The "Winner" of the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Year Award

I actually gave this more thought than I should have. Pete and Lauri argued that the person(s) that broke into my truck were the clear winners, but I feel that this award should think bigger. Besides, those twats have to live with themselves. Their crimes may not effect them now, but at some point it will hit them that they no longer have souls. My winner, on the other hand, gave up the concern of having a soul a long time ago.

First, I would have to say that George Allen, Ted Stevens, and Curtis Gokey get 3rd - 5th respectiviely. I think, like the car burglars, that they will get some punishment in the end. Pat Robertson, although an incredible douchebag, is really in line for a lifetime achievement award and I already named the award after him. However, if, God willing, Ann Coulter can't live up to the duties of the job, Pat will have to step up.

So I am giving the first ever Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Year Award to Ann Coulter. The more I thought about it, the more I realized 4 things: #1: Although her hateful comments won her the nomination, this nomination was inevitable #2: All of her books have subtitles that rag on liberals (at least Al Franken rags on specific conservatives, not all of them in general) and that idea got old after the first book. #3: I think she goes overboard on purpose just for the attention - which is really annoying and #4: The things she writes makes me feel like she is oblivious to the world around her and she thinks that people are too stupid to figure her out. Unfortunately, most of them are.

Open House

For those in the Pasadena area: We are having an Open House type gathering tomorrow at our place. There will be drinks of all shapes and sizes (wine, beer, spirits, regular and blood-orange mimosas), snacks, and possibly chili. Call for directions. If you don't have my phone number, click on my profile and e-mail me for directions. I suppose USC fans can come as well.

Douchebag of the Year finalists

I've narrowed my choices down to five after skimming off the "cream of the crap." I eliminated short-list nominees for several reasons: 1. I wanted a winner with an actual name. 2. I eliminated people that were just plain stupid and whose actions resulted in consequences that they could not foresee in their stupidity. 3. People who were just flat-out cruel more than they were douchebags.

Here are the 5 finalists and explanations why they survived the cut:

Curtis Gokey for suing the city of Lodi for damages done his truck after he backed the city's truck into it. I mean, its one thing to do what he did, but how can he actually think that the city would pay for that? Its because our society has created victims and Curtis wants a free lunch.

Ann Coulter for her lovely hateful comments like "Hollywood feels that it has done enough for the blacks" and calling homosexuality "the love that won't shut up." Also, she really earned this honor with the coinage of the term "gaysian". Really, more anything she gets this because I really think she believes what she says and doesn't see how absolutely retarded it sounds. Maybe there should be an honorable mention for any of the millions of douchebags out there that buy into the fecal matter that spew forth from her equine face.

Pat Robertson. What can I say about good ol' Pat? Whether its his claim that he can leg-press 2000 pounds or the many many many times he has tasted the sweet taste of his patent leather shoes, how does he not end up a finalist?

George Allen is an easy pick since he is one of the few people in the 21st century that can be proud of the fact that he blew his entire career by using an obscure French racial epithet. From Presidential hopeful to hopeless racist in about 3 months - sounds like a douchebag to me.

Finally, Ted Stevens. Maybe he is so old that he forgot that the internet existed. However, the first real direct victim of bloggers had to face the fact that he was holding back a very popular bill just to protect his own as. Plus, it contributed greatly to all of us winning Time magazine's person of the year.

Any input is of course welcome. The final winner will be announced Sunday.

Gerald Ford

In the comments of my last post Pete asked about Gerald Ford's legacy. Unfortunately, I think his legacy will be that he was not elected to the position and that he pardoned Nixon. Maybe that's what it should be in regards to the Presidency. I mean, he came in at a pretty tough time with having just got out of Vietnam, Watergate, and there was serious problems with inflation. However, it would have been easy enough to decline. He took over a tough job at a tough time, made some gutsy decisions and a lot of vetoes, so I think he deserves some credit.

However, Ford was a long-serving member of Congress before becoming President. Before replacing Agnew (then Nixon) he was well on his way to being Speaker of the House. There, I think he will be remembered for his strong bipartisanship and honesty. I think that honesty is why people liked him as a person. He also served on the Warren Commission to investigate Kennedy's Assassination.

