Douchebag of the Week - 1/8/05

I put the correct date although I am posting this on the 10th. There is no excuse for my tardiness except that I have been very intimidated by the number of douchebags that I have encountered this past 10 days while scouring the internet. However, I promised 10 and 10 ye shall receive.

First, honorable mentions:

This guy that stole a roast and then had to steal a golf cart to get away. Surprisingly, this was not in the South.

Virgil Dennis for trying to get free pizzas from Pizza Hut by having them delivered to an empty apartment. After being attacked by Mr. Dennis, the delivery man called the cops who promptly arrested the perp. How did they find him? Virgil gave the Pizza Hut his real phone number.

Jack Abramoff: Just a nominee since this one is way too easy. In the end this piece of shit will probably narc out a few members of Congress and hopefully some Bush people, which earns him a gold star, at least a tarnished gold star.


You may be saying "That certainly looks like the box for an iPod, but that does not look like an iPod." You would be correct. That is raw meat. A former, and I assume disgruntled, employee at Apple slipped the "mystery meat" into a few packages. Although it is pretty damn nasty, said employee only gets an honorable mention.

And the final honorable mention is actually a DotW follow-up. You may remember our friend Mark Downs who paid a kid on his t-ball team to bean the autistic kid in the head. Well, Coach Douchebag has refused a plea deal and will go to trial in May. I hope they find him guilty and throw the book at him. Pun intended.

Now, the real nominees that did not win:
(By the way, the difference between a nomination and an honorable mention is that I spend more time making fun of nominees than honorable mentions)

Valerie Kennedy and, to a lesser extent, Annie Williams: Let me warn you, this is not a happy story and is not really that funny, but is certainly deserving of this nomination and some kind of painful punishment, like being forced to listen to the entire Senate confirmation hearing for Alito, or maybe life in jail. So if you don't want to be upset, skip to the next nominee. It turns out that Valerie thought that a good punishment for her son (on Christmas Day by the way) was to hold him in a tub of scalding hot water. I am so not shitting you here. At what point does that ever cross your mind? I mean, there are people that might do this to kill the child, which is a whole different fucked-up issue, but how?!? what?!? I don't know. Annie Williams, the kids grandmother who had custody of little Jaquez, gets the co-nomination for waiting forever to call 911. And by forever I mean a week. A FUCKING WEEK!!! Are you insane?!?!? Here's another big surprise: do you know why the grandmother had custody instead of the mother? Previous abuse. You know, they should put a collar on child abusers like this lady so if they get too close to the kids their head explodes.

Trevor Corneliusien: Trevor wanted to draw a picture of legs bound by chains. Not too weird for an artist. Trevor goes to an abandoned mine in the desert to do the drawing. OK, a little more weird, but he went to this same place on other occasions so I guess he needed the inspiration. Trevor bound his own legs. Alright, a little more bizarre, but I guess you don't get too many volunteers for this type of modeling. Trevor loses the key after chaining his legs together and has to hop for twelve hours to a gas station to call for help. Welcome to Douchebagville, population Trevor. Dude, Trevor, its called a cell phone. Even my low-income high school students have them. Another shocker: this all took place in Bakersfield. If I ever take this whole Douchebag of the Week to the next level I will have the award ceremony in Bakersfield so the winners won't have to travel far.

Rev. Lonnie Latham: I feel like I may pick on the clergy a bit too much on this blog, but I feel that the ones I go after really do deserve it. If I could make that horn sound that, to me, signals irony (you know, wah waaaaaah) I would do it now. Latham is (was?) a member of the executive committee of the Southern Baptist Convention. His big project was convincing homosexuals that they could go straight "if they accept Jesus Christ as their savior and reject their 'sinful, destructive lifestyle." It turns out he wasn't really following his own advice because he was arrested for soliciting an undercover officer for sex, and that officer was a man. (I really hope you know what sound I was talking about because it would sound awesome here). His excuse: "I was set up. I was in the area pastoring to police." C'mon, you know you were after some sausage. That's as bad as Michael Irvin's "it was my friend's crack pipe." Do you still think its a choice Rev. Latham?

Sharon Tendler: If it wasn't for a certain famous religious fanatic, this would have easily won (I hope I didn't give away the winner). OK, you'll need to sit down for this one. Make sure you've emptied yourself of pee and swallowed your drink to prevent an accident. This lady got married...to a dolphin. I don't believe that I just wrote that, but I guess its true. And I know what you are thinking. No, this did not take place in the South or in Bakersfield, it was actually in Israel. Troy McClure would be proud (that's Simpsons reference that I hope at least one person gets). So she's visited this dolphin for 15 years and finally decided to ask for his fin in marriage (that's not my lame joke - its from the story). Why? "The peace and tranquility under water, and his love, would calm me down." Sorry lady, sapphire and tonics calm me down, but I'm not about to marry them. Hmmmm...let's think of a really inappropriate joke about why this marriage happened. Here's one: I guess the dolphin was attracted to her fishy smell. Boo-yah. Here's what she said: "I made a dream come true. And I am not a pervert." Yeah, and Ryan Seacrest is not gay. I wonder if they make condoms big enough to fit over the dolphin's snout? Did I just say that?

And the winner:

Pat Robertson: I really should re-name this award the Pat Robertson Honorary Douchebag of the Week with all of the comedy that comes from this guy. First, he blames the 9-11 attacks on abortion, homosexuals and the ACLU (OK, he really just agreed with Falwell). Then he calls for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez because Venezuela was a source of Communism and extremist Muslims. Well, I could go on forever or I could just show you this link, which will guide you to six pages of wonderful Pat Robertson quotes. In any case, this time he has decided that Ariel Sharon is to blame for his own stroke because he gave away God's land. Now, that is pretty bad, but he went on to say that the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin was "the same thing." Here is where I take the bigger issue. I was a freshman in college when Rabin was assassinated. This guy started a major movement towards peace between Israel and Palestine, signed a peace treaty with Jordan, and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. My guess is this guy was in pretty freakin' good with God (even though he was surely going to hell since he didn't believe in Jesus - that's a joke). I, for one, blame the assassination on the asshole who shot him, thus bringing another decade of hate and war to the region. Pat Robertson, I think you need to meet up with Rev. Latham and blow eachother.

On that positive note, I will leave you and go eat my chicken which is probably cold by now and will need to be nuked. Maybe God made my chicken cold because I told Pat Robertson to go suck a dick.

Peace out playa.