Mao-y Christmas

Have a Happy Christmas. Don't forget that Boxing Day (Dec. 26th) features English Premier League matches from 4:45am until 2pm.

Christmas message

One more bitch about Christmas

There is just one other thing about Christmas that drives me absolutely fucking nuts. People - do you really need 800 giant inflatable Christmas decorations on your lawn? Look, I know that the people in the 909 think that these things are classy. They're not. They're not even creative or unique. OK, I'll let the 909ers get away with one, but the rest of you have no excuse. I mean, do you really need the snowglobe AND Santa AND the Grinch AND Winnie the Pooh AND Rudolph AND a Christmas Tree? Did you walk into Home Depot and say "Give me one of every inflatable decoration that you carry"? I bet you did. Douche.

Where Christmas went wrong

I'm a big fan of Christmas on many levels. As a Christian I like the idea of re-birth and the start of second chances and all that. As human I like the tendency of people to be a little nicer during the holidays. However, its clear to me that somewhere we decided to follow the dark path of obsessing over gift-giving instead of the focus on good-naturedness. How did this happen? Eartha Kitt. You heard me. Eartha "Santa Baby" Kitt. In 1954 she recorded the now classic Christmas song "Santa Baby" in which she sings to Santa in hopes of getting a bunch of expensive shit for Christmas. So I've decided to go through the lyrics of the song as a way to vent my anger against the commercialization this Christmas.


Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me
OK, have you seen a sable? They're kinda cute, but this bitch wants you to kill a couple dozen to keep her warm.
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight
What? Wait like the rest of us bitch. He's got a whole world to get to and you want him to hurry to your triflin' ass!?

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue,
You can't just accept a free fucking car - you have to get all picky?!
I'll wait up for you dear
Now you'll wait?
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Nevermind - I guess he should skip all of the children and hit you up first you greedy tramp

Think of all the fun I've missed,
I have a feeling you haven't missed that much fun slut
Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed
You didn't kiss them on the mouth but I bet you kissed something whore
Next year I could be just as good
If you check off my Christmas list
See!?! She'll only be good if you give her a bunch of shit! Why not be good for the sake of being good. Oh, that's right. You're a filthy hooker

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot
If its not a lot why don't you buy it with all the money you get giving $2 blowjobs in subway bathrooms
Been an angel all year
That's not what the starting line-up for the Detroit Pistons said
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Holy Shit! He gets the point. He'll get there you gold-digging mattress jockey.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need, the deed
To a platinum mine,
OK, so you won't life a finger to get your own car but you'll somehow figure out how to get something from a platinum mine!?! Give me a break. What the fuck are you going to do with a platinum mine!?!
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry before you jump on the next guy in line doorknob?

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and cheques,
Real Estate is actually a pretty smart decision, but can't you just take the checks that will come from the rent you charge? Nope, you need your greed fulfilled right now and with as little of your own effort as possible.
Sign your x on the line
on the contract giving up your soul... and your balls
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight
How many times have we seen the hot slutty chick get all flirtatious with the old fat guy to get what she wants? I guess you've taken a page from Anna Nicole's book.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
Now that's what I'm talking about... a little "trimmin' the tree" for Santa!
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
Nevermind... cocktease
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me
because its hard to believe that there are greedy skank bitches out there that will take advantage of horny fat dudes

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring,
You didn't forget, you just wanted to wait until he brought you all that other shit with the expectation of getting some ass and then you lay another demand on him hooker.
I don't mean on the phone,
Of course you don't a phone call doesn't cost enough
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight.
You better hurry and get ready to let Santa into your chimney and I don't mean the one made of bricks.

That made me feel better.

Today's List 12/11

I've been pretty busy lately with work stuff so I beg your forgiveness for the lack of posts. I have several things to mention so I put them in a list.

1. Pete wants to know what a caucus is. Briefly, people meet according to their district/precinct and talk about the issues. In the case of the presidential election, they talk about the candidates and there is usually 1-2 people that make general statements about each candidate. I think the two parties do things differently, but what it comes down to is they don't vote individually for a candidate, but either choose one of the people present to attend the state convention OR take an unofficial vote on scratch paper and send their single decision to the state party. That's the extent of my knowledge, but I'm sure there's a Wikipedia entry for it. Either way I think its retarded.

2. Peter (from Pete the Elder) loves Giuliani. He had a rough time last week (maybe the week before?) which included getting caught paying for trips to cheat on his wife with city money and the discovery that his company runs security (or something like that) for some guy that helped hide/protect Osama Bin Laden. Added to his cop friend getting busted and the fact that he's an ass and you wonder why he's a leading candidate. Oh wait, I remember why - the rest of the candidates are even bigger ass-clowns. (Note: outside of his intensely evangelical beliefs I actually think Hukabee is their most reasonable candidate)

3. I took 15 of my students today to a breakfast with the State Superintendent of Public Instruction. After his speech one of my students asked him why he always blames teachers for problems at schools. He didn't really know what to say and completely dodged the question. Turns out he's looking to run for governor.

4. Do people actually watch NBA Basketball?

5. I forgot how awesome Big Trouble in Little China is. Thanks for bringing that back Pete.

6. I kick ass at Wheel of Fortune, but I fucking hate watching it.

7. I'm going to start playing the lottery. I figure I throw away $1 here and there anyways so why not.

8. Here's the future:



Plasticware made from corn. It has been around for a while, but its becoming relatively cheaper since regular plastic is made using petroleum.

9. I chaperoned a trip Saturday to the Environmental Youth Conference with some students from my school. Not only did I get to see Fez and Tyrese (who I guess is in Transformers), but I got to talk to a lot of people about new projects looking to help the environment - including corn plastic. In fact, the City of Los Angeles is looking to be a "Zero Waste" city within the next 15-20 years or so.

10. I've you've never read anything by Nick Hornby you should. I just read "Long Way Down" and really enjoyed it. His memoir, Fever Pitch, was the basis of the lame-ass movie with Drew Barrymore and that one guy from Saturday Night Live. However, in his memoir he is not an obsessive Red Sox fan, but an obsessive Arsenal fan.

11. I'll admit it. I frequently listen to KOST since they are on the all-Christmas-music-all-the-time thing.