Brief SotU comment

Nothing really surprising in the speech, except this...

Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research human cloning in all its forms creating or implanting embryos for experimentscreating human-animal hybrids

Yes, our president called for laws against creating half-man/half-animal type creatures. I'm really not kidding. Here's a complete transcript from the White House website. Its 10 paragraphs from the bottom, right after he thanked Sandra Day O'Conner for retiring so he could appoint a fascist in her place (OK, he didn't say that, but I'm sure he meant it.)

My other favorite moment was when he said "Congress did not act last year on my proposal to save Social Security" at which point the entire Democrat side stood and gave him mocking applause. Sure, it wasn't classy, but it was funny.

Anyways, I will say more tomorrow when I am getting paid by my school to blog. Not really, I only blog during breaks, not during class.

Countdown to the State of the Union

Well, today is the big day, although I really don't know why I am excited about hearing this speech. I know what Bush is going to say and I know that I am going to get mad about and I know that he will likely completely avoid talking about the things that I want to hear about. He will not mention Jack Abramoff, Hurricane Katrina, or the truth about the NSA spying (which he will call, of course, intelligence gathering or some other less offensive term).

In any case, any of you that are local, or not local I guess, that want to come by for a drink before, during, or shortly after the speech, I will be at my place watching and having a cocktail. Just let me know if I should expect any visitors because I am thinking nobody is as interested as I am. I do have various mixes available for cosmopolitans, white Russians, gin n' tonic, plus LOADS of beer and a good bit of wine. And there will be snacks available.

New Douchebag of the Week tomorrow night.

(Ed.s note: I realize nobody knows where I live, so e-mail or call me if you are actually coming and I'll give you directions. I really don't want to post directions here for fear that the Bakersfield army will hunt me down.)

Movie notes for a Tuesday

So Oscar nominations are out and I have a few things to say about that. I'll hit some of the major categories and some of the ones that I like particularly. And, yes, I plan to comment on movies that I have not seen.

Visual Effects: How do you choose between Chronic(what)cles of Narnia,, King Kong and War of the Worlds? Well, you dump the movie with Tom Cruise, then dump the LotR ripoff and you end up with King Kong winning.

Documentary: Although I really liked March of the Penguins, I think I would like to see Murderball win because it was more original and interesting. However, this seems to be the year of the penguin, so I think that'll probably win. Other nominees: Darwin's Nightmare, Enron: Smartest Guys in the Room, Street Fight.

Original Song: usually an award to a terrible song, but I did see Hustle and Flow. "Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp" was not only a good song (in the view of this middle class white boy), but was the centerpiece of the movie. I hope it wins over Dolly Parton especially.

Cinematography: This is one of my favorite categories because I always consider how a movie looks when I see it. One of the all-time biggest rip-offs in this category was when Rushmore lost to Saving Private Ryan. That was a great movie, but I thought that they often relied on the slo-mo action scene. However, I think 2nd place would have been good for SPR if THE FREAKING IDIOTS AT THE ACADEMY HAD EVEN NOMINATED RUSHMORE!!! I thought that Rushmore was a great looking movie and it seemed like every shot was thought out in great detail. Anyways, this year I think the favorites should be Batman Begins and Good Night and Good Luck. Yeah, I know Brokeback Mountain is also a favorite, but is it really that hard to make nature look good? Plus, it will win every other award, so let's throw someone else a bone here.

Animated Feature Film: Note that there are no generic Disney/Pixar computer graphic-only movies in the category this year. Nick Park movies are always great and Wallace and Gromit should win this one. Other nominees: Howl's Moving Castle and Tim Burton's Corpse Bride.

Original Screenplay: I think Good Luck and Good Night is a deserved winner in this category, but I thought Squid and the Whale was also well written. Other nominees: Crash, Match Point, Syriana

Adapted Screenplay: probably Brokeback Mountain, but I really don't care much for this category.

Director: I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain and don't plan on seeing it. Its a chick flick in my opinion. However, Ang Lee is all the talk here and will probably win. Good Night and Good Luck is the only movie I saw in this category, and would also be a deserved winner. Spielberg has enough awards so I don't see him winning. Other nominees: Bennett Miller for Capote and Paul Haggis for Crash.

Supporting Actress: I saw none of these movies and only know one of the actresses so I won't say anything. I just didn't want anybody to think I was sexist because I ditched this category.

Supp. Actor: I saw none of these movies either, but Jake Gyllenhall is in Brokeback Mountain so he's probably the favorite. I don't see Matt Dillon (Crash) ever winning an Oscar, so he's out. Other nominees: Clooney for Syriana, Giamatti for Cinderella Man (he gets my vote because he's in the same limited looks category as me), William Hurt for A History of Violence.

Best Actress: If Judy Dench was in Wedding Crashers they would have nominated her. I think they just need to give her lifetime achievement and let other people win. This is where I think Walk the Line will get its honor. Did I just suggest that Reese Witherspoon will win an Oscar? I guess I did. Other nominees: Felicity Huffman for TransAmerica, Keira Knightley for Pride & Prejudice (she gets the hot chick vote), and Charlize Theron for North County.

Best Actor: This is probably the hardest one to pick. These were all great performances. OK, I only saw 3 of the 5, but P.S. Hoffman looked like he did a good job in the trailer and everyone else says Heath Ledger was great in Brokeback. However, I think this will be another Walk the Line category. I'm not sure that I have ever bought into a character in a movie as much as Joaquin Phoenix's portrayal of Johnny Cash. However, David Strathairn was out-of-this-world good in Good Night and Good Luck and although Terence Howard has to have the greatest odds against him, he was soooooooo good in Hustle & Flow. Again, TOUGH choice. Although I picked Phoenix, there's a good chance it'll be Heath Ledger, but he should be ineligible since he was in Brothers Grimm and Knight's Tale.

Best Picture: I saw Good Night and Good Luck, but none of the others. I have to be honest and say that I know Brokeback will win, but Good Night and Good Luck was REALLY good. Munich doesn't stand a chance here, nor does Crash. Again, Capote's trailer looked good and it deserves the nomination. What about Walk the Line? Not even nominated? I heard a reviewer this morning say that the actual making of the movie was not that good, which I guess I can understand.

In the end, I will have to see Brokeback Mountain just so I can legitimately say that Good Night and Good Luck got ripped off when it loses, but there is nothing about this movie that interests me. And its got nothing to do with being a homophobe, I just don't dig romance movies. For some reason I just think that this movie is more hype than quality, but I guess I can't say that fairly until I see it.

The real problem with our country

Every day about 180 students come into my classroom in attempt to get an education. Some take it seriously and others not so much. However, most of these students have a few things in common. First, most of my students are Hispanic (or Latino, depending on what you consider PC) and most of them are lower income. Although they are lower income and have the desire for the tangible wealth that they see on TV, they really have no idea how to get it. And to be honest, although I feel that the education that I provide them could get them closer to those desires, I'm not sure that what I do is possibly enough. What gets in their way? For some, the lure of drugs or gangs kill that ability to achieve. For others, their parents do not help drive them to something better. Although there are exceptions that truly overcome their surroundings and achieve great success, most of my students will step right into the footsteps that their community has set for them: the life of a lower-income family that lives month-to-month and will continue the cycle of poverty. How can this be possible in America, the land of opportunity? I feel that one of the greatest reasons is that our society keeps that opportunity out of their reach.

A report issued by two liberal think tanks shows that the poorest 20% of American families saw a 19% increase in their income over the last 20 years. Not bad, eh? Well, the top 20% saw an increase of almost 59% over that same period. What does that mean in real numbers? The average income for the bottom 20% is about $17,000 while the average for the top 20% is now over $122,000. That, folks, is bad news to me. My students fall into that category.

The current administration wants to convince us that they can boost the economy by helping out businesses, the middle class, and the upper class. This did not work with Hoover, it certainly did not work with Reagan, and it is failing with Bush II. Conservatives will lose their voice arguing that there is no such thing as trickle-down or that the numbers show that Reagan was successful in improving economic numbers. They'll argue the same for Bush II. This article argues otherwise. Economic benefits do not trickle down. We are in a period of slow economic growth and Bush has crapped away our budget surplus. Look at the profits that Wal-Mart rakes in. Does any of that trickle-down? Hell no. It goes into the pockets of their highest management and definitely not to the workers. Read Barbara Ehrenreich's Nickel and Dimed to get a good idea of how much this money trickles down to a Wal-Mart employee. Enough that they can't afford to shop at the store they work at. This is the reality that faces many of my students every day. The numbers may say that we are doing OK, or maybe we're just a little slow right now, but the faces that I see every day say otherwise.

