Douchebag of the Week 3/7/06 or whenever I finish writing it

I always hate not having time to blog due to stupid things like work and TV. OK, not so much TV, but I also tried to blog the other day, but was distracted by soccer video games. In any case, there are a plethora of nominees for this "weeks" issue.

First, a complete anti-Douchebag special award goes to Jason McElwain. He is an autistic kid that has been a manager for his high school's basketball team for 3 years. As a gift for his senior year, the coach let him dress for the final game of the year. As they were up 20+ with 4 minutes left the coach put Jason in. After missing his first shot by 4 feet, Jason nailed 6 3-pointers and finished with 20 points. His team went on to win the state title. Watch the video. It rocks. Jason is my new hero.

On to the douchebags.

Terence Braxton: What is a good way to supplement your measly teacher income? Take bribes of course. I always tell my students that I am willing to take bribes as long as its enough for me to live comfortably for the rest of my life without having a job. This guy, however, actually took the money. Kids in his PE class could get out of class by giving him $1. I guess he made a few hundred, which shows just how lazy some kids are.

Franklin Paul Crow: One of the things that I hate about having a roommate is when they don't replace the toilet paper when it gets used up. Well, Franklin's roommate was tired of this problem and pulled out a gun. I guess Frankie didn't see this as a joke an proceeded to bludgeon his roommate to death with a sledgehammer. Then he realized that he did forget to replace the TP. OK, not really. He did kill the guy though.

Alan Patton: Um, this guy hides in bathrooms and drinks boys urine. Yeah, I guess I really don't have to say much more here. He doesn't molest them though, so that keeps him from winning, which is too bad because this week's prize is a gallon of urine.

Travis Frey: There are a lot of child molesters in the world, so that does not distinguish them enough to be Douchebags of the Week. However, this kiddie porn dealer came up with the now infamous marriage contract. Here's one line: "When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed." Other topics include rewards for good behavior, body hair trimming, required sexual activity and the points awarded for each. I find it hard to believe that this stand-up citizen is also a kiddie porn freak.

Dumbass thieves (although they didn't get caught): So you build up the guts to actually hijack a semi carrying beer. So what beer do you take? I jack a truck of Newcastle. These assclowns now have a gang of MGD. I know a lot of people drink this piss and would love about 2000 free cases, but those people deserve what they get. Can you imagine how drunk these guys are all of the time? I wonder what happens when you get to case, like, I don't know, 250. Don't you say to yourself "I'm tired of MGD all of the time"? That's what I mean. Rob the truck carrying microbrews or kegs or something. All right, I admit it. I'm actually really jealous.

Mr Tombe: Normally, having sex with a goat is enough to get you nominated for Douchebag of the Week. However, this guy goes the extra mile when he is punished. He has to marry the goat. You know what's coming... I wonder if the goat started to nag him after they were married. The best part is that he also had to pay a dowry to the goat's owner. I am not kidding about that either.

Bill O'Reilly: I feel like he has been nominated before, but somehow this complete moron has stayed off the Douchebag radar so far. Maybe the monkeys on the EToWJB staff are scared of him. OK, there is apparently a feud between Bill and MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, previously a horrible sports guy on LA's own CBS Channel 2. It is so bad that Bill does not allow people to even mention Olbermann when they call in. Keith, for his part, has referred to O'Reilly as the "worst person" in the world or U.S. or something like that. However, in this case Bill has shown what kind of ass he really is. When a caller mentioned Olbermann, Bill "dumped" him and said that he had the caller's phone number and that he would turn the number over to Fox Security and that they would pay the caller a visit. Since when is threatening your callers legal? I hope this costs O'Reilly at least a couple of million if not his job.

Finally, in a FoxNews themed issue of the Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award, the winner:

Ann Coulter: You would think that I am nailing this psycho for something she said about politics, but I am not. Unfortunately, Ann ventured into the world of Oscar predictions. Warning: If you are black, Asian, gay, transgender, any combination thereof (yes, she uses the term "gaysian"), or just a human being with a conscience, you may be offended by what she wrote. For example, she said Crash would not win because "Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks." and "Hollywood can never do enough for the gays." She also quotes the award's namesake by saying that "homosexuality has gone from 'the love that dare not speak its name' to 'the love that won't shut up.'" No, really. Then she suggests titles to movies that will follow the Brokeback gay cowboy theme: "Westward Homo," "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven," "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral" and "How West Hollywood was Won." She correctly predicted that Hoffman would win, reasoning that they couldn't give everything to Brokeback but also saying that "at least Truman Capote was gay." There are so many more gems in there including her suggestion that Al-Jazeera gave a 4 1/2 pipe-bombs rating to a documentary about suicide bombers. By the way, she makes all of these comments after having admitted to not having seen any of these movies. Congratulations Ann Coulter, you are an absolute fucking douchebag.