Jesus Christ that's a good stout!

Many years ago, probably while under the influence of many pints, I came up with an idea for a bar. At the time, I was living in Redlands. A group of people from one of the many non-denominational churches in town had leased space in a building that was previously used by an unsuccessful bar. (Side note: the owner told me that he had bought the bar itself from a Red Lobster that wasn't doing well, which I think is a bad omen.) In any case, these church people used the space to open a Christian coffee shop, called "The Upper Room", complete with drinks like "Sabbath Sunrise" and a "Moses Mocha." They kept all of the furniture and pool tables from the bar, so there was some pretty loungy stuff in there. (Side Note again: Isn't pool a tool of the devil according to some? Like in Music Man - "Oh, we've got trouble. With a capital T that rhymes with P and that stands for pool") I actually went there one time with the intention of grading papers, which was easy to do at this place since it was pretty much empty all of the time.

Oh yeah, my idea. So my idea was to create a Christian bar. As my buddy Andrew and I drank too many overpriced pints in what we now call the Wanker Pub, we came up with names of the beers that we would brew and serve on site:

Pontious Porter - "It'll send you to the cross"
You're going to Ale (like you're going to hell)
Jesus Christ! that's a good Stout
Lazarus Lager - "Brings back the dead"
St. Peter Pils

Last night, also over a few pints, Amanda decided we could serve Harp and Guinness, although she said that we should call it "Guinnessing a song to the Lord" (like Gonna sing...).

I'm trying to think of more.

And I'm sure this would offend nobody.

Goal of the year - sort of

Maybe the greatest and yet worst goal I have ever seen. I really couldn't believe it when I heard about it



In case you missed it, the player took a shot that went into the side of the net - not a goal. The ball boy walks over, kicks it in, and the ref counts the goal. From what I hear, the assistant on the sideline called it in. Only in Brazil.

No nominees...just a douchebag

I'm not breaking any news by talking about the tragic death of Steve "The Croc Hunter" Irwin, but I am disgusted at the comments made by perennial assholes PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). In their statement they call him a "cheap reality star" and that his death was "no shock at all". I can sort of agree on the second point, but this guy did a lot to educate people about dangerous animals and to give those animals some respect. To say that his career was based on harassing animals is complete bullshit. To say that after an accidental death is even worse. In PETA's honor I will dine on the flesh of an animal tonight.

Douchebag of the Week - 9/3/06

After dropping mad douchebags for a couple of days, I took a break for no particular reason. The douchebags are back, and although some of them are a little old, they are all very douchy.

First, the nominees:

All of us: For paying attention to the 927 million hours of news about the guy that admitted to killing JonBenet Ramsey only to find out that he didn't do it. We suck. (By the way, I am excluded from this nomination because I gave this story no more than 10 minutes of my life).

Americans: So this guy was forced to change his shirt before boarding a JetBlue flight from New York to California because it said "we will not be silent" in English and Arab. Here's a new word for these people: xenophobia. Look it up. It pairs well with "Islamofascist". Click here to read his story.

Nerdy Korean guy: In one of those "he probably needed to die" cases, this unnamed nerd collapsed and died while playing video games - after only 50 straight hours. I don't think there is anything I can do for 50 straight hours except breathe.

Anyone who buys this. No explanation needed really.

Virgin Atlantic Airlines: I went to Italy during college. The 9-hour flight killed me. Although on the way back I drank a bunch of shitty Japanese beer so I wasn't so bothered. These people were on the plane for 7 hours and never actually left the airport. Somehow they were able to get police on board the plane to prevent passengers from rioting, but couldn't get the passengers off of the plane. This was not a case of terrorism either. They basically had to wait for all of the passengers to board, then for a repair, then a spare part, then they spotted a bad tire, and finally aborted the flight after the first passengers had been on the plane for 8 hours. No food, and only 2 drink services. Note to self: don't fly Virgin Atlantic.

Madin Azad Amin: Amin told airline security that the strange-looking device in his bag was a bomb when it wasn't. Why? His mother was next to him and it was actually a penis pump. D'oh.

Alexandria Carasia: So this old lady gets mad at the neighbors because she says that their cat is using her yard as a litterbox. The neighbors end up sending their cat to family because of the problem. Although its a pretty dick move, its not enough to earn douchebag nominee status. Maybe you're thinking she tracked down the cat and cooked it or beheaded it and threw the head in their yard, but its WAY better than that. The neighbor kid, while holding his dog in his own front yard, meowed when she walked by. So the old bat called the police and the kid was charged with misdemeanor harassment. C'mon, she deserved it.

Joseph Biden: In the earliest attempts at getting a presidential nomination, Biden wanted to be "South-friendly." So he bragged that his state, Delaware, was actually a slave state. Don't believe me? Watch the video in the link.

American Family Association: These guys should be part of the name of this award since they have won it before and will likely compete with Pat Robertson for the number of victories. Their latest "call to action" is against CBS for airing a 9/11 documentary that contains swearing. Why does it have this profanity? Because it uses the same language that was used by the firefighters in the towers as they were trying to save people - a little something called historical integrity. I'm not sure what American families are part of this association, but its not mine and they are probably all shitty families.

And the winners (that's right, I could not decide between these two - you'll see why):

Ted Stevens: In my last post I talked about the "secret hold" being placed on the bill that would create a database of federal "pork barrel" spending. I suspected that it was Ted Stevens and it turns out I was right (for once - my record was tarnished by my World Cup predictions). Why did he place the hold? According to him, he needed to do a cost-benefit analysis. The database would have cost $15 million. Stevens once helped pass spending that gave $223 million to build a bridge in Alaska joining a town of 50 to a "city" of about 8,000. I think the only analysis going on was analyzing how fucked he is going to be once people see how much pork he produces.

