Douchebag of the Week - 12/19/06

Since I'm off for a few weeks I'm going to try and be more faithful to my posting duties. So I present to you the last regular Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award presented by the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan. (I do plan on having a holiday themed DBotW)

The nominees:

Rick Lisko: What do you do after running over a deer with six legs that also shows characteristics of both a male and female? Well, Rick took it to the butcher and made it into sausage.

Troy Middle School: Young Ryan Morgan found a pellet gun in the bathroom at his school. So he did what any middle-schooler would do when presented with this opportunity - he turned it in. (OK, most of them would have shot someone in the ass). His reward? Expulsion. The school board justified the decision by saying "purposeful possession of weapons is a serious offense and deserves careful consideration by the administration and the school board." Purposeful? I guess they really don't know what that means/

People living on earth: Another animal looks to be extinct - the white fin dolphin. Due to over development, fishing, and shipping. Yet one more reason not to go to China

This anonymous dumbass: What should any rational person do when they have personal property stolen? Call the police. What if that personal property was your pot stash? Yeah, calling the police would be a bad idea. I guess he didn't think about that or the rest of the weed that he had in the house that the drug dogs found.

La Vega School District: Why can't those titty-crazed 4-year-olds control themselves. Well, this one apparently could not and he was suspended for hugging an aide and rubbing his face in her chest. I'm pretty sure 4-year-olds don't know what motorboating is.

Oregon State's chapter of Alpha Gamma Rho: It was only a matter of time before a fraternity-related activity ended up here, but this one is a zinger. What do these guys do for fun on a rainy Oregon day? (Besides having sex with animals and beating eachother off). I guess they shoot bums. So a homeless guy is rooting through the dumpster in the alley next to the frat house. Their solution: shoot him. Police show up and find 22 weapons in the frat house. I think the solution here should be to leave 5 kegs of Natty Light in the house and lock them all in. After a while, the combination of stupid frat guys, cheap beer, and guns will work itself out.

Rush Limbaugh (link is now limited only to ass-clowns stupid enough to pay for Rush's website) : I really can't give Rush the victory this week for two reasons. #1: Calling him a douchebag is like shooting fat retarded drug addicted fish in a barrel. #2: The winners are way better. In any case, here is Rush's latest bit of genius: He has started calling Barack Obama "Barack Hussein Odumbo" in an attempt to simultaneously make fun of his name and his big ears. That's all he's got.

The Winners: I have two this week. One sort of political and one not really. First,the non-political

James Pacenza: IBM fired Jimmy for going on sex-chats while at work. Although this seems like an obvious move, its not so cut-and-dried. He is now suing IBM because he was addicted to the internet and they did nothing to help him before they fired him.

Jim Rutz: The title of his article says it all: Soy is Making Kids Gay. Seriously. He wrote that. Here is a quote from the article that really defines his brilliance/douchebagness: "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products." Again, let me clarify: he wrote that - not me.

So there you go. Happy 2006.