Three times in the last few days my eyes were assaulted by visions that no man should be confronted with.
First, my brother sent me a picture/text message with the title "Want to see what it looks like when a baby poops for the first time in 4 days?" and a picture of the world's largest pile of shit.
Then, I came across a homeless guy in front of a coffee shop in downtown L.A. as I walked from a train station to the place where I had a two-day conference on "Shared Inquiry". After asking me to buy him coffee and food he showed me the sores on his legs that came from sleeping in some god-knows-where filthy place.
Finally, as if I needed to see more, I walked in on two guys having sex in a bathroom in a Carl's Jr. I went into the Macy's Plaza as I was walking back to the train station after the meeting so I could take a leak. Carl's Jr. (which sold beer by the way) was the closest bathroom so I went to use it, but it had one of those coin deals so only customers could use it. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately in my case) it was actually open. It seemed weird when I walked in because there seemed to be more than one set of feet in the stall. I couldn't hear anything because I was listening to my iPod. I stepped to the urinal, took a leak and began to leave, but I heard weird sounds. I turned, and not only could I clearly see two sets of feet facing the same direction, but through the crack in the door I could see a guy's face at waist level (since he was bending over) and he was clearly grimacing as if...well, you get the point. I turned and got out of there as quick as possible.
Who knew that Carl's Jr. brought that kind of romance?
Have you ever wanted to ask someone why they did something stupid? I feel like most of the time that question goes unanswered purely for the sake of being tactful. I say fuck that. Here are some questions I would like to ask people for honest answers to:
William H. Macy - you are a great actor, why the fuck did you agree to be in Wild Hogs? Samuel L. Jackson - Were you fucking high when you agreed to be in "The Man"? George Lucas - JarJar Binks? C'mon. Who has pictures of you blowing a goat that could blackmail you into that decision? John Kerry: I know that you're kind of a tool, but why did you have to be such a pussy and back down from those SwiftBoat guys? Shit, why did you even go with the Vietnam war hero bit in the first place? Zach DeLaRocha: Was Rage not popular enough for you? Why'd you break the band up?
That's just a few that were brewing in my head today.
I frequently complain about how quickly stores turn to their Christmas decorations, but I also think that once Thanksgiving is gone then its all fair game. So I was thinking about the lame-ass Christmas presents that I have received over the years and want to pass along some info to gift buyers before they make the same mistakes that many well-intentioned gift givers made in buying me gifts. I will also give you alternative ideas similar to the bad one. Please don't give me the "its the thought that counts you greedy bastard" argument because I am simply looking out for the gift giver so you don't look like a douche on Christmas Day.
1. Beers of the World Gift Pack: I know what people are thinking when they buy this for a guy they know. "They like beer and this has all kinds of unique beers from all over the world. Here's the thing about the beers that come in these packs. #1: They usually aren't that unique. #2 They are in that pack because they are not good enough to stand on their own. #3 There is ALWAYS one beer in that pack that is completely nasty. ALTERNATIVE: Find out what their favorite beer is and get them a 6-pack or case of that. Even better, go to your local BevMo and pick out some beers on your own that you think look interesting. My brother did this for me a few years ago and I drank every one of them and enjoyed them.
2. Clothes: Guys buy their own clothes and don't want to be told that they buy crappy or ugly clothes. So don't think that buying them a few nice things will make them happy. EXCEPTIONS: anything sports related - like the jersey of their favorite team. You may also get away with buying a funny t-shirt like this one. ALTERNATIVE: if you really want to buy clothes get them something useful like a hoodie, jacket, or sports-related item.
3. Dance lessons: I don't think I have to explain this, but if the guy doesn't like to dance then he probably doesn't want dance lessons. Most of you know why I am saying this.
4. That thing that you think will help him be a better person: OK, so this goes back to the dance lessons gift that I got one year, but it serves well as its own category. I know someone (can't remember who) that got a book from an aunt or something about how to find the perfect job. At the time he was always moving from shitty job to shitty job. What did this gift accomplish? It reminded him, on Christmas Day, that his life was going nowhere. ALTERNATIVE: a bottle of gin because that will make him a better person and he can enjoy it.
5. Something that you think he will find useful: Chances are, if a guy needs something useful - like a buck knife, maglite, etc. - he probably already has it. ALTERNATIVE: Tools or gift card to buy tools. Guys always need tools.
The fact of the matter is guys are easy to buy gifts for. We like booze, action movies, adult cartoons (Family Guy, Simpsons, Aqua Teen), tools, ninjas, and things used to blow stuff up with.