Bus driver: So this guy (I assume) tells the black students to go to the back of the school bus because the front is for whites. No, I'm not going back to the 50s or 60s for this winner. This happened last month in Shreveport. If you've read this blog for a while you've heard me talk about the South before, and I'll repeat it: there is nothing good about the South. Why are they still a part of our country? (If you're from the South, I'm just messing around. I love the South. So don't send a lynch mob or the Klan after me).

Somebody's busted

This is maybe the greatest story that I have ever heard about a politician getting caught being sneaky.

There is a bill that is currently making its way through the halls of Congress (S.2590) that would create an online publicly searchable database of government spending on things like contracts, grants, insurance, loans, etc. The purpose is to make the government more accountable to its spending. Sound pretty good right? Well, there are many people in the Senate that support this bill, including rightist wacko Bill Frist and leftist wacko Hillary Clinton. In fact, it went quickly through committee (a step where most bills die - see SchoolHouse Rock's "How a Bill becomes a law) and was poised to pass the Senate overwhelmingly - until a Senator put a "secret hold" on the bill. What is a secret hold? Its where a member secretly tells his party leader that he wants the bill held, in this case just before the Senate goes on break. How do you stop a secret hold? Only the person that ordered the hold can do that? (Yes, I know how sneaky that sounds).

Here's the part that I love. Some bloggers got together and started a campaign to find out who the "secret" person is. They simply told their readers to call their Senators and ask them if they put the hold on S.2590. The most up-to-date list that I saw is at TPMmuckraker. Through their efforts and the efforts of readers from Porkbusters.org, GOPProgress, and other sites, the list has been narrowed to six: Robert Byrd (D-W. Virginia), Mike Crapo (R- Indiana) who refused to answer, Judd Gregg (R- New Hamp.), Orrin Hatch (R- Utah), Ted Stevens (R - Alaska), and Robert Bennett (R - Utah) who I guess had a staffer sort of deny. My money is on Ted Stevens because he is a sneaky bastard or Mike Crapo because he won't answer. I think that it is also possible that one of the Senators that denied being the "secret holder" is lying. Either way, someone is an asshole and I would think has guaranteed a loss in the next election.

Yeah for blogging.

A new favorite website

Now, there is a chance that I have mentioned this before, but I am mentioning it again because they recently updated their site. There is a theater group in New York called "Improv Everywhere" that carries out these huge pranks and films them. In their most recent prank, they get more than 200 volunteers to go into a Home Depot and shop in slow motion for 5 minutes, then regular for 5 minutes, then they all freeze for 5 minutes. Its kind of funny, but not the best work. My favorite so far is their Best Buy prank:



Maybe I'm mostly entertained with how angry the manager at the Best Buy gets, but I was rolling. Go to their website to see more footage.

Douchebag of the Week - My birthday edition

Today, I mark the 29th anniversary of the day my mother missed her soap operas to give birth to me and my brother (5 minutes later). Here are some other people that also celebrate August 23rd as their birthday: L.A. Laker Kobe Bryant turns 28, River Phoenix would be 36 but he's dead, "Actress" Shelley Long and "Musician" Rick Springfield are both 57. "The Who" drummer Keith Moon would be 60, but he only made it to 32. Gene Kelly would be 94, but instead he's singin' in the grave. "Revolutionary" French King Louis XVI was born on this day in 1754. Mets first baseman and the oldest player in baseball Julio Franco turns 48 today and is still playing somehow. Ray "Darth Maul" Park celebrates #32 today.

You want to know what major events in history happened on my birthday? Well, I think I can oblige! Do you remember that scene from Braveheart where they torture and kill William Wallace? That happened on August 23rd 1305. In 1821, Mexico declared its independence from Spain. Rudolph Valentino died in 1926, which I think was a mysterious death or something. In 1927, Italian anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti were executed, although some argue that they were innocent and only executed because they were Italian anarchists. In 1939, the Germans and Russians signed a non-aggression pact that would last for decades (or maybe just a couple of years).

On to the douchebags...

Today's nominees that did not win:

Kaleb Spangler: Who would think that alcohol and fireworks would be a bad combination?!? Well, Mr. Spangler did not think about it when he taped a mortar-style firework to an old football helmet and put it on his head to launch it. Result: Severe burns, cuts and a concussion.

These "peaceful" monks: I guess one group of monks were in the middle of giving speeches in their peace demonstration when another group of monks came on stage to interrupt them. Basically, the monks starting fighting with eachother over their peace demonstration.

Kristy Grant: Now, there are people that have a lot of cats, then there are people that have a lot of cats. Kristy is one of the latter - she has 168 cats. And the local City Council has ruled that she must get rid of them after neighbors complained about the cats attacking squirrels and eating birds. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Kristy is a single lady - possibly missing many teeth.

Snakes in a mother fucking theater: I guess some very intelligent person decided that it would be a good idea to release real snakes in a theater during "Snakes on a Plane." In reality, I think this is a great idea, except next time don't release poisonous rattlesnakes. Or maybe just throw a rubber snake across the theater or something. How funny would it have been if the snakes bit the douchebag(s) that released them and they died? Super funny.

Albert Boyce: I'm going to give a little help to those of you that have the nasty habit of drunk driving. If you crash your car into a tree, don't tell police that your 4 year-old son was driving. That's what Albert tried, and it didn't work.

Josh Beury: Speaking of DUIs, let me give you another tip should you be caught in this predicament - don't show up to your DUI court date drunk. Josh tried this and it didn't work out too well. In fact, he got off pretty easy with a 30-day sentence. The problem is that they smelled alcohol on his breath as he was being escorted out of the courtroom. He blew a .20, which was a higher BAC than when he got his DUI. Now he gets to serve at least 90 days or maybe up to 6 years depending on his behavior. Isn't that a sign that you have a little problem with alcohol?