Oddly enough, I think many Americans will remember him as a klutz thanks to Chevy Chase's portrayals of him on Saturday Night Live. Really though, he was a good athlete at Michigan (Go Blue!).

I, however, would like to think that his legacy will be based on his appearance on the Simpsons.

Things I found in my truck

Today was my semi-annual "Clean Shit out of my truck" Day. Anyone who says that they have an extended cab truck for the extra seats are kidding themselves. I'm not talking about those big-ass trucks with four doors for people who don't care about the environment or who need to compensate for the lack of "extension" in other areas. My truck has these little fold-down seats (that have never been folded down) that are more narrow than seats at the Rose Bowl. In other words, not built to fit an adult human ass. Therefore, this area has become a sort-of storage facility for things that are in a transitional period between two places - either from my apartment to work or from useful to trash.

So here is a list of things that I found in my truck this morning:

My 2005 MLS Cup Champions Galaxy hat
2 pairs of underwear
1 pair of pants
1 Galaxy t-shirt that I thought was lost
1 tie clip that I replaced 3 months ago
2 Beastie Boys posters (that are up for grabs)
1 world map (that will be going to school)
3 pairs of shoes
9 Galaxy ticket stubs
1 bag of Blue Plastic Cups
1 bag of napkins
3 unopened bottles of Diet Coke
4 half-empty bottles of water
1 Star Wars: Episode 1 poster (little Anakin with Darth Vader shadow - also up for grabs)
my tube of posters from college (2 Trainspotting, various Sierra Nevada, 2 Rage Against the Machine, 1 Swingers, maybe others - also up for grabs)
1 pair of Adidas shinguards
2 soccer balls
many pieces of sharp glass left over from various break-ins
1 big mag flashlight
1 first aid kit
2 car-size toolkits
1 phone book
1 box of 3-inch drywall screws

I think that's it.

2006 Douchebag of the Year

There really isn't much to this. Below you will find a review of the weekly winners from 2006. (By review I mean that I cut-and-pasted the winners from the various weeks that I actually wrote something.) I will accept any comments as votes for one person in particular or separate nominations. I will announce a winner and my reasons later this week.

My criteria:
1. Just how stupid was the act committed?
2. Could common sense have prevented the action?
3. How hard did I laugh when I read it?
4. How much hatred for the person wells up from the deepest depths of my soul?

The nominees:

About 50 people in Bakersfield; From the city that brought us the monkey that tore off his former owner's testicles comes these fine specimens of the human race. They stole money from the Red Cross Hurricane Katrina Relief funds. How? They worked for the Red Cross helping hurricane victims file for financial relief and just put their names and the names of some of their friends and family in the hopper. This brings up two questions? (1)What kind of douchebag steals money from the Red Cross? (2) Are there really people in Bakersfield smart enough to come up with this plan? A suitable punishment for these people should be having to live in Bakersfield for the rest of their lives.

Pat Robertson: I really should re-name this award the Pat Robertson Honorary Douchebag of the Week with all of the comedy that comes from this guy. First, he blames the 9-11 attacks on abortion, homosexuals and the ACLU (OK, he really just agreed with Falwell). Then he calls for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez because Venezuela was a source of Communism and extremist Muslims. Well, I could go on forever or I could just show you this link, which will guide you to six pages of wonderful Pat Robertson quotes. In any case, this time he has decided that Ariel Sharon is to blame for his own stroke because he gave away God's land. Now, that is pretty bad, but he went on to say that the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin was "the same thing." Here is where I take the bigger issue. I was a freshman in college when Rabin was assassinated. This guy started a major movement towards peace between Israel and Palestine, signed a peace treaty with Jordan, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. My guess is this guy was in pretty freakin' good with God (even though he was surely going to hell since he didn't believe in Jesus - that's a joke). I, for one, blame the assassination on the asshole who shot him, thus bringing another decade of hate and war to the region. Pat Robertson, I think you need to meet up with Rev. Latham and blow eachother.

Suzy Collins: Lots of people in recent history have cheated on their significant other and lots of them have been caught. Ms. Collins, however, was caught when her boyfriend's bird did its best impression of her calling the other man. If the "I love you Gary" wasn't enough, the bird began regularly chirping "hiya Gary" when the phone rang. Also, when he turned off the lights the bird squawked "Oh yeah Gary, come get me big boy, oh yeah, right there, harder! harder! Call me Xena! Call me Princess Di" OK, I made the last part up, but the rest is true. What a douchebagette.

