The "Winner" of the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Year Award

I actually gave this more thought than I should have. Pete and Lauri argued that the person(s) that broke into my truck were the clear winners, but I feel that this award should think bigger. Besides, those twats have to live with themselves. Their crimes may not effect them now, but at some point it will hit them that they no longer have souls. My winner, on the other hand, gave up the concern of having a soul a long time ago.

First, I would have to say that George Allen, Ted Stevens, and Curtis Gokey get 3rd - 5th respectiviely. I think, like the car burglars, that they will get some punishment in the end. Pat Robertson, although an incredible douchebag, is really in line for a lifetime achievement award and I already named the award after him. However, if, God willing, Ann Coulter can't live up to the duties of the job, Pat will have to step up.

So I am giving the first ever Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Year Award to Ann Coulter. The more I thought about it, the more I realized 4 things: #1: Although her hateful comments won her the nomination, this nomination was inevitable #2: All of her books have subtitles that rag on liberals (at least Al Franken rags on specific conservatives, not all of them in general) and that idea got old after the first book. #3: I think she goes overboard on purpose just for the attention - which is really annoying and #4: The things she writes makes me feel like she is oblivious to the world around her and she thinks that people are too stupid to figure her out. Unfortunately, most of them are.

Open House

For those in the Pasadena area: We are having an Open House type gathering tomorrow at our place. There will be drinks of all shapes and sizes (wine, beer, spirits, regular and blood-orange mimosas), snacks, and possibly chili. Call for directions. If you don't have my phone number, click on my profile and e-mail me for directions. I suppose USC fans can come as well.

Douchebag of the Year finalists

I've narrowed my choices down to five after skimming off the "cream of the crap." I eliminated short-list nominees for several reasons: 1. I wanted a winner with an actual name. 2. I eliminated people that were just plain stupid and whose actions resulted in consequences that they could not foresee in their stupidity. 3. People who were just flat-out cruel more than they were douchebags.

Here are the 5 finalists and explanations why they survived the cut:

Curtis Gokey for suing the city of Lodi for damages done his truck after he backed the city's truck into it. I mean, its one thing to do what he did, but how can he actually think that the city would pay for that? Its because our society has created victims and Curtis wants a free lunch.

Ann Coulter for her lovely hateful comments like "Hollywood feels that it has done enough for the blacks" and calling homosexuality "the love that won't shut up." Also, she really earned this honor with the coinage of the term "gaysian". Really, more anything she gets this because I really think she believes what she says and doesn't see how absolutely retarded it sounds. Maybe there should be an honorable mention for any of the millions of douchebags out there that buy into the fecal matter that spew forth from her equine face.

Pat Robertson. What can I say about good ol' Pat? Whether its his claim that he can leg-press 2000 pounds or the many many many times he has tasted the sweet taste of his patent leather shoes, how does he not end up a finalist?

George Allen is an easy pick since he is one of the few people in the 21st century that can be proud of the fact that he blew his entire career by using an obscure French racial epithet. From Presidential hopeful to hopeless racist in about 3 months - sounds like a douchebag to me.

Finally, Ted Stevens. Maybe he is so old that he forgot that the internet existed. However, the first real direct victim of bloggers had to face the fact that he was holding back a very popular bill just to protect his own as. Plus, it contributed greatly to all of us winning Time magazine's person of the year.

Any input is of course welcome. The final winner will be announced Sunday.

Gerald Ford

In the comments of my last post Pete asked about Gerald Ford's legacy. Unfortunately, I think his legacy will be that he was not elected to the position and that he pardoned Nixon. Maybe that's what it should be in regards to the Presidency. I mean, he came in at a pretty tough time with having just got out of Vietnam, Watergate, and there was serious problems with inflation. However, it would have been easy enough to decline. He took over a tough job at a tough time, made some gutsy decisions and a lot of vetoes, so I think he deserves some credit.

However, Ford was a long-serving member of Congress before becoming President. Before replacing Agnew (then Nixon) he was well on his way to being Speaker of the House. There, I think he will be remembered for his strong bipartisanship and honesty. I think that honesty is why people liked him as a person. He also served on the Warren Commission to investigate Kennedy's Assassination.

Oddly enough, I think many Americans will remember him as a klutz thanks to Chevy Chase's portrayals of him on Saturday Night Live. Really though, he was a good athlete at Michigan (Go Blue!).

I, however, would like to think that his legacy will be based on his appearance on the Simpsons.

Things I found in my truck

Today was my semi-annual "Clean Shit out of my truck" Day. Anyone who says that they have an extended cab truck for the extra seats are kidding themselves. I'm not talking about those big-ass trucks with four doors for people who don't care about the environment or who need to compensate for the lack of "extension" in other areas. My truck has these little fold-down seats (that have never been folded down) that are more narrow than seats at the Rose Bowl. In other words, not built to fit an adult human ass. Therefore, this area has become a sort-of storage facility for things that are in a transitional period between two places - either from my apartment to work or from useful to trash.

So here is a list of things that I found in my truck this morning:

My 2005 MLS Cup Champions Galaxy hat
2 pairs of underwear
1 pair of pants
1 Galaxy t-shirt that I thought was lost
1 tie clip that I replaced 3 months ago
2 Beastie Boys posters (that are up for grabs)
1 world map (that will be going to school)
3 pairs of shoes
9 Galaxy ticket stubs
1 bag of Blue Plastic Cups
1 bag of napkins
3 unopened bottles of Diet Coke
4 half-empty bottles of water
1 Star Wars: Episode 1 poster (little Anakin with Darth Vader shadow - also up for grabs)
my tube of posters from college (2 Trainspotting, various Sierra Nevada, 2 Rage Against the Machine, 1 Swingers, maybe others - also up for grabs)
1 pair of Adidas shinguards
2 soccer balls
many pieces of sharp glass left over from various break-ins
1 big mag flashlight
1 first aid kit
2 car-size toolkits
1 phone book
1 box of 3-inch drywall screws

I think that's it.

2006 Douchebag of the Year

There really isn't much to this. Below you will find a review of the weekly winners from 2006. (By review I mean that I cut-and-pasted the winners from the various weeks that I actually wrote something.) I will accept any comments as votes for one person in particular or separate nominations. I will announce a winner and my reasons later this week.

My criteria:
1. Just how stupid was the act committed?
2. Could common sense have prevented the action?
3. How hard did I laugh when I read it?
4. How much hatred for the person wells up from the deepest depths of my soul?

The nominees:

About 50 people in Bakersfield; From the city that brought us the monkey that tore off his former owner's testicles comes these fine specimens of the human race. They stole money from the Red Cross Hurricane Katrina Relief funds. How? They worked for the Red Cross helping hurricane victims file for financial relief and just put their names and the names of some of their friends and family in the hopper. This brings up two questions? (1)What kind of douchebag steals money from the Red Cross? (2) Are there really people in Bakersfield smart enough to come up with this plan? A suitable punishment for these people should be having to live in Bakersfield for the rest of their lives.