Nelson Chaudoin: Sometimes I am amazed at what passes for parenting these days. Nelson was having trouble because this kid (grandson? random kid? does it matter?) was touching himself to much. Nelson's solution? Bite the kids balls. No, seriously.

Troy Lee Gentry: I guess if you are a country music star you need to have that image of rugged outdoorsmen. Maybe its like a rapper needing to kill someone to get a street reputation. And what better way to get this image than to hunt and kill a bear with a bow and arrow? So Gentry went out to the woods, found a bear, stalked him quietly, then shot him clean through the neck, causing an instant death. Well, not exactly. He actually went and bought a bear, put it in a cage and shot it, then made a fake video of him shooting the bear in the wild. You're so rugged. Have you ever seen "Surviving the Game" with Ice-T and Gary Busey? Well, they basically find a homeless guy (Ice-T) and set him free in the wood and then hunt him. Only they forget its Ice-T and he's a fucking bad-ass so he actually kills all of them. In any case, I think that is what they should do to Troy Lee Gentry, only they should just put him in a cage and shoot him.

The passengers of Flight ZB 613: These passengers basically started what the article calls "a mutiny" because they didn't want the flight to leave with two young Arab men on board. I guess they heard the two guys speaking Arabic and they were wearing leather jackets on a warm day and were scruffy with long hair. The captain got security and the two men were escorted off the plane to be searched. The two gave no complaints and didn't put up a fight. They were put up in the airport hotel and allowed to fly home later that day. Is this seriously what it has come to? I would have been absolutely embarrassed to be a passenger on that flight. If this is how we act now, then the terrorists have won.

And the "winner"

I guess it was going to happen sooner or later, but my Douchebag of the Week is our favorite Scientologist*, Tom Cruise. After 14 years of working together, Paramount has decided to drop Crazy Tommy from their lineup due to his off-screen behavior. What could they possibly mean? His harassment of Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants? Jumping on Oprah's couch? Talking shit too Matt Lauer? His freakishly secretive child? The "kidnapping" of Katie Holmes? I'm not sure why Paramount is so worried. Maybe its because millions of people (like me) will no longer go to any movie with Tom Cruise in it because he's a complete spaz and a total douchebag.

(* Note: to any Scientologists that read this - I love Scientology and I don't think that you're crazy so please don't send your minions after me)

Wiretapping without a warrant is unconstitutional?

Well, I think most people had decided that a long time ago, but a federal court ruled today that it is officially illegal and ordered the NSA to stop.

First, I'm glad that our 3-branch system still exists and that there are actual checks on the President (executive branch) by the Courts (judicial branch).

Second, I'm waiting for the ridiculous responses from the conservative side. The ACLU will surely give a wacky interpretation of the decision as well, seeing that they are the plaintiff in the case and they have a small tendency to exaggerate. Here is my list of predictable conservative responses:

1. "That program is legal" OK, not such a tough prediction since the Attorney General already said that in the article I linked to above, but it was predictable. However, as the court's decision has decided, it is actually not legal.

2. "Those activist liberal justices..." Just because they disagree with you does not make them activist. It is their job to interpret law. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd want the judge to be activist.

3. "Liberals are helping the terrorists again." Well, I can see your point except that I think we need to protect the rights and freedoms that we are supposedly fighting for. I think the quote that Judge Taylor (who made the decision) used in the decision shows what I mean pretty well. Its from Earl Warren (another "activist" judge):

"Implicit in the term ‘national defense’ is the notion of defending
those values and ideas which set this Nation apart. . . . It would
indeed be ironic if, in the name of national defense, we would
sanction the subversion of . . . those liberties . . . which makes the
defense of the Nation worthwhile."

4. "Wiretaps help fight terrorists." Yep, but we could also shut down all travel outside of the U.S., close down all airlines, nuke the Middle East, and all of those would help fight terrorists but we don't do that. Why? Because that's going to far. Besides, this ruling does nothing to legal wiretaps done through FISA warrants. These are the types of warranted wiretaps that the British used to break up the most recent plot to blow up planes.

Look, I recognize the usefulness and need for wiretapping surveillance, but the Constitution says specifically that you need a warrant backed by reasonable cause. Its pretty clear. How easy is it to get a warrant.? According to this report, 1758 applications were made. None were denied. Sounds pretty tough.

Last comment. And this is more of a questions than a declaration of intent. If this ruling says that the President and/or NSA violated the law, shouldn't someone be in trouble? I'm really wondering.

BONUS!! More douchebags

First, here is a funny article about these worms that some Australian scientists found that are hermaphrodites. That's not so funny or unusual. What is funny is that they reproduce by having a penis fight. The winner "gets it in" the other worm first and the loser gets to be pregnant.

In my pursuit to post more often I present these douchebags for your consideration:

Here are the nominees (many political):

Stupid Americans: Quick! Name the Prime Minister of Britain. Now tell me the name of Homer's (not Simpson) two epic poems. OK, tell me what planet is closest to the sun. Three branches of the U.S. government? The most recent justice named to the Supreme Court. If you had trouble with any of those, then you are an average American. In the survey discussed in this article, only 1/2 of Americans could name Tony Blair, but 57% could name Harry Potter as J.K. Rowling's book wizard. Couldn't name "The Odyssey" and "The Iliad" as Homer's poems? Well, only 20.5 % surveyed could, so you're in the majority although 60% of American's could name Homer's son Bart. For the rest of the answers, read the article. Are we that stupid? (Although I am kind of impressed that 50% could name Tony Blair).

