What not to buy a guy for Christmas

I frequently complain about how quickly stores turn to their Christmas decorations, but I also think that once Thanksgiving is gone then its all fair game. So I was thinking about the lame-ass Christmas presents that I have received over the years and want to pass along some info to gift buyers before they make the same mistakes that many well-intentioned gift givers made in buying me gifts. I will also give you alternative ideas similar to the bad one. Please don't give me the "its the thought that counts you greedy bastard" argument because I am simply looking out for the gift giver so you don't look like a douche on Christmas Day.

1. Beers of the World Gift Pack: I know what people are thinking when they buy this for a guy they know. "They like beer and this has all kinds of unique beers from all over the world. Here's the thing about the beers that come in these packs. #1: They usually aren't that unique. #2 They are in that pack because they are not good enough to stand on their own. #3 There is ALWAYS one beer in that pack that is completely nasty. ALTERNATIVE: Find out what their favorite beer is and get them a 6-pack or case of that. Even better, go to your local BevMo and pick out some beers on your own that you think look interesting. My brother did this for me a few years ago and I drank every one of them and enjoyed them.

2. Clothes: Guys buy their own clothes and don't want to be told that they buy crappy or ugly clothes. So don't think that buying them a few nice things will make them happy. EXCEPTIONS: anything sports related - like the jersey of their favorite team. You may also get away with buying a funny t-shirt like this one. ALTERNATIVE: if you really want to buy clothes get them something useful like a hoodie, jacket, or sports-related item.

3. Dance lessons: I don't think I have to explain this, but if the guy doesn't like to dance then he probably doesn't want dance lessons. Most of you know why I am saying this.

4. That thing that you think will help him be a better person: OK, so this goes back to the dance lessons gift that I got one year, but it serves well as its own category. I know someone (can't remember who) that got a book from an aunt or something about how to find the perfect job. At the time he was always moving from shitty job to shitty job. What did this gift accomplish? It reminded him, on Christmas Day, that his life was going nowhere.
ALTERNATIVE: a bottle of gin because that will make him a better person and he can enjoy it.

5. Something that you think he will find useful: Chances are, if a guy needs something useful - like a buck knife, maglite, etc. - he probably already has it. ALTERNATIVE: Tools or gift card to buy tools. Guys always need tools.

The fact of the matter is guys are easy to buy gifts for. We like booze, action movies, adult cartoons (Family Guy, Simpsons, Aqua Teen), tools, ninjas, and things used to blow stuff up with.