Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award - 2/3/05

I've been so into items of substance on this blog that I am ignoring the items with little significance to anyone - except Bakersfield of course. So here is the latest installment of the Douchebag of the Week for your enjoyment.

The nominees

John Daly: I'm sort of wishy-washy on this one since it sort of makes him my hero, but Daly found out shortly before he teed off at the Buick Open that his wife was taken to jail for a crime that she was previously convicted for committing. So, of course, he withdrew and went to be with her and deal with their kids, right? Nope. He went out the next day and started the tournament. But of course, being so distracted, he probably bombed out. Nope. He shot a 3-under 69. Nice.

Tamra Eason: If a guy comes to your door with a homemade tattoo gun offering his services, what would you do? I would politely say "no thanks" and close the door. Not Tamra. She, along with 2 other people living in her apartment complex, took him up on his offer and now they all have infections. The Dept. of Health is suggesting that they get checked for HIV and Hep C.

Oil companies: I really don't hold that much against them since the point of business is to make money, but these douchebags are just plain questionable. Exxon reported a quarterly profit of over $10 billion. That puts them at over $36 billion for the year. I wish they would just come out and say "if you don't like our prices ride your fucking bike" because that would at least be honest. They claim that they are going to put these profits into making sure that they can supply us in the future. The only thing they are worried about supplying is their family with a lifetime of tacos made from the meat of endangered species.

Fernando Del Pino: From the "no fucking shit" file comes this story from Lexington, Kentucky (big surprise - the South) where a teacher decided to show his middle school class "40 year-old virgin." The story makes it sound like he didn't know what the movie was about, but don't you figure out that it is inappropriate after seeing a guy with a boner about 5 seconds into the movie? I told my kids about the story and even they know that this should not be showed at school. This coming from 14 year-olds that think we can watch episodes of South Park in class.

?????: It is tough to pick out who the biggest douchebag is in this story. I'll let you decide. Barbara Asher is a dominatrix who accidentally(?) killed one of her clients, Michael Lord (he had a heart attack). She then teamed up with her boyfriend to chop the guy up and dumped the bits behind a restaurant. In court, the prosecutor put on a bondage mask (think Pulp Fiction or just click to see the picture) and started to re-enact the crime before the judge stopped him. So who is the biggest douchebag? The guy who hires a dominatrix, the dominatrix that chops him up, or the prosecutor that puts on a bondage mask in court? The answer: the investigators that lost all of the evidence allowing Asher to be acquitted. Also note that the bits were dumped behind a restaurant and the body was never found. They must have done the dumping behind a Taco Bell.

David Kennedy: This guy was pulled over because he was driving erratically and almost hit another driver. When the cop walked up to his window, what did he find out about Mr. Kennedy? He was drunk? No. He was stoned? No. He was only eight years old and his dad was passed out in the back seat? That would be funny, but no. He was distracted by the porno mags that he was trying to read while he was driving? ding ding ding. Where was young Mr. Kennedy from? Memphis, which just happens to be in the South.

Cindy Sheehan: A previous winner gets nominated again, just falling short. This has been a pretty popular story, but I want to chime in just for a second. She was arrested while in attendance at the State of the Union for wearing a shirt that said "2245 dead - How many more?" I'm all about freedom of speech, but how is this an appropriate time to do that? There is something called tact, and this lady completely lacks it. I was a big fan of hers when she camped out in front of Bush's ranch, but she needs to be a little more normal. Its hard to be a liberal when this kook gets put forward as the face of your political beliefs. As a person that is strongly against our war in Iraq, I feel like a Conservative Christian must feel about Pat Robertson or an African-American in New Orleans must feel about their mayor. She needs to either go away or just choose some more effective means of protest. The wife of a Republican Congressman was also removed from the chamber for wearing a support-our-troops t-shirt. The guy wants to sue over his wife's removal, but has no problem with Sheehan being arrested. That makes total sense. (please read last sentence in sarcastic tone)

Now, I am going to have two categories this week for the winner: one for Comedic Douchebag of the Week and one for Asshole Douchebag of the Week.

Comedic Douchbag of the Week: Sylvester Williams was arrested for selling crack. Nothing unusual about that. The comedy is in how they caught him. Well, it turns out that he was a very enterprising crack dealer and so he had made some business cards that ended up in the hands of the police, who called in an order and arrested him. The slogan on his business card (and my new life mantra): "For a quick hit on time call the boss." I think he was sampling the product a little too much.

Asshole Douchebag of the Week: Bill Handel decided last week that the death of a few hundred Muslims making a traditional pilgrimage would be a good subject for a comedy bit. He created a fake traffic report about the stampeding crowd that ended up in the death of 363 people. When the Council of American Islamic Relations demanded an apology, he responded that he would apologize only if CAIR denounced terrorism, recognized Israel's right to exist, and deny any connections to terrorist groups. Where's the connection there? I have no idea. He's done it before too. In 2004 he said that Muslims don't bathe, hate Jews, and have sex with animals. How is this ass-clown still on the radio? I guess any station willing to put Dr. Laura on the air is willing to accept and racist asshole.

So, that's the latest installment. Once again, the credit goes to my diligent staff of midgets and monkeys on typewriters for putting together this collection of "great" stories.