Curtis Gokey: Gokey is suing the city of Lodi because one of their workers backed a city truck into Gokey's truck. Wait for it... Who was driving the truck? Curtis was. This dumbass backed his city truck into his own personal truck and wants the city to pay for it. Well, the city, which normally just pays for damages caused by its workers, is fighting this douchebag. I think they need to fire his ass as well. Seriously, does he really think they'll just say "OK, we'll pay you for your own fuckup?" This guy should move to Bakersfield so he can fit in better.

Comedic Douchbag of the Week: Sylvester Williams was arrested for selling crack. Nothing unusual about that. The comedy is in how they caught him. Well, it turns out that he was a very enterprising crack dealer and so he had made some business cards that ended up in the hands of the police, who called in an order and arrested him. The slogan on his business card (and my new life mantra): "For a quick hit on time call the boss." I think he was sampling the product a little too much.

Asshole Douchebag of the Week: Bill Handel decided last week that the death of a few hundred Muslims making a traditional pilgrimage would be a good subject for a comedy bit. He created a fake traffic report about the stampeding crowd that ended up in the death of 363 people. When the Council of American Islamic Relations demanded an apology, he responded that he would apologize only if CAIR denounced terrorism, recognized Israel's right to exist, and deny any connections to terrorist groups. Where's the connection there? I have no idea. He's done it before too. In 2004 he said that Muslims don't bathe, hate Jews, and have sex with animals. How is this ass-clown still on the radio? I guess any station willing to put Dr. Laura on the air is willing to accept and racist asshole.

Michael Garibay: For the winner we travel back to Orlando. (How can the same city that hosts Disneyworld also host so many douchebags?) Mr. Garibay was arrested for trying to sell cocaine to a police officer. The catch is, this officer was not part of some undercover operation to bust drug dealers. He was in uniform, on patrol, and sitting in his police car. Drugs are bad.

Vanessa Jackson: (nominated by Pete at Life Outside the Rat Race). What is the definition of a bad parent? How about feeding your kids from the same bowl everyday, only feeding them water on some nights, not feeding them at all on other nights, or beating them with shoes when they try to get food. Maybe you force them to sit on the stairs all day, then keep them awake at all hours, also forcing them to stay in bed until after noon. Then you don't let them outside. Don't take them to a doctor despite the fact that the kids are grossly malnourished. All of this while your other kids live normal lives. This is exactly what Vanessa Jackson and her now dead husband did to four of the foster children they had. Jackson, along with her biological children, deny that these stories are true, but the skinny-ass kids they found digging in the garbage say otherwise. I almost feel bad putting this lady in the same category with the other douchebags.

Ann Coulter: You would think that I am nailing this psycho for something she said about politics, but I am not. Unfortunately, Ann ventured into the world of Oscar predictions. Warning: If you are black, Asian, gay, transgender, any combination thereof (yes, she uses the term "gaysian"), or just a human being with a conscience, you may be offended by what she wrote. For example, she said Crash would not win because "Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks." and "Hollywood can never do enough for the gays." She also quotes the award's namesake by saying that "homosexuality has gone from 'the love that dare not speak its name' to 'the love that won't shut up.'" No, really. Then she suggests titles to movies that will follow the Brokeback gay cowboy theme: "Westward Homo," "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven," "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral" and "How West Hollywood was Won." She correctly predicted that Hoffman would win, reasoning that they couldn't give everything to Brokeback but also saying that "at least Truman Capote was gay." There are so many more gems in there including her suggestion that Al-Jazeera gave a 4 1/2 pipe-bombs rating to a documentary about suicide bombers. By the way, she makes all of these comments after having admitted to not having seen any of these movies. Congratulations Ann Coulter, you are an absolute fucking douchebag.

