Douchebag of the Week 2/17/06

So many worthy candidates and so little time. What do I do with all these douchebags?

First, an honorary nominee:

My Dad: He's not really a douchebag, but I thought this would be a good birthday present. Saturday is the anniversary of that momentous day when my wise old dad was born. He's a reasonably good father, although he still blames me for drinking one of his Coronas when I was in high school. What I will admit to is that I regularly drank a beer or two on weekends when I came back from college, but all he had was Michelob and I think I did him a favor by emptying the fridge.

Now, the real nominees:

Dick Cheney: Yeah, I went there. But how can I let the fact that our vice-president shot someone go unheralded? (although it was an accident during a quail hunt) I'm not a big hunter myself, so I don't know what "birdshot" is, but I am sure that I don't want it projected into my face and torso.

Scott McClellan: Based on the same incident, I nominated the White House press secretary for his response to the criticism that the White House took to long to make the news public. His response? "It's important, always, to work to make sure you get information out like this as quickly as possible," McClellan said. "But it's also important to make sure that the first priority is focused where it should be, and that is making sure that Mr. Whittington has the care that he needs." Really? You were personally making sure that he got to the hospital? What an ass. This guy is to honest as William "The Refrigerator" Perry is to skinny. The better answer? "Does knowing about this accident matter to anybody besides the VP, the guy who got shot, and the families of those involved? You see, my job is to lie to you about important things, not to let you know when Dick Cheney takes an especially smelly shit, which is about once an hour. Next question."

Frank Miller: Nerdy Pete at Rat Race probably knows who this is, but Frank Miller writes the Batman comic books. Why is he such a douchebag? Well, he says that Batman's next foe will be none other than... Osama Bin Laden. I don't really know what to say about this except that it sounds lame as hell.

The people that gave Johnny Weir a hard time: This is the only time that I will defend somebody who participates in an activity that people call a sport, although it really is not (an argument that I will take up in another post). He was at practice for the Olympics wearing an old Soviet Union warm-up jacket. It was red with the letters "CCCP" across the front and his name in Russian on the sleeve. Why are people pissed about this? He's an American. Why are those people stupid for being pissed? Because they need to realize two things: #1- The Soviet Union no longer exists so he isn't wearing the uniform of a competitor, and #2- it was a gift from a friend of his who is a Russian skater.

Zeljko Tupic: Inflicted by the same problem as many men (but none on the EToWJB staff) this guy tried a homemade solution to his erectile disfunction. He jammed a pencil in his dick. Well, it was working until it shifted and got stuck in his bladder. I think I speak for all guys when I say AAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGGOOOOOOOOONOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And the winner...

Vanessa Jackson: (nominated by Pete at Life Outside the Rat Race). What is the definition of a bad parent? How about feeding your kids from the same bowl everyday, only feeding them water on some nights, not feeding them at all on other nights, or beating them with shoes when they try to get food. Maybe you force them to sit on the stairs all day, then keep them awake at all hours, also forcing them to stay in bed until after noon. Then you don't let them outside. Don't take them to a doctor despite the fact that the kids are grossly malnourished. All of this while your other kids live normal lives. This is exactly what Vanessa Jackson and her now dead husband did to four of the foster children they had. Jackson, along with her biological children, deny that these stories are true, but the skinny-ass kids they found digging in the garbage say otherwise. I almost feel bad putting this lady in the same category with the other douchebags.