Somebody's busted

This is maybe the greatest story that I have ever heard about a politician getting caught being sneaky.

There is a bill that is currently making its way through the halls of Congress (S.2590) that would create an online publicly searchable database of government spending on things like contracts, grants, insurance, loans, etc. The purpose is to make the government more accountable to its spending. Sound pretty good right? Well, there are many people in the Senate that support this bill, including rightist wacko Bill Frist and leftist wacko Hillary Clinton. In fact, it went quickly through committee (a step where most bills die - see SchoolHouse Rock's "How a Bill becomes a law) and was poised to pass the Senate overwhelmingly - until a Senator put a "secret hold" on the bill. What is a secret hold? Its where a member secretly tells his party leader that he wants the bill held, in this case just before the Senate goes on break. How do you stop a secret hold? Only the person that ordered the hold can do that? (Yes, I know how sneaky that sounds).

Here's the part that I love. Some bloggers got together and started a campaign to find out who the "secret" person is. They simply told their readers to call their Senators and ask them if they put the hold on S.2590. The most up-to-date list that I saw is at TPMmuckraker. Through their efforts and the efforts of readers from Porkbusters.org, GOPProgress, and other sites, the list has been narrowed to six: Robert Byrd (D-W. Virginia), Mike Crapo (R- Indiana) who refused to answer, Judd Gregg (R- New Hamp.), Orrin Hatch (R- Utah), Ted Stevens (R - Alaska), and Robert Bennett (R - Utah) who I guess had a staffer sort of deny. My money is on Ted Stevens because he is a sneaky bastard or Mike Crapo because he won't answer. I think that it is also possible that one of the Senators that denied being the "secret holder" is lying. Either way, someone is an asshole and I would think has guaranteed a loss in the next election.

Yeah for blogging.

A new favorite website

Now, there is a chance that I have mentioned this before, but I am mentioning it again because they recently updated their site. There is a theater group in New York called "Improv Everywhere" that carries out these huge pranks and films them. In their most recent prank, they get more than 200 volunteers to go into a Home Depot and shop in slow motion for 5 minutes, then regular for 5 minutes, then they all freeze for 5 minutes. Its kind of funny, but not the best work. My favorite so far is their Best Buy prank:



Maybe I'm mostly entertained with how angry the manager at the Best Buy gets, but I was rolling. Go to their website to see more footage.

Douchebag of the Week - My birthday edition

Today, I mark the 29th anniversary of the day my mother missed her soap operas to give birth to me and my brother (5 minutes later). Here are some other people that also celebrate August 23rd as their birthday: L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant turns 28, River Phoenix would be 36 but he's dead, "Actress" Shelley Long and "Musician" Rick Springfield are both 57. "The Who" drummer Keith Moon would be 60, but he only made it to 32. Gene Kelly would be 94, but instead he's singin' in the grave. "Revolutionary" French King Louis XVI was born on this day in 1754. Mets first baseman and the oldest player in baseball Julio Franco turns 48 today and is still playing somehow. Ray "Darth Maul" Park celebrates #32 today.

You want to know what major events in history happened on my birthday? Well, I think I can oblige! Do you remember that scene from Braveheart where they torture and kill William Wallace? That happened on August 23rd 1305. In 1821, Mexico declared its independence from Spain. Rudolph Valentino died in 1926, which I think was a mysterious death or something. In 1927, Italian anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti were executed, although some argue that they were innocent and only executed because they were Italian anarchists. In 1939, the Germans and Russians signed a non-aggression pact that would last for decades (or maybe just a couple of years).

On to the douchebags...

Today's nominees that did not win:

Kaleb Spangler: Who would think that alcohol and fireworks would be a bad combination?!? Well, Mr. Spangler did not think about it when he taped a mortar-style firework to an old football helmet and put it on his head to launch it. Result: Severe burns, cuts and a concussion.

These "peaceful" monks: I guess one group of monks were in the middle of giving speeches in their peace demonstration when another group of monks came on stage to interrupt them. Basically, the monks starting fighting with eachother over their peace demonstration.

Kristy Grant: Now, there are people that have a lot of cats, then there are people that have a lot of cats. Kristy is one of the latter - she has 168 cats. And the local City Council has ruled that she must get rid of them after neighbors complained about the cats attacking squirrels and eating birds. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Kristy is a single lady - possibly missing many teeth.

Snakes in a mother fucking theater: I guess some very intelligent person decided that it would be a good idea to release real snakes in a theater during "Snakes on a Plane." In reality, I think this is a great idea, except next time don't release poisonous rattlesnakes. Or maybe just throw a rubber snake across the theater or something. How funny would it have been if the snakes bit the douchebag(s) that released them and they died? Super funny.