The winner is the person or people that broke into my truck last night while I was eating dinner at Green Street. They took 3 bags after smashing my window. One bag had an iPod and my digital camera. That stuff is expensive, but easily replaceable. However, in the other bag was the free loot that I got from the Vroman's Book Bus, which was all books and a few trinkets. The other bag had my school work (including the gradesheets for my students' notebooks which took me 3+ hours to do), my planbook, the sample CDs from the book publishers, my paycheck, my $80 UCLA textbook, my checkbook, and really more things of almost no value to them. So I am sure these cunts (yeah, I said it) are enjoying the new digital camera and iPod while all of the stuff that I can't replace is in the garbage. So, thanks...you complete fucking douchebags.

Who else, but our beloved Pat Robertson. What for? Well, it turns out that our dear friend Pat claims that he can leg-press 2000 pounds. I'm not kidding. Check the link. Look, I will rightfully claim that I have very strong legs. When at the gym, I generally will do sets of leg presses at around 200+ pounds. The record for the leg press at Florida State is 665 pounds. So this guy must be full of crap. How does he do it? By drinking a protein shake. No, seriously.


Anybody who buys this video game: Are you familiar with the "Left Behind" series of books? If not, it is a long-running series of books written at the 5th grade level telling an completely unrealistic story of the biblical end-of-the-world. The authors are taking in cash hand over fist while uneducated tremble in fear that they are not going to disappear when Jesus comes back and be "left behind." In any case, they are now making a video game. Not just any video game, but a violent video game. Yes, very Christian of you. According to the description, players will be armed for a military-style crusade to "convert people" by blasting them to pieces. I'm hoping that they go really biblical and have crucifixions, people skinned alive, turn people into salt, feed them to the lions, etc. However, they are probably not that creative.

I don't have time for a list of nominees, but a winner jumped out to me today while watching the morning news.

If you are not aware, the mayor of Los Angeles is trying to take over the LA Unified School District as part of his plan to reform and improve the schools. Although I won't come to the defense of the LAUSD bureaucracy 100% on this issue, Mayor Villaraigosa has showed just how much he cares about the real issue here. At a "town hall" meeting last night about AB1381, the Assembly Bill that would essentially give him the ability to take over LA schools, he left early. Parents and interested parties were left without the ear of the one man that seeks to gain a huge amount of power from this deal. I think that is just what he wants: more power.


Here's another example of just how concerned Villaraigosa is with the views of the people. Just 3 hours before a scheduled attendance at a San Fernando City Council meeting he cancels because he and his people were not prepared for a public meeting. Earth to douchebag - all City Council meetings in this state are public. ITS THE LAW! Do you not know the law? Maybe you should learn the law before you ditch the people of LA for your attempt at running for governor next time around. That is what I think the real issue is. Believe it or not, LA schools are achieving great success and growth. I think there are dedicated teachers and support staff that make this happen. My school has seen incredible growth in the time that I've been there. I think Villaraigosa wants to take over, get credit for this success, and then run for governor.

What really makes him a douchebag, though, is this article. Apparently he makes it a habit of leaving things early and being a dick. The article discusses this memo that got out of the mayor's office to the LA Times last week. There are very strict rules about being an aide to the mayor: always be within his line of sight, seat him near an exit, have a backup exit plan, and always have a packet of Listerine breath strips are among the requirements. Just like a freakin' rock star. I thought this guy played himself off like a man of the people, but to me he looks like a douchebag.

Peter McBride. Now, I am not one to be very critical of a person's reason for getting a tattoo. You see, I have two yellow stars inked on my right arm - one for each of the L.A. Galaxy's MLS Cup titles. However, I feel that my criticism of this guy is pretty fair. You see, he was in the tattoo parlor and the guy in front of him was wearing a polo shirt, so Peter got the Polo horse logo tattooed on his chest where it would be if he was wearing a Polo shirt. I wish it was still PC to call stupid things gay, because this would completely qualify.

Sen. George Allen: The Virginia Senator was going after one of the volunteer's for his opponent and started calling him "macaca" which is basically a racial slur (like macaque - a type of monkey) that is more common in France. Allen speaks French. D'oh! It gets better. His first excuse? Its not a real word, I just made it up. Except you speak French and your mother is French Tunisian. Excuse #2? We call him mohawk, I messed it up. Yeah, they sound alike. And he said it twice. Next? Today's excuse was that it was a combination of "mohawk" and "caca" thus calling him a shithead. Here's the reality. Allen used to keep a Confederate flag in his office - with a noose next to it, he opposed a state recognition of Martin Luther King Day, and wanted a Confederate History Month. Nice try douchebag.
(Note: a lot of this material on George Allen comes from The Carpetbagger Report. Go read, its funny.)