Pat Robertson: I really should re-name this award the Pat Robertson Honorary Douchebag of the Week with all of the comedy that comes from this guy. First, he blames the 9-11 attacks on abortion, homosexuals and the ACLU (OK, he really just agreed with Falwell). Then he calls for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez because Venezuela was a source of Communism and extremist Muslims. Well, I could go on forever or I could just show you this link, which will guide you to six pages of wonderful Pat Robertson quotes. In any case, this time he has decided that Ariel Sharon is to blame for his own stroke because he gave away God's land. Now, that is pretty bad, but he went on to say that the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin was "the same thing." Here is where I take the bigger issue. I was a freshman in college when Rabin was assassinated. This guy started a major movement towards peace between Israel and Palestine, signed a peace treaty with Jordan, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. My guess is this guy was in pretty freakin' good with God (even though he was surely going to hell since he didn't believe in Jesus - that's a joke). I, for one, blame the assassination on the asshole who shot him, thus bringing another decade of hate and war to the region. Pat Robertson, I think you need to meet up with Rev. Latham and blow eachother.

Suzy Collins: Lots of people in recent history have cheated on their significant other and lots of them have been caught. Ms. Collins, however, was caught when her boyfriend's bird did its best impression of her calling the other man. If the "I love you Gary" wasn't enough, the bird began regularly chirping "hiya Gary" when the phone rang. Also, when he turned off the lights the bird squawked "Oh yeah Gary, come get me big boy, oh yeah, right there, harder! harder! Call me Xena! Call me Princess Di" OK, I made the last part up, but the rest is true. What a douchebagette.

Curtis Gokey: Gokey is suing the city of Lodi because one of their workers backed a city truck into Gokey's truck. Wait for it... Who was driving the truck? Curtis was. This dumbass backed his city truck into his own personal truck and wants the city to pay for it. Well, the city, which normally just pays for damages caused by its workers, is fighting this douchebag. I think they need to fire his ass as well. Seriously, does he really think they'll just say "OK, we'll pay you for your own fuckup?" This guy should move to Bakersfield so he can fit in better.

Comedic Douchbag of the Week: Sylvester Williams was arrested for selling crack. Nothing unusual about that. The comedy is in how they caught him. Well, it turns out that he was a very enterprising crack dealer and so he had made some business cards that ended up in the hands of the police, who called in an order and arrested him. The slogan on his business card (and my new life mantra): "For a quick hit on time call the boss." I think he was sampling the product a little too much.

Asshole Douchebag of the Week: Bill Handel decided last week that the death of a few hundred Muslims making a traditional pilgrimage would be a good subject for a comedy bit. He created a fake traffic report about the stampeding crowd that ended up in the death of 363 people. When the Council of American Islamic Relations demanded an apology, he responded that he would apologize only if CAIR denounced terrorism, recognized Israel's right to exist, and deny any connections to terrorist groups. Where's the connection there? I have no idea. He's done it before too. In 2004 he said that Muslims don't bathe, hate Jews, and have sex with animals. How is this ass-clown still on the radio? I guess any station willing to put Dr. Laura on the air is willing to accept and racist asshole.

Michael Garibay: For the winner we travel back to Orlando. (How can the same city that hosts Disneyworld also host so many douchebags?) Mr. Garibay was arrested for trying to sell cocaine to a police officer. The catch is, this officer was not part of some undercover operation to bust drug dealers. He was in uniform, on patrol, and sitting in his police car. Drugs are bad.

Vanessa Jackson: (nominated by Pete at Life Outside the Rat Race). What is the definition of a bad parent? How about feeding your kids from the same bowl everyday, only feeding them water on some nights, not feeding them at all on other nights, or beating them with shoes when they try to get food. Maybe you force them to sit on the stairs all day, then keep them awake at all hours, also forcing them to stay in bed until after noon. Then you don't let them outside. Don't take them to a doctor despite the fact that the kids are grossly malnourished. All of this while your other kids live normal lives. This is exactly what Vanessa Jackson and her now dead husband did to four of the foster children they had. Jackson, along with her biological children, deny that these stories are true, but the skinny-ass kids they found digging in the garbage say otherwise. I almost feel bad putting this lady in the same category with the other douchebags.

Ann Coulter: You would think that I am nailing this psycho for something she said about politics, but I am not. Unfortunately, Ann ventured into the world of Oscar predictions. Warning: If you are black, Asian, gay, transgender, any combination thereof (yes, she uses the term "gaysian"), or just a human being with a conscience, you may be offended by what she wrote. For example, she said Crash would not win because "Hollywood feels it has done enough for the blacks." and "Hollywood can never do enough for the gays." She also quotes the award's namesake by saying that "homosexuality has gone from 'the love that dare not speak its name' to 'the love that won't shut up.'" No, really. Then she suggests titles to movies that will follow the Brokeback gay cowboy theme: "Westward Homo," "The Magnificent, Fabulous Seven," "Gunfight at the K-Y Corral" and "How West Hollywood was Won." She correctly predicted that Hoffman would win, reasoning that they couldn't give everything to Brokeback but also saying that "at least Truman Capote was gay." There are so many more gems in there including her suggestion that Al-Jazeera gave a 4 1/2 pipe-bombs rating to a documentary about suicide bombers. By the way, she makes all of these comments after having admitted to not having seen any of these movies. Congratulations Ann Coulter, you are an absolute fucking douchebag.

The winner is the person or people that broke into my truck last night while I was eating dinner at Green Street. They took 3 bags after smashing my window. One bag had an iPod and my digital camera. That stuff is expensive, but easily replaceable. However, in the other bag was the free loot that I got from the Vroman's Book Bus, which was all books and a few trinkets. The other bag had my school work (including the gradesheets for my students' notebooks which took me 3+ hours to do), my planbook, the sample CDs from the book publishers, my paycheck, my $80 UCLA textbook, my checkbook, and really more things of almost no value to them. So I am sure these cunts (yeah, I said it) are enjoying the new digital camera and iPod while all of the stuff that I can't replace is in the garbage. So, thanks...you complete fucking douchebags.

Who else, but our beloved Pat Robertson. What for? Well, it turns out that our dear friend Pat claims that he can leg-press 2000 pounds. I'm not kidding. Check the link. Look, I will rightfully claim that I have very strong legs. When at the gym, I generally will do sets of leg presses at around 200+ pounds. The record for the leg press at Florida State is 665 pounds. So this guy must be full of crap. How does he do it? By drinking a protein shake. No, seriously.


Anybody who buys this video game: Are you familiar with the "Left Behind" series of books? If not, it is a long-running series of books written at the 5th grade level telling an completely unrealistic story of the biblical end-of-the-world. The authors are taking in cash hand over fist while uneducated tremble in fear that they are not going to disappear when Jesus comes back and be "left behind." In any case, they are now making a video game. Not just any video game, but a violent video game. Yes, very Christian of you. According to the description, players will be armed for a military-style crusade to "convert people" by blasting them to pieces. I'm hoping that they go really biblical and have crucifixions, people skinned alive, turn people into salt, feed them to the lions, etc. However, they are probably not that creative.

I don't have time for a list of nominees, but a winner jumped out to me today while watching the morning news.

If you are not aware, the mayor of Los Angeles is trying to take over the LA Unified School District as part of his plan to reform and improve the schools. Although I won't come to the defense of the LAUSD bureaucracy 100% on this issue, Mayor Villaraigosa has showed just how much he cares about the real issue here. At a "town hall" meeting last night about AB1381, the Assembly Bill that would essentially give him the ability to take over LA schools, he left early. Parents and interested parties were left without the ear of the one man that seeks to gain a huge amount of power from this deal. I think that is just what he wants: more power.


