In the bar that I will someday open...

Pete over at Life Outside the Rat Race came up with a prompt: What will the bar that you open look like (even if you never plan on opening a bar)? Here's my thought:

1. It will be called The Jack Russell or Point E (see Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
2. There will be no neon signs.
3. Anybody wearing clothes purchased at HotTopic will not be permitted.
4. no fauxhawks.
5. There will be an entire section of red leather chairs.
6. If you scream - you leave (a.k.a. the sorority girl rule - applies to men and women)
7. jukebox: VIP customers can upload songs from their iPods, but any iPods containing Panic at the Disco will be given a virus.
8. Beers on tap: Guinness, Harp, all variations of Sierra Nevada, XX amber, Firestone Double Barrel, all variations of Stone, Tetley's, Murphy's, Piraat, Boddington's, Bud Light (for those kind of people), Coors Light (for my family from Texas), Fuller's ESB (for Pete), PBR (for Marlon), Dixie Crimson Voodoo, all variations of Craftsman, and a rotating selection of whatever I feel like getting hammered on at the time.
9. All of the tables will have 80's video games in them.
10. There will be an adjoining bookstore where we will have a political book club. Drunken reading will be encouraged.
11. Soccer matches will have top priority on the big screens, but every table will have its own small TV so people can watch the boring sports (i.e. basketball).
12. Every person that brings in their ballot stub on election day can trade it in for one beer.
13. Sunday/Saturday afternoon happy hour in the summer: $2 sapphire n' tonics
14. There will be a selection of really good wines, but they will be cheap and delicious - like Pillar Box Red.
15. Teachers that teach in ghetto high schools will get 50% of food at all times.
16. Chicken wings will be served in two flavors: "hot" and "mother-fucking hot".
17. Rule #1: no bitches (applies to men and women)
18. Drunk VIPs get free rides home in the Point E hybrid car.
19. St. Patrick's Day = only people I know get in.
20. If you start making out in my bar you are banned for life
21. Schooners
22. high-fiving is strictly prohibited unless you are watching a sporting event
23. Show up dressed as a ninja or a pirate - free drink!
24. Costumes will be encouraged on Halloween, but it you show up as a slutty _______, we get to pour beer on your head and throw chicken bones at you until you leave - and no themed costumes for couples.
25. Wednesday movie nights featuring Big Lebowski, Army of Darkness, Bubba Ho-Tep, Red Dawn, Rocky IV, Old School, Office Space, Fear of a Black Hat, Indiana Jones, Star Wars (4-6 only)

Its a long list, but I have high standards.