One less reason to drink in the morning

This weekend brings the end of the English Premier League season. Its not an end to all soccer as the Galaxy are in full swing, but I don't get to go to the pub and have a pint at 7am to watch MLS. In any case, European soccer leagues don't work like American sports. There are no playoffs. All 20 teams in England are in one league and whoever ends up in first place in the standings ("top of the table" we say) is the champion. This season, my beloved Liverpool once again left me slightly disappointed with a 4th place finish. However, there are incentives to finish in various spots in the table. Second place (along with the champion) automatically qualify for the group stage of the Champions League, maybe the biggest tournament for clubs in the world. 3rd and 4th enter the qualifying stages of the Champions League, which means that they have to beat up on the 2nd place team from Latvia or something to get into the group stages. 5th place gets you a spot in the UEFA Cup, which is like the "not quite good enough for the Champions League" tournament. After that, the only spots that matter are 18-20 since the lowest three teams in the table are sent down (relegated) to the lower division (called the Championship). The top 3 championship teams are moved up into the Premier League. Next year, Stoke City and West Bromwich Albion will move into the premiership along with the winner of a 4-team playoff.

So, if I haven't yet lost you, here's a run-down of the last games of the Premier League season and why they matter. Pay close attention because even the league championship is yet to be decided.

Sunderland v. Arsenal, Tottenham v. Liverpool, and Middlesboro v. Manchester City won't have an effect on anything except pride and maybe a manager's job.

Birmingham vs. Blackburn. Blackburn have nothing to play for, but Birmingham needs a win along with a loss by Fulham and a loss/tie by Reading to avoid relegation. I recommend rooting for Blackburn not only because American Brad Friedel minds their net, but for another reason that I'll explain later.

Chelsea v. Bolton. Bolton are safe unless they lose by 4+ to Chelsea. Chelsea are tied for the league lead, but need to get more points (1 for tie, 3 for win) than ManU to win the title since ManU have a greater goal differential (goals scored minus goals given up)

Derby v. Reading. Derby sucks and are going to be relegated no matter what. That sucks for the two Americans (Eddie Lewis and Benny Failhaber) on their roster. Reading (another American keeper here - Marcus Hanneman) need a win and a Fulham loss to stay in the Premiership.

Portsmouth v. Fulham. Portsmouth have nothing to play for. Fulham can stay in the league with a win or losses by both Reading and Birmingham. This is my #1 game for the weekend since 5 Americans play for Fulham (Brian McBride, Kasey Keller, Carlos Bocanegra, Clint Dempsey, and Eddie Johnson).

West Ham United v. Aston Villa. If Villa win and Everton loses Villa will move into the UEFA Cup spot (5th place). As a Liverpool fan I have to hate Everton since they are our closest rival, but they also have American Tim Howard in goal so I want them to stay up. (F.Y.I. - there are four Americans playing keeper in the Premier League - all starters)

Wigan v. ManUre (get it - manure, like cow shit? cuz I fucking hate ManU. But not as much as Chelsea). ManU wins and they are champs. If they don't win, they need Chelsea to do the same or worse than them. I'll explain at the end.

Everton v. Newcastle. I'm not sure how Newcastle managed to stay up since they blew goats all year, but they did and this game doesn't matter for them. However, Everton need to at least tie or have Villa not win to keep their spot in the UEFA Cup, which will be good for Tim Howard and the U.S.

Got all that? OK. Here's what I hope happens in the race for the title. I hope ManU lose - big. Then, I want Chelsea to take a one-goal lead into the last part of the game, only to give up two and lose the title in the last 5-10 minutes. That way, those See You Next Tuesdays (think about it) at Chelsea don't get the title and ManU can't celebrate. I hate both of them.

ALL GAMES START AT 7AM!