How does this effect my students? We, as teachers, are pressured to make sure that there is "no child left behind," but they are already left behind when the government seeks to spend more money trying to fix a country in the Middle East that, arguably, does not want us there. Our politicians make laws because other rich people pay them to do what they want. Don't believe me? Jack Abramoff. See my post on Jerry Lewis. Where is the poor Mexican lobby? Nowhere. They have no money to lobby with. They don't see themselves on the TV when they see the news. The government is leaving them behind and blaming the schools that they pay almost no money for. In his last State of the Union, Bush bragged about increasing federal spending by $1 billion in one year. Let's see, $90 billion for the war in Iraq, $1 billion for our kids. Some perspective: when I was teaching in Redlands, our district had a budget of around $100 million and there are only 2 high school in the whole district. How far do you think that $1 billion raise went nationally. Thanks for the box of pencils.

Until we as a country realize that all of our citizens are important and not just the rich ones, we will never really be equal, we will never really achieve what we all consider American ideals, and we will never be able to be the true model of freedom that Bush claims that we are. Our representatives our completely out of touch with the majority of the people that live in this country. They claim to support the poor, but they say so from their big houses in the suburbs and from their vacation homes in Aspen, the Hamptons, and Crawford. I want to be honest. I didn't have the silver spoon shoved in my mouth, but a lot of the reason that I was able to do well was because my parents were able to provide me with the physical tools for success. I had a computer, a car, my own room. I didn't need a job when I was in school. When I got a job I didn't have to give it to my parents to help them pay bills. My students don't have the advantages that I had, and until we try and bring some type of economic equality, they never will.

I never really thought that the phrase "the poor are getting poorer and the rich are getting richer" would really apply to my country, but it clearly does and there is something really wrong with that.

A mix of mixes

I hate trail mix. However, I love trek mix. The difference? I'm not really sure, but Trader Joe's has something called "simply cranberries, cashews and almonds trek mix." Its good eating. I know, cashews are not the healthiest member of the nut family, but there are more almonds than cashews. I highly recommend it. I have this bag in my classroom that I grab a handful of after 5th period to carry me through 6th, which is my worst class.

Student comment of the day:
Jose: "Mr. Austin, why are you so hard on people?"
Me: "Jose, you have a 7% in this class and I just want you to do something. I'm not hard on students that are passing"
Jose: "Do you think I could pass this class when I re-take it next year"
Me: "Well, you couldn't do worse"
Jose: "I could get 6%"
Me: "Well, at least you have goals"
Jose: "What does that mean?"

Sometimes I'm not a very nice teacher.

What now?

For those of you living in a cave, or who just have not checked out the news today, there were elections in Palestine (which is only sort-of a country since they really don't have territory per se) and the results were quite stunning. Hamas, which the U.S. government has labeled a terrorist organization, won a majority of the seats in their legislature. It was expected that they would win a few seats, but not a majority. They take over for a group called Fatah, which Yasser Arafat started. The story that I linked to mentions that Fatah was considered somewhat corrupt. Although Hamas does call for the destruction of Israel, they do nice things too like build schools. Does that mean I think they are good? No, but I just want to give both sides.

Bush has said that the U.S. will not negotiate with the new Hamas-run government unless it renounces violence. Um...yeah. I would laugh my ass off if the new prime minister for Palestine told Bush the same thing. Needless to say, this could create a tense situation. It would be hard for Hamas to totally renounce violence since their people are also quite often the victims of violence at the hands of Israel, a country that I would hesitantly label a terrorist nation.

In any case, this could make our "peace attempts" in that lovely part of the world a little more sticky.

Things our government spends money on

One of the big deals that Bush proposed as a solution to making America better was the whole "faith-based initiatives" where the government helps to fund religious programs that are doing charitable work. Now, I am not 100% against this, depending on the program. However, it turns out Bush is giving some money to Operation Blessing, which is run by our good friend Pat Robertson. And by some I mean $14,400,000. Oh, and by the way, if you are not a Christian you will not get hired by Operation Blessing because they have a policy against that. That is where our tax dollars go, which I guess is really not much of a blessing.

Douchebag of the Week - 1/24/05

So here goes. Not a lot of time on my hands so this may seem a little abbreviated.

Nominees:

Bill Alter: This State Senator from Missouri wants to ban the sale of cold beer. Why? If the beer is warm people are less likely to drink it as they are driving. Seriously, if you are enough of an alcoholic to open the beer and drink it as you drive home, then you're going to drink it warm or cold. This just hurts those of us that want to drink in the parking lot.

Luciano Mares: Although it turns out that this kooky old man did not actually do this, I nominated him for two reasons: Who the fuck decides that nobody would think negatively of his action of throwing a live mouse onto a fire? Second, you burned your own house down and couldn't admit that you are just a goofy old man.

These Taiwanese scientists: They genetically bred pigs that glow in the dark. Now, that's pretty damn cool, but who really has enough time on their hands to do this? Well, I guess the answer is scientists from a fake country.

Teenagers in Florida and Philadelphia: How do these douchebags show how tough they are? Well, in the case of Florida they beat up a random homeless guy. In Philadelphia, they just find a random person walking around. Yeah, that's pretty tough. I hope these assholes get picked randomly by the 300-pound inmate to be his bitches. The hole he chooses is not random.

Eminem: What's the best way to win back your ex? I guess its to call her a bitch on your multi-platinum albums and publicly wish for her death. It seems to have worked for Eminem who is getting back with his wife Kim. In reality, I guess he just couldn't handle Kanye West taking away all of his attention.

Goldenpalace.com: I will not nominate William Shatner for selling his kidney stone on E-Bay, but instead the nod goes to this retarded website for paying $25,000 for it. Now they have this kidney stone, the grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary, and the old man's haunted cane. How is it these people have so much money to buy useless shit and we can't get enough textbooks at my school? Because people are douchebags, that's why.

And since I went so long without giving the coveted Douchey(sp?) I will award to very deserving winners:

Suzy Collins: Lots of people in recent history have cheated on their significant other and lots of them have been caught. Ms. Collins, however, was caught when her boyfriend's bird did its best impression of her calling the other man. If the "I love you Gary" wasn't enough, the bird began regularly chirping "hiya Gary" when the phone rang. Also, when he turned off the lights the bird squawked "Oh yeah Gary, come get me big boy, oh yeah, right there, harder! harder! Call me Xena! Call me Princess Di" OK, I made the last part up, but the rest is true. What a douchebagette.

Curtis Gokey: Gokey is suing the city of Lodi because one of their workers backed a city truck into Gokey's truck. Wait for it... Who was driving the truck? Curtis was. This dumbass backed his city truck into his own personal truck and wants the city to pay for it. Well, the city, which normally just pays for damages caused by its workers, is fighting this douchebag. I think they need to fire his ass as well. Seriously, does he really think they'll just say "OK, we'll pay you for your own fuckup?" This guy should move to Bakersfield so he can fit in better.


So there's your latest edition of the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award live from the City of Bakersfield. I'm hoping to drag those people back here so I can see just how defensive they are of their dirty third-world city.

Enjoy the week. And get used to my onslaught of politically themed posts cuz I'm angry about lots of stuff these days.

Douchebags of the Week - 1/24/06

I gave the DotW staff some time off after enduring such harsh criticism for their hard word by the "people" of Bakersfield. Hence, there has not been an award given for a while. However, they are hard at work scouring the net for nominees and promised a new award by the end of the night.

Liberal bias in the media?

Look, clearly there are news sources that have a liberal slant (N.Y. Times, L.A. Times), but there are also clearly major news sources that have a huge conservative slant (FoxNews, Wall Street Journal, and now I guess CNN). However, places like FoxNews claim that the media is overrun with liberal bias and that they are "fair and balanced." Let's look at an example of bias in the news. First, read this article from Fox News about the World Social Forum. Now read this article from the Chicago Sun-Times about the same event. What's the difference? Liberal Bias? Anti-Bush rhetoric? Nope. The Title. Fox gives the title "Venezuela Hosts Anti-U.S. Social Forum" and the Sun-Times gives the title "Venezuela's Chavez Hosts World Social Forum" Earlier in the day the New York Times used the same report from the Associated Press with the title "Venezuela Leader Hosts World Social Forum", but it has now disappeared from their site. I mean, this conference is certainly going to draw more anti-Bush people than pro-Bush, but does that mean they are anti-American? I'm anti-Bush, but despite my many disagreements with some of the things our country does, I am definitely pro-American. If that's not bias, I don't know what is.

