Douchebag of the Week: 12/3/05

Its Saturday again and I'm tired from waking up at 4:45 to see Liverpool take Cinderella's slipper away from Wigan Athletic with a 3-0 drubbing. Peter Crouch finally got in the books with a brace (2 goals) and we looked damn good. Note: Liverpool is in 4th, ahead of Arsenal - that's for my brother.

Now that I have forced you to read my soccer commentary for the day, onto official business - THE EVIL TWIN OF WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK. And let me tell you, the nominees came in like a flood of rich white Republicans at a USC game.

First, the nominees that did not win:

Enya: Every girl in my dorm freshman year at UCSD though Enya was the shit, but I think she is retarded. Apparently, her new record will include songs sung in a language called "Loxian." So where is Loxia? Nowhere. She made up this language just for her music. I'm so not fucking kidding. What a dumbass.

Kensuke Hirakawa: This nominee comes from Pete, who writes on Life Outside the Rat Race and The Essays. Now let me start by saying that this guy lost because he helped save a dog from being put down, which is OK in my book. However he lost because of this:

He made the dog look like a Panda. And he had all of the dogs teeth pulled because it tried to bite people. That's douche-arific.

Sonya Thomas: Who makes a conscious decision to be a professional eater? This stupid-ass does. She won the Thanksgiving invitational by eating an entire turkey in 12 minutes. Shit, I think I could have beaten that in my peak. However, it is not just the fact that she is a professional eater that bothers me. It is the fact that she has an eating nickname - the black widow. If you are going to be a big enough douchebag to give yourself a nickname connected to your professional eating, at least make it something more original.



Giant condom: This is the first inanimate object to be nominated for the DotW and I'm betting its not the last since I haven't nominated George W. Bush yet. This giant condom was placed over a giant obelisk in honor of World AIDS Day. How does that honor anybody unless it just show that people in Argentina are big dicks (get it? giant condom - big dicks). Stick to soccer and losing wars to England.

And this week's "winner":

Cindy Sheehan: Yeah, I know Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have beat up on this lady a lot. And yes, I know that as a liberal (sort of) I should be nice to her since she confronted Bush about the war, but she put this one on the tee and all I'm doing is swinging. So I guess she wrote a book. I don't know if its about her dead son or her 15 minutes of fame, but I don't give a crap either way. Now, she has a signing to raise money for something and not too many people show up. So the AP photographer shows up to take a picture and what you see above is the result. Not too many people come. But now her "people" (she needs "people" as much as I do) claim that this was taken in between signing and falsely show the event to be a failure. The comments by the photographer:

"At the time the photos were taken 'maybe 5 people had come in,' Vucci says, and Sheehan was waiting for more to stop by, which they did individually as well as in very small groups. Therefore the wording of the caption is accurate in that Sheehan was waiting for people to show up at her signing."

Yeah, so she pretty much deserves what she gets, but I give a strong honorable mention to any conservative talk-show hosts that used this as a story showing the lack of support for the anti-war movement. Yes, Sean Hannity, I am looking at your enormous square head.

So that's it for this week. If you have any nominations please let me know. Although I have to admit that is has not been hard to find really good nominees.

Only 22 days until Christmas!!