OK, there's no such thing as Turkey wine, but I want to (belatedly) make some Thanksgiving wine suggestions. However, let me state up front that the best wine to serve on Thanksgiving is the one that you like and can afford.
First, in the world of whites I would go towards reisling. Reisling is the grape that everyone loves, but nobody buys. Generally, for me, the dry reislings are the way to go with Turkey dinner. Last year I brought a bottle of Eroica (note: not Erotica). My mother-in-law doesn't like white wine too much but loved the stuff. Eroica is a combined effort from Washington mass-producer Chateau Ste. Michelle and German reisling demi-God Dr. Loosen. Its been a staple reisling for me for 3 years or so, but the price keeps going up - now about $20-24 per bottle. However, it is readily available in all grocery stores. Hogue makes a cheaper ($6-8) reisling that is less complex, but would work better on a budget. Both of these are sweeter. Since nobody buys reisling you can get some top-notch German stuff for cheap. Look for the word "Kabinet" on the label. Its the easiest name of dry reisling to remember. If you like sweeter, look for "spotlese" (pronounced shpot-lay-suh).
Red. Look, everyone says to drink Beaujolais Nouveau with Thanksgiving. Its OK. But the best-known brand (whose name I forget, but it comes in a super-colorful bottle) is not that good. This is one time where you can justify buying Pinot Noir (which has been overpriced since Sideways). Go with Oregon if you are going with Pinot Noir. On the other hand, I will be bringing a zinfandel with me to the Kimball household on Thanksgiving. I like the more bold flavor of zinfandel, but its spiciness can go well with the sides.
In the middle you could also go with a dry Rose. Its hard to tell what is dry and what is sweet unless it says so specifically on the label so your best luck is to hit the wine shop.
After dinner? I say go with Pimm's Cup. Kind of herbal, kind of sweet. 1 part Pimm's with 2 parts ginger ale or Sprite.
This is an issue that I think I have brought up before, but since it has been in the news a lot lately I want to say more. The U.S. has a new Attorney General, Michall Mukasey, who was approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Senate as a whole despite his dodging the question about the U.S. using torture. Several Democrats, including California Senator Dianne Feinstein, voted in his favor.
First, why did he dodge the question? Simply put, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he had answered that waterboarding was not torture, then he would likely not have been approved because he allowed torture. If he said that it was torture then he would have essentially been convicting the administration of torturing. So what did he answer? He said he did not know what waterboarding really was. Really? Really?!?!? I am a high school social studies teacher and I know what waterboarding is. He was a federal judge.
OK, so you may not really know what waterboarding is. I could explain my view of how it works, but I think this video may be better. In the video, Kaj Larsen - a former Navy Seal - agrees to go through a waterboarding demonstration. Now, this video is actually the second time this was done to him, the first time being part of his training. The video is about 10 minutes in its entirety and is sometimes split into two screens with one screen being the demo and the other interviews. Just a little warning. Its not really a pleasant thing to watch. There is nothing gory or bloody, but the people doing the demonstration are not being friendly with him.
Having seen that, here is my view on the issue of waterboarding specifically and torture in general. Waterboarding is torture. We will likely never get valuable information from torture that we could not get from other means of intelligence. We do not want the U.S. to be known worldwide as a country that tortures people.
First, I feel that the U.S. should not torture anybody for any reason. Waterboarding is, without a doubt, torture. If the video did not convince you of this, maybe this article will (check out the video as well). Daniel Levin, who at the time was acting Assistant Attorney General, volunteered to go through waterboarding to really see what it was like. His conclusion? Its torture. He said that even though he knew that no harm would come his way and that these were essentially his colleagues that he was very distressed. The result of his report? He was fired.
What could we possibly gain from using torture? At a Republican debate in May, the moderator proposed a hypothetical situation: there were several suicide attacks on U.S. cities and then some terrorists were captured off the coast of Florida who knew where further attacks would take place. He asked each candidate how aggressively they would interrogate. (In other words, would you torture?) This is the hypothetical situation that many in favor of using torture will turn to for their argument - we have to protect ourselves against terrorism at all costs. John McCain answered that hypothetical exactly as I would want a President to answer. "I, as the president of the United States, would take that responsibility... We could never gain as much from that torture as we lose in world opinion."
How is torture really considered an effective means of intelligence gathering? The hypothetical situation above is just that - hypothetical. It has not happened before and it will not likely happen ever. People, this is reality - not 24. The chances of that happening are probably the same as Jack Bauer jumping out of the TV to save us. If, by that point, we have not discovered the secret plans of the terrorists then we aren't going to figure it out by torturing them. In the CurrentTV video, Kaj says that, even knowing that it was a controlled situation and that he was in no danger, he would have said anything to get them to stop. I think this is what McCain was trying to say - what a torture victim says it not necessarily the truth. They are saying what you want to hear in order to get you to stop. For Christ's sake, in less than 30 seconds I can have a picture of my apartment taken from a satellite in outer space on my screen. We have that technology and we can't figure out terrorists without wiretapping our own citizens and torturing people? You've got to be kidding.