Cynthia McKinney: You may remember this nutbar from her attack on Capitol Hill police that wanted to see her ID. Well, the good Democrats of Georgia decided to not nominate her to get her seat back. What could be the reason for her defeat? Maybe the fact that she made an ass of herself in the news and pulled the race card to cover. Nope. She says that it was electronic voting and open primaries. She warns voters that these electronic voting machines only lead to corruption and prevent an African-American from winning any election because...what? OH, well it turns out she lost the primary to a fellow African-American. D'oh! Open primaries are when any member of any party can vote for a candidate in whichever party they choose in a primary, meaning a Republican could vote in the Democratic primary instead of the Republican. My feeling is that Republicans would have loved for this ass-clown to win. Its like choosing to play Moldova instead of Brazil in the World Cup. She needs to go away.

The Claustrophobic Lady: If you are afraid of small places why in the hell would you ever get on an airplane? Well, this lady did, went nuts, and caused a plane going from London to D.C. to divert to Boston. Didn't she ever see the A-Team? B.A. was so afraid of airplanes that they always had to drug his milk to get him to pass out so they could fly. That's what this lady needs. I'm sure none of the other people on the plane were pissed.

Some guy at NASA: So NASA wants to take the original tape of the moon landings and make them sharper. They call the guy in charge and he can't find them. How the fuck do you lose that tape!?! I lost my VHS copy of Swingers somewhere, but now I have it on DVD so its OK, but if it were the only copy in the world I'm sure I would have kept better track of it.

Poachers: (This is an unofficial nomination from Pete at Life Outside the Rat Race). Have you ever seen a West African Black Rhino? Well, you lost your chance because it seems that they are extinct. That's right, no more exist. How does this still happen in 2006? Well, it turns out that their horns can fetch as much as $50,000 on the black market (mostly Asia?) in medicine. Things don't look much better for the Northern Africa White Rhino as there aren't too many of those left. How many? 1,000? 100? 10? Nope. They could only find 4. How the fuck are there only four of one thing in the world?!? There are more than 4 people in my family! Someone needs to take one of these black market horns and shove it up the ass of every poacher they find. I hate to make comedy of this tragedy, but it really comes from anger.

Kevin Holder: One of yesterday's nominees amazed me by getting 70 tickets for speeding. Mr. Holder tops that record. He has been arrested 226 times. That's dedication to his craft. He really should be jailed for life to protect himself. How does he avoid a life term? Only felonies count for the state's 3-strikes rule.

Some really dumb Brazilian guy: So the story believes that this guy was a scrap-metal scavenger who had come across some rocket-propelled grenades. Now, what is the best way to open a live RPG to get out the metal? Well, this guy seemed to think a sledgehammer was his best option. Needless to say, he blew up.

Our "winner":
Sen. George Allen: The Virginia Senator was going after one of the volunteer's for his opponent and started calling him "macaca" which is basically a racial slur (like macaque - a type of monkey) that is more common in France. Allen speaks French. D'oh! It gets better. His first excuse? Its not a real word, I just made it up. Except you speak French and your mother is French Tunisian. Excuse #2? We call him mohawk, I messed it up. Yeah, they sound alike. And he said it twice. Next? Today's excuse was that it was a combination of "mohawk" and "caca" thus calling him a shithead. Here's the reality. Allen used to keep a Confederate flag in his office - with a noose next to it, he opposed a state recognition of Martin Luther King Day, and wanted a Confederate History Month. Nice try douchebag.
(Note: a lot of this material on George Allen comes from The Carpetbagger Report. Go read, its funny.)

Douchebag of the Week 8/15/06

First, here is a couple of the douchebags that I had stored up for the last month or so that are now too old to ethically use.

Man gets killed by lions. Why does this make him a douchebag? Because he climbed into the lion exhibit claiming that if God existed, God would protect him from the lions. Well, at least he knows for sure now.

Woman attacks dog breeder. I would be pissed too if the dog that I just bought died. However, this lady got into a fight with the breeder and began hitting her with the dead dog. I'm really trying to find a good pun for this one, but I'm drawing a blank.

My official nominees:

Google. As we all now know, Google is more than a website, it is also a verb. Yes, it is in the Webster's Dictionary. It now falls into the same category (sort of) as coke, kleenex, and frisbee. But I guess the people at Google don't like this and have come up with a new term to describe this fate: genericide. This is the term they used in writing a letter the author of the article asking him not to use "google" as a verb. Damn, I can understand why a company would not want that kind of publicity.

John Karbowski. Hypothetical situation. You live in humid warm Florida and are being overrun by mosquitoes. How do you solve the problem? Well, our friend Mr. Karbowski decided to try and raise a colony of bats on his property to eat the mosquitoes. Unfortunately for the bats, he did not properly care for them and they all died - so he is being charged with animal cruelty.

Francesca Cisneros. First, let me confess something here. Once, when I was 17, I got a speeding ticket. I know, my image of perfection has been tarnished. Francesca, on the other hand, has been given more than a few speeding tickets in the last 5 months - 70 to be exact. Now, I know people that have been caught speeding twice, even three times in a short period (***cough** my brother ***cough***), but this is just absurd. It is not, however, the number of tickets that garnered Francesca this nomination, but her response to the tickets: she threw them all away thinking that nothing could happen to her. Well, now she faces $11,000 in fines and, according to the article, possible suspension of her license. Possible!! This lady shouldn't be allowed around other people anymore let alone allowed to operate a moving vehicle. She shouldn't even be allowed to ride the bus.