I'm sorry for bad-mouthing you DMV

Jokes about how long it takes to get something done at the DMV are generally widespread in popular culture, but I dare say that these jokes are unfounded. I went to the DMV today, without an appointment, and successfully renewed my license in about 30 minutes, which I consider a short time to wait. Here is my theory why it takes people a long time to get things done at the DMV:

1. They are instructionally challenged. During my short time there, at least two people got up from the waiting room wondering how to get a number...after having waited in a chair for at least 5 minutes. Others came in wondering where the line started, despite the 3 HUGE signs saying "LINE STARTS HERE."

2. They have no clue about anything. One guy wandered around looking for Window 11. Window 10 was at the end of the main set of windows and Window 11 was just around the corner. Also, there was a sign that read "Windows 11-17" and had an arrow pointing the direction (see reason #1)

3. They spend so much time complaining about their 5 minutes waiting that they don't hear their number called and don't notice that there is a TV in the waiting room showing the last ten numbers called and where these people should report to.

4. The DMV has a special set of numbers for assholes and bitches. These people yell because the person at the window expects them to wait again after waiting 3 minutes to get a number. I believe these people are actually given numbers starting with B since I had #G170 and only waited maybe 10 minutes for my number to be called. The lady sitting in front of me was complaining endlessly on her cell phone and had #B184. They were on #B162 when I got called.

In short, I feel like the DMV has become a pretty efficient place. It should be since there were like 300 people working there. However, I had a great experience there, despite the general feeling that the place was crawling with germs.

My friend Jack...

Time magazine claims to have pictures of Bush with Jack Abramoff. The source does not want them published at this point, but I think that in this internet age it will be impossible to avoid for the long term.

The White House has continually denied that Bush even met Abramoff and, once these photos come out, there will be more concrete proof that Bush lied. In fact, McClellan said a few weeks ago that he would let the press know about the relationship between George and Jack, but now refuses to answer any questions on the subject. (See the continuing saga on The Carpetbagger Report). They need to call him to testify in front of Congress so he can lie there too so we can demand his impeachment. Does that sound familiar?

Bush is a dirty spy...Part 5

Peter at Pete the Elder has offered a counter-argument to my counter-argument about spying. Its really fun to have a good back-and-forth with a smart conservative, especially when you know its all good-spirited. That being said, I think neither of us will budge from our position seeing that we are both stubborn. In the end, however, I think Peter refuses to give in because he is still bitter from our days in high school. He was one of the inventors of Pol Pot Ball and I totally kicked his ass when we played.

Peter asks for an alternate plan to warrantless wiretapping. I offered the alternate plan of warranted wiretapping. However, do we really need an alternate plan when the FBI has regularly stated that no information that they got from warrantless wiretapping has actually helped them?

Someone's got a case of the Mondays

Its Monday and I have decided that I would rather blog than do work during my conference period.

Next week, Bush is supposed to give his State of the Union. So, for your entertainment, I offer you my list of the Top 10 things that he is unlikely to say during this speech:

10. "...after further consideration I have decided to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense."
9. "In 2006, it will be the goal of this administration to reduce poverty in the United States."
8. "Mission accomplished"
7. "...and I am pleased to see Scooter Libby in the audience tonight"
6. "...this government will only be successful if we are able to find compromise on both sides of the aisle in Congress" (also will not be heard in Democratic rebuttal)
5. "Harriet Myers"
4. "Valerie Plame"
3. "...let me tell you the REAL reason I decided to invade Iraq"
2. "Here's a funny story my dear friend Jack Abramoff told me..."
1. "I was wrong"

I was going to include "the truth" in this list, but that is a bit too wacky leftist for me. However, I will be enjoying a cocktail or two and I invite locals to come by and join me on Tuesday next week to watch. I think it usually starts at 5 or 5:30. Remember, I have a VERY small apartment and you may have to sit on the floor, but that is a small price to pay for FREE DRINKS and entertainment.

Stonewall Scottie

What do you think the worst job in the United States is? SNL's Norm MacDonald once said Assisstant Crack Whore. Many people have told me its teaching in LAUSD (not true - great job!). I once would have argued Defense Attorney for the Nazis at Nuremberg or the guy who clean up the viewing booths at porno shops (defined as a 'jizzmopper' in Kevin Smith's movie "Clerks."). Well, the new crap-job has to be Bush's Press Secretary. I mean, you never really know what to say. You have to give press conference's where any topic might come up.



This poor bastard is Scott McClellan, Bush's Press Sec. He has jumped right on board with the Administration's policy of denying the obvious and ignoring the tough question. Unfortunately for Scott, he does not get to have his audience hand-picked by the President's handlers. He has to deal with people with views on both sides.

In any case, one of my new favorite places on the web is the Carpetbagger Report, which has a series of posts showing just how crappy McClellan's job is. I really suggest that you check it out.

Welcome to the 909

California Republican Jerry Lewis was the subject of an investigation by USA Today in which the paper showed that, the day after a hedge fund group raised $110,000 for Lewis, he voted to protect a Navy Project that the firm had interests in. The defense spending bill he "helped out" was worth $160 million.

Let me tell you something about Jerry Lewis. Sure, he was really funny in those movies and raises all kinds of money for MS... (c'mon, I had to go there). Actually, I know a bit about this guy because he represents my hometown - Redlands, CA. He's been in Congress for about 28 years and gets about as much opposition in Redlands as the national soccer team of England will get this year when they play Trinidad & Tobago in the World Cup. Many people in Redlands are so used to voting for this guy that they forget that there are other options.

Why should the people from this part of the 909 Valley of the Dirt People (coined by KROQ's Kevin and Bean) consider another choice? He was caught by an investigation in the USA TODAY?!? That's like being caught cheating on your taxes by the blind and deaf guy that lives across the street. That paper is a joke and they got something on you Jerry.

What will they find? Lots of porn.

The Justice Department is looking to get some search records from Google. They want "1 million random Web addresses and records of all Google searches from any one-week period." This is part of a plan to find child pornographers and limit the access that minor's have to internet porn.

Now, I'm all for stopping those sick bastards that make, sell, or buy kiddie porn, but this seems like a complete stab in the dark. Sure, I would bet that almost 1/2 of the google searches involve the hope to find nudity, but what does that prove? Plus, doesn't the Justice Department have some other really important things to do like investigate anybody working for Bush and maybe this whole wiretapping thing?

Osama wants a truce?

This tape of Osama Bin Laden that we have been hearing about (at least I heard about it yesterday) apparently has some sort of truce offer. According Al Jazeera, the Arab news agency that has the tape, Osama has noticed that there are many Americans that do not approve of the war in Iraq and wants those Americans to know that he also wants the war in Iraq (and Afghanistan) to end. "In response to the substance of the polls in the US, which indicate that Americans do not want to fight Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their land, we do not mind offering a long-term truce based on just conditions that we will stick to"..."We are a nation that Allah banned from lying and stabbing others in the back, hence both parties of the truce will enjoy stability and security to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan, which were destroyed by war." He also claims that there have been no other attacks in the U.S. since 9-11 because he hasn't wanted to, not because of our security.

Now, there are several ways to look at this. First, this could either be the smartest or stupidest thing that Bin Laden has done in a while. If it works out and Bush does nothing, maybe he gets the blame. If not, Osama is still a terrorist asshole. Well, I guess either way he's a terrorist asshole.

Question #1: Could Osama really be trusted? It depends on what you think he really wants. If he really just wants the U.S. out of Afghanistan and Iraq then I would imagine that he would be happy if he got this and would love to get us Americans off his back a little. If he really wants to blow us up, well then we're screwed either way. I must say this though: I'm not sure who I would trust more - Bush or Bin Laden.

Question #2: Is our security really that easy to break? Well, my short answer is yes. Our border has more holes than an old man's saggy underwear, rich companies still hire illegal immigrants without considering the ramifications, weapons are regularly bought and sold on our streets, and the Bush family is still best friends with the terrorists in Saudi Arabia. On the other hand, and this is what the White House's response would likely include, Osama could just be desperate to get us off our back with empty threats of another 9-11. That seems highly unlikely. This creates quite a conundrum for the administration. Do they admit that our security isn't secure in order to justify more spying and spending and fighting in Iraq? Not likely, this would admit their shortcomings. Do they say that our security is tight and that we are safe? Well, that would be saying that we are winning the war on terrorism and any further attacks would cause the blame to fall directly on the administration and its party.

