The first douchebag of the week for 2006

Happy New Year to the few souls that stop by my little corner of the internet. I went to a party last night for the New Year's Eve celebration, but did not really drink much. My stomach went crazy after eating a delicious and very cheesy tex-mex casserole that Amanda made us for dinner. I am lactose intolerant, but took several pills to prevent illness. It didn't work. I'll spare you the details. After sleeping until 9:00, which is major sleeping in for me, I read the paper and went to a New Year's Day party hosted by a Japanese family. I ate enchiladas. Well, I also had a sushi roll, which was a first ever for me, and a few other Japanese items. I DID NOT, however, eat any of the $45 giant clam that they prepared. It was still alive in the sink, the shell was about 8 inches long and 3 inches deep, and it had a big tail(?) that looked liked an elephant's trunk. Amanda ate a small piece and did not enjoy it.

Anyways, on to bigger and better things...this week's nominees!!

Harold Hart: I feel like this is a story that comes out every so often involving different characters and a slightly varied scenario. Poor Mr. Hart must have become lonely so he, how should I say it discreetly, "had relations" with some calves on another family's farm. Not once, but about 50 times in the last year. Another reason not to eat veal.

Colleen Nestler: She was being stalked by David Letterman and the judge removed the restraining order against Letterman. Why? Because she said he was stalking her through facial expressions and coded words. You really need to read this article to get the sense of how nuts this lady is. One example: When Dave said "Marry me Oprah" during a commercial for his show, Dave was actually talking to this lady. Hmmmmm. Honorable mention to the judge that originally granted the first restraining order.

Heather Brennan and Travis Nickel: One of these two is crazy and the other is retarded, you decide. Brennan is suing Nickel for wedding and other costs after she found out that he was putting boiled and blended rats into her food. Multiple Choice Question: Where did these two live when they first moved in together: A) California B) Rhode Island C) Arkansas D) Oregon. I'm guessing that most of you picked the correct answer - C - because it is in the south. That place is fucked up. Name anything good, besides the Dukes of Hazzard, that ever came from the South.

Paolo Di Canio: This guy plays for Lazio, a major professional soccer club in Italy. Lazio supporters are known (generally) for having many fascists amongst their supporters. Now, I really don't have anything against fascists in general, although there are clearly some that were kinda bad (some guy named Hitler for example). However, this guy gave the old one-armed Nazi salute after leaving the pitch during his club's match against Livorno, who are often connected to Communism (or at least their supporters like to wave Communist flags). What was the point of his salute? I think he just wanted to start some shit. Like soccer fans need another reason to fight. (Ed. Note: this is a joke. Most soccer fans don't fight. Hooligan firms rarely care about the game around them, they just want to fight.)

AND THE WINNERS...

About 50 people in Bakersfield; From the city that brought us the monkey that tore off his former owner's testicles comes these fine specimens of the human race. They stole money from the Red Cross Hurricane Katrina Relief funds. How? They worked for the Red Cross helping hurricane victims file for financial relief and just put their names and the names of some of their friends and family in the hopper. This brings up two questions? (1)What kind of douchebag steals money from the Red Cross? (2) Are there really people in Bakersfield smart enough to come up with this plan? A suitable punishment for these people should be having to live in Bakersfield for the rest of their lives.

And remember: No gnus is good gnus. (Please tell me that somebody catches this reference)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!