My youngest ever douchebag nominee (I think) unfortunately has to remain anonymous because of her age. You see, Indian judge Julia Jent has come up with a new punishment for teen traffic offenders - they have to ride the bus to school. Not get a ride from friends or from their parents, but ride the big metal twinkie. What the judge noticed was that this one particular girl did not seem to care that she was getting a ticket (probably because she was a spoiled little shit) so Judge Jent sentenced her to ride the bus to school every day for a few months or face a fine and suspension of her license. Like with Francesca above, it was her response that got her the nomination: she began to cry outside the courtroom. Douche!

And the winner:

Peter McBride. Now, I am not one to be very critical of a person's reason for getting a tattoo. You see, I have to yellow stars inked on my right arm - one for each of the L.A. Galaxy's MLS Cup titles. However, I feel that my criticism of this guy is pretty fair. You see, he was in the tattoo parlor and the guy in front of him was wearing a polo shirt, so Peter got the Polo horse logo tattooed on his chest where it would be if he was wearing a Polo shirt. I wish it was still PC to call stupid things gay, because this would completely qualify.

That's it for now. I feel pretty good having added another honoree to the Wall of Douchebaggery. Hopefully I'll pull some more together for next week.

Its time to start blogging again

Its funny that I was more apt to blog during the school year when I did not have time. Sitting at my desk in my classroom, the internet had a greater draw for me than grading papers, filing, or planning. However, now that I actually have time I feel like I need to blog again. This whole fucked up world is also pretty big incentive to write something.

First, We are almost 12 hours into a ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon/Hezbollah. Will it stick? My guess is no. There is already "small fighting" between the sides, which I guess doesn't count in the ceasefire? One side or the other is probably going to launch a bunch of missiles saying that the other side was about to. Why do I think this? History. That's how it works with Israel and pretty much every other country these days. One example: the Six-Day War. Israel attacked Egypt, Iraq, Jordan and Syria because Egypt was building up troops near the Egypt/Israel border. Justified or not, Israel went on to not only defend the territory they already had, but increased their land as well - not too defensive of a war in my view. I don't want you to see this as an example of how bad I think Israel is, but instead how things tend to escalate quickly in the Middle East. Honestly, I think Israel was a little justified in going after Hezbollah, not for the reason they originally gave (two kidnapped Israeli soldiers), but for their own protection. However, it has clearly become a case of attacking a country instead of the terrorists, as many innocent Lebanese have been killed in the Israeli attacks. The standard argument is that Lebanon won't do anything to stop Hezbollah, so its their fault. What this argument forgets is that many in the Lebanese army are Shiites, so they will not kill the Shiites in Hezbollah, thus making the Lebanese Army more or less useless in this situation. Also, Israel has been cutting off aid to the people of Lebanon, including fuel, which is needed to run important things like hospitals(you may need a membership to NYTimes for this link). To sum it all up, I think Israel needs to either look to other countries for help in actually going after Hezbollah instead of innocent Lebanese OR they need to just back off.

Second, this whole terrorist plot busting has got me worked up for several reasons. #1: How did we not know that liquids could be smuggled onto a plane and used to blow it up? I say that because this same thing was going to happen in 1995. Why do we always decide to ban things after we almost get blown up by them? Shouldn't somebody look back at 1995 ad say "You know, they had a plan to smuggle liquids onto a plane to blow the plane up, why don't we ban liquids from being brought onto a plane?" That wouldn't be so hard. People really don't need to carry-on their shampoo because every hotel in the world gives you some for free. The airlines bring water, soda, booze, etc. on the plane so you don't have to. Just put your cologne into the checked luggage. Seems easy enough. Its like after 9-11. All of a sudden we have these restrictions where we have to take off our shoes, can't bring on nail clippers or box-cutters, etc. Who the hell needs box-cutters on a plane anyways? Leave that shit at home! #2: Isn't it interesting that the day before this plot was broken up, many big Republicans were randomly going after Democrats for being weak on terrorism? Well, this article thought that was pretty interesting too (thanks to Bob over at In the Belly of the Whale for posting this earlier - read his post). Why not go after your opponent when you can give a perfect example of terrorism the next day? Don't get me wrong here. This is not entirely a criticism of Republicans (although it is mostly that) because I know that Democrats would have done the same thing. They are all douchebags. #3: Who actually complains about extra airplane security? Only assholes. One lady on the news said that when she weighed the costs and benefits of tighter security in considering the inconvenience placed on passengers, she said the extra security was not worth it. Are you fucking kidding me? She needs to be blown up on a plane. I am more than happy to take off my shoes, have them search my bag, and even have them feel my balls (with the back of their hand of course) if it means my plane is that much less likely to blow up or crash into a building. Yes, I know that its a bigger deal for women, but you won't have boobs for the security to feel after you explode over the Atlantic. That's my point. Let's learn how to cope.

That's all for now. I am building up a collection of douchebags and plan to post again tonight.

I feel like I said some offensive things above. If your offended, I'm sorry - sorry that you're so easily offended - get over it.

Sorry ladies...

...but I'm now officially off the market. Yep, married. What does that mean? The most common joke that I hear is that I will now be ordered around and that marriage cake kills a woman's desire to have sex. That joke got old after the first time I heard it and was kind of annoying times 2-74. However, after being married now for almost 4 whole days, I can honestly say its a pretty good deal and I feel good about the decision.

About the wedding and reception. You know how people say that guests generally don't notice the mistakes that happen during the wedding day? Well, there were no mistakes Saturday. Everything went according to plan. I have to admit that I was a little worried when two of my groomsmen went to Rubio's at 1:30 when we were supposed to be dressed and in the church at 2:00, but they somehow made it back. I'm still not sure how Andrew and Peter pulled that off. The reception was a good time. I thought the food was way better than I remembered in our tasting. The Karl Strauss Amber Lager was delicious. That was my drink of choice the whole night, although I know that the wine was good because I chose the white and my in-laws chose the red (which I also sampled). In any case, I enjoyed the evening. We stayed at the Westin across the street. That's a seriously nice place. I enjoyed a $19 breakfast of 2 eggs, hash browns, and 2 sausages. Actually, the two breakfasts together with tax and tip came out to $55, but it came with coffee and OJ (which I think was actually Sunny Delight). In return, we took the mini jars of preserves and ketchup.