Question #3: Can you negotiate with terrorists? I think large-scale terrorists with more global political goals could much more easily be negotiated with than a group that carries out a terrorist act and demands instant gratification. For example, Al Qaeda would be easier to negotiate with than 10 guys that hijacked an airplane. A group like Al Qaeda is essentially a nation with no home. They have goals that exceed immediate satisfaction and want to preserve a way of life instead of each individual member. Would we deal with them knowing that our withdrawal would ensure them stopping their worldwide terrorism? I would, but I don't think our government agrees. I am convinced that Bush and his cronies have more on their mind than terrorism - like oil dollars.

Question #4: What comes next? Probably nothing. The only response that I have found from the White House is "we don't negotiate with terrorists." Sure, but we all saw Air Force One and think that Harrison Ford can save our asses, but in the end we often do deal with terrorists because no politician wants the blood on their hands. However, this blood won't be as closely connected to the Administration, who will point out that any future attack was carried out by the people who did 9-11 and that we need to kill the crap out of them.

I'm not sure if this whole post makes complete sense, but I may add to it later. However, I can't help getting the feeling that there is a breakthrough possible here, but that our government will crap on it for the sake of keeping their pride.

More to come...

Great things are happening at CNN

Not that this was a bastion of liberal reporting or even fair reporting, but these new guys are a bit much. I mean, someone needs to tell CNN that they still have Anderson Cooper on the air. He hosted "The Mole" on ABC, which was cut mid-season. How bad does a reality show have to be if it gets cut before they air the whole season, which was already taped using "actors" that don't get paid?

Anyways, the new guys at CNN are J.C. Watts, Bill Bennett, and Glenn Beck. I don't know much about Watts except that he is a Republican and was a leader in Bush's faith-based initiatives and I really have nothing against Conservatives generally. However, these other two ass-clowns are bad news. Bennett said on his radio show last year "it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime ... you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down." Whether or not he was basing this on the theory that the crime rate has gone down since abortion was legal (theory proposed in Freakonomics, whose authors are really funny) this is a pretty dumbass thing to say. (Bennett did say that this would be a horrible thing to do). The third party in this "Axis of Evil" is Glenn Beck who said "this is horrible to say, and I wonder if I'm alone in this, you know it took me about a year to start hating the 9-11 victims' families?" No shit. Here's the clip if you want to hear it with your own ears. The answer, Glen, is "yes, you are alone in this." Well, at least it took him a year to hate the 9-11 victims because he went on to say that he grew to hate the Katrina victims faster. Now, how do you say that and still have a job?

And, on last night's Larry King there was a guest that more or less said that Matthew Shephard was partly responsible for his own death because he hung out at gay bars. In case you don't remember Matthew Shephard, he was the gay man abducted from a bar in Wyoming, tied to a fence, beaten and tortured, and left for 18 hours until he was found by a cyclist. He died 5 days later. Yeah, that was definitely his fault.

In any case, I would probably be more bothered by this if I thought that any TV news show was worth anything. I mean, O'Reilly and Hannity are outright entertaining, but they often turn into infotainment like A Current Affair on most nights.

Well, that's my rant for the evening. Time for bed.

(Ed.'s note: I feel safe using Axis of Evil since Bush used it referring to Iran, who we had improving relations with at the time - I guess that's bad news for Watts)

Bush is a dirty spy...Part 4

I've been banging my head against the wall over this whole spying thing. The standard, and I thought strong, argument presented by the right was that other presidents like Clinton did the same as Bush II. How could I counter this argument in the face of glaring truth?

It turns out that argument is not true. Thanks to people that write for other websites and that have a great deal more time on their hands to do research than I do, I can finally stop banging my head against the wall... I hope.

Clinton did order some physical searches without warrant, that I will give you. However, according to this article and this article he never violated FISA since he never ordered searches of U.S. citizens or anyone in the United States after the revision of FISA. If you don't believe me, here is a link to the Executive Order he issued. Notice the part where it says that the Attorney General must make certain certifications (Section 1)? Those certifications include that "there is no substantial likelihood that the physical search will involve the premises, information, material, or property of a United States person" (link here). Furthermore, Carter's Ex. Order says the same thing. So that one's out too. Should we move one more President back and check his record on covert actions? I thought not.

In the case of Aldrich Ames, I don't feel too much of a concern. Yes, there was no warrant issued, but #1 this was before physical searches were included in FISA, and #2 Ames was a CIA agent, not your standard everyday American Joe. Although I realize the slight sense of hypocrisy in being OK with searches of this citizen, I won't give more of an argument other than, "Dude, he was a CIA agent" and show that FISA was not violated in this case.

Finally, my friend Peter did give a good argument in defense of Bush, but cited Clinton's warrantless drug testing of students. New Jersey v. T.L.O. (1985) allowed warrantless searches of students because schools have an interest in maintaining safety and a good learning environment. More recently, but after Clinton, Pottawatomie v. Earls (2002) held that a school had the right to drug test students without warrant because of a school's "special need" to protect students and prevent drug use. The majority in this case were generally more conservative justices (Thomas, Rehnquist, Scalia).

Well, I feel better about this issue now. Well, not better, but at least I feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I am beginning to wonder if all President's in history have been so strongly targeted by their opposition as the current one. I mean, Clinton had Whitewater thing and the Monica Lewinsky thing (which I think was a crock anyways), but Bush seems to have started in controversy and has maintained it almost as a tradition. Did people have such strong distrust for Clinton as Bush? Is the current polarized political environment really that unique? Is the "Republicans vs. Democrats" as strongly fought as "Federalists vs. Anti-Federalists"? Are we all just assholes now that we can talk shit about each other on blogs like mine? I don't know. I guess that's why I have such disgust for both parties these days. I say we need at least 2 more legitimate parties, thus forcing a system based on coalition government. Yeah, I know that I am a bit of an idealist, but I still want universal health care too.

And the winner is...

Over on the Life Outside the Rat Race blog, six of the members made submissions for their 1st Annual(?) Life Outside the Rat Race International Essay Competition. And, yes, it is officially international since there is a post from England. My fiance, being a former English teacher was picked as a judge. I, being a nosy bastard that sticks my nose into everything, was also selected. OK, I'm a teacher so I am qualified. In any case, these are the winners of various awards, including overall best submission, which comes with a prize. This prize can be picked up tonight (or maybe Wednesday night) at the Crown. So here we go:

How did we judge the essays? Well, we both put a lot of time, sweat, and blood into reading the submissions. Amanda came up with the idea for different categories and the criteria for picking the overall winner. I wrote this post, so basically all I contributed was witty banter.

The award for Best Reflective Essay goes to Lauri for her submission "My Friends and I." Amanda wanted to call it the award for being really sweet, but that doesn't sound literary enough. I would have cried when I read it, but I hate all of my friends. Not really, I sobbed like a baby.

The award for Best Use of Descriptive Details goes to Owen. Its not surprising that the one submission from the British Isles involved violence and alcohol. I really enjoy reading what Owen writes because he always says more than "my day at work sucked."

Next, the awards for Best Investigative Reporting and Best Title goes to Pete for his submission "The Mysterious Sunshade Defenestration." Although Pete was not present (or was he?) he presents all sides of this daring story of intrigue and mystery over who threw Alex's windshield shade out of the window on the freeway. It was entertaining, but not much of a mystery since it was clearly Greg. Or was it??

The award for Best Use of Embarrassing Secrets goes to Lynlee's submission about her friend's phobia of paper due to the extreme danger of papercuts. Other possible award: Best Use of Humiliation of Your Friends. I could barely read this one because it gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Almost there. The Carrie Bradshaw Award for A Post that could be an episode of Sex and the City goes to Sheila's submission: "Adventures in Online Dating: a Love Story." I personally enjoyed this submissions due to her use of the phrase "I'll hump anything that breathes" which I will use way out of context one day to make fun of her. (Ed.'s note: Amanda was responsible for knowing the name of the main character from Sex and the City because I never watch that show, at least not with the sound on if you know what I mean.)

The final award, which I am giving without consulting the other judge, is the Award for Re-enacting Leaving Las Vegas. Randy's submission "A Thursday Unlike Yours" is a tale of debauchery and liver destruction that will never be equaled unless there is someone else dumb enough to drink 20 beers in one day.

