept. of Defense get? Over $500 billion! I know and expect that Defense will always cost more than education, but defense is going up $30 billion and education is going down $3 billion. (Link to budget)

So we need to compete Mr. President? I guess if we can't beat them with education we can at least kill the shit out of them.

Can you tell that I am pissed?

The Skills to Pay the Bills

I heard a cool interview today on KCRW's Morning Eclectic with author Alan Light, who recently published a book called "The Skills to Pay the Bills" about the Beastie Boys. I have not read it, but I plan on picking it up this weekend.

Its shocking to me that License to Ill was will celebrate the 20th anniversary of its release this year. My brother and I got that record (actually a record, not a tape or CD) soon after it came out. Now that I think about it, I'm really surprised that my parents let us get it. Although it is often considered one of the greatest records of modern music, I would argue that its not even the best Beastie Boys record. If you have never heard Paul's Boutique, you need to check that one out.

Also, if you have never seen the Beastie Boys live, you are missing out. Amanda and I went with my brother and his wife during their last tour. Their show is great because you get a mix of everything. They don't do as much stuff from License to Ill anymore, but they do a whole set (4-5 songs) from their instrumental album "The In Sound from Way Out", which is also really good. They are eligible for entry into the rock n' roll hall of fame this year and I would not be surprised to see them get in unanimously.

For once I agree with Bush...

...however I don't think he was being completely honest with the statement that I agree with. During his State of the Union, Bush talked about the United States being dependent on Middle East oil. This statement, in principle, is pretty much correct. However, he doesn't really propose a reasonable solution besides drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge (ANWaR). So here is my thought on a possible solution. I do realize, however, that there are major issues with my solution as well, and hope that I will get some opinions on this idea.

I was thinking about some type of rationing program for gas. Hear me out before you tear it apart. What if we could limit the amount of gas a person could use every month? The government could set some semi-arbitrary amount based on average gas consumption and then create some type of card system where you had to swipe the card before operating the pump. I think this could force some people to make some decisions about how they use fuel. For example, owners of cars that have bad gas mileage would have to control their usage. Maybe they would have to get a new car that uses less gas. This, I think, would mostly effect people that could actually afford gas-guzzling SUVs like Excursions. Also, some may have to turn towards public transportation. If the number was set so that people with short commutes (30 miles or less) could still fit in under the ration as long as they weren't driving ecologically unfriendly cars. Maybe you could buy gas past the ration limit, but with a huge tax added that would go towards improving public transportation.

Problems?

Well, I think people might say that there are some pretty serious technological requirements to carry this out, but they were able to ration during WWII and that was over 60 years ago. I would like to think that we could conquer this issue.

Are we invading people's rights by limiting their ability to buy gas? I argue no. The government has the right to regulate commerce and, although I think it stretched the power, I think it is possible. State and federal governments already regulate fuel through taxes and emissions regulations.

Wouldn't this limit large families who need large cars? Sure, but they could be compensated through tax credits or something like that.

Wouldn't this create some kind of black market on the ration cards? Yeah, I really don't know about this one.

How would you decide who gets the ration? Maybe per car. Not per person since this may not limit actual usage. However, they figured this out in WWII as well, so there must be a solution.

In any case, this is just a random thought that I was having and would love to hear other people's thoughts on the issue.

I will argue that Bush really does not want us to cut usage, but just wants more profits to his oil buddies. I don't think his solution would at all be considerate of the environment except by coincidence. Without oil problems I don't think we care about the middle east so much. There are similar issues with democracy in Africa, and I think nuclear weapons are a farce as an issue. We don't complain about India or Israel or France having nukes. I know Iran is considered a greater threat, but is it really fair to say that some countries get to use nuclear power and others do not? I don't know. This is where I go a little further left than usual, but it seems clear to me that some rules apply to only countries that we do not agree with politically.

Yeah, so there it is. Just a Tuesday rant I guess.

New Garden of Eden?

OK, that's a little blown out of proportion, but this story describes how scientists exploring part of New Guinea found species of animals and plants that were previously unknown, including a frog that is only 14mm. That is almost shocking to me that in the year 2006 there are parts of the world that man has not reached due to reasons other than temperature. Hopefully they don't also find oil there so we can at least keep some parts of the world in some kind of natural state.

Monday gross out

This is a house centipede. I believe this is the mysterious bug that Amanda and I saw crawl across her windshield in the garage of her apartment maybe 2 months ago. Thanks to the people that run the webiste Whats That Bug? for creating such a useful resource. Don't tell them, but I would probably squish this if I saw it again as I have with countless innocent tiny creatures over the 28+ years of my life.

There is hope for the future

So these kids learn about healthy eating in their class, including the dangers from eating too much junk food. Then the school has them sel chocolate and potato chips to raise money for their trip to Williamsburg and Washington DC. So what do these kids from a very poor community do? They refuse to sell the food because it will make people fat. That's pretty awesome. I only wish I was a millionaire and could fork out the $12,000 they still need for their trip.

Gnu Gnus on the Plame case

Scooter Libby got his trial date today - conveniently after the mid-term elections. There is a bit of a twist here though. His attorneys want access to some top secret documents that will help in his defense. The prosecutors do not want to release them. How ironic. Maybe they could make a deal with his former boss to release information about Hurricane Katrina, the administration's connection to Jack Abramoff, or the mysterious lost e-mails. Sometimes, justice is a two-edged sword. Does that make any sense? Well, you get the idea.

Its a barrage of comedy

Check out this video:

Brokeback to the Future

That's some quality work.

Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award - 2/3/05

I've been so into items of substance on this blog that I am ignoring the items with little significance to anyone - except Bakersfield of course. So here is the latest installment of the Douchebag of the Week for your enjoyment.

