Casa Bianca

Amanda was told about this place over a year ago by one of her fellow faculty members at school. My friend Bob also sung the praises of Casa Bianca on his blog. Last night Amanda and I were joined by the Duke for an adventure into exotic Eagle Rock to visit Casa Bianca.

What is this place? Its one of those not-so-fine-dining establishments where you will find various beer signs, cheesy maps of Italy, and signed pictures of Ray Romano on the wall. Their menus is pretty basic and you will not find anything terribly unique. HOWEVER, it is soooooooooooooo goooooooooooood. We had the spaghetti carbonara, the spaghetti/spinach ravioli half-and-half, and a pepperoni-mushroom-tomato pizza. The carbonara was pretty good. This isn't a dish that ever has tons of flavor, but they did it well. The spaghetti with red sauce was good because the sauce was good. Its the kind of sauce that you want to make sure you have bread so you don't leave any behind. I really liked the ravioli. Sometimes spinach ravioli can be super watery and flavorless, but these had good texture and flavor. But the pizza was something else. I'm not usually into thin-crust pizza as I was teethed on pizza crusts, but this pizza was awesome. It was cooked exactly right - not too doughy and not burned. There was minimal sauce, but it wasn't dry. Toppings were abundant and the crust was outrageously good.

Good points: delicious food, comfortable setting, you can call in to put your name on the list, $3 corkage for wine, and the people are really friendly, and you could walk about a block down the street to the Chalet for some post-dinner cocktails

Bad points: LONG wait (because it is so popular, but see call-in above), cash only, and the mens'room is really small. If you are over 6-foot, don't plan on taking a dump because you won't be able to squeeze in there.

On a loud-satisfied belch scale of 1-10, I give Casa Bianca 8 stinky tomato-scented belches.

Something funny for those post-holiday blues

For those of you who are sad about not having to wait in line for 37 minutes at Barnes & Noble or about the slow disappearance of giant inflatable Santas over the next few weeks or you realize that Santa did not bring you an iPod, I offer you this website. The guy "experiments" with a tollbooth. It may not be as funny as I think, but I laughed pretty hard. Now back to cleaning.

Douchebag of the Week - Christmas 2005

Here is your Christmas-themed Evil Twin of Wiliam Jennings Bryan Douchebag of the Week.

First, an honorary nominee that is not Christmas related.

Joseph Stalin: There are a lot of bad things to say about Stalin. However, this one lives somewhere between "awesome as hell" and "few beers short of a six-pack." I saw this story a few days ago and my gangsta homie Peter from Pete the Elder wrote about it extensively on his site. According to the Russians, they uncovered some secret documents showing that Stalin ordered one of his best scientists to ... wait for it ... create a half-ape, half-human super soldier. You heard me correctly. He actually sent this scientist to Africa to try and breed humans with chimps. I know this will come as a big shock, but it didn't work. He tried both ways: human sperm in monkeys (I'll let that visual sink in) and monkey sperm in humans (no visual - he injected it. OK, there may be a visual as to how he got the monkey sperm. There may also be a pretty good 'spank the monkey' joke here.) Either way, this is a great story.

Now, the nominees that did not win:

Stupid Kiwis: A group of 40 people dressed like Santa went on some kind of "rampage" around Auckland pissing on cars and throwing beer bottles. Why? My guess was because they realized that they are the bastard step-child of a former prison colony. Unfortunately I read the article and found out that they were protesting the commercialization of Christmas. How does that make any sense? Some of the drunk Santas said that this was part of a worldwide movement called Santarchy. I guess there are douchebags all over the world.

Santa robs a bank: Speaking of backwards ass places where only criminals live, this story comes from Dallas, Texas. So this guy robs a bank wearing a Santa suit. Two things I like about this story. First, he never even showed the gun he claimed to have. This, to me, says there was no gun. If I were the teller I would have at least said "Dude, seriously, you don't have a gun. I'll be glad to help you out, but you have to show me the gun first - that's how a robbery works." Second, the guy cut eye holes in the Santa hat so he could pull the hat over his face. How can a robber make this type of plan and take himself seriously?

Vietnam: Not the whole country, just this hotel that built a Christmas tree out of beer bottles. This type of thing was barely funny in your college dorm, let alone a hotel where people expect a little class. Well, at least they used Heineken instead of Natty Light. (The link to this story opens up about 5 pop-up windows on your computer if you don't have a blocker, but if you want to read more here is the link.)

Raymond Burke (Catholic Archbishop): Hear me out before you get crazy on me here. I am not anti-Catholic, in fact I am marrying a nice Irish Catholic girl. BUT, this one is a bit much. A Catholic Church in St. Louis has been battling their local diocese over how their church is run. The church in question wants to keep running their finances (some $9.5 million in assets) how they have been for over 100 years and the diocese wants them to follow a legal structure more like the other churches in the diocese. At this point, I'm still on the side of the diocese because I feel like if you are going to use the name Catholic you should follow their rules. Since this church in St.Louis decided to stick to their guns, their priests were removed and excommunicated. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. The priests hold a mass anyways, which the archbishop calls "illicit" and warns anybody attending that they are committing a "mortal sin." A mortal sin is the kind where, if you don't repent before you die, you will go to hell (according to those that believe in such matters - like me, sort of). Other mortal sins: murder and adultery. Well, the last I heard mortal sins were supposed to be sins where you know its wrong, you mean to commit the sin, and it is a "grave matter." I guess going to an excommunicated priest is a grave matter. Who knows, but since when do you go to hell because you did go to mass.

