Douchebag of the Week - 1/24/05

So here goes. Not a lot of time on my hands so this may seem a little abbreviated.

Nominees:

Bill Alter: This State Senator from Missouri wants to ban the sale of cold beer. Why? If the beer is warm people are less likely to drink it as they are driving. Seriously, if you are enough of an alcoholic to open the beer and drink it as you drive home, then you're going to drink it warm or cold. This just hurts those of us that want to drink in the parking lot.

Luciano Mares: Although it turns out that this kooky old man did not actually do this, I nominated him for two reasons: Who the fuck decides that nobody would think negatively of his action of throwing a live mouse onto a fire? Second, you burned your own house down and couldn't admit that you are just a goofy old man.

These Taiwanese scientists: They genetically bred pigs that glow in the dark. Now, that's pretty damn cool, but who really has enough time on their hands to do this? Well, I guess the answer is scientists from a fake country.

Teenagers in Florida and Philadelphia: How do these douchebags show how tough they are? Well, in the case of Florida they beat up a random homeless guy. In Philadelphia, they just find a random person walking around. Yeah, that's pretty tough. I hope these assholes get picked randomly by the 300-pound inmate to be his bitches. The hole he chooses is not random.

Eminem: What's the best way to win back your ex? I guess its to call her a bitch on your multi-platinum albums and publicly wish for her death. It seems to have worked for Eminem who is getting back with his wife Kim. In reality, I guess he just couldn't handle Kanye West taking away all of his attention.

Goldenpalace.com: I will not nominate William Shatner for selling his kidney stone on E-Bay, but instead the nod goes to this retarded website for paying $25,000 for it. Now they have this kidney stone, the grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary, and the old man's haunted cane. How is it these people have so much money to buy useless shit and we can't get enough textbooks at my school? Because people are douchebags, that's why.

And since I went so long without giving the coveted Douchey(sp?) I will award to very deserving winners:

Suzy Collins: Lots of people in recent history have cheated on their significant other and lots of them have been caught. Ms. Collins, however, was caught when her boyfriend's bird did its best impression of her calling the other man. If the "I love you Gary" wasn't enough, the bird began regularly chirping "hiya Gary" when the phone rang. Also, when he turned off the lights the bird squawked "Oh yeah Gary, come get me big boy, oh yeah, right there, harder! harder! Call me Xena! Call me Princess Di" OK, I made the last part up, but the rest is true. What a douchebagette.

Curtis Gokey: Gokey is suing the city of Lodi because one of their workers backed a city truck into Gokey's truck. Wait for it... Who was driving the truck? Curtis was. This dumbass backed his city truck into his own personal truck and wants the city to pay for it. Well, the city, which normally just pays for damages caused by its workers, is fighting this douchebag. I think they need to fire his ass as well. Seriously, does he really think they'll just say "OK, we'll pay you for your own fuckup?" This guy should move to Bakersfield so he can fit in better.


So there's your latest edition of the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Pat Robertson Douchebag of the Week Award live from the City of Bakersfield. I'm hoping to drag those people back here so I can see just how defensive they are of their dirty third-world city.

Enjoy the week. And get used to my onslaught of politically themed posts cuz I'm angry about lots of stuff these days.