Here's another example of just how concerned Villaraigosa is with the views of the people. Just 3 hours before a scheduled attendance at a San Fernando City Council meeting he cancels because he and his people were not prepared for a public meeting. Earth to douchebag - all City Council meetings in this state are public. ITS THE LAW! Do you not know the law? Maybe you should learn the law before you ditch the people of LA for your attempt at running for governor next time around. That is what I think the real issue is. Believe it or not, LA schools are achieving great success and growth. I think there are dedicated teachers and support staff that make this happen. My school has seen incredible growth in the time that I've been there. I think Villaraigosa wants to take over, get credit for this success, and then run for governor.

What really makes him a douchebag, though, is this article. Apparently he makes it a habit of leaving things early and being a dick. The article discusses this memo that got out of the mayor's office to the LA Times last week. There are very strict rules about being an aide to the mayor: always be within his line of sight, seat him near an exit, have a backup exit plan, and always have a packet of Listerine breath strips are among the requirements. Just like a freakin' rock star. I thought this guy played himself off like a man of the people, but to me he looks like a douchebag.

Peter McBride. Now, I am not one to be very critical of a person's reason for getting a tattoo. You see, I have two yellow stars inked on my right arm - one for each of the L.A. Galaxy's MLS Cup titles. However, I feel that my criticism of this guy is pretty fair. You see, he was in the tattoo parlor and the guy in front of him was wearing a polo shirt, so Peter got the Polo horse logo tattooed on his chest where it would be if he was wearing a Polo shirt. I wish it was still PC to call stupid things gay, because this would completely qualify.

Sen. George Allen: The Virginia Senator was going after one of the volunteer's for his opponent and started calling him "macaca" which is basically a racial slur (like macaque - a type of monkey) that is more common in France. Allen speaks French. D'oh! It gets better. His first excuse? Its not a real word, I just made it up. Except you speak French and your mother is French Tunisian. Excuse #2? We call him mohawk, I messed it up. Yeah, they sound alike. And he said it twice. Next? Today's excuse was that it was a combination of "mohawk" and "caca" thus calling him a shithead. Here's the reality. Allen used to keep a Confederate flag in his office - with a noose next to it, he opposed a state recognition of Martin Luther King Day, and wanted a Confederate History Month. Nice try douchebag.
(Note: a lot of this material on George Allen comes from The Carpetbagger Report. Go read, its funny.)

I guess it was going to happen sooner or later, but my Douchebag of the Week is our favorite Scientologist*, Tom Cruise. After 14 years of working together, Paramount has decided to drop Crazy Tommy from their lineup due to his off-screen behavior. What could they possibly mean? His harassment of Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants? Jumping on Oprah's couch? Talking shit too Matt Lauer? His freakishly secretive child? The "kidnapping" of Katie Holmes? I'm not sure why Paramount is so worried. Maybe its because millions of people (like me) will no longer go to any movie with Tom Cruise in it because he's a complete spaz and a total douchebag.

(* Note: to any Scientologists that read this - I love Scientology and I don't think that you're crazy so please don't send your minions after me)

Ted Stevens: In my last post I talked about the "secret hold" being placed on the bill that would create a database of federal "pork barrel" spending. I suspected that it was Ted Stevens and it turns out I was right (for once - my record was tarnished by my World Cup predictions). Why did he place the hold? According to him, he needed to do a cost-benefit analysis. The database would have cost $15 million. Stevens once helped pass spending that gave $223 million to build a bridge in Alaska joining a town of 50 to a "city" of about 8,000. I think the only analysis going on was analyzing how fucked he is going to be once people see how much pork he produces.

Bus driver: So this guy (I assume) tells the black students to go to the back of the school bus because the front is for whites. No, I'm not going back to the 50s or 60s for this winner. This happened last month in Shreveport. If you've read this blog for a while you've heard me talk about the South before, and I'll repeat it: there is nothing good about the South. Why are they still a part of our country? (If you're from the South, I'm just messing around. I love the South. So don't send a lynch mob or the Klan after me).

Our government: First, they have decided that there are no more hungry people in the U.S. Those same people now face "very low food security." I guess people with cancer are facing "low cell-growth control" and people with AIDS are fighting "low immune security". Let's face the facts. We spend a lot of money on things other than food for starving people. Only our current government would try to hide it. Second, there has been a new low set in the controversy over torture. The new argument is that when our government tortures a suspect they are then aware of a top secret piece of information. Therefore, we can use more torture to make sure that they don't talk about being tortured. In other words: they're pretty much fucked either way. How do they get away with this type of shit? Oh, right. They are in charge of their own accountability.

James Pacenza: IBM fired Jimmy for going on sex-chats while at work. Although this seems like an obvious move, its not so cut-and-dried. He is now suing IBM because he was addicted to the internet and they did nothing to help him before they fired him.

Jim Rutz: The title of his article says it all: Soy is Making Kids Gay. Seriously. He wrote that. Here is a quote from the article that really defines his brilliance/douchebagness: "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products." Again, let me clarify: he wrote that - not me.

I Wish you a Merry Douchebag

Here is a quick run-down of the Christmas-themed Douchebags. In the spirit of giving, I will make them all winners:

People like this guy: He went to Iraq for a tour of duty, then stayed for another. In that time he managed to stay healthy and uninjured. Once he got home he cut his thumb open trying to open a plastic-packed computer wire. The article talks about how difficult it is to open these plastic packages these days. Really?!? Have you ever heard of scissors? Have you ever heard of not putting your fingers or the rest of your body in the path of sharp objects like razor blades and knives. Damn, I mean cutting your finger while chopping food every once in a while is understandable, but plastic? "The week after Christmas, emergency rooms across the nation are flooded with patients injured trying to open new toys and electronics." Really.

Gingerbread Nazis: Who is the bigger douche here - the guy who makes gingerbread nazis and calls it art or the people who spend their time complaining about it?

Gay Nativity: Again, who is the bigger ass - the guys who put the gay couple dolls in the nativity or the person who called their actions a "vulgar and unacceptable double attack against both a (national) institution as well as a religious symbol"? Inappropriate? Maybe. Vulgar? I'm not so sure. This comes from the same country who had Silvio Berlusconi as prime minister and whose soccer league was so corrupt they actually booted one of its most storied teams from the top flight.

Christmas vandals: Now, I'm all about hatred of those inflatable Christmas decorations that people put on their lawns (especially in the 909), but do you really need to run into someone's yard and stab the inflatable Frosty the Snowman? Only if you've had a busy night doing crystal meth and drinking Old Milwaukee. At least they caught these douchebags on camera.

Retarded parent: Ken Mott drives a bus and has a long white beard. Naturally, being a festive old guy, Ken wears a Santa hat while driving his bus every year. This year Ken was ordered to stop wearing the hat because a parent called and complained because their kid, who does not believe in Santa, was bothered by the hat. Well, is your kid bothered by getting his ass kicked every day for the rest of his life? Because that is what is going to happen if you keep that shit up.

Happy Christmas!

(Oh, and there will be a Douchebag of the Year Award posted in the next week or two.)

There's a new sex machine in heaven

Today is a sad day. The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, died this morning from pneumonia. Everyone should have a drink and do something naughty in his honor tonight.