Albert Boyce: I'm going to give a little help to those of you that have the nasty habit of drunk driving. If you crash your car into a tree, don't tell police that your 4 year-old son was driving. That's what Albert tried, and it didn't work.

Josh Beury: Speaking of DUIs, let me give you another tip should you be caught in this predicament - don't show up to your DUI court date drunk. Josh tried this and it didn't work out too well. In fact, he got off pretty easy with a 30-day sentence. The problem is that they smelled alcohol on his breath as he was being escorted out of the courtroom. He blew a .20, which was a higher BAC than when he got his DUI. Now he gets to serve at least 90 days or maybe up to 6 years depending on his behavior. Isn't that a sign that you have a little problem with alcohol?

Nelson Chaudoin: Sometimes I am amazed at what passes for parenting these days. Nelson was having trouble because this kid (grandson? random kid? does it matter?) was touching himself to much. Nelson's solution? Bite the kids balls. No, seriously.

Troy Lee Gentry: I guess if you are a country music star you need to have that image of rugged outdoorsmen. Maybe its like a rapper needing to kill someone to get a street reputation. And what better way to get this image than to hunt and kill a bear with a bow and arrow? So Gentry went out to the woods, found a bear, stalked him quietly, then shot him clean through the neck, causing an instant death. Well, not exactly. He actually went and bought a bear, put it in a cage and shot it, then made a fake video of him shooting the bear in the wild. You're so rugged. Have you ever seen "Surviving the Game" with Ice-T and Gary Busey? Well, they basically find a homeless guy (Ice-T) and set him free in the wood and then hunt him. Only they forget its Ice-T and he's a fucking bad-ass so he actually kills all of them. In any case, I think that is what they should do to Troy Lee Gentry, only they should just put him in a cage and shoot him.

The passengers of Flight ZB 613: These passengers basically started what the article calls "a mutiny" because they didn't want the flight to leave with two young Arab men on board. I guess they heard the two guys speaking Arabic and they were wearing leather jackets on a warm day and were scruffy with long hair. The captain got security and the two men were escorted off the plane to be searched. The two gave no complaints and didn't put up a fight. They were put up in the airport hotel and allowed to fly home later that day. Is this seriously what it has come to? I would have been absolutely embarrassed to be a passenger on that flight. If this is how we act now, then the terrorists have won.

And the "winner"

I guess it was going to happen sooner or later, but my Douchebag of the Week is our favorite Scientologist*, Tom Cruise. After 14 years of working together, Paramount has decided to drop Crazy Tommy from their lineup due to his off-screen behavior. What could they possibly mean? His harassment of Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants? Jumping on Oprah's couch? Talking shit too Matt Lauer? His freakishly secretive child? The "kidnapping" of Katie Holmes? I'm not sure why Paramount is so worried. Maybe its because millions of people (like me) will no longer go to any movie with Tom Cruise in it because he's a complete spaz and a total douchebag.

(* Note: to any Scientologists that read this - I love Scientology and I don't think that you're crazy so please don't send your minions after me)

Wiretapping without a warrant is unconstitutional?

Well, I think most people had decided that a long time ago, but a federal court ruled today that it is officially illegal and ordered the NSA to stop.

First, I'm glad that our 3-branch system still exists and that there are actual checks on the President (executive branch) by the Courts (judicial branch).

Second, I'm waiting for the ridiculous responses from the conservative side. The ACLU will surely give a wacky interpretation of the decision as well, seeing that they are the plaintiff in the case and they have a small tendency to exaggerate. Here is my list of predictable conservative responses:

1. "That program is legal" OK, not such a tough prediction since the Attorney General already said that in the article I linked to above, but it was predictable. However, as the court's decision has decided, it is actually not legal.

2. "Those activist liberal justices..." Just because they disagree with you does not make them activist. It is their job to interpret law. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd want the judge to be activist.

3. "Liberals are helping the terrorists again." Well, I can see your point except that I think we need to protect the rights and freedoms that we are supposedly fighting for. I think the quote that Judge Taylor (who made the decision) used in the decision shows what I mean pretty well. Its from Earl Warren (another "activist" judge):

"Implicit in the term ‘national defense’ is the notion of defending
those values and ideas which set this Nation apart. . . . It would
indeed be ironic if, in the name of national defense, we would
sanction the subversion of . . . those liberties . . . which makes the
defense of the Nation worthwhile."