So, that's that for the wedding. Its nice to be married, but its extra nice seeing that I no longer have to plan wedding, which I was barely involved in anyways.

Things I want to write about, but don't have time: Israel-Lebanon, Mel Gibson, and Fidel Castro.

Douchebag of the Week 7/28/06

I don't have time for a list of nominees, but a winner jumped out to me today while watching the morning news.

If you are not aware, the mayor of Los Angeles is trying to take over the LA Unified School District as part of his plan to reform and improve the schools. Although I won't come to the defense of the LAUSD bureaucracy 100% on this issue, Mayor Villaraigosa has showed just how much he cares about the real issue here. At a "town hall" meeting last night about AB1381, the Assembly Bill that would essentially give him the ability to take over LA schools, he left early. Parents and interested parties were left without the ear of the one man that seeks to gain a huge amount of power from this deal. I think that is just what he wants: more power.


Here's another example of just how concerned Villaraigosa is with the views of the people. Just 3 hours before a scheduled attendance at a San Fernando City Council meeting he cancels because he and his people were not prepared for a public meeting. Earth to douchebag - all City Council meetings in this state are public. ITS THE LAW! Do you not know the law? Maybe you should learn the law before you ditch the people of LA for your attempt at running for governor next time around. That is what I think the real issue is. Believe it or not, LA schools are achieving great success and growth. I think there are dedicated teachers and support staff that make this happen. My school has seen incredible growth in the time that I've been there. I think Villaraigosa wants to take over, get credit for this success, and then run for governor.

What really makes him a douchebag, though, is this article. Apparently he makes it a habit of leaving things early and being a dick. The article discusses this memo that got out of the mayor's office to the LA Times last week. There are very strict rules about being an aide to the mayor: always be within his line of sight, seat him near an exit, have a backup exit plan, and always have a packet of Listerine breath strips are among the requirements. Just like a freakin' rock star. I thought this guy played himself off like a man of the people, but to me he looks like a douchebag.

Meet Andy

World, meet Andy:

Andrew Michael Austin was born Wednesday night just before midnight. I turn 29 next month and I have a new cousin. Congratulations to my Uncle Jon and my newest Aunt Minda on having this pretty freakin' cute kid (must be an Austin, which also means he has flat feet). Little Andy is named after my Uncle Andy who died in a car accident when I was 2.

Personally, I think Jon and Mind did this on purpose to steal my thunder this weekend. Not really. Some people are calling this wedding weekend, but its really baby weekend because my friend Holly is expecting a new nephew any time as well.

Something new

Pete seems to think that I am slacking on my blogging duties, but I really think that I am letting the blog rest while I finish my moving/wedding duties. One day, Pete will be in my spot and I'll give him loads of shit for not blogging.

First, I have a confession to make. I am two days from my wedding and I'm having second thoughts. You see, Amanda is not the same person that I proposed to 14 months ago. She's spending more time at our apartment and I have learned a new dirty secret: she watches "Charmed". Yep, that show about witches starring Shannon Doherty and Alyssa Milano. Now, you need to realize that this show is no longer in production and I've seen her watch 2-3 consecutive episodes in one sitting. These are things you need to share with a person before he gives you the ring.

Second, my bachelor party. Well, this was actually bachelor party #2 although the first was more focused on World Cup and tattoos than bachelorness. So we watched U.S. vs. Italy and then my brother and I settled a bet we made with each other at the beginning of the last MLS season. Since the Galaxy won the MLS Cup, we got two stars on our arms in recognition of their two MLS Cup titles. In the soccer world, stars are put on your uniform to signify the number of championships you have won. So when you look at England's national team uniform, you will see one star above their crest because they won the World Cup in 1966.

The "real" bachelor party was almost two weeks ago and I'm just now getting back to drinking alcohol again. We went to Gordon Biersch (sp?) for dinner, where I had a few of their Summer Beer's, which were good. We went from there to Jake's, a pool hall in Old Town. That's where the trouble started. Jake's has a "large beer" that is basically a 32 oz. mug. This seems like a great idea until you realize that they already serve their beer only slightly below room temperature and then you add in the fact that you can't drink it fast enough since there is so much. However, the 2 (well, I left about a third of the second beer) giant mugs of Newcastle added to the 4 pints of SummerBrew weren't what did me in. It was the mixing of that with a kamikaze shot and several shots of Bushmills. Bushmills and I have a strange relationship. The times that I have been the most drunk were almost all due to this lovely yet dangerous distilled spirit. This night, I saw the dark side of my friendship with this particular Irish Whiskey. In any case, I was feeling very little pain.

This is where it gets a little hazy. At some point, we left Jake's and headed to the Crown to meet with Amanda and her posse, which dwindled pretty fast with all of the new mothers involved. I honestly have almost no recollection of the walk from Jake's to the Crown. However, as Pete commented elsewhere, there was a public urination incident. I need to defend myself here a bit. First, it was public, but at a construction area behind a giant dumpster. Second, I don't think it is all that uncommon for me to piss in public, especially when its after midnight on a dark street. I've done it on several occasions while completely sober. My dad, my uncle, my buddy Ryan and I all pissed on some wall of ivy while walking to the Rose Bowl to see the Eagles back in '95. I pissed on my brother's truck in the parking lot of the Home Depot Center. I watered a bush on Los Robles walking back to my car at 3 am after getting back from a road trip to San Jose to see a Galaxy game. In my humble opinion, this is not inappropriate behavior.

