Douchebag of the Week - Christmas 2005

Here is your Christmas-themed Evil Twin of Wiliam Jennings Bryan Douchebag of the Week.

First, an honorary nominee that is not Christmas related.

Joseph Stalin: There are a lot of bad things to say about Stalin. However, this one lives somewhere between "awesome as hell" and "few beers short of a six-pack." I saw this story a few days ago and my gangsta homie Peter from Pete the Elder wrote about it extensively on his site. According to the Russians, they uncovered some secret documents showing that Stalin ordered one of his best scientists to ... wait for it ... create a half-ape, half-human super soldier. You heard me correctly. He actually sent this scientist to Africa to try and breed humans with chimps. I know this will come as a big shock, but it didn't work. He tried both ways: human sperm in monkeys (I'll let that visual sink in) and monkey sperm in humans (no visual - he injected it. OK, there may be a visual as to how he got the monkey sperm. There may also be a pretty good 'spank the monkey' joke here.) Either way, this is a great story.

Now, the nominees that did not win:

Stupid Kiwis: A group of 40 people dressed like Santa went on some kind of "rampage" around Auckland pissing on cars and throwing beer bottles. Why? My guess was because they realized that they are the bastard step-child of a former prison colony. Unfortunately I read the article and found out that they were protesting the commercialization of Christmas. How does that make any sense? Some of the drunk Santas said that this was part of a worldwide movement called Santarchy. I guess there are douchebags all over the world.

Santa robs a bank: Speaking of backwards ass places where only criminals live, this story comes from Dallas, Texas. So this guy robs a bank wearing a Santa suit. Two things I like about this story. First, he never even showed the gun he claimed to have. This, to me, says there was no gun. If I were the teller I would have at least said "Dude, seriously, you don't have a gun. I'll be glad to help you out, but you have to show me the gun first - that's how a robbery works." Second, the guy cut eye holes in the Santa hat so he could pull the hat over his face. How can a robber make this type of plan and take himself seriously?

Vietnam: Not the whole country, just this hotel that built a Christmas tree out of beer bottles. This type of thing was barely funny in your college dorm, let alone a hotel where people expect a little class. Well, at least they used Heineken instead of Natty Light. (The link to this story opens up about 5 pop-up windows on your computer if you don't have a blocker, but if you want to read more here is the link.)

Raymond Burke (Catholic Archbishop): Hear me out before you get crazy on me here. I am not anti-Catholic, in fact I am marrying a nice Irish Catholic girl. BUT, this one is a bit much. A Catholic Church in St. Louis has been battling their local diocese over how their church is run. The church in question wants to keep running their finances (some $9.5 million in assets) how they have been for over 100 years and the diocese wants them to follow a legal structure more like the other churches in the diocese. At this point, I'm still on the side of the diocese because I feel like if you are going to use the name Catholic you should follow their rules. Since this church in St.Louis decided to stick to their guns, their priests were removed and excommunicated. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. The priests hold a mass anyways, which the archbishop calls "illicit" and warns anybody attending that they are committing a "mortal sin." A mortal sin is the kind where, if you don't repent before you die, you will go to hell (according to those that believe in such matters - like me, sort of). Other mortal sins: murder and adultery. Well, the last I heard mortal sins were supposed to be sins where you know its wrong, you mean to commit the sin, and it is a "grave matter." I guess going to an excommunicated priest is a grave matter. Who knows, but since when do you go to hell because you did go to mass.

Bloody Christmas: This is another wonderful attempt to protest the commercialization of Christmas. These people in New York made a Christmas display featuring Santa holding some severed heads. These douchebags need to meet with the Santarchy people, get drunk, and cut their own heads off. I mean, I'm a little bothered by the commercialization of Christmas too, but I protest it by not putting up stupid decorations like those giant inflatable snowglobes.

And the winner is...
John Gibson: This FoxNews host is one of the giant assclowns instigating this whole "There's a war on Christmas" horseshit. He even wrote a book about it. And some people bought the book and read it. No, seriously, they did. And they read it as a serious piece of journalism. In any case, he had some guy from Americans United for Separation of Church and State on his show. This guy called bullshit on John and John went crazy. It turns out that many of the cases that Gibson sited from the "War on Christmas" were pretty much made up. Watch the video at the link. Its freakin' awesome. Gibson even tells the guy that is backing him up to "pipe down."


So there you have it. I guess this is like my Christmas present to anybody who reads this, which means I get to keep the bottles of wine and gift cards that I bought for y'all. Not really. But, to make your Christmas a little brighter, here is a story about somebody doing something nice for Christmas. This guy dressed up as Santa and put money on people's windshields when he saw that they had a parking ticket. His little note said: Don't let this ticket spoil your Christmas. Here's #30 to pay it off. Merry Christmas - Parking Ticket Santa. Aw, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That may also be from the six-pack of Kona Fire Rock Pale Ale I drank last night when I got home.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!