Right-wing desperation

This got e-mailed today to me and I thought it showed just how desperate some people on the right are willing to go to discredit Barack Obama. The article is by a conservative blogger named Debbie Schlussel. In the article she makes a few points about why she thinks we should not trust Obama:

1. His middle name, Hussein, comes from his father. His father is Muslim. In Muslim law, if your father is Muslim so are you, no matter what you say. Therefore, we can't trust him because, and I quote "once a Muslim, always a Muslim."

2. He went to a Muslim school for 2 years while living in Indonesia.

3. Obama has drawn a closer connection to his Kenyan heritage, where his father (the Muslim) is from. Although Kenya is mostly Christian, there is a growing Islamic population that has used violence against Christians. Therefore we can't trust Obama.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Douchebag of the Week - 12/19/06

Since I'm off for a few weeks I'm going to try and be more faithful to my posting duties. So I present to you the last regular Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award presented by the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan. (I do plan on having a holiday themed DBotW)

The nominees:

Rick Lisko: What do you do after running over a deer with six legs that also shows characteristics of both a male and female? Well, Rick took it to the butcher and made it into sausage.

Troy Middle School: Young Ryan Morgan found a pellet gun in the bathroom at his school. So he did what any middle-schooler would do when presented with this opportunity - he turned it in. (OK, most of them would have shot someone in the ass). His reward? Expulsion. The school board justified the decision by saying "purposeful possession of weapons is a serious offense and deserves careful consideration by the administration and the school board." Purposeful? I guess they really don't know what that means/

People living on earth: Another animal looks to be extinct - the white fin dolphin. Due to over development, fishing, and shipping. Yet one more reason not to go to China

This anonymous dumbass: What should any rational person do when they have personal property stolen? Call the police. What if that personal property was your pot stash? Yeah, calling the police would be a bad idea. I guess he didn't think about that or the rest of the weed that he had in the house that the drug dogs found.

La Vega School District: Why can't those titty-crazed 4-year-olds control themselves. Well, this one apparently could not and he was suspended for hugging an aide and rubbing his face in her chest. I'm pretty sure 4-year-olds don't know what motorboating is.

Oregon State's chapter of Alpha Gamma Rho: It was only a matter of time before a fraternity-related activity ended up here, but this one is a zinger. What do these guys do for fun on a rainy Oregon day? (Besides having sex with animals and beating eachother off). I guess they shoot bums. So a homeless guy is rooting through the dumpster in the alley next to the frat house. Their solution: shoot him. Police show up and find 22 weapons in the frat house. I think the solution here should be to leave 5 kegs of Natty Light in the house and lock them all in. After a while, the combination of stupid frat guys, cheap beer, and guns will work itself out.

Rush Limbaugh (link is now limited only to ass-clowns stupid enough to pay for Rush's website) : I really can't give Rush the victory this week for two reasons. #1: Calling him a douchebag is like shooting fat retarded drug addicted fish in a barrel. #2: The winners are way better. In any case, here is Rush's latest bit of genius: He has started calling Barack Obama "Barack Hussein Odumbo" in an attempt to simultaneously make fun of his name and his big ears. That's all he's got.

The Winners: I have two this week. One sort of political and one not really. First,the non-political

James Pacenza: IBM fired Jimmy for going on sex-chats while at work. Although this seems like an obvious move, its not so cut-and-dried. He is now suing IBM because he was addicted to the internet and they did nothing to help him before they fired him.

Jim Rutz: The title of his article says it all: Soy is Making Kids Gay. Seriously. He wrote that. Here is a quote from the article that really defines his brilliance/douchebagness: "Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products." Again, let me clarify: he wrote that - not me.

So there you go. Happy 2006.

Save the Internet

I'm sure a few people have noticed the "Save the Internet" movement set roots over the last year. However, if you have not, you need to watch this video and visit their website.



Personally, I think that if these companies actually passed legislation creating an elite version of the internet it could be considered the most un-Democratic anti-free speech move since China started blocking parts of the web that went against their government.

I wonder what Newt Gingrich thinks about this.

Is it too early to start this?

Dusting off the old douchebag

Its been a long time, but there are just soooo many idiots in the news these days that I have to get back on (or off?) the wagon. Some of these are a little dated, but remain relevant.

Nominees:

Loma Linda (Colorado) Homeowners Association: The last time I checked, there was something in this country called free speech. Lisa Jensen put up a Christmas wreath in the shape of a peace sign. The homeowners association is going to fine her $25/day until she takes it down. Why? They say that the peace symbol is Satanic and/or against the war. Update: they backed down.

Pretty much everyone involved in the Michael Richards thing: He's obviously a douche for what he said, but so are the two guys he was yelling at. Now they're going after him in a lawsuit? If they were that offended by racial slurs, why did they call him a "cracker ass cracker"? Only Gloria "I'll do anything for money and attention" Allred would be part of this mess.

Cindy Streit: You may not recognize the name, but she's the lady suing the producers of Borat because she was offended. The thing is, people laughed at her in the movie, but she would not have made the list had she not sued. Who is representing her? Gloria Allred. Does she really perform any important function in our society?

Gylene Heppe: She is the principal at an elementary school in Massachusetts. The new rule she created for the school? No tag. Why not? They say kids run into each other causing injuries. Well, no shit - that's half the fun. When did kids become such big pussies? I expected at least one of my friends to get hurt during each recess. We played dodgeball, tag, T.V. tag, etc. knowing full well the risks. It makes me wonder if butts-up is banned too. We played a few times with a baseball. My dad played with a golf ball. Maybe we should just put kids in little bubbles until they are 18.

Charles Ruoff: OK, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get some shit for this since it is kind of sad, but you'll see why. Mr. Ruoff had not been seen for a few days, so police went to check on him after neighbors called. Upon entering the house, they found that the first floor, which was cluttered with garbage, broken furniture, cardboard, etc. had mostly fallen into the basement. The stairs going to the second floor had fallen apart, but "makeshift steps" were put up to give access to the top story. Officers found Mr. Ruoff alive upstairs, buried in trash that included bags of feces and jars of urine. Now, I feel sorry for the old guy, but who stores their excrement? Nasty.

This lady: A plane traveling from D.C. to Dallas had to make an emergency landing after passengers noticed the smell of lit matches. After taking all of the passengers and crew off and going through an extra security check they found the culprit. She lit the matches to cover up her nasty farts.

Newt Gingrich: Newty came in a close second only because he said something stupid while the winners did (and are doing) something stupid. In a speech last week, Gingrich suggested that we would need "need a different set of rules" about free speech when going after terrorists. Essentially, he wants to place tighter regulations on the internet and stop people from talking about terrorism. Where did he give this speech? At a ceremony honoring people that have fought to protect free speech. Classy.

The winner:

Our government: First, they have decided that there are no more hungry people in the U.S. Those same people now face "very low food security." I guess people with cancer are facing "low cell-growth control" and people with AIDS are fighting "low immune security". Let's face the facts. We spend a lot of money on things other than food for starving people. Only our current government would try to hide it. Second, there has been a new low set in the controversy over torture. The new argument is that when our government tortures a suspect they are then aware of a top secret piece of information. Therefore, we can use more torture to make sure that they don't talk about being tortured. In other words: they're pretty much fucked either way. How do they get away with this type of shit? Oh, right. They are in charge of their own accountability.