I guess it was going to happen sooner or later, but my Douchebag of the Week is our favorite Scientologist*, Tom Cruise. After 14 years of working together, Paramount has decided to drop Crazy Tommy from their lineup due to his off-screen behavior. What could they possibly mean? His harassment of Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants? Jumping on Oprah's couch? Talking shit too Matt Lauer? His freakishly secretive child? The "kidnapping" of Katie Holmes? I'm not sure why Paramount is so worried. Maybe its because millions of people (like me) will no longer go to any movie with Tom Cruise in it because he's a complete spaz and a total douchebag.

(* Note: to any Scientologists that read this - I love Scientology and I don't think that you're crazy so please don't send your minions after me)

Ted Stevens: In my last post I talked about the "secret hold" being placed on the bill that would create a database of federal "pork barrel" spending. I suspected that it was Ted Stevens and it turns out I was right (for once - my record was tarnished by my World Cup predictions). Why did he place the hold? According to him, he needed to do a cost-benefit analysis. The database would have cost $15 million. Stevens once helped pass spending that gave $223 million to build a bridge in Alaska joining a town of 50 to a "city" of about 8,000. I think the only analysis going on was analyzing how fucked he is going to be once people see how much pork he produces.

Bus driver: So this guy (I assume) tells the black students to go to the back of the school bus because the front is for whites. No, I'm not going back to the 50s or 60s for this winner. This happened last month in Shreveport. If you've read this blog for a while you've heard me talk about the South before, and I'll repeat it: there is nothing good about the South. Why are they still a part of our country? (If you're from the South, I'm just messing around. I love the South. So don't send a lynch mob or the Klan after me).

Our government: First, they have decided that there are no more hungry people in the U.S. Those same people now face "very low food security." I guess people with cancer are facing "low cell-growth control" and people with AIDS are fighting "low immune security". Let's face the facts. We spend a lot of money on things other than food for starving people. Only our current government would try to hide it. Second, there has been a new low set in the controversy over torture. The new argument is that when our government tortures a suspect they are then aware of a top secret piece of information. Therefore, we can use more torture to make sure that they don't talk about being tortured. In other words: they're pretty much fucked either way. How do they get away with this type of shit? Oh, right. They are in charge of their own accountability.

James Pacenza: IBM fired Jimmy for going on sex-chats while at work. Although this seems like an obvious move, its not so cut-and-dried. He is now suing IBM because he was addicted to the internet and they did nothing to help him before they fired him.

Jim Rutz: The title of his article says it all: Soy is Making Kids Gay. Seriously. He wrote that. Here is a quote from the article that really defines his brilliance/douchebagness: "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products." Again, let me clarify: he wrote that - not me.

I Wish you a Merry Douchebag

Here is a quick run-down of the Christmas-themed Douchebags. In the spirit of giving, I will make them all winners:

People like this guy: He went to Iraq for a tour of duty, then stayed for another. In that time he managed to stay healthy and uninjured. Once he got home he cut his thumb open trying to open a plastic-packed computer wire. The article talks about how difficult it is to open these plastic packages these days. Really?!? Have you ever heard of scissors? Have you ever heard of not putting your fingers or the rest of your body in the path of sharp objects like razor blades and knives. Damn, I mean cutting your finger while chopping food every once in a while is understandable, but plastic? "The week after Christmas, emergency rooms across the nation are flooded with patients injured trying to open new toys and electronics." Really.

Gingerbread Nazis: Who is the bigger douche here - the guy who makes gingerbread nazis and calls it art or the people who spend their time complaining about it?

Gay Nativity: Again, who is the bigger ass - the guys who put the gay couple dolls in the nativity or the person who called their actions a "vulgar and unacceptable double attack against both a (national) institution as well as a religious symbol"? Inappropriate? Maybe. Vulgar? I'm not so sure. This comes from the same country who had Silvio Berlusconi as prime minister and whose soccer league was so corrupt they actually booted one of its most storied teams from the top flight.

