Douchebag of the Week - May 31, 2006

I'm trying to be more consistent with this, so I have been extra harsh on the EToWJB (aka the monkeys on typewriters) in trying to get this week's installment taken care of. Although I have posted maybe 20 different Douchebag of the Week winners, it still surprises me how easy it is to find idiotic people.

Here's your nominees:

Olga Rutterschmidt and Helen Golay: So how f'ed up do you have to be to intentionally run over two homeless men with your car? I would say 7 out of a fucked-up level of 10. To make it an 8, you would need to be doing it as part of an insurance fraud scheme. To make it a 9, you would need to be a couple of crazy-ass old ladies. These two, however, bring it to a 10 out of 10 with their complete retardedness. Not only did they meet the requirements of levels 7-9 on the fucked up scale, but they also bring in a history of 40+ lawsuits over the last 20 years. Like suing a grocery store for empty boxes falling on you. Or suing a coffee shop because another customer tried to tazer you. Since these scams didn't work, these two nasty looking old bitches went to volunteer at an L.A. area homeless shelter, got a couple of the homeless guys some life insurance, then ran the homeless guys over.


Robert and Versie Jackson: Its one thing to dislike your family. Its another thing to try to hire a hitman to kill them. But its another thing to only offer the hitman $100. That's exactly what these two wonderful people did. Unfortunately for them, although very fortunate for their grandkids, daughter-in-law, and the family dog (really), they were making the offer to an undercover cop. Why would they do this. Well, their son is going to be put on trial for molestation and he set up the meeting from jail in an attempt to eliminate the evidence against him. You know, there are some people that really belong in jail and really don't need to get out.


Madonna: Do you think that in a huge arena with thousands of people needs a little air conditioning? So do I. However, Madonna somehow feels that the A/C could still have a negative effect on her voice in a room that size. So she ordered the MGM to turn off the air. "Jeff, do you mean the MGM in Las 'hotter than hell' Vegas?" Yes I do. I'm sorry, isn't Madonna worrying about the quality of her voice like Jessica Simpson worrying about the quality of her songwriting?


Madonna again: This time she gets mad at a guy not dancing at her show. Who is this guy? He was probably dragged along to the show by his wife who was into Madonna when she was a teen. Plus, if you don't want people to stand around bored as hell at your show - stop sucking.


And the "winner" is...

Anybody who buys this video game: Are you familiar with the "Left Behind" series of books? If not, it is a long-running series of books written at the 5th grade level telling an completely unrealistic story of the biblical end-of-the-world. The authors are taking in cash hand over fist while uneducated tremble in fear that they are not going to disappear when Jesus comes back and be "left behind." In any case, they are now making a video game. Not just any video game, but a violent video game. Yes, very Christian of you. According to the description, players will be armed for a military-style crusade to "convert people" by blasting them to pieces. I'm hoping that they go really biblical and have crucifixions, people skinned alive, turn people into salt, feed them to the lions, etc. However, they are probably not that creative.