4. "Wiretaps help fight terrorists." Yep, but we could also shut down all travel outside of the U.S., close down all airlines, nuke the Middle East, and all of those would help fight terrorists but we don't do that. Why? Because that's going to far. Besides, this ruling does nothing to legal wiretaps done through FISA warrants. These are the types of warranted wiretaps that the British used to break up the most recent plot to blow up planes.

Look, I recognize the usefulness and need for wiretapping surveillance, but the Constitution says specifically that you need a warrant backed by reasonable cause. Its pretty clear. How easy is it to get a warrant.? According to this report, 1758 applications were made. None were denied. Sounds pretty tough.

Last comment. And this is more of a questions than a declaration of intent. If this ruling says that the President and/or NSA violated the law, shouldn't someone be in trouble? I'm really wondering.

BONUS!! More douchebags

First, here is a funny article about these worms that some Australian scientists found that are hermaphrodites. That's not so funny or unusual. What is funny is that they reproduce by having a penis fight. The winner "gets it in" the other worm first and the loser gets to be pregnant.

In my pursuit to post more often I present these douchebags for your consideration:

Here are the nominees (many political):

Stupid Americans: Quick! Name the Prime Minister of Britain. Now tell me the name of Homer's (not Simpson) two epic poems. OK, tell me what planet is closest to the sun. Three branches of the U.S. government? The most recent justice named to the Supreme Court. If you had trouble with any of those, then you are an average American. In the survey discussed in this article, only 1/2 of Americans could name Tony Blair, but 57% could name Harry Potter as J.K. Rowling's book wizard. Couldn't name "The Odyssey" and "The Iliad" as Homer's poems? Well, only 20.5 % surveyed could, so you're in the majority although 60% of American's could name Homer's son Bart. For the rest of the answers, read the article. Are we that stupid? (Although I am kind of impressed that 50% could name Tony Blair).

Cynthia McKinney: You may remember this nutbar from her attack on Capitol Hill police that wanted to see her ID. Well, the good Democrats of Georgia decided to not nominate her to get her seat back. What could be the reason for her defeat? Maybe the fact that she made an ass of herself in the news and pulled the race card to cover. Nope. She says that it was electronic voting and open primaries. She warns voters that these electronic voting machines only lead to corruption and prevent an African-American from winning any election because...what? OH, well it turns out she lost the primary to a fellow African-American. D'oh! Open primaries are when any member of any party can vote for a candidate in whichever party they choose in a primary, meaning a Republican could vote in the Democratic primary instead of the Republican. My feeling is that Republicans would have loved for this ass-clown to win. Its like choosing to play Moldova instead of Brazil in the World Cup. She needs to go away.

The Claustrophobic Lady: If you are afraid of small places why in the hell would you ever get on an airplane? Well, this lady did, went nuts, and caused a plane going from London to D.C. to divert to Boston. Didn't she ever see the A-Team? B.A. was so afraid of airplanes that they always had to drug his milk to get him to pass out so they could fly. That's what this lady needs. I'm sure none of the other people on the plane were pissed.

Some guy at NASA: So NASA wants to take the original tape of the moon landings and make them sharper. They call the guy in charge and he can't find them. How the fuck do you lose that tape!?! I lost my VHS copy of Swingers somewhere, but now I have it on DVD so its OK, but if it were the only copy in the world I'm sure I would have kept better track of it.

Poachers: (This is an unofficial nomination from Pete at Life Outside the Rat Race). Have you ever seen a West African Black Rhino? Well, you lost your chance because it seems that they are extinct. That's right, no more exist. How does this still happen in 2006? Well, it turns out that their horns can fetch as much as $50,000 on the black market (mostly Asia?) in medicine. Things don't look much better for the Northern Africa White Rhino as there aren't too many of those left. How many? 1,000? 100? 10? Nope. They could only find 4. How the fuck are there only four of one thing in the world?!? There are more than 4 people in my family! Someone needs to take one of these black market horns and shove it up the ass of every poacher they find. I hate to make comedy of this tragedy, but it really comes from anger.

Kevin Holder: One of yesterday's nominees amazed me by getting 70 tickets for speeding. Mr. Holder tops that record. He has been arrested 226 times. That's dedication to his craft. He really should be jailed for life to protect himself. How does he avoid a life term? Only felonies count for the state's 3-strikes rule.

Some really dumb Brazilian guy: So the story believes that this guy was a scrap-metal scavenger who had come across some rocket-propelled grenades. Now, what is the best way to open a live RPG to get out the metal? Well, this guy seemed to think a sledgehammer was his best option. Needless to say, he blew up.