Getting back to the events of the evening. I remember a few things from the Crown. First, Pete bought me another shot of Bushmills, which is what caused the 2nd and 3rd things that I remembered. After the shot, I felt a little off and went to the bathroom to solve the problem. As I bent over to puke, my glasses fell into the toilet. I would have liked to keep this a secret, but Amanda mentioned it on the Rat Race blog. This is also why I feel OK about revealing her love of "Charmed" to the world. However, there was no puke or other material besides water in the toilet, so I grabbed my glasses, wiped them off, and put them in my pocket. Then I did what I came there to do. I did this same thing again the next morning in Amanda's apartment and then later in the bathroom at the CookShack while a bunch of women waited in line. Yes, I am that classy. Sundy was a wasted day and Monday at work was interesting. However, by the following Friday I could stomach champagne at Amanda's parents and had a beer at a party we went to on Saturday evening. I did, however, enjoy the bachelor party.

This brings me to my 3rd and final comment for today. I am too old to drink in the amount that I drank at my bachelor party. Back in the day, I could get hammered like that, wake up, get a breakfast burrito or something else greasy, and I was back on my feet. This time I was ruined until Monday evening. My body can't handle it anymore. I can go beer only all night and be OK, but the hard stuff is just more than my liver wants to deal with anymore. Plus, now that I'm getting married I have to behave more, except when soccer is on.

That's it for today. I might not be able to post again until after the wedding, but I promise to get back into the political discussions since I have a lot to say about this whole Israel/Lebanon thing and the upcoming Congressional elections.

My last soccer-only post for a while

A few things about soccer...

My view on the World Cup final. Italy deserved to win that game, but not the World Cup. They played like a bunch of diving bitches. However, since they got to play easy teams in the elimination rounds they win. To get to the semi-finals: Australia, Ukraine, and then Germany (who were a surprise semi-finalist). I call bullshit. France did not play their game and Fabbio Cannavaro played out-of-his-ass defense. I also think he deserved the gold ball (W.C. MVP) more than Zidane. He was the reason they won. In the end, I feel a little cheated from this World CUp, which is a difficult thing to deal with since I have another 4 years to wait.

Italian soccer scandal. The decision was handed down and some teams are going to eat shit. Juventus, probably the most famous team in Italy, was demoted to Serie B. They have been in the top flight since 1897. (Most world soccer leagues have several levels. The top 3 teams in lower levels move up a league while the bottom three drop - imagine if the last place teams in MLB were relegated to AAA) In order to get back into the top-flight, they will have to place in the Top 3. Normally, this would be pretty easy for a top team like Juve, but they were also docked 30 points, which it takes 10 wins to accumulate. Essentially, this is like telling a major league baseball team that they will start the season with 40 losses and they have to make the playoffs to stay in the league. Truth is, they deserved more. Fiorentino will be demoted and docked 12 points while Lazio (favorite of Italian fascists) will be demoted and docked 7 points. AC Milan gets to stay in Serie A, but will get docked 15 points and will not be allowed to play in European tournaments (this is a big deal). Many of the major players on these teams are rumored to have clauses in their contracts that allow them to opt out if the team is relegated to a lower league, so that could make it even tougher on some of these teams. Again, I think they all deserved to be relegated to Serie C and docked 30 points. We'll see what happens.

The Galaxy are back in form. Lots of changes including dumping Steve Sampson. Who would have guessed that the coach that led the U.S. to a last place finish in the 98 World CUp would be a shite coach. We've also got back our National Team players, Landon Donovan and Chris Albright. We're out of last and looking to kick ass tonight on our cross-town rivals, ChivasUSA, tonight. I think I am allowed to say "we" since I now have 2 yellow stars tattooed on my arm to commemorate the Galaxy's two MLS Cup titles. I'm telling you, soccer does funny things to a person.

Anyways, there's a lot going on in the world outside soccer that I forgot about once World Cup started. Did you know that the U.S. is fighting in Iraq still? I was surprised too. Oh, and something about violence in the middle east involving Israel? Shocked! I'll talk about it later.

World Cup Post #11 - 7/9/06

Its hard to believe that after a month of constantly talking football that it all comes to an end today. We're about 15 minutes from kickoff. For the first time since I started watching the World Cup in 1994 I am watching the final alone at home. I'm not sure why. However, this country still does not put this sport on the pedestal it deserves and I can't just go into any bar or restaurant and find other people enjoying the game. So, I'm here in my orange Ikea chair with a beer in hand enjoying the biggest game in the sport that has stolen a piece of my soul - and its like heaven.

My prediction. Italy are the favorites. They've allowed one goal in the cup, an own goal versus the U.S., and the 11 goals they've tallied were scored by 10 different players. They are a complete team representing a country whose league is about to be crushed by a scandal. The Azzurri are capable of playing an absolutely stunning brand of football and deserve to be favorites. However, there is one factor that I don't think they can deal with: Zidane. One of the all-time great players has shown that he will take his team on his back and carry them to the country's 2nd title. He is a wizard. France has overcome early struggles and the best opponents to get here: Spain, Brazil, and Portugal. Italy has been helped to this final with weaker opponents (Australia, Ukraine, Germany) and officials that have bought their diving. France is battle-worn and ready to earn the title. Italy will not get the help this time. France will win 2-1 in overtime. Italy goal by Toni. France gets one early from Ribery and the winner in overtime from Henry (who gets a great assist from Zidane).

We will see. I'm glad my wedding is less than 3 weeks away because my summer would seem boring after this. Kickoff is here. Allez les bleus!!

What do students think about today's issues?

