Where Christmas went wrong

I'm a big fan of Christmas on many levels. As a Christian I like the idea of re-birth and the start of second chances and all that. As human I like the tendency of people to be a little nicer during the holidays. However, its clear to me that somewhere we decided to follow the dark path of obsessing over gift-giving instead of the focus on good-naturedness. How did this happen? Eartha Kitt. You heard me. Eartha "Santa Baby" Kitt. In 1954 she recorded the now classic Christmas song "Santa Baby" in which she sings to Santa in hopes of getting a bunch of expensive shit for Christmas. So I've decided to go through the lyrics of the song as a way to vent my anger against the commercialization this Christmas.


Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me
OK, have you seen a sable? They're kinda cute, but this bitch wants you to kill a couple dozen to keep her warm.
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight
What? Wait like the rest of us bitch. He's got a whole world to get to and you want him to hurry to your triflin' ass!?

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue,
You can't just accept a free fucking car - you have to get all picky?!
I'll wait up for you dear
Now you'll wait?
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Nevermind - I guess he should skip all of the children and hit you up first you greedy tramp

Think of all the fun I've missed,
I have a feeling you haven't missed that much fun slut
Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed
You didn't kiss them on the mouth but I bet you kissed something whore
Next year I could be just as good
If you check off my Christmas list
See!?! She'll only be good if you give her a bunch of shit! Why not be good for the sake of being good. Oh, that's right. You're a filthy hooker

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot
If its not a lot why don't you buy it with all the money you get giving $2 blowjobs in subway bathrooms
Been an angel all year
That's not what the starting line-up for the Detroit Pistons said
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Holy Shit! He gets the point. He'll get there you gold-digging mattress jockey.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need, the deed
To a platinum mine,
OK, so you won't life a finger to get your own car but you'll somehow figure out how to get something from a platinum mine!?! Give me a break. What the fuck are you going to do with a platinum mine!?!
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry before you jump on the next guy in line doorknob?

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and cheques,
Real Estate is actually a pretty smart decision, but can't you just take the checks that will come from the rent you charge? Nope, you need your greed fulfilled right now and with as little of your own effort as possible.
Sign your x on the line
on the contract giving up your soul... and your balls
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight
How many times have we seen the hot slutty chick get all flirtatious with the old fat guy to get what she wants? I guess you've taken a page from Anna Nicole's book.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
Now that's what I'm talking about... a little "trimmin' the tree" for Santa!
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
Nevermind... cocktease
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me
because its hard to believe that there are greedy skank bitches out there that will take advantage of horny fat dudes

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring,
You didn't forget, you just wanted to wait until he brought you all that other shit with the expectation of getting some ass and then you lay another demand on him hooker.
I don't mean on the phone,
Of course you don't a phone call doesn't cost enough
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight.
You better hurry and get ready to let Santa into your chimney and I don't mean the one made of bricks.

That made me feel better.