Our "winner":
Sen. George Allen: The Virginia Senator was going after one of the volunteer's for his opponent and started calling him "macaca" which is basically a racial slur (like macaque - a type of monkey) that is more common in France. Allen speaks French. D'oh! It gets better. His first excuse? Its not a real word, I just made it up. Except you speak French and your mother is French Tunisian. Excuse #2? We call him mohawk, I messed it up. Yeah, they sound alike. And he said it twice. Next? Today's excuse was that it was a combination of "mohawk" and "caca" thus calling him a shithead. Here's the reality. Allen used to keep a Confederate flag in his office - with a noose next to it, he opposed a state recognition of Martin Luther King Day, and wanted a Confederate History Month. Nice try douchebag.
(Note: a lot of this material on George Allen comes from The Carpetbagger Report. Go read, its funny.)

Douchebag of the Week 8/15/06

First, here is a couple of the douchebags that I had stored up for the last month or so that are now too old to ethically use.

Man gets killed by lions. Why does this make him a douchebag? Because he climbed into the lion exhibit claiming that if God existed, God would protect him from the lions. Well, at least he knows for sure now.

Woman attacks dog breeder. I would be pissed too if the dog that I just bought died. However, this lady got into a fight with the breeder and began hitting her with the dead dog. I'm really trying to find a good pun for this one, but I'm drawing a blank.

My official nominees:

Google. As we all now know, Google is more than a website, it is also a verb. Yes, it is in the Webster's Dictionary. It now falls into the same category (sort of) as coke, kleenex, and frisbee. But I guess the people at Google don't like this and have come up with a new term to describe this fate: genericide. This is the term they used in writing a letter the author of the article asking him not to use "google" as a verb. Damn, I can understand why a company would not want that kind of publicity.

John Karbowski. Hypothetical situation. You live in humid warm Florida and are being overrun by mosquitoes. How do you solve the problem? Well, our friend Mr. Karbowski decided to try and raise a colony of bats on his property to eat the mosquitoes. Unfortunately for the bats, he did not properly care for them and they all died - so he is being charged with animal cruelty.

Francesca Cisneros. First, let me confess something here. Once, when I was 17, I got a speeding ticket. I know, my image of perfection has been tarnished. Francesca, on the other hand, has been given more than a few speeding tickets in the last 5 months - 70 to be exact. Now, I know people that have been caught speeding twice, even three times in a short period (***cough** my brother ***cough***), but this is just absurd. It is not, however, the number of tickets that garnered Francesca this nomination, but her response to the tickets: she threw them all away thinking that nothing could happen to her. Well, now she faces $11,000 in fines and, according to the article, possible suspension of her license. Possible!! This lady shouldn't be allowed around other people anymore let alone allowed to operate a moving vehicle. She shouldn't even be allowed to ride the bus.

My youngest ever douchebag nominee (I think) unfortunately has to remain anonymous because of her age. You see, Indian judge Julia Jent has come up with a new punishment for teen traffic offenders - they have to ride the bus to school. Not get a ride from friends or from their parents, but ride the big metal twinkie. What the judge noticed was that this one particular girl did not seem to care that she was getting a ticket (probably because she was a spoiled little shit) so Judge Jent sentenced her to ride the bus to school every day for a few months or face a fine and suspension of her license. Like with Francesca above, it was her response that got her the nomination: she began to cry outside the courtroom. Douche!

And the winner:

Peter McBride. Now, I am not one to be very critical of a person's reason for getting a tattoo. You see, I have to yellow stars inked on my right arm - one for each of the L.A. Galaxy's MLS Cup titles. However, I feel that my criticism of this guy is pretty fair. You see, he was in the tattoo parlor and the guy in front of him was wearing a polo shirt, so Peter got the Polo horse logo tattooed on his chest where it would be if he was wearing a Polo shirt. I wish it was still PC to call stupid things gay, because this would completely qualify.

That's it for now. I feel pretty good having added another honoree to the Wall of Douchebaggery. Hopefully I'll pull some more together for next week.

Its time to start blogging again

Its funny that I was more apt to blog during the school year when I did not have time. Sitting at my desk in my classroom, the internet had a greater draw for me than grading papers, filing, or planning. However, now that I actually have time I feel like I need to blog again. This whole fucked up world is also pretty big incentive to write something.