My summer school students are doing a blog as part of their summer project. They have to post and comment about current events involving government, law, etc. - basically anything that falls under the broad topic of "Civics" (which is also called "Government" in some schools). I am putting a link to their blogs here. Although these blogs will only be going for the next 3-4 weeks, its a pretty interesting insight into how high school kids think. Some of the posts are really god, others are somewhat immature. However, check them out and make comments if you wish.

Gov Love
Blogsheviks

(They came up with these names)

World Cup Post #10 - 7/2/06

Brazil will create a lot of chances, but they could have trouble with stopping a creative and quick Henry with their old defense.

This is what I said in my last post and it proved to be so correct. Looking back at this post, you will find this quote:

Brazil has become the easy pick to win the cup, but I wouldn't bet on it. Look at their starting attackers alone (Adriano, Fred, Robinho, Ronaldinho, etc.) and you crap in your pants. However, look at the defenders and what do you find. Talent that will sit the bench in favor of older semi-legends. Cafu will be 36 when they play their first game and any Real Madrid fan will tell you that Roberto Carlos is not the same guy he was back in 2002 or 1998. Yes, everybody knows that Roberto Carlos can kick the ball really hard, but his weakness is defensive skill. Brazil will win this group and have a great cup, but the teams with speed and skill in the midfield and attack can beat them - if you can stop their attack first.

There are a lot of things that I have been wrong about when making predictions in this cup (U.S. advances, Argentina winning, etc.), but this was one thing that consistently believed - Brazil was not that good. Although Henry scored the goal and was able to get behind the defense like I thought, the game-changer in this game was Zidane. If you are one of those people that wants to understand why soccer is loved around the world - watch this game. The things that Zidane does with the ball at his feet are absolutely stunning. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to see him live when Real Madrid came out to play the Galaxy. Ronaldinho gets all of the fame, but for my money, nobody beats Zidane. He is 34, but is playing like he's 24. Watch the semi-final with Portugal. He is likely to carve the Portuguese defense apart.

Here's my World Cup best 11 so far.

Keeper: Jan Lehman, Germany (PKs against Argentina says it all)
Defenders: Juan Sorin, Argentina; William Gallas, France; Phillipe Senderos, Switzerland; Miguel, Portugal
Midfield: Juan Riquelme, Argentina; Frank Ribery, France (check out his bad-ass scar); Zinedine Zidane, France; Ze Roberto, Brazil
Forwards: Miroslav Klose, Germany; Hernan Crespo, Argentina

There are lots of others that I could have included. Tenorio from Ecuador, Maxi Rodriguez from Argentina, some would argue for Ronaldo (fuck that guy), but I feel like the 11 I picked have really stood out.

Biggest disappointments: Ronaldinho, Landon Donovan, Ruud Van Niistelrooy, Wayne Rooney, Frank Lampard (24 shots, 0 goals)

My new prediction: France 2-1 Portugal and Germany 3-1 Italy
Champion: Germany I guess.

That's all for now. I'm excited for the semis, but I'm bummed that we're down to 4 games (including the 3rd place game).

World Cup Post #9 - 6/30/06

OK, so the combination of ending regular school, starting summer school, and moving into a new apartment have killed my ability to blog. I have a lot of catching up to do.

First, why did the U.S. not make it out of their group? Well, I think there are a lot of reasons. Their group was tough. The #2 and #5 teams in the world did not make it out, so that says a lot. Grouping is weird. Look at a team like Ukraine. They get destroyed by Spain, but get Tunisia and Saudi Arabia after that. Not too tough. Another reason was the officiating in the Italy and Ghana games. Eddie Pope being sent off was a complete joke, as the majority of the officiating in the cup has been. Then in the Ghana game, Ghana gets a PK for nothing. How did Ghana win? A major mistake by Claudio Reyna and another by the official gave Ghana their two goals. Take nothing away from Ghana. They are a good team that outplayed Brazil (except the scoring part) in their round of 16 game. However, there are three more important reasons that kept the U.S. from success: Arena's insistence on using a 4-5-1, the teams complete lack of heart, and their inability to score goals. All in all, there is a lot too be learned.

Second, my predictions for the round of 16 were pretty close. My misses were: Ecuador instead of Poland, Ghana instead of the U.S., and Switzerland instead of Korea. I think I even got the placing right in most of the others.

Getting to the quarterfinals brought some major surprises. First, I couldn't believe that Spain lost to the French. It seemed like the Spanish were firing on all cylinders while the older French team was fighting with themselves. Experience counts for a lot, as does the big-time dive by Thierry Henry in the box. However, Spain's coach is a racist (he called Henry a "black shit") and does not deserve to go on. Portugal's victory over the Netherlands was a disgusting display on both sides as well as by the official, who lost all control of the match. Neither team deserved to go on, but at least the Portuguese will be missing two players in their quarterfinal match. Italy got lucky against a great Australian side by getting a PK in literally the last minute. They are even more lucky to get Ukraine in the quarters. Speaking of Ukraine, their round of 16 match with the Swiss was dreadful. 120 minutes of slow football followed by 3 PK misses by the Swiss. Yawn.

The Quarters. Frankly, I'm stunned at Argentina's exit at the hands of the Germans. However, hosts always do well in the World Cup and they often win. Italy should dominate Ukraine, which will set them up for a battle with WWII ally Italy. England has struggled so far, but I hope to see them pull something together and outclass the dirty Portuguese side. Brazil and France should be an exciting game. Brazil will create a lot of chances, but they could have trouble with stopping a creative and quick Henry with their old defense. My picks are all shot though with Argentina's loss. I think England will move on to face Brazil and beat them to face Germany in the final. That's what I think right now, but I may change my mind later. Only 6 more games left in the cup as Italy-Ukraine is about to kick-off. It went too fast. What will I do for the next 4 years?