And the winner for best overall is...






(drum roll)






Randy. We thought that his submission was the most original and entertaining. Although it would have been funnier if he wrote it as he was drinking, we would probably not have been able to understand what he was writing. In fact, I believe he said that he could barely read what he wrote in his notes. Plus, in the end the overall winner should be the person that sacrificed the health of his liver for the contest. So, congratulations Randy, there is a prize waiting for you. Maybe we'll buy you a beer, as if you need more alcohol in your system.

Trying to do something good - revised

It turns out the people of Temple City really care about their schools and teachers, so a good deal of money has been donated to the school to help the teachers that were effected. I'm sure they could use whatever is given, but now I'm pulling back a little on my efforts.

However, there may be a chance to help out in the future by donating your time, which I may call upon later.

So despite my frequent belief that there are a lot of selfish people in the world, there are some good ones as well.

Looking for some help

I mentioned in my last post that I was starting a new sort-of charity project. Well, I think it is more or less public knowledge at this point so I am going to run with it. As a teacher, this situation has got me all worked up.

Last night an arson set fire to an elementary school a short distance from my house. The classroom where they started the fire was my future sister-in-law's room (Melanie). Everything in the classroom is gone. She spent not only tons of money on getting cool things in that classroom to help her little kids, but lots and lots of time putting it all together in the 7 years she has been teaching. Some of the books and supplies were handed down from her mother and grandmother.

So I am going looking to get some money together to help her re-build her collection. I was going to call around, but I think enough people check my blog daily that this might be the easiest and fastest way to get this done. I'm not looking for anybody to put themselves out for this, but I know that if my classroom burned down it would be pretty tough to deal with, but a lot of what I do and use is saved on several computers. Elementary school teachers have many more resources in their rooms that can't be stored on computers like toys, books, manipulatives, listening centers, etc.

So if you feel like helping out, please let me know with an e-mail or a phone call. She doesn't actually know that I'm doing this, but I don't think she'll mind.

A few thoughts on Thursday during the longest week of the year

Why is it the longest week of the year? Well, as the sun passes by the equator at a 4-degree angle the light is refracted in a way that enhances its brightness enough to create a longer day, which in turn causes the Earth to slow its pace at a rate of 0.000000000001 miles per second, which in the expanse of space is a big deal. This happens about this time every January in years ending in 6. If that sounds confusing to you, it should, because I just made that all up right now. Its actually the longest week of the year, I think, because my body is still operating on vacation time.

I got really frustrated with my 5th period today and this is, more or less, what I told them in a very calm voice:

I think everyone in this class falls in one of three categories. Some of you don't set school as a priority because you either don't care, don't see its value, or have some other issue that is effecting your life right now. Others of you want to pass, graduate and maybe get good grades. However, you want to accomplish that with as little effort as possible because your final goal is grades. Most of you in these first two categories operate mostly on the thought that you want to meet your needs right at this moment. "Right now I want to talk to my friend, right now I want to write a note, right now I want to party, right now I want to get drunk, right now I want to get high." You don't think that what might make you happy right now will make you sad later. The rest of you see that there is something a little more and actually want to learn and do better. You may not be getting an A or a B or even a C, but you are trying to get better. Grades are important to you, but so is learning. You know that although doing homework may not be as fun as going to the movies, but that in the end you will be happier in the future when you use these skills. Now let me also make it clear that whatever category you are in does not make you a bad person. You are all still young and meeting your needs right now is what you do. Even adults have moments where they meet their needs "right now." Sometimes they go home and say "I really want a beer right now" so they drink a beer. But they know that they have work the next day so, although they may want another, they stop because they know they will be happier in the future if they get to work on time and get a paycheck. I am saying all of this to you because I think a lot of you are not doing as good as you could be doing. You are smart enough to do better. Once you are done here you get to the real world and, for some of you, that world is going to pass right by you. Other people will get the money you could get, other people are going to make rules for you that you don't like, and other people are going to take advantage of you because you don't even know it happening. Those who take the opportunity that this school gives you and learn to read a newspaper and understand it enough to say "this is a bunch of crap" or "this is a great idea" will be able to make yourself happier. The rest will just hope that other people don't screw you over. I hope that you guys can look at how you act in this class, in other classes, and just how you act anywhere and decide what category you are in.

Damn, now that I am writing this it seems like I said a lot. I had one student stay after and ask me, "Do you think that is why Sylmar is poor because people are getting screwed because they don't even know what is going on around them?" I said that I thought that was part of the problem and she said something about wanting to change that. In any case, I posted this in the hope that it would make sense to someone else so I don't feel like I completely insulted my students.

In other news, I found a few funny things on the internet today during lunch. First, it turns out that the most recent Oprah Book Club book is not exactly non-fiction as the author claims. Although I have yet to read A Million Little Pieces and I have heard it is really good, it is less likely that I am going to read it now knowing that it is partly made-up or embellished.

Also, this Boston Review article talks about the tendency of conservative judges to turn liberal. Its pretty long and I haven't read the whole thing yet, but this is what I have said is my feeling about John Roberts. Alito is a whole different story.

Have you heard about the lady that wanted to be able to drive in the carpool lane because she was pregnant? Well, she lost her case today. The judge was smart enough to not base his ruling on whether or not the fetus counted as a person. He said that the intent of the carpool lane was to fill empty space in the car, thus disallowing a fetus. So does that mean I can take a dog with me and use the carpool lane? You didn't think of that did you Judge Dennis Freeman?

Anyways, I think things between the city of Bakersfield and the staff here at EToWJB have calmed down. I would describe it as a form of detente, which is not complete peace, but is more of a cooling down. Maybe I'll turn my attention to Fresno now in an attempt to insult every white-trash town in California.

Finally, be ready for a charity drive of unprecedented proportions based here at the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Headquarters. I have not obtained permission from the effected party, but if you have not heard yet about this, you will. This is not a matter of life or death, but I hope to help this person out as much as we can. More on this later.

Hell hath no fury like Bakersfield scorn

I also get railed on (although somewhat politely) by this Bakersfield based website. What a defensive town!

What have I learned from this? Don't blog when you're tired and use bigger words so the people from Bakersfield don't understand what you are writing. Again, I am kidding. However, if you go to the main page and scroll down there is a post about Korn being innovative. How can you say that and expect me to not make fun of you.

A Douchebag follow-up

First, as the comment to my DotW points out, one of my nominees was not in Bakersfield, but instead from Baker. Thanks to the chick (what she called herself) who writes on the blog Bake-Town for pointing that out in defense of his hometown. I want to set an example for the current Administration by openly admitting my mistake and correcting it.

However, I stand by my nomination as well as the mean things I said about Bakersfield. And let me say that I am surprised that they have the internet in Bakersfield. The by-line (that's what I call it) of her blog is "The good and the bad of what it is REALLY like to live in Bakersfield... the butt of every Californian's joke." Its an entertaining blog as it points out everything bad about Bakersfield. In the 3-4 minutes that I looked through it, she mentions a heroin user trying to squat next door with the ex-con that knew her when she was hooking, a murder at some shopping center (I think its a shopping center), a CHP officer that was killed and whose case led to some DA getting killed which led to the revelation of some controversy about homosexuality which led to a mistrial of the guy who killed the CHP officer, and then there is a picture of a really big truck. Again, I stand by my opinion on Bakersfield, although this chick seems to be pretty normal. And I was just kidding about the internet in Bakersfield thing. It turns out that there is a Cal State campus there, so it must be somewhat civilized.

Next, another comment about our friend Pat Robertson. Yesterday he denied saying that Sharon's stroke was God's revenge against Sharon for giving away God's land. If you follow the link on the DotW post, you will see that he was not misquoted as he claims. How can I be so sure? There is VIDEO of him saying it.

Here is the quote of exactly what he said:

“Sharon was personally a very likeable person and I am sad “to see him in this condition. But I think we need to look at the Bible and the book of Joel. The prophet Joel makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who “divide my land.” God considers this land to be His . . . Now Ariel Sharon who again was a very likeable person, a delightful person to be with, I prayed with him personally, but here he’s at the point of death. He was dividing God’s land and I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations, or the United States of America. God says “this land belongs to me. You’d better leave it alone.”

I got the quote from this website. They have the video of Robertson's original statement and his denial. If you go there you will also find out that Israel has decided that they will no longer lease Robertson land (for free!!) to build a pilgrim center (?) in Galilee. Oops, maybe you should use your brain next time Pat. No, wait. Just blindly follow the exact text of the Bible like you always have. Its not like it was written that long ago. At least the New Testament was written by people who actually witnessed the events they wrote about. Oh, wait. Well, this Christian uses his brain and a little thing that I call compassion. You may want to look into it.