First, We are almost 12 hours into a ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon/Hezbollah. Will it stick? My guess is no. There is already "small fighting" between the sides, which I guess doesn't count in the ceasefire? One side or the other is probably going to launch a bunch of missiles saying that the other side was about to. Why do I think this? History. That's how it works with Israel and pretty much every other country these days. One example: the Six-Day War. Israel attacked Egypt, Iraq, Jordan and Syria because Egypt was building up troops near the Egypt/Israel border. Justified or not, Israel went on to not only defend the territory they already had, but increased their land as well - not too defensive of a war in my view. I don't want you to see this as an example of how bad I think Israel is, but instead how things tend to escalate quickly in the Middle East. Honestly, I think Israel was a little justified in going after Hezbollah, not for the reason they originally gave (two kidnapped Israeli soldiers), but for their own protection. However, it has clearly become a case of attacking a country instead of the terrorists, as many innocent Lebanese have been killed in the Israeli attacks. The standard argument is that Lebanon won't do anything to stop Hezbollah, so its their fault. What this argument forgets is that many in the Lebanese army are Shiites, so they will not kill the Shiites in Hezbollah, thus making the Lebanese Army more or less useless in this situation. Also, Israel has been cutting off aid to the people of Lebanon, including fuel, which is needed to run important things like hospitals(you may need a membership to NYTimes for this link). To sum it all up, I think Israel needs to either look to other countries for help in actually going after Hezbollah instead of innocent Lebanese OR they need to just back off.

Second, this whole terrorist plot busting has got me worked up for several reasons. #1: How did we not know that liquids could be smuggled onto a plane and used to blow it up? I say that because this same thing was going to happen in 1995. Why do we always decide to ban things after we almost get blown up by them? Shouldn't somebody look back at 1995 ad say "You know, they had a plan to smuggle liquids onto a plane to blow the plane up, why don't we ban liquids from being brought onto a plane?" That wouldn't be so hard. People really don't need to carry-on their shampoo because every hotel in the world gives you some for free. The airlines bring water, soda, booze, etc. on the plane so you don't have to. Just put your cologne into the checked luggage. Seems easy enough. Its like after 9-11. All of a sudden we have these restrictions where we have to take off our shoes, can't bring on nail clippers or box-cutters, etc. Who the hell needs box-cutters on a plane anyways? Leave that shit at home! #2: Isn't it interesting that the day before this plot was broken up, many big Republicans were randomly going after Democrats for being weak on terrorism? Well, this article thought that was pretty interesting too (thanks to Bob over at In the Belly of the Whale for posting this earlier - read his post). Why not go after your opponent when you can give a perfect example of terrorism the next day? Don't get me wrong here. This is not entirely a criticism of Republicans (although it is mostly that) because I know that Democrats would have done the same thing. They are all douchebags. #3: Who actually complains about extra airplane security? Only assholes. One lady on the news said that when she weighed the costs and benefits of tighter security in considering the inconvenience placed on passengers, she said the extra security was not worth it. Are you fucking kidding me? She needs to be blown up on a plane. I am more than happy to take off my shoes, have them search my bag, and even have them feel my balls (with the back of their hand of course) if it means my plane is that much less likely to blow up or crash into a building. Yes, I know that its a bigger deal for women, but you won't have boobs for the security to feel after you explode over the Atlantic. That's my point. Let's learn how to cope.

That's all for now. I am building up a collection of douchebags and plan to post again tonight.

I feel like I said some offensive things above. If your offended, I'm sorry - sorry that you're so easily offended - get over it.

Sorry ladies...

...but I'm now officially off the market. Yep, married. What does that mean? The most common joke that I hear is that I will now be ordered around and that marriage cake kills a woman's desire to have sex. That joke got old after the first time I heard it and was kind of annoying times 2-74. However, after being married now for almost 4 whole days, I can honestly say its a pretty good deal and I feel good about the decision.

About the wedding and reception. You know how people say that guests generally don't notice the mistakes that happen during the wedding day? Well, there were no mistakes Saturday. Everything went according to plan. I have to admit that I was a little worried when two of my groomsmen went to Rubio's at 1:30 when we were supposed to be dressed and in the church at 2:00, but they somehow made it back. I'm still not sure how Andrew and Peter pulled that off. The reception was a good time. I thought the food was way better than I remembered in our tasting. The Karl Strauss Amber Lager was delicious. That was my drink of choice the whole night, although I know that the wine was good because I chose the white and my in-laws chose the red (which I also sampled). In any case, I enjoyed the evening. We stayed at the Westin across the street. That's a seriously nice place. I enjoyed a $19 breakfast of 2 eggs, hash browns, and 2 sausages. Actually, the two breakfasts together with tax and tip came out to $55, but it came with coffee and OJ (which I think was actually Sunny Delight). In return, we took the mini jars of preserves and ketchup.

So, that's that for the wedding. Its nice to be married, but its extra nice seeing that I no longer have to plan wedding, which I was barely involved in anyways.

Things I want to write about, but don't have time: Israel-Lebanon, Mel Gibson, and Fidel Castro.