Christmas vandals: Now, I'm all about hatred of those inflatable Christmas decorations that people put on their lawns (especially in the 909), but do you really need to run into someone's yard and stab the inflatable Frosty the Snowman? Only if you've had a busy night doing crystal meth and drinking Old Milwaukee. At least they caught these douchebags on camera.

Retarded parent: Ken Mott drives a bus and has a long white beard. Naturally, being a festive old guy, Ken wears a Santa hat while driving his bus every year. This year Ken was ordered to stop wearing the hat because a parent called and complained because their kid, who does not believe in Santa, was bothered by the hat. Well, is your kid bothered by getting his ass kicked every day for the rest of his life? Because that is what is going to happen if you keep that shit up.

Happy Christmas!

(Oh, and there will be a Douchebag of the Year Award posted in the next week or two.)

There's a new sex machine in heaven

Today is a sad day. The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, died this morning from pneumonia. Everyone should have a drink and do something naughty in his honor tonight.

Right-wing desperation

This got e-mailed today to me and I thought it showed just how desperate some people on the right are willing to go to discredit Barack Obama. The article is by a conservative blogger named Debbie Schlussel. In the article she makes a few points about why she thinks we should not trust Obama:

1. His middle name, Hussein, comes from his father. His father is Muslim. In Muslim law, if your father is Muslim so are you, no matter what you say. Therefore, we can't trust him because, and I quote "once a Muslim, always a Muslim."

2. He went to a Muslim school for 2 years while living in Indonesia.

3. Obama has drawn a closer connection to his Kenyan heritage, where his father (the Muslim) is from. Although Kenya is mostly Christian, there is a growing Islamic population that has used violence against Christians. Therefore we can't trust Obama.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Douchebag of the Week - 12/19/06

Since I'm off for a few weeks I'm going to try and be more faithful to my posting duties. So I present to you the last regular Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award presented by the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan. (I do plan on having a holiday themed DBotW)

The nominees:

Rick Lisko: What do you do after running over a deer with six legs that also shows characteristics of both a male and female? Well, Rick took it to the butcher and made it into sausage.

Troy Middle School: Young Ryan Morgan found a pellet gun in the bathroom at his school. So he did what any middle-schooler would do when presented with this opportunity - he turned it in. (OK, most of them would have shot someone in the ass). His reward? Expulsion. The school board justified the decision by saying "purposeful possession of weapons is a serious offense and deserves careful consideration by the administration and the school board." Purposeful? I guess they really don't know what that means/

People living on earth: Another animal looks to be extinct - the white fin dolphin. Due to over development, fishing, and shipping. Yet one more reason not to go to China

This anonymous dumbass: What should any rational person do when they have personal property stolen? Call the police. What if that personal property was your pot stash? Yeah, calling the police would be a bad idea. I guess he didn't think about that or the rest of the weed that he had in the house that the drug dogs found.

La Vega School District: Why can't those titty-crazed 4-year-olds control themselves. Well, this one apparently could not and he was suspended for hugging an aide and rubbing his face in her chest. I'm pretty sure 4-year-olds don't know what motorboating is.

Oregon State's chapter of Alpha Gamma Rho: It was only a matter of time before a fraternity-related activity ended up here, but this one is a zinger. What do these guys do for fun on a rainy Oregon day? (Besides having sex with animals and beating eachother off). I guess they shoot bums. So a homeless guy is rooting through the dumpster in the alley next to the frat house. Their solution: shoot him. Police show up and find 22 weapons in the frat house. I think the solution here should be to leave 5 kegs of Natty Light in the house and lock them all in. After a while, the combination of stupid frat guys, cheap beer, and guns will work itself out.

Rush Limbaugh (link is now limited only to ass-clowns stupid enough to pay for Rush's website) : I really can't give Rush the victory this week for two reasons. #1: Calling him a douchebag is like shooting fat retarded drug addicted fish in a barrel. #2: The winners are way better. In any case, here is Rush's latest bit of genius: He has started calling Barack Obama "Barack Hussein Odumbo" in an attempt to simultaneously make fun of his name and his big ears. That's all he's got.