Move over Hillary...

I wonder if they would run as Democrats or Republicans?

Golden Dollar update

First, there have been a few more cases of people accepting the golden dollar from me without hesitation. The homeless guy outside of a wedding, the waitress at the Tartan (a really cool place in Redlands that's all dark inside with red leather seats etc. - very loungy and they have great burgers), and the school cafeteria. However, one thing that I have discovered is that I really don't use dollars that much as it is. My supply of 40 or so golden dollars is just now dwindling and that includes Amanda's use of them for parking. I use two coins for a coffee from Starbucks maybe twice a week, but outside of that I use my check card when grocery shopping or dining out and for most other purchases. Still, I try to keep five of them in my pocket at all times and its not nearly as annoying as people argue.

Second, there is another group that is clearly in favor of my mission: the blind. You see, blind people can't tell the difference between the different bills. One solution is creating bills of different size. However, I think that using dollar coins will limit their stress. I'm just looking out for the blind.

Finally, although I have only been on this quest for a short time, it seems that I have already achieved great success. Starting in 2007, the U.S. government will begin releasing new dollar coins. In the same spirit as the new quarters, they will release 4 each year - with the faces of each of our presidents. I hope that this will make the dollar coins more prevalent in circulation. Now, I'm not going to take too much credit for this, but it doesn't really seem like a coincidence.

Meerkats

This past Friday I took a visit to the Fellow Earthlings Wildlife Center in Morongo Valley, CA. There are only 9 animals that currently call the center home: one small very tame rooster, one giant dog, and seven incredibly cute meerkats. Here are some pictures from our trip.


This is a meerkat. Again, cute. Their habit of standing allows them to have a better view of possible predators, especially over the tall grasses of the Kalahari.

Up-close view of a meerkat's face. Still pretty cute. The dark color around their eyes allows them to stare right into the sun to see predators. They can also send extra blood to their ears, causing their ears to swell and keep dirt out when they dig, which they do pretty much all of the time.

This is my hand with a little mealworm in it. That's what they eat for the most part. However, it turns out that zoos feed them something called Nebraska Meat mix (or something like that) which is ground up meat from various animals. Meerkats in most zoos live 5-6 years. Meerkats at the center live over 12 years. Its pretty sad.

Pete and Lauri feeding meerkats. They look really friendly, but this pair went inside of a box and stayed there once we ran out of worms for them. This was in the first enclosure. One of the first that they built. The box that they went into is heated to help them during cold nights, but also serves as a refuge from weather and predators as well as a quick way to evacuate them in a fire or flood - the center has had a good deal of the former.

I'm not sure what to say about this picture except that its funny. Meerkats love the sun and spend a lot of time warming themselves in the sun. They have dark skin under their fur which allows them to absorb more heat and keep warm during cold desert nights.

Another good picture of a meerkat sunning. I was really worried that these meerkats would not do the standing since they are in captivity and really have no need to fear predators. However, Pam, who runs the center, does a really good job keeping them in as natural of an environment as possible.

Here's me with a meerkat. They actually don't like to be petted too much, but they'll let you pick them up if you've got a gloveful of worms. Over my right shoulder is the world's largest dog. I thought that he ("Jake") was a lab, but he's not. Unfortunately, I forgot what he really is. What he is thought, is a great dog.

Here's my lovely wife with a meerkat. Despite what Pete told her, they did not go crazy and jump on her face and scratch her. They could easily scratch the hell out of you because they have really long nails for digging and they are pretty strong for their size.

This is Cogburn. He looks small like a chicken, but he's a rooster. You can kind of see his gigantic claws just below my left wrist. You wouldn't know it by his peaceful nature, but Cogburn was raised for cockfighting. Pam bought him for $2 from a sketchy character and ended his fighting career.

My favorite picture from the weekend. This was a really great experience and a wonderful gift from a pretty good wife. Although they are very cute, these animals are not good pets as they like to dig and are very territorial. You need to have a license to keep them, and that license is very very very difficult to get. I recommend this experience to anyone. I will be going back again sometime in the next year. For more info, visit the center's website that I linked to at the top of the page. Or you could just type in meerkats.com

Being nice

Did you know that there was a giant hurricane that totally destroyed a good part of southern Louisiana and other parts of the Gulf Coast? Well, the President apparently didn't know either, so don't feel bad.

Although tragic events like Hurricane Katrina make a huge impression on all of us for the time shortly after they happen, we are quick to forget that they have long-lasting impact on those directly effected by the event. In this case there are still people struggling to survive in that part of the country. We also often forget that many of the victims are children.

That lady in the picture is my Aunt Megan. You may know her from some 1-800-DENTIST commercials back in the early 90s (I think). Well, besides planning big events for big companies and hooking me up with free tickets to Beck, she also has been working with/for a group that does art therapy for kids effected by Hurricane Katrina. This is the website. Go check it out. There are pictures done by the kids that they are working with which are totally heartbreaking. While you're there, drop them a donation. Its a good cause. Plus, if you give $100 or more you can say that you did more than the government.

Things to be happy about today

1. The Democrats took the House
2. The Democrats probably got the Senate
3. Donald Rumsfeld resigned
4. Beer is widely available at local convenience and grocery stores
5. Friday is a holiday
6. Thanksgiving is coming soon
7. Liverpool v. Arsenal Sunday = breakfast at Lucky's (and a 3-1 victory for the Reds)
8. although it was hotter than shit today, winter weather is coming
9. only 1 more wedding to go
10. November 25th visit to the meerkats

Places that accepted my Sacagawea dollar: Starbucks, soda machine at school

Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan California Voters Guide Part 2

Prop 87: The oil tax
So we've probably seen the most publicity for this proposition including former president Clinton supporting it. Essentially, this would place and additional tax on oil "produced" in California. The tax could be as little as 1.5% and as much as 6%, depending on the cost of a barrel of oil. This would go towards programs encouraging the use of alternative energy sources. The tax would be in place until they got $4 billion for these programs. Under the law, producers would not be allowed to pass the cost of this tax onto consumers
My Vote: NO. Although I like where this law is going, it doesn't really make a lot of sense. First, how do you keep producers from passing the cost on to the consumers (that's us)? Well, in section 42004(c) says that "the board shall investigate whether a producer, first purchaser, or subsequent purchaser has attempted to gouge consumers by using the assessment as a pretext to materially raise the price of oil, gasoline or diesel fuel." That's it: investigate. No "if oil companies are gouging consumers their testicles will be summarily chopped off and deep fried in a vat of old peanut oil and served to ferrel cats". And that's my real problem. Unless there is some real threat, these costs will be passed on to the buyer. I know this because oil companies are blaming the cost of oil for high prices while they're raking in record profits every quarter. Second, the ads are absolutely true: there is no required results. They have to issue reports and hold public meetings, but really nothing else. Finally, if you read the state legislative analysts report, it shows that the oil companies will actually gain some tax exemptions from Prop 87. All in all, this adds up to a no vote for me.

Prop 88: Property tax for education funding.
This would add a $50 per parcel property tax to give more money to schools for specific programs.
My Vote: Leaning towards no. I think that the small amount of $50 wouldn't kill anyone. However, there is no guarantee that the funds taken will stay local. Also, it looks like there is a special grant for schools that are already successful. Finally, there are so many rules that it seems like a good chunk of the money won't actually get spent in the classroom. I think if you really want your $50 to make a difference donate it to one of your kids' teachers.