The nominees

John Daly: I'm sort of wishy-washy on this one since it sort of makes him my hero, but Daly found out shortly before he teed off at the Buick Open that his wife was taken to jail for a crime that she was previously convicted for committing. So, of course, he withdrew and went to be with her and deal with their kids, right? Nope. He went out the next day and started the tournament. But of course, being so distracted, he probably bombed out. Nope. He shot a 3-under 69. Nice.

Tamra Eason: If a guy comes to your door with a homemade tattoo gun offering his services, what would you do? I would politely say "no thanks" and close the door. Not Tamra. She, along with 2 other people living in her apartment complex, took him up on his offer and now they all have infections. The Dept. of Health is suggesting that they get checked for HIV and Hep C.

Oil companies: I really don't hold that much against them since the point of business is to make money, but these douchebags are just plain questionable. Exxon reported a quarterly profit of over $10 billion. That puts them at over $36 billion for the year. I wish they would just come out and say "if you don't like our prices ride your fucking bike" because that would at least be honest. They claim that they are going to put these profits into making sure that they can supply us in the future. The only thing they are worried about supplying is their family with a lifetime of tacos made from the meat of endangered species.

Fernando Del Pino: From the "no fucking shit" file comes this story from Lexington, Kentucky (big surprise - the South) where a teacher decided to show his middle school class "40 year-old virgin." The story makes it sound like he didn't know what the movie was about, but don't you figure out that it is inappropriate after seeing a guy with a boner about 5 seconds into the movie? I told my kids about the story and even they know that this should not be showed at school. This coming from 14 year-olds that think we can watch episodes of South Park in class.

?????: It is tough to pick out who the biggest douchebag is in this story. I'll let you decide. Barbara Asher is a dominatrix who accidentally(?) killed one of her clients, Michael Lord (he had a heart attack). She then teamed up with her boyfriend to chop the guy up and dumped the bits behind a restaurant. In court, the prosecutor put on a bondage mask (think Pulp Fiction or just click to see the picture) and started to re-enact the crime before the judge stopped him. So who is the biggest douchebag? The guy who hires a dominatrix, the dominatrix that chops him up, or the prosecutor that puts on a bondage mask in court? The answer: the investigators that lost all of the evidence allowing Asher to be acquitted. Also note that the bits were dumped behind a restaurant and the body was never found. They must have done the dumping behind a Taco Bell.

David Kennedy: This guy was pulled over because he was driving erratically and almost hit another driver. When the cop walked up to his window, what did he find out about Mr. Kennedy? He was drunk? No. He was stoned? No. He was only eight years old and his dad was passed out in the back seat? That would be funny, but no. He was distracted by the porno mags that he was trying to read while he was driving? ding ding ding. Where was young Mr. Kennedy from? Memphis, which just happens to be in the South.

Cindy Sheehan: A previous winner gets nominated again, just falling short. This has been a pretty popular story, but I want to chime in just for a second. She was arrested while in attendance at the State of the Union for wearing a shirt that said "2245 dead - How many more?" I'm all about freedom of speech, but how is this an appropriate time to do that? There is something called tact, and this lady completely lacks it. I was a big fan of hers when she camped out in front of Bush's ranch, but she needs to be a little more normal. Its hard to be a liberal when this kook gets put forward as the face of your political beliefs. As a person that is strongly against our war in Iraq, I feel like a Conservative Christian must feel about Pat Robertson or an African-American in New Orleans must feel about their mayor. She needs to either go away or just choose some more effective means of protest. The wife of a Republican Congressman was also removed from the chamber for wearing a support-our-troops t-shirt. The guy wants to sue over his wife's removal, but has no problem with Sheehan being arrested. That makes total sense. (please read last sentence in sarcastic tone)

Now, I am going to have two categories this week for the winner: one for Comedic Douchebag of the Week and one for Asshole Douchebag of the Week.

Comedic Douchbag of the Week: Sylvester Williams was arrested for selling crack. Nothing unusual about that. The comedy is in how they caught him. Well, it turns out that he was a very enterprising crack dealer and so he had made some business cards that ended up in the hands of the police, who called in an order and arrested him. The slogan on his business card (and my new life mantra): "For a quick hit on time call the boss." I think he was sampling the product a little too much.

Asshole Douchebag of the Week: Bill Handel decided last week that the death of a few hundred Muslims making a traditional pilgrimage would be a good subject for a comedy bit. He created a fake traffic report about the stampeding crowd that ended up in the death of 363 people. When the Council of American Islamic Relations demanded an apology, he responded that he would apologize only if CAIR denounced terrorism, recognized Israel's right to exist, and deny any connections to terrorist groups. Where's the connection there? I have no idea. He's done it before too. In 2004 he said that Muslims don't bathe, hate Jews, and have sex with animals. How is this ass-clown still on the radio? I guess any station willing to put Dr. Laura on the air is willing to accept and racist asshole.

So, that's the latest installment. Once again, the credit goes to my diligent staff of midgets and monkeys on typewriters for putting together this collection of "great" stories.

House Majority Leader results

After the 231 ballots were counted in the first round of voting, there was nobody who had won a majority to take Tom DeLay's place. What? There are only 222 Republicans in the House? You're right. And The Carpetbagger Report talks about how the first vote for this leadership position was apparently corrupted by extra votes. What does that say about the GOP? Either they are cheaters or they can't count too well.

In any case, after the second non-corrupt vote John Boehner became the new GOP House Majority Leader. I'm not going to make any boner jokes because I'm pretty sure its pronounced BAY-ner, but I still got a chuckle. It was also funny that it came down to Boehner vs. Blunt. Its too bad Blunt lost because he was pretty corrupt too.