Douchebag of the Week - 9/3/06

After dropping mad douchebags for a couple of days, I took a break for no particular reason. The douchebags are back, and although some of them are a little old, they are all very douchy.

First, the nominees:

All of us: For paying attention to the 927 million hours of news about the guy that admitted to killing JonBenet Ramsey only to find out that he didn't do it. We suck. (By the way, I am excluded from this nomination because I gave this story no more than 10 minutes of my life).

Americans: So this guy was forced to change his shirt before boarding a JetBlue flight from New York to California because it said "we will not be silent" in English and Arab. Here's a new word for these people: xenophobia. Look it up. It pairs well with "Islamofascist". Click here to read his story.

Nerdy Korean guy: In one of those "he probably needed to die" cases, this unnamed nerd collapsed and died while playing video games - after only 50 straight hours. I don't think there is anything I can do for 50 straight hours except breathe.

Anyone who buys this. No explanation needed really.

Virgin Atlantic Airlines: I went to Italy during college. The 9-hour flight killed me. Although on the way back I drank a bunch of shitty Japanese beer so I wasn't so bothered. These people were on the plane for 7 hours and never actually left the airport. Somehow they were able to get police on board the plane to prevent passengers from rioting, but couldn't get the passengers off of the plane. This was not a case of terrorism either. They basically had to wait for all of the passengers to board, then for a repair, then a spare part, then they spotted a bad tire, and finally aborted the flight after the first passengers had been on the plane for 8 hours. No food, and only 2 drink services. Note to self: don't fly Virgin Atlantic.

Madin Azad Amin: Amin told airline security that the strange-looking device in his bag was a bomb when it wasn't. Why? His mother was next to him and it was actually a penis pump. D'oh.

Alexandria Carasia: So this old lady gets mad at the neighbors because she says that their cat is using her yard as a litterbox. The neighbors end up sending their cat to family because of the problem. Although its a pretty dick move, its not enough to earn douchebag nominee status. Maybe you're thinking she tracked down the cat and cooked it or beheaded it and threw the head in their yard, but its WAY better than that. The neighbor kid, while holding his dog in his own front yard, meowed when she walked by. So the old bat called the police and the kid was charged with misdemeanor harassment. C'mon, she deserved it.

Joseph Biden: In the earliest attempts at getting a presidential nomination, Biden wanted to be "South-friendly." So he bragged that his state, Delaware, was actually a slave state. Don't believe me? Watch the video in the link.

American Family Association: These guys should be part of the name of this award since they have won it before and will likely compete with Pat Robertson for the number of victories. Their latest "call to action" is against CBS for airing a 9/11 documentary that contains swearing. Why does it have this profanity? Because it uses the same language that was used by the firefighters in the towers as they were trying to save people - a little something called historical integrity. I'm not sure what American families are part of this association, but its not mine and they are probably all shitty families.

And the winners (that's right, I could not decide between these two - you'll see why):

Ted Stevens: In my last post I talked about the "secret hold" being placed on the bill that would create a database of federal "pork barrel" spending. I suspected that it was Ted Stevens and it turns out I was right (for once - my record was tarnished by my World Cup predictions). Why did he place the hold? According to him, he needed to do a cost-benefit analysis. The database would have cost $15 million. Stevens once helped pass spending that gave $223 million to build a bridge in Alaska joining a town of 50 to a "city" of about 8,000. I think the only analysis going on was analyzing how fucked he is going to be once people see how much pork he produces.

Bus driver: So this guy (I assume) tells the black students to go to the back of the school bus because the front is for whites. No, I'm not going back to the 50s or 60s for this winner. This happened last month in Shreveport. If you've read this blog for a while you've heard me talk about the South before, and I'll repeat it: there is nothing good about the South. Why are they still a part of our country? (If you're from the South, I'm just messing around. I love the South. So don't send a lynch mob or the Klan after me).