Douchebag of the Week - 1/8/05

I put the correct date although I am posting this on the 10th. There is no excuse for my tardiness except that I have been very intimidated by the number of douchebags that I have encountered this past 10 days while scouring the internet. However, I promised 10 and 10 ye shall receive.

First, honorable mentions:

This guy that stole a roast and then had to steal a golf cart to get away. Surprisingly, this was not in the South.

Virgil Dennis for trying to get free pizzas from Pizza Hut by having them delivered to an empty apartment. After being attacked by Mr. Dennis, the delivery man called the cops who promptly arrested the perp. How did they find him? Virgil gave the Pizza Hut his real phone number.

Jack Abramoff: Just a nominee since this one is way too easy. In the end this piece of shit will probably narc out a few members of Congress and hopefully some Bush people, which earns him a gold star, at least a tarnished gold star.


You may be saying "That certainly looks like the box for an iPod, but that does not look like an iPod." You would be correct. That is raw meat. A former, and I assume disgruntled, employee at Apple slipped the "mystery meat" into a few packages. Although it is pretty damn nasty, said employee only gets an honorable mention.

And the final honorable mention is actually a DotW follow-up. You may remember our friend Mark Downs who paid a kid on his t-ball team to bean the autistic kid in the head. Well, Coach Douchebag has refused a plea deal and will go to trial in May. I hope they find him guilty and throw the book at him. Pun intended.

Now, the real nominees that did not win:
(By the way, the difference between a nomination and an honorable mention is that I spend more time making fun of nominees than honorable mentions)

Valerie Kennedy and, to a lesser extent, Annie Williams: Let me warn you, this is not a happy story and is not really that funny, but is certainly deserving of this nomination and some kind of painful punishment, like being forced to listen to the entire Senate confirmation hearing for Alito, or maybe life in jail. So if you don't want to be upset, skip to the next nominee. It turns out that Valerie thought that a good punishment for her son (on Christmas Day by the way) was to hold him in a tub of scalding hot water. I am so not shitting you here. At what point does that ever cross your mind? I mean, there are people that might do this to kill the child, which is a whole different fucked-up issue, but how?!? what?!? I don't know. Annie Williams, the kids grandmother who had custody of little Jaquez, gets the co-nomination for waiting forever to call 911. And by forever I mean a week. A FUCKING WEEK!!! Are you insane?!?!? Here's another big surprise: do you know why the grandmother had custody instead of the mother? Previous abuse. You know, they should put a collar on child abusers like this lady so if they get too close to the kids their head explodes.

Trevor Corneliusien: Trevor wanted to draw a picture of legs bound by chains. Not too weird for an artist. Trevor goes to an abandoned mine in the desert to do the drawing. OK, a little more weird, but he went to this same place on other occasions so I guess he needed the inspiration. Trevor bound his own legs. Alright, a little more bizarre, but I guess you don't get too many volunteers for this type of modeling. Trevor loses the key after chaining his legs together and has to hop for twelve hours to a gas station to call for help. Welcome to Douchebagville, population Trevor. Dude, Trevor, its called a cell phone. Even my low-income high school students have them. Another shocker: this all took place in Bakersfield. If I ever take this whole Douchebag of the Week to the next level I will have the award ceremony in Bakersfield so the winners won't have to travel far.

Rev. Lonnie Latham: I feel like I may pick on the clergy a bit too much on this blog, but I feel that the ones I go after really do deserve it. If I could make that horn sound that, to me, signals irony (you know, wah waaaaaah) I would do it now. Latham is (was?) a member of the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention. His big project was convincing homosexuals that they could go straight "if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior and reject their 'sinful, destructive lifestyle." It turns out he wasn't really following his own advice because he was arrested for soliciting an undercover officer for sex, and that officer was a man. (I really hope you know what sound I was talking about because it would sound awesome here). His excuse: "I was set up. I was in the area pastoring to police." C'mon, you know you were after some sausage. That's as bad as Michael Irvin's "it was my friend's crack pipe." Do you still think its a choice Rev. Latham?

Sharon Tendler: If it wasn't for a certain famous religious fanatic, this would have easily won (I hope I didn't give away the winner). OK, you'll need to sit down for this one. Make sure you've emptied yourself of pee and swallowed your drink to prevent an accident. This lady got married...to a dolphin. I don't believe that I just wrote that, but I guess its true. And I know what you are thinking. No, this did not take place in the South or in Bakersfield, it was actually in Israel. Troy McClure would be proud (that's Simpsons reference that I hope at least one person gets). So she's visited this dolphin for 15 years and finally decided to ask for his fin in marriage (that's not my lame joke - its from the story). Why? "The peace and tranquility under water, and his love, would calm me down." Sorry lady, sapphire and tonics calm me down, but I'm not about to marry them. Hmmmm...let's think of a really inappropriate joke about why this marriage happened. Here's one: I guess the dolphin was attracted to her fishy smell. Boo-yah. Here's what she said: "I made a dream come true. And I am not a pervert." Yeah, and Ryan Seacrest is not gay. I wonder if they make condoms big enough to fit over the dolphin's snout? Did I just say that?

And the winner:

Pat Robertson: I really should re-name this award the Pat Robertson Honorary Douchebag of the Week with all of the comedy that comes from this guy. First, he blames the 9-11 attacks on abortion, homosexuals and the ACLU (OK, he really just agreed with Falwell). Then he calls for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez because Venezuela was a source of Communism and extremist Muslims. Well, I could go on forever or I could just show you this link, which will guide you to six pages of wonderful Pat Robertson quotes. In any case, this time he has decided that Ariel Sharon is to blame for his own stroke because he gave away God's land. Now, that is pretty bad, but he went on to say that the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin was "the same thing." Here is where I take the bigger issue. I was a freshman in college when Rabin was assassinated. This guy started a major movement towards peace between Israel and Palestine, signed a peace treaty with Jordan, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. My guess is this guy was in pretty freakin' good with God (even though he was surely going to hell since he didn't believe in Jesus - that's a joke). I, for one, blame the assassination on the asshole who shot him, thus bringing another decade of hate and war to the region. Pat Robertson, I think you need to meet up with Rev. Latham and blow eachother.

On that positive note, I will leave you and go eat my chicken which is probably cold by now and will need to be nuked. Maybe God made my chicken cold because I told Pat Robertson to go suck a dick.

Peace out playa.

What to watch for in the near future

There are some big deal on the horizon that I think people need to look out for:

1. Supreme Court confirmation hearings on Samuel Alito. This guy makes Bush look like Michael Moore. OK, maybe that's a bit much, but he is pretty conservative. Many fear that he will want to reverse Roe v. Wade. Let me go on the record saying that I'm not the hugest fan of abortion, but I am also a fan of free choice. Maybe I'm being naive, but I feel like once these justices get on the bench they will follow the law and not their particular beliefs. I encourage you to read Alito's responses. Well, listening would be better, but then you would have to hear Arlen Specter speak and his voice is irritating.

2. State of the Union: This is supposed to happen January 31st. I may have a viewing party. I know that sounds lame, but I like to have people to complain with and I also like to have an excuse to have a few drinks on a Tuesday night. This one could be entertaining depending on how #1 goes and how this spying thing and the Jack Abramoff thing works out.

3. Israel: This unfortunate fellow is pretty much a goner as far as running his country goes. It looks like he'll live, but with limited function. Although some argue that there will be repercussions very soon, I think we'll have to wait a while before we see the effects of his leaving the position. (I will not stoop so low as to make Dick Clark jokes here).

4. Jack Abramoff: In my year-end summaryI predicted that there would be a member of the Bush Administration that would get busted pretty big. Little did I know they would indulge me so quickly. I think its really funny that the White House is trying to find any pictures of Bush with this guyand trying to come up with reasons for each of his visits to the White House. In fact, if you have a picture of Bush with Abramoff I'm guessing you could get six figures for them right now. Again, this is one that will take a little more time to come to fruition, but there are a lot of sweaty members of Congress and members of the administration these days.

Anyways, that's what has been on my mind today. Well, that and teaching my classes.

The Douchebag of the Week is coming - I promise!!

WTF!?!?!?!?!

What the hell is this??