Prop 89: Public Campaign Financing
This proposition does 2 things: (1)it creates a new system of public financing that would give a candidate for a public office in California a reasonable amount of money to run a campaign. They would not be allowed to accept private donations except for "seed money" which could only be used up to 90 days before and is very limited depending on the office they are running for. (2) there would be new limits on how much money a person could accept from private donors including individuals, committees (like PACs I suppose) and political parties.
My Vote: YES. I think it takes too much money for a person to win political office in California and too many people are making our legislature the first step to higher office instead of focusing on their job. Plus, California faces many challenges, especially in the budget. A state politicians decision could be compromised by the interest groups that donate to his/her campaign. This bill would allow our local candidates to remain somewhat sovereign in their decision-making. Finally, those opposed to this bill argue that the only thing this bill would do is create public funding of negative ads. I say "so what". How they choose to advertise is up to the candidate in my view. If they choose to go negative, that's their decision and we the voters can hold them accountable at the ballot box.

Prop 90: Eminent Domain
Under a recent U.S. Supreme Court decision, governments can take control of private property under eminent domain rules and give that land to other private interests, such as businesses. This proposition would create a law that prevents private property from being taken for other private use. It also defines "just compensation," which is the re-payment that someone gets when their property is taken.
My Vote: NO. I like the idea of protecting private property being taken and given away/sold to other private interests. Indeed, the cases described in the argument for Prop 90 tell about a guy who was forced to give up his family restaurant so a Mercedes dealer could build a new parking lot, another guy whose luggage store was in the family for almost 60 years was torn down for a hotel, and a priest who almost lost his church to condos. These stories pissed me off as did the Supreme Court decision. However, if blocking these types of transactions is the purpose of the law, why include the part about compensating businesses for losses based on potential profits, which is what Prop 90 looks to do. The example given in the anti-Prop 90 argument is a developer that wants to build 2000 homes is limited by the city to 500, thus he sues for compensation for the other 1500 houses. This is pretty much what this law would do since it defines just compensation as including "economic loss" and setting the value at its "highest and best use".

Finally, my predictions for the election:
1. The Democrats will win the House and Senate.
2. Arnold will be governor still (not exactly a tough pick at this point)
3. Props 1B, 1C, 1E, 85, 87, and 89 will fail.
4. 1A, 1D, 83, 84, 86, 88 and 90 will pass
5. I'll be pleased nationally and upset locally.
6. Lauri and Amanda will tire of Pete and I talking politics for so long.
7. I'll have a few beers.

The Power of One...Part 2

It turns out that my greatest challenge in bringing back the golden dollar is getting my hands on golden dollars. Yesterday I went to the bank to get my first big supply. I asked a guy at a desk if they had golden dollars. He said that they should and asked if it was for a gift. I told him yes. I then presented the teller with a withdrawal slip for $90 and told him that I needed $40 in quarters (laundry money) and $50 in golden dollars. He said he wasn't sure if he had that many and also asked why. This time I said that it was for my wife, who likes to use them for parking at Cal State L.A. (which is true by the way). I guess he also attends CSULA and is getting a teaching credential. I told him that the parking pass machine takes golden dollars and that this worked better than bills because the machines rejected nearly all of the bills. I think at this point I had won him over to the cause. I had previously won my wife over to the cause because of the convenience of using the dollar coin to get her parking pass. I got my quarters, a $25 roll of dollar coins (which actually ended up having 11 Susan B. Anthony dollars in it), and 19 loose golden dollars.

Here's the tally after three days: 35 golden dollars ready to circulate, two converts to the cause.

The Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan 2006 California Voters Guide

Last year I gave much more individual attention to the ballot propositions. This year, my frustration with California's choices had led me to some very simple conclusions. So, to start, I will give a quick rundown of each ballot proposition and then I'll discuss my decision.

The first set, 1A-1E were created by the state legislature. The second set, 83-90, was created through the initiative process (voter petition).

Prop 1A: Transportation funding restrictions.
Right now, the taxes that we all pay when buying gas (about 24 cents/gallon) is supposed to go to building and maintaining roads and public transportation. However, the government can "suspend" this requirement in times of financial crisis. The proposition would tighten the rules on these suspensions to the point that you could, at most, use them twice in any 10-year period. Basically, it makes it harder for lawmakers to take that money out of the transportation fund.
My vote: NO. I don't like the idea of making transportation this huge of a priority in our budget. Maybe if this prop set restrictions that allowed them to transfer money to the education budget I'd be OK, but otherwise I'm not buying it.

Prop 1B: Highway Safety, Traffic Reduction, Air Quality, and Port Security Bond
This prop would allow the state to sell $19.9 billion in bonds to be used on the things listed in the title. Most of the money would go to public transportation with only $1.5 going to security
My vote: NO. Let me make my point about bonds here. They are stupid. California currently has a debt of $45 billion. That's roughly equivalent to 1/3 of our total state budget. There are still $30 billion in unsold bonds for projects not yet started. If all of the bonds on this ballot passed we would increase that debt by $42 billion. We would eventually be spending almost 10% of our yearly budget just servicing that debt. Bonds are a way for legislators to create new programs and spend more money without directly raising taxes. We have to pay these things back!! They are a fucking loan! Imagine if a person making $50,000/year borrowed $20,000 every year from the bank. Not smart. Bonds are a cop-out. Legislators need to make priorities and spend wisely like everyone else.

Prop 1C: Housing and Emergency Shelter Trust Fund.
This would create a $2.85 billion bond. The money would be used to create re-development programs in lower-income areas. They could build parks transportation, sewage, etc. There would also be a home buying assistance program and other homeowner programs.
My vote: NO Again, bonds are stupid. These programs would be awesome. So let's fund them through the general fund.

Prop 1D: Public Education Facilities Bond
This $10.4 billion bond would give money to re-build public schools and universities.
My vote: NO Another great need, but another bond.

Prop 1E: Disaster Preparedness Bond
This $4.1 billion bond would go towards protecting us from the flooding like they had in Katrina by building/renovating levees and other flood control systems.
My vote: NO Do you see a pattern?

Prop 83: Increased Punishment for sex offenders
This law would do several things including: require a lifetime use of a GPS tracking device by all convicted sex offenders, prohibit them from living within 2000 feet of a school or park, increase the penalties for sex offenders, and broaden the official description of "sex offender".
My vote: ???? I really won't know this one until I get to the ballot-box. I'm all for all of the things that this statute proposes to do except the broadening of the definition. There are sex offenses like a 50 year-old man molesting a 10 year-old, then there are sex offenses like a 19 year-old having sex with his 17 year-old girlfriend. The first guy needs his balls chopped off. The second just needs to find someone his own age or wait another year. This law seems to put both of these guys in the "balls chopped off" category, which I don't like. Plus, other states that have gone this direction said that it doesn't really work since the law focuses on people that are not likely to be a danger. They also said that this took officers from other needed areas. However, I really like the GPS thing, and this law makes the offender pay for it. Again, I'm pretty stuck here, but I'm leaning towards yes just because I don't care much for sex offenders.