Finally, at some point we need to think about what our standing in the world is. Do we really want to be considered a country that violates human rights? I hope the answer is no. We are already hated all over the world for our policies - and rightfully so in my view. However, we could do a lot to improve that. Even facing dangers such as terrorism, we should take the moral high ground. This may take a great deal of sacrifice on our behalf, but what is ever worth getting without some sacrifice? We lost just over 2,700 on 9-11. We are approaching 4,000 dead in the war in Iraq. We are already making that sacrifice with nothing in return but the continuing death of our troops and the people of Iraq, the loss of credibility in the world, and over $400 billion of our dollars wasted at a time when they are losing value. Also consider this. Former Navy Seal instructor Malcolm Nance testified before Congress that, not only is waterboarding torture, but that if we subject our prisoners to torture we can be assured that our troops that are captured will find the same fate. Makes sense. If we say that it is OK to torture then we are saying that it is OK to torture our people as well.
I know that this is a long post and I thank you if you made it this far. If this issue bothers you as much as it bothers me then I hope you can write to your representatives (especially Feinstein) and make it clear to them that your vote depends on their decision to make human rights a priority again for the United States.
There are a few things that I have bought in the last couple of months that I think people should know about and consider buying for their own use. Its mostly food.
Trader Joe's Thai Noodle Salad: comes with a spicy peanut sauce - so mother f'ing good. Trader Joe's Flatiron steaks: lean and flavorful Yoplait Light Key Lime Yogurt then add some walnuts Trader Joe's marinated mahi mahi: meaty and flavorful Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc Saucony running shoes - I'm on my 3rd pair. Comfortable, supportive, long-lasting Charmin wipes: OK, I know I'm going to get some shit for this, but they are awesome. They basically replace toilet paper. I first heard about them on SModcast and had their quality later verified by a reliable source. My ass has never been cleaner. Edit: SModcast is Kevin Smith's podcast. The same Kevin Smith that wrote and directed Clerks, Mallrats, etc. He uses the wipes. Is he gay? Hell no. Barkeeper's Friend: cleans the hell out of stuff unnamed stem cleaner: little brush for cleaning wine glasses (a.k.a. stems) that is made of a very unabsorbant foam so it doesn't load up on bacteris like sponges. Got mine at Sur Le Table.
1. I hate it when people say that you get an extra hour of sleep after daylight savings time. Not me. Now, instead of waking up at 5:30 I wake up at 4:30 and can't go back to sleep. Plus, I'm going to get really tired at like 8:30 tonight.
2. Dan in Real Life is a real piece of crap movie. Amanda says that it is almost exactly like The Family Stone, which I have never seen because its a chick movie. Pete says that he saw it.
3. Despite criticism from many people all over the internet I still think Transformers the movie was awesome. Sure, they didn't need the love story. However, that chick is pretty hot so I went with it. The action and effects were what I was looking for and I got them. Plus, I love the voice of Optimus Prime and liked his little speech at the end. It brought me back to my childhood.
4. SModcast. Check it out. Seriously.
5. Check out Barack Obama on Ellen. I thought it was pretty funny. I can see him as president. A real person that doesn't answer his cell phone in the middle of press conferences or talk about 9/11 every 3 seconds. **cough***Giuliani***cough***douchebag***
6. How early is too early for Christmas decorations in public? Now is too early. I don't blame stores for selling the decorations this early. Some people need to plan their decorating schemes early. However, why are stores and other places skipping over the majority of fall? I think fall colors are the best colors (hence the fall colors at our wedding in July).
7. Rubio's is good. And they sell beer for $2.
8. Lost Coast Tangerine Wheat. Very tasty beer. It would have been good for the summer. Still good for the fall/winter.
9. Colts vs. Patriots today. I may just care about the NFL for a day.
I am a high school teacher that takes his job seriously. I speak 2 1/2 languages. I am a registered member of the Green Party although I am theoretically opposed to the idea of political parties. I vote in every election and actually research every candidate as well as read the full text of every proposed bill. I like to mix ground beef with Macaroni N' Cheese to make a meal that I call "Poor Man's Hamburger Helper". I spend a good part of my life watching soccer (at Home Depot Center, at a pub, or at home). I drink wine and read books. I like to start sentences with "I".
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