This, my friends, is a cat born with only one eye and no nose. What do you name a cat with only one eye? Personally, I would go with Blinky. However, the owners went the obvious route and called him Cy. Maybe the mother kitten lived near some power lines or ate a carbon rod or something.

No kidding though, I would love to have a deformed pet. Amanda will back up my desire to have a dog with three legs. I will admit that a good part of it is having a living conversation piece, but part of me is so against the idea of purebred dogs that having one that is all fucked up would be awesome.

More crappy government

This article from msnbc talks about an 81 year-old retired university professor from Univ. of Kansas having his mail opened by Homeland Security. Now, the letter was from a friend of his from the Philippines and was opened since there is apparently a lot of terrorist activity coming from that chain of islands. In a way, I can understand the need to check something like this for any terrorist stuff, but with this administration I object. My friend Peter argues, quite convincingly, that secret spying is necessary and has proven successful in stopping terrorism.

However, I think I have pinpointed the source of my objection. In reality, I really don't care if the government reads my mail or e-mails, checks my library records, wiretaps my phone, or checks my computer for terrorist plans. I have nothing to hide. However, there are people that have something to hide and those are not always illegal. For example, maybe a person wants to keep their sexuality private since they are afraid of losing their job. What if the government listens to this person's phone calls to their secret lover? Normally, this would not be HUGE deal because the government wouldn't have any use for it. However, what if this person decides to run for office. I, for one, do not trust the current administration to not use everything within their power to sabotage their opposition.

OK, I realize that this idea is a little far-fetched and loaded with conspiracy theory. However, that is where this administration has left us. The seeds of distrust were planted in the 2000 election and were only furthered by the outright lies that got us into Iraq. The VP is profiting from the war, we are torturing people secretly, and members of the administration are revealing identities of CIA agents. Why should I trust them with my library record?

The end of an era

OK, its really only the end of my 3 weeks of from school, but it feels like I am going through a major lifestyle change. No more sleeping in until 8-9, no more staying up to watch Jimmy Kimmel, no more back-to-back episodes of Blind Date. You know, I never really took advantage of the possibilities of daytime TV. During college there was not a day that went by where myself and/or one of my roommates watched Jerry Springer. Maybe after 28+ years I have grown up a bit.

Things I learned from my time off:

1. It isn't the lack of available time that keeps me from cleaning, its is entirely my lack of motivation to clean.
2. I have 150 channels but there is never anything on.
3. I like reading. Well, I already knew that but had more free time to get some of it done.
4. There are people that go to the gym at 10am on Wednesdays and most of them are in better shape than I am. I'm not sure why. When I go after work I mix in better with the non-bodybuilding crowd.
5. Lunch pisses me off. I hate spending time making lunch. Maybe that's why sandwiches are so common for lunch and less common for dinner.
6. If you sleep past 9am all of your meals are thrown off. Breakfast is often around 10, which means lunch gets put off until after 1:30-2, which naturally forces you into a late dinner. I prefer my 5:45 breakfast and 11:15 lunch. They make my 5:30 dinner much more satisfying.
7. iPods kick ass. It was on my list last Christmas, last birthday and this Christmas, but I didn't get one. So I took Amanda's since she rarely uses it. I've only put 2 CDs on it because I am filling it with Podcasts. Soccer talks shows, NPR Books, Slate, AirTalk, MediaMatters, etc. Its everything good about talk radio minus the commercials. i just hope Amanda doesn't want it back. Plus its good that her parents gave her a blue Mini so I don't look weird carrying a pink iPod.
8. On certain days you can watch soccer non-stop on Fox Soccer Channel. If I didn't;t have to go to my Dad's on Boxing Day (Dec. 26) I could have watched English matches from 4:30am to 4pm without seeing a repeat.
9. My job encourages me to drink more water. There were at least 2 days during the break where it hit 5:00 before I realized that I had lived on coffee and Diet Coke all day, which explained the headaches. At least I had tons of days at the gym where I got some water in me.
10. There is enough useless crap on the internet to keep me entertained all day. I rarely put in that much seat time, but when I did I found all kinds of cool crap. Like this website/blog where people add in random conversations that they heard that day in New York City or Powell's Books, which my uncle told me about. It is a massive independent bookstore in Portland that has daily book reviews.

Things I accomplished during my break:
1. organized my pile of paid bills
2. cleaned my desk
3. completed 2/3 of my to do list (the section on "minimalizing" went untouched)
4. Read 1 1/2 books (I stopped reading Planet Simpson because despite the fact that it was about the Simpsons, it was a crappy book. The author compared Bart to Kurt Cobain for about 20 pages.) I am now deeply entrenched in a biography about Khrushchev.
5. Washed all of my towels and sheets.
6. Recovered from a minor cold
7. Helped Amanda maintain her sanity during a 5 week battle with a cold
8. Watched Liverpool win 9 games in a row
9. Ate too many Christmas cookies, threw some away to avoid going way overboard (sorry Mom)
10. Failed at my attempt to re-establish my school-based sleeping schedule.

So that's my break in review.

A few things to look forward to:

Over on the Life Outside the Rat Race blog they had a member's only essay contest. Since I clearly would have kicked all of their asses, I served as one of the judges. Results will be posted soon. I don't know where, but I will let you know. What they don't know is that there will be an actual prize awarded valued at over 40,000 lira. That's Italian currency.

Tomorrow I will post a new Douchebag of the Week. I work hard on this since nobody sends me nominees. This hard work has paid off this week as I have a record 10 nominees. All of great quality and a few unofficially nominated by other bloggers.

I told you so

Look, I am not going to talk a lot of shit about USC since I am a fan of neither team and I have no right to do so. However, it is rare that I create a fact-based argument in regards to a big sports game that ends up being correct, so I will point out how right I was. My arguments: Texas has a better offense that will score more points although maybe with less yards. It happened. I said that Texas has a good defense that would focus on Reggie Bush. USC's passing game was stunned in the first half and Reggie Bush was not as much of a factor as he had been in the past. Unfortunately, the Horns forgot about LenDale White, who had a great game outside of one run.

In the end, both teams got screwed by horrible calls and it was a fun game to watch. Most of my friends that are real USC fans were not terribly upset because of the quality of the game. Although in Big Ron's case it might have been the 18 beers that eased his pain.

More spy stuff

At my request, which shows my invincible jedi mind control powers, my friend Peter issued this statement about the controversy over warrantless wiretaps. I've said before and I'll say it again, he is smart and makes a good argument. However, he picks on Jimmy Carter a little bit and that is not fair. Carter was barely a president and was regularly outsmarted by other world leaders (see Mariela Boat Lift where Castro sent us criminals and insane people). In any case, its a long read, but a good read with many citations. I can see his side of the argument, but I stick by the fact that I think there needs to be a little further approval than just the President and one of his appointees.

Why Texas will beat USC...no, really

This year's Rose Bowl is almost a dream match-up for me. Almost. Ideally my team, Michigan, would be playing for the title instead, but this was clearly not our season. So now I get to watch a team that I HATE (USC) against what is probably my second favorite team (Texas). I've seen Texas play live twice and although many of their fans are bizarre, the vast majority are really nice people. Why do I hate USC? I hate them because all of a sudden everyone is a USC fan. If you are a USC alum I have no problem with you. If you are not an alum, but have been a fan forever, even through the crap pre-Carroll years then I have no problem with you. However, if you decided in the last 2 years that you were a USC fanatic, I'm not buying it. I've been a Michigan fan since I was a little kid. My college, UCSD, was Div.III when I was there (we're DII non-scholarship now) and did not have a football team at all so I stuck with the Maize and Blue. But for somebody to jump on board now that they are good and talk shit like you've been a fan forever, that does not work for me. So for that reason I hope they lose. Now back to the game.

First, let's talk about offense. People swear that USC has a great offense, and they do. But guess what, Texas leads the nation in scoring. 50.8 per game versus a flat 50 for USC. Yes, I know that USC averages over 70 more yards per game than Texas, but guess what counts in the end - points. You can gain 150 yards in offense and score 50 points against a team that gains 500 yards, but only gets 20 points and the team with more points wins. And yes, I know that USC has Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart, but I would like to point you back to the whole point thing. Plus, Texas actually averages more rushing yards per game than USC (273.8 vs. 264.3).