Prop 84: Water Quality, Flood Control, Natural Resource Protection, etc. Bond
This prop would create an $11 billion bond that would go towards a lot of conservation projects including the ones listed in the title. Most of them involve water.
My vote: NO. Great programs, let's pay for them out of our general fund.

Prop 85: Parental Notification for abortion
This would require doctors to wait 48 hours after notifying the parents before performing an abortion on a minor. The waiting period can be waived by the parents or a court.
My vote: NO. I really like the premise behind this law, but I don't see how it would actually work. I like the opening statement of the rebuttal to the argument in favor: "No law can force families to communicate." I think that parents do have a right to know what is going on with their children, but at the same time I think there are parents that shouldn't even have children. Those are the parents that I worry about in this law. In the end, I don't want to see a girl not get help because she is afraid of her parents. Also, I feel like this is a sneaky way to start moving towards overturning abortion laws in general.

Prop 86: Cigarette tax
This prop would create a 13-cent tax on every cigarette sold ($2.60/pack). The money would go towards several programs dealing with health issues, not all directly tobacco-related: nursing education programs, loan re-payment for doctors working in low-income areas, disease prevention, etc.
My vote: NO. Smoking is gross. I don't think anyone should smoke (except for cigars on occasion). Its addictive, causes cancer, makes your mouth taste like an ass, reduces your ability to taste food, turns your teeth yellow, etc. However, I like to drink alcohol and eat greasy food, both of which are also bad for your health. I don't think there should be extra taxes on that. If a person wants to kill themselves by smoking, that's their deal. However, I also want to say that if you decide to smoke, then you should be exempt from free cancer care. People need to be accountable for their decisions. This law, however, picks on smokers who are simply exercising their right to do what they want. I feel that I have the right to judge them for that decision, but I don't think the law does. On the other hand, I will always support limits on where people can smoke because its gross and I don't want to smell it when I'm eating.

At this point I'm tired of writing. I'll hit up 87-90 later.

The Power of One

History is often defined by the works of individuals. Martin Luther's 95 theses, Gutenberg's printing press, Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence, Gandhi's fight for Indian independence, Martin Luther King and civil rights. Today, announce my attempt to change history.

Just to be sure, I am not putting myself at the same level as the gentlemen listed above. However, I will be taking risks. I may be rejected, cast-off, or made a pariah. People will think that I am weird or a leftist hippie. However, for my cause, I am willing to take these risks.

My cause? The Sacagawea dollar. I have been a fan of this currency since its entry into circulation and was disappointed in its failure. Not only would the widespread use of the dollar coin revolutionize the vending machine industry, but according to the Government Accountability Office, it would potentially save the country $500 million because they last longer than bills and would not need replacement as often.

Therefore, as of November 1, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer be using $1 bills, but the Sacagawea dollar instead. Yes, I anticipate great challenges and a few setbacks. For example:

1. Actually getting enough golden dollars to use
2. replenishing my supply
3. the looks people give me when I use them
4. the extra weight in my pockets
5. the possibility of people not accepting them (which would be illegal by the way)

In any case, that's my plan. If you don't like it, I would suggest that you avoid asking me to borrow a dollar after November 1.

...like a turtle on its back

I normally don't rail on the dead, but I'll make an exception for former Enron con-artist Ken Lay. As a reminder, he was convicted of fraud and conspiracy after ripping off billions from Enron employees/investors as well as electricity consumers. Then the old fart went and died on us back in July before he could be sentenced. Now a judge throws out the conviction because Lay is too dead to appeal. I know what you're saying - who cares?!? he's rotting in hell now. Yeah, well this overturn means the government can't go after more than 40 million that he left in his estate. I'm sure when his old hag wife is lighting her Virginia Slims with $100 bills the 4,000 people that lost their jobs due to this twat will be OK with this decision.

Second, here's a hypothetical: A candidate running for office happens to also been in charge of that very election because of his current job. Said candidate is getting smoked in the polls so he considers using his position to remove his opponent based on a technicality. Sounds a little like Soviet-style politics? Try Ohio. Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell is now running for governor. His opponent, Ted Strickland, is beating him by almost 30 points. Now Blackwell is considering throwing Strickland off the ballot because there are rumors that he may not live in the Ohio home that he registered to vote in. They argue that he actually lives in a condo that he owns - which is still in Ohio. Where's the problem? The problem is that Blackwell is a twat and a cheat.

Slate.com has been running this Election Scorecard, which is pretty interesting. Right now, they are showing a 49-49 split in the Senate with the momentum shifting towards the Democrats. In the House, my count shows that there are 22 incumbent Republicans that are losing or tied in at least one poll. Some of those are blowouts, although others look to be questionable. The stunning one to me is that somehow George Allen is winning in Virginia despite making overt racial slurs in a public appearance, having a Confederate flag in his office, and going crazy after he was asked about his Jewish heritage. Yeah Virginia. Again, why is the South still allowed to be part of the Union? Maybe its the oil or the fried food.

Another page scandal? Yep. Oh wait. There's actually a third. Who are we electing?

Finally, despite his connections to Jack Abramoff and the investigation into his being bribed to pass a defense spending contract, Jerry Lewis is still considered a safe bet to win back his seat as the Representative from the 41st district where I grew up. I warned them. Now it appears that they are going to the shit like the rest of the 909. Oh well, I live in the 626 now

Just Watch This

All I can say is "I'm in".

More than just a bad haircut

In case you haven't heard, North Korea claims that it detonated some nukes the other day. Now, I'm not much for conspiracy theory, but I don't think its too far-fetched to guess that North Korea actually does not have any nukes. I got this idea from listening to an NPR podcast the other day. (This might be a link to the story). The question was posed as to how you can check the validity of their claims without actually entering North Korea (which Americans can't do really - well, government people at least). The answer was that you can test two ways: seismographic testing from the time of the explosion and checking for radioactivity in the air around North Korea. You can get these samples by flying in international airspace around the border of North Korea.

Now, seismic tests aren't that reliable. As Japan found out, their detectors can give a nuke warning when there is an earthquake. In the NPR story, they said that you could actually use TNT to simulate the seismic waves created by a nuke detonated underground. You may say "yeah, but nukes are huge so you could tell the difference". To that I say this: Put your face into a pillow and yell. Its a little muffled right? Couldn't you re-produce a sound of the same volume by yelling softer without the pillow? So there you go. Maybe their regular bomb was not as far underground as a nuke would have been.

I know some of you may think I'm crazy, but stick with me. Today, the AP puts out a story that these airplane tests that I mentioned picked up no radioactivity. The Chinese didn't find any either. Hmmmm... not so crazy now am I?

The next logical question is "Why would North Korea want people to think that they have nukes when they don't?" I think there are several answers to that question. #1: Don't think logical. This is Kim Jong-Il we're talking about. He's nuts. Didn't you see Team America: World Police? #2: If the U.S. and other concerned parties give North Korea some incentives (like money or food or DVDs of American Idol or something) then North Korea gets something for nothing. #3: When you have nukes, or if people think you do, you get to pretend that people care about your country. North Korea wants to be important, therefore it needs people to think that they have nukes. #4: It certainly helps Republicans if we are all scared of another country since the terrorists seem to be taking a break a bit (except in Iraq). Plus, it just helps Bush's argument that North Korea is part of his "Axis of Evil."

