Douchebag of the Week - My birthday edition

Today, I mark the 29th anniversary of the day my mother missed her soap operas to give birth to me and my brother (5 minutes later). Here are some other people that also celebrate August 23rd as their birthday: L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant turns 28, River Phoenix would be 36 but he's dead, "Actress" Shelley Long and "Musician" Rick Springfield are both 57. "The Who" drummer Keith Moon would be 60, but he only made it to 32. Gene Kelly would be 94, but instead he's singin' in the grave. "Revolutionary" French King Louis XVI was born on this day in 1754. Mets first baseman and the oldest player in baseball Julio Franco turns 48 today and is still playing somehow. Ray "Darth Maul" Park celebrates #32 today.

You want to know what major events in history happened on my birthday? Well, I think I can oblige! Do you remember that scene from Braveheart where they torture and kill William Wallace? That happened on August 23rd 1305. In 1821, Mexico declared its independence from Spain. Rudolph Valentino died in 1926, which I think was a mysterious death or something. In 1927, Italian anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti were executed, although some argue that they were innocent and only executed because they were Italian anarchists. In 1939, the Germans and Russians signed a non-aggression pact that would last for decades (or maybe just a couple of years).

On to the douchebags...

Today's nominees that did not win:

Kaleb Spangler: Who would think that alcohol and fireworks would be a bad combination?!? Well, Mr. Spangler did not think about it when he taped a mortar-style firework to an old football helmet and put it on his head to launch it. Result: Severe burns, cuts and a concussion.

These "peaceful" monks: I guess one group of monks were in the middle of giving speeches in their peace demonstration when another group of monks came on stage to interrupt them. Basically, the monks starting fighting with eachother over their peace demonstration.

Kristy Grant: Now, there are people that have a lot of cats, then there are people that have a lot of cats. Kristy is one of the latter - she has 168 cats. And the local City Council has ruled that she must get rid of them after neighbors complained about the cats attacking squirrels and eating birds. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Kristy is a single lady - possibly missing many teeth.

Snakes in a mother fucking theater: I guess some very intelligent person decided that it would be a good idea to release real snakes in a theater during "Snakes on a Plane." In reality, I think this is a great idea, except next time don't release poisonous rattlesnakes. Or maybe just throw a rubber snake across the theater or something. How funny would it have been if the snakes bit the douchebag(s) that released them and they died? Super funny.

Albert Boyce: I'm going to give a little help to those of you that have the nasty habit of drunk driving. If you crash your car into a tree, don't tell police that your 4 year-old son was driving. That's what Albert tried, and it didn't work.

Josh Beury: Speaking of DUIs, let me give you another tip should you be caught in this predicament - don't show up to your DUI court date drunk. Josh tried this and it didn't work out too well. In fact, he got off pretty easy with a 30-day sentence. The problem is that they smelled alcohol on his breath as he was being escorted out of the courtroom. He blew a .20, which was a higher BAC than when he got his DUI. Now he gets to serve at least 90 days or maybe up to 6 years depending on his behavior. Isn't that a sign that you have a little problem with alcohol?

Nelson Chaudoin: Sometimes I am amazed at what passes for parenting these days. Nelson was having trouble because this kid (grandson? random kid? does it matter?) was touching himself to much. Nelson's solution? Bite the kids balls. No, seriously.

Troy Lee Gentry: I guess if you are a country music star you need to have that image of rugged outdoorsmen. Maybe its like a rapper needing to kill someone to get a street reputation. And what better way to get this image than to hunt and kill a bear with a bow and arrow? So Gentry went out to the woods, found a bear, stalked him quietly, then shot him clean through the neck, causing an instant death. Well, not exactly. He actually went and bought a bear, put it in a cage and shot it, then made a fake video of him shooting the bear in the wild. You're so rugged. Have you ever seen "Surviving the Game" with Ice-T and Gary Busey? Well, they basically find a homeless guy (Ice-T) and set him free in the wood and then hunt him. Only they forget its Ice-T and he's a fucking bad-ass so he actually kills all of them. In any case, I think that is what they should do to Troy Lee Gentry, only they should just put him in a cage and shoot him.

The passengers of Flight ZB 613: These passengers basically started what the article calls "a mutiny" because they didn't want the flight to leave with two young Arab men on board. I guess they heard the two guys speaking Arabic and they were wearing leather jackets on a warm day and were scruffy with long hair. The captain got security and the two men were escorted off the plane to be searched. The two gave no complaints and didn't put up a fight. They were put up in the airport hotel and allowed to fly home later that day. Is this seriously what it has come to? I would have been absolutely embarrassed to be a passenger on that flight. If this is how we act now, then the terrorists have won.

And the "winner"

I guess it was going to happen sooner or later, but my Douchebag of the Week is our favorite Scientologist*, Tom Cruise. After 14 years of working together, Paramount has decided to drop Crazy Tommy from their lineup due to his off-screen behavior. What could they possibly mean? His harassment of Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants? Jumping on Oprah's couch? Talking shit too Matt Lauer? His freakishly secretive child? The "kidnapping" of Katie Holmes? I'm not sure why Paramount is so worried. Maybe its because millions of people (like me) will no longer go to any movie with Tom Cruise in it because he's a complete spaz and a total douchebag.

(* Note: to any Scientologists that read this - I love Scientology and I don't think that you're crazy so please don't send your minions after me)