Next, let's talk about defense. USC averages a pretty good 21.3 points allowed per game. Texas? 14.6 per game. Have you ever heard the saying "offense wins games and defense wins championships?" Well, folks, the Rose Bowl is a championship. Texas will likely focus on stopping the run, which will be a daunting task. I can hear the USC fans saying "Even if they do stop the run, we have Matt Leinart so there!" USC fans, I would like to introduce you to All-American and Jim Thorpe award-winner Michael Huff. Texas allows a mere 155.9 yards per game passing and keep opposing quarterbacks to a 91.4 efficiency rating (#2 in the country). One example: the top passing team in the country was Texas Tech. In their 52-17 loss to the Longhorns, Texas Tech QB Cody Hodges threw for 369 yards. How does this help my argument? It took him 42 completions to do that. He attempted 64 passes. That's a 5.2 yards-per-completion average. What now?!?!

Finally, let's talk schedule. This is a tough one to tackle since these teams had no common opponents, but I'll give it a shot. USC's toughest game this year? Some people would say Fresno State, who USC beat 50-42. Fresno State played Conference-USA powerhouse Tulsa in the Liberty Bowl, and lost 31-24. Others would argue that Oregon was their toughest opponent since the Ducks finished the regular season ranked #6 and were probably ripped-off by not getting a BCS bowl. Well, the Ducks lost their Holiday Bowl game 17-14 to Oklahoma. Hmmmm...Oklahoma, that sounds familiar. Oh yeah, they're in the Big 12 and lost 45-12 during the season to Texas. I would argue that Notre Dame was their toughest opponent. Notre Dame lost their Fiesta Bowl appearance 34-20 to Ohio State. Texas beat Ohio State 25-22. Finally there are the championship games. There is no PAC-10 title game, but we'll use the UCLA game as the comparison. 66-19 blowout. And it probably wasn't as close as the score showed. The Big 12 has a real title game. Texas beat Colorado 70-3. I can hear the USC fans again: "USC had a tougher schedule overall." OK, USC had a very tough schedule, in fact, the BCS ranks USC's schedule as the second toughest in the country - behind Texas.

Although I am done with my argument, I can still hear the USC fans "USC has more experience." I know that USC has played in a championship game before, but look folks, this is college football. If a player plays all of the years that he is eligible, he plays four years. Most don't do that. All of the pundits talk about experience because that is what they can use to give USC the edge while they ignore stats. Even Reggie bush was not around for the first "title." Yeah, I put it in quotes because, in case you forgot, that was a half-title since they did not play in the BCS title game. However, despite the fact that I think experience is a BS advantage in college, I will give this edge to the Trojans. But let me also say that Texas played in this same sold-out stadium last year against a tough Michigan team, so its not like Texas has NO experience, just not in a national title game. And also let me say that Oklahoma had played in 2 national games (one win) before losing to an inexperienced USC team last year. A USC team that had beaten a tough Michigan team in the Rose Bowl the previous year (how does that sound familiar?)

Thoughts on the Old Year and the New Year

Here are my favorite things from 2005:

movie that I saw for the first time: Good Night and Good Luck
book that I read: Kite Runner
CD that I bought: Thelonious Monk Quartet @ Carnegie Hall
website besides mine: The Carpetbagger Report
new place to eat: Casa Bianca
DVD: Simpsons Season 6
purchase: my digital camera
beer that I tried for the first time: Craftsman Declaration of Independence


Personal highlights of 2005:

getting drunk and watching Liverpool come back from 3-0 down to win Champions' League
another MLS Cup win for Galaxy
visiting Disneyland
finding a regular weekly soccer game
getting back on my principal's good list
getting my own classroom
adopting a meerkat
I think there is something else that I am forgetting that happened this year, but if it was that important I'm sure I would remember

Other people's lists of good things from 2005:

Time's 50 coolest websites
Notable Quotables
Funny Political Quotes
Stupid Political Quotes
Stupid things Bush said
Other Lists

What's up with 2006?

New Year's Resolutions? I don't make them because I won't keep them. However, I plan on improving my health. Regular gym schedule. More vegetables. I have a dentist appointment Tuesday, which is the first time in a while. Also, I need to be more organized. I bought a book about getting organized last year but I never read it. Maybe I should read it after I'm done with my Khrushchev biography.

Big events? Weddings Weddings Weddings. I'm getting married, my fiance's sister is getting married, my Uncle Jon got married yesterday, fiance's friend Erin is getting married, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And then there's World Cup, which is an event that I recommend to all people to experience in some way.

My predictions? The U.S. will stay in Iraq with very limited troop withdrawals. Someone in the Bush Administration will get caught doing something bad and actually get punished for it. We'll find out the Democratic front-runners for 2008 and they will all be crap. U2 will break up (I've heard rumors about the other band members getting tired of Bono's involvement in international affairs). Democrats will make major gains in the '06 midterm election. The housing market bubble will pop and all of the people who could not really afford to buy their $500,000 track home in places like Fontana will face foreclosure. Gas prices will top $3/gallon again this summer.

My death pool choices for 2006? Dick Cheney, Micheal Jackson, Dick Clark, Gary Busey, Vern "Mini-me" Troyer, Sadaam Hussein, Tom Cruise (dark horse), MLB Hall of Famer Willie Mays.

I really wanted to write more in retrospect of 2005, but I was busy watching soccer a lot.

And by the way, the important event of 2005 that I intentionally forgot was my engagement. I'm not that much of an asshole.

The first douchebag of the week for 2006

Happy New Year to the few souls that stop by my little corner of the internet. I went to a party last night for the New Year's Eve celebration, but did not really drink much. My stomach went crazy after eating a delicious and very cheesy tex-mex casserole that Amanda made us for dinner. I am lactose intolerant, but took several pills to prevent illness. It didn't work. I'll spare you the details. After sleeping until 9:00, which is major sleeping in for me, I read the paper and went to a New Year's Day party hosted by a Japanese family. I ate enchiladas. Well, I also had a sushi roll, which was a first ever for me, and a few other Japanese items. I DID NOT, however, eat any of the $45 giant clam that they prepared. It was still alive in the sink, the shell was about 8 inches long and 3 inches deep, and it had a big tail(?) that looked liked an elephant's trunk. Amanda ate a small piece and did not enjoy it.

Anyways, on to bigger and better things...this week's nominees!!

Harold Hart: I feel like this is a story that comes out every so often involving different characters and a slightly varied scenario. Poor Mr. Hart must have become lonely so he, how should I say it discreetly, "had relations" with some calves on another family's farm. Not once, but about 50 times in the last year. Another reason not to eat veal.

Colleen Nestler: She was being stalked by David Letterman and the judge removed the restraining order against Letterman. Why? Because she said he was stalking her through facial expressions and coded words. You really need to read this article to get the sense of how nuts this lady is. One example: When Dave said "Marry me Oprah" during a commercial for his show, Dave was actually talking to this lady. Hmmmmm. Honorable mention to the judge that originally granted the first restraining order.

Heather Brennan and Travis Nickel: One of these two is crazy and the other is retarded, you decide. Brennan is suing Nickel for wedding and other costs after she found out that he was putting boiled and blended rats into her food. Multiple Choice Question: Where did these two live when they first moved in together: A) California B) Rhode Island C) Arkansas D) Oregon. I'm guessing that most of you picked the correct answer - C - because it is in the south. That place is fucked up. Name anything good, besides the Dukes of Hazzard, that ever came from the South.

Paolo Di Canio: This guy plays for Lazio, a major professional soccer club in Italy. Lazio supporters are known (generally) for having many fascists amongst their supporters. Now, I really don't have anything against fascists in general, although there are clearly some that were kinda bad (some guy named Hitler for example). However, this guy gave the old one-armed Nazi salute after leaving the pitch during his club's match against Livorno, who are often connected to Communism (or at least their supporters like to wave Communist flags). What was the point of his salute? I think he just wanted to start some shit. Like soccer fans need another reason to fight. (Ed. Note: this is a joke. Most soccer fans don't fight. Hooligan firms rarely care about the game around them, they just want to fight.)

AND THE WINNERS...

About 50 people in Bakersfield; From the city that brought us the monkey that tore off his former owner's testicles comes these fine specimens of the human race. They stole money from the Red Cross Hurricane Katrina Relief funds. How? They worked for the Red Cross helping hurricane victims file for financial relief and just put their names and the names of some of their friends and family in the hopper. This brings up two questions? (1)What kind of douchebag steals money from the Red Cross? (2) Are there really people in Bakersfield smart enough to come up with this plan? A suitable punishment for these people should be having to live in Bakersfield for the rest of their lives.

And remember: No gnus is good gnus. (Please tell me that somebody catches this reference)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!