In any case, that's where I stand right now. I think we definitely need more proof that they have these nukes. Maybe we should say "OK, prove it Kim Jong-Il. If you really have nukes, nuke some place we don't care about - like Canada or some island out in the pacific. Those islands are probably still glowing after all the nukes we tested out there back in the 50s and 60s." Then he'll have to put up or shut up.

Hooray for Bollywood!

I know that I've posted a lot of videos lately, which probably makes my blog load really slow for some people, but this one is WAY too awesome to ignore.

Clinton strikes back

If you didn't see Clinton rip FoxNews's Chris Wallace a new anus, you need to see it.



Now, you need to see this clip from Keith Olberman's show the next day. Great Stuff.

I'm really glad to see him fighting back. Especially since he was there in an effort to promote the Clinton Global Initiative, an effort to raise money to combat poverty, climate change, world health, and religious/ethnic conflicts.

Democracy Inaction

Remember a few weeks ago when I was in an uproar about the secret hold on the bill to create a searchable database of spending? Well, once it was revealed that it was spendaholic Ted Stevens from Alaska, the bill was passed and Bush signed it into law today with bloggers present.

This goes to show 3 things: Liberals and Conservatives can get along, Ted Stevens is a twat, and people still have power in our country when they want to use it.

Jesus Christ that's a good stout!

Many years ago, probably while under the influence of many pints, I came up with an idea for a bar. At the time, I was living in Redlands. A group of people from one of the many non-denominational churches in town had leased space in a building that was previously used by an unsuccessful bar. (Side note: the owner told me that he had bought the bar itself from a Red Lobster that wasn't doing well, which I think is a bad omen.) In any case, these church people used the space to open a Christian coffee shop, called "The Upper Room", complete with drinks like "Sabbath Sunrise" and a "Moses Mocha." They kept all of the furniture and pool tables from the bar, so there was some pretty loungy stuff in there. (Side Note again: Isn't pool a tool of the devil according to some? Like in Music Man - "Oh, we've got trouble. With a capital T that rhymes with P and that stands for pool") I actually went there one time with the intention of grading papers, which was easy to do at this place since it was pretty much empty all of the time.

Oh yeah, my idea. So my idea was to create a Christian bar. As my buddy Andrew and I drank too many overpriced pints in what we now call the Wanker Pub, we came up with names of the beers that we would brew and serve on site:

Pontious Porter - "It'll send you to the cross"
You're going to Ale (like you're going to hell)
Jesus Christ! that's a good Stout
Lazarus Lager - "Brings back the dead"
St. Peter Pils

Last night, also over a few pints, Amanda decided we could serve Harp and Guinness, although she said that we should call it "Guinnessing a song to the Lord" (like Gonna sing...).

I'm trying to think of more.

And I'm sure this would offend nobody.

Goal of the year - sort of

Maybe the greatest and yet worst goal I have ever seen. I really couldn't believe it when I heard about it



In case you missed it, the player took a shot that went into the side of the net - not a goal. The ball boy walks over, kicks it in, and the ref counts the goal. From what I hear, the assistant on the sideline called it in. Only in Brazil.

No nominees...just a douchebag

I'm not breaking any news by talking about the tragic death of Steve "The Croc Hunter" Irwin, but I am disgusted at the comments made by perennial assholes PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). In their statement they call him a "cheap reality star" and that his death was "no shock at all". I can sort of agree on the second point, but this guy did a lot to educate people about dangerous animals and to give those animals some respect. To say that his career was based on harassing animals is complete bullshit. To say that after an accidental death is even worse. In PETA's honor I will dine on the flesh of an animal tonight.

Douchebag of the Week - 9/3/06

After dropping mad douchebags for a couple of days, I took a break for no particular reason. The douchebags are back, and although some of them are a little old, they are all very douchy.

First, the nominees:

All of us: For paying attention to the 927 million hours of news about the guy that admitted to killing JonBenet Ramsey only to find out that he didn't do it. We suck. (By the way, I am excluded from this nomination because I gave this story no more than 10 minutes of my life).

Americans: So this guy was forced to change his shirt before boarding a JetBlue flight from New York to California because it said "we will not be silent" in English and Arab. Here's a new word for these people: xenophobia. Look it up. It pairs well with "Islamofascist". Click here to read his story.

Nerdy Korean guy: In one of those "he probably needed to die" cases, this unnamed nerd collapsed and died while playing video games - after only 50 straight hours. I don't think there is anything I can do for 50 straight hours except breathe.

Anyone who buys this. No explanation needed really.

Virgin Atlantic Airlines: I went to Italy during college. The 9-hour flight killed me. Although on the way back I drank a bunch of shitty Japanese beer so I wasn't so bothered. These people were on the plane for 7 hours and never actually left the airport. Somehow they were able to get police on board the plane to prevent passengers from rioting, but couldn't get the passengers off of the plane. This was not a case of terrorism either. They basically had to wait for all of the passengers to board, then for a repair, then a spare part, then they spotted a bad tire, and finally aborted the flight after the first passengers had been on the plane for 8 hours. No food, and only 2 drink services. Note to self: don't fly Virgin Atlantic.

Madin Azad Amin: Amin told airline security that the strange-looking device in his bag was a bomb when it wasn't. Why? His mother was next to him and it was actually a penis pump. D'oh.

Alexandria Carasia: So this old lady gets mad at the neighbors because she says that their cat is using her yard as a litterbox. The neighbors end up sending their cat to family because of the problem. Although its a pretty dick move, its not enough to earn douchebag nominee status. Maybe you're thinking she tracked down the cat and cooked it or beheaded it and threw the head in their yard, but its WAY better than that. The neighbor kid, while holding his dog in his own front yard, meowed when she walked by. So the old bat called the police and the kid was charged with misdemeanor harassment. C'mon, she deserved it.

Joseph Biden: In the earliest attempts at getting a presidential nomination, Biden wanted to be "South-friendly." So he bragged that his state, Delaware, was actually a slave state. Don't believe me? Watch the video in the link.

American Family Association: These guys should be part of the name of this award since they have won it before and will likely compete with Pat Robertson for the number of victories. Their latest "call to action" is against CBS for airing a 9/11 documentary that contains swearing. Why does it have this profanity? Because it uses the same language that was used by the firefighters in the towers as they were trying to save people - a little something called historical integrity. I'm not sure what American families are part of this association, but its not mine and they are probably all shitty families.

And the winners (that's right, I could not decide between these two - you'll see why):

Ted Stevens: In my last post I talked about the "secret hold" being placed on the bill that would create a database of federal "pork barrel" spending. I suspected that it was Ted Stevens and it turns out I was right (for once - my record was tarnished by my World Cup predictions). Why did he place the hold? According to him, he needed to do a cost-benefit analysis. The database would have cost $15 million. Stevens once helped pass spending that gave $223 million to build a bridge in Alaska joining a town of 50 to a "city" of about 8,000. I think the only analysis going on was analyzing how fucked he is going to be once people see how much pork he produces.

Bus driver: So this guy (I assume) tells the black students to go to the back of the school bus because the front is for whites. No, I'm not going back to the 50s or 60s for this winner. This happened last month in Shreveport. If you've read this blog for a while you've heard me talk about the South before, and I'll repeat it: there is nothing good about the South. Why are they still a part of our country? (If you're from the South, I'm just messing around. I love the South. So don't send a lynch mob or the Klan after me).