The Winners: I have two this week. One sort of political and one not really. First,the non-political

James Pacenza: IBM fired Jimmy for going on sex-chats while at work. Although this seems like an obvious move, its not so cut-and-dried. He is now suing IBM because he was addicted to the internet and they did nothing to help him before they fired him.

Jim Rutz: The title of his article says it all: Soy is Making Kids Gay. Seriously. He wrote that. Here is a quote from the article that really defines his brilliance/douchebagness: "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products." Again, let me clarify: he wrote that - not me.

So there you go. Happy 2006.

Save the Internet

I'm sure a few people have noticed the "Save the Internet" movement set roots over the last year. However, if you have not, you need to watch this video and visit their website.



Personally, I think that if these companies actually passed legislation creating an elite version of the internet it could be considered the most un-Democratic anti-free speech move since China started blocking parts of the web that went against their government.

I wonder what Newt Gingrich thinks about this.

Is it too early to start this?

Dusting off the old douchebag

Its been a long time, but there are just soooo many idiots in the news these days that I have to get back on (or off?) the wagon. Some of these are a little dated, but remain relevant.

Nominees:

Loma Linda (Colorado) Homeowners Association: The last time I checked, there was something in this country called free speech. Lisa Jensen put up a Christmas wreath in the shape of a peace sign. The homeowners association is going to fine her $25/day until she takes it down. Why? They say that the peace symbol is Satanic and/or against the war. Update: they backed down.

Pretty much everyone involved in the Michael Richards thing: He's obviously a douche for what he said, but so are the two guys he was yelling at. Now they're going after him in a lawsuit? If they were that offended by racial slurs, why did they call him a "cracker ass cracker"? Only Gloria "I'll do anything for money and attention" Allred would be part of this mess.

Cindy Streit: You may not recognize the name, but she's the lady suing the producers of Borat because she was offended. The thing is, people laughed at her in the movie, but she would not have made the list had she not sued. Who is representing her? Gloria Allred. Does she really perform any important function in our society?

Gylene Heppe: She is the principal at an elementary school in Massachusetts. The new rule she created for the school? No tag. Why not? They say kids run into each other causing injuries. Well, no shit - that's half the fun. When did kids become such big pussies? I expected at least one of my friends to get hurt during each recess. We played dodgeball, tag, T.V. tag, etc. knowing full well the risks. It makes me wonder if butts-up is banned too. We played a few times with a baseball. My dad played with a golf ball. Maybe we should just put kids in little bubbles until they are 18.

Charles Ruoff: OK, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get some shit for this since it is kind of sad, but you'll see why. Mr. Ruoff had not been seen for a few days, so police went to check on him after neighbors called. Upon entering the house, they found that the first floor, which was cluttered with garbage, broken furniture, cardboard, etc. had mostly fallen into the basement. The stairs going to the second floor had fallen apart, but "makeshift steps" were put up to give access to the top story. Officers found Mr. Ruoff alive upstairs, buried in trash that included bags of feces and jars of urine. Now, I feel sorry for the old guy, but who stores their excrement? Nasty.

This lady: A plane traveling from D.C. to Dallas had to make an emergency landing after passengers noticed the smell of lit matches. After taking all of the passengers and crew off and going through an extra security check they found the culprit. She lit the matches to cover up her nasty farts.

Newt Gingrich: Newty came in a close second only because he said something stupid while the winners did (and are doing) something stupid. In a speech last week, Gingrich suggested that we would need "need a different set of rules" about free speech when going after terrorists. Essentially, he wants to place tighter regulations on the internet and stop people from talking about terrorism. Where did he give this speech? At a ceremony honoring people that have fought to protect free speech. Classy.

The winner:

Our government: First, they have decided that there are no more hungry people in the U.S. Those same people now face "very low food security." I guess people with cancer are facing "low cell-growth control" and people with AIDS are fighting "low immune security". Let's face the facts. We spend a lot of money on things other than food for starving people. Only our current government would try to hide it. Second, there has been a new low set in the controversy over torture. The new argument is that when our government tortures a suspect they are then aware of a top secret piece of information. Therefore, we can use more torture to make sure that they don't talk about being tortured. In other words: they're pretty much fucked either way. How do they get away with this type of shit? Oh, right. They are in charge of their own accountability.

Move over Hillary...

I wonder if they would run as Democrats or Republicans?