Bloody Christmas: This is another wonderful attempt to protest the commercialization of Christmas. These people in New York made a Christmas display featuring Santa holding some severed heads. These douchebags need to meet with the Santarchy people, get drunk, and cut their own heads off. I mean, I'm a little bothered by the commercialization of Christmas too, but I protest it by not putting up stupid decorations like those giant inflatable snowglobes.

And the winner is...
John Gibson: This FoxNews host is one of the giant assclowns instigating this whole "There's a war on Christmas" horseshit. He even wrote a book about it. And some people bought the book and read it. No, seriously, they did. And they read it as a serious piece of journalism. In any case, he had some guy from Americans United for Separation of Church and State on his show. This guy called bullshit on John and John went crazy. It turns out that many of the cases that Gibson sited from the "War on Christmas" were pretty much made up. Watch the video at the link. Its freakin' awesome. Gibson even tells the guy that is backing him up to "pipe down."


So there you have it. I guess this is like my Christmas present to anybody who reads this, which means I get to keep the bottles of wine and gift cards that I bought for y'all. Not really. But, to make your Christmas a little brighter, here is a story about somebody doing something nice for Christmas. This guy dressed up as Santa and put money on people's windshields when he saw that they had a parking ticket. His little note said: Don't let this ticket spoil your Christmas. Here's #30 to pay it off. Merry Christmas - Parking Ticket Santa. Aw, now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That may also be from the six-pack of Kona Fire Rock Pale Ale I drank last night when I got home.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

My first look back at 2005

Don't be surprised when you find out that my first look back at this last year involves me making fun of Bush. The White House made a press release showing Bush's accomplishments this year. Its pretty funny.

The release is pretty long, so I'll include the main headings in this post and make fun of them individually.

Point 1: The President Will Work With Congress To Complete Reauthorization Of The Patriot Act. Notice that Bush's first accomplishment hasn't actually been completed. Good start.

Point 2: President Bush Is Committed To Winning The War On Terror. How is that an accomplishment? I'm committed to improving my diet, but I ate a few cookies last night at my mom's open house. So can I list my failing diet goals as an accomplishment? Nope, unless I follow Bush's criteria. Note: One of the subheadings under this accomplishment is "President Bush Proposed A Comprehensive Immigration Reform Plan To Enhance America's Homeland Security." His plan is to let temporary workers into the country with no real incentive for those same immigrants to return to their home countries when the permit runs out. I'm not arguing for or against this policy at this point, but how does that actually enhance security? Not in any way that I can see.

Point 3: President Bush Is Advancing His Agenda To Maintain A Strong And Vibrant Economy. Under this main heading he lists such major accomplishments as cutting government spending (like in Iraq?), tax reform (like the recent bills to maintain limits on capital gains that really only benefit the upper class despite what many people say about middle class investment income), and his nomination of a new fed chairman (wow, one guy retired and you picked a new one? Well done assclown. My coffeemaker broke and I chose a new one - I guess that is an accomplishment).

Point 4: The President Nominated Well-Qualified Candidates To The U.S. Supreme Court. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Well, I guess he is batting .500, which is good for baseball and better than Shaq's free-throw percentage. However, if you look at the subheadings you notice that he mentions the new Chief Justice, who is clearly qualified, and Alito, who has not even started the process of Congressional approval. What about Harriet Meyers? Oh yeah, he said qualified not corporate stooge best friend picked based on the spoils system.

Point 5: President Bush Has Worked With Congress To Pass Legislation Important To The American People. Examples: bankruptcy reform that helps creditors, No Child Left Behind (that he doesn't fund - don't get me started), Medicare reform (which, it turns out, is maybe 10% cheaper than just buying insurance from a huge insurance company), and possible welfare reform that Congress is working on (another accomplishment that has not actually been accomplished. Where have we seen this before? Oh yeah, in this same post. Oh, and that little "Mission Accomplished" victory sign Bush set up when we "won" the war in Iraq like 2 years ago.)

Point 6: The President Is Acting To Help The Gulf Coast Recover From Natural Disaster. There are too many jokes to even begin to type here. I will let Kanye West deal with this subject. It only took, what, six weeks to fire the head of FIMA that lied on his resume. That's some quick action.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy your Christmas Eve day. Tonight I will be posting a lengthy Holiday-themed Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Douchebag of the Week for your holiday enjoyment.

Something for the Trojans

Look, I'm not a fan of either team playing in the Rose Bowl this year, but let's just say Pasadena is a little overrun with USC alumni, fans of USC that never went there, fans that have been fans for the last 2-3 years, and just generally annoying people pretending to be fans for this game. To my annoyance add the fact that I share a name with UT. For all of you, well actually literally for Aaron and my dad, I made these sugar cookies. Hopefully their sweetness overrides the bitterness of defeat that I hope you taste in the Rose Bowl this year.

What Christmas means to me - and something about Star Wars

No seriously, I am going to write about this even though it seems corny. I feel like I have a good point of view as a long-time dedicated Christian who not only sees the value of the religious side of the holiday, but the secular as well. A special thanks to the Christian Conservatives that brought me the anger to tackle this subject.

First, let me say that this is very much a rant and likely has no sense of organization. Second, a little background. I was born and raised in the Episcopal Church, which has been known as conservative. I would argue that most Episcopal churches are made up of rich white people who have generally conservative social views. I have been to other churches of various denominations and others that were completely non-denominational. In the end, I feel most comfortable in the Episcopal Church because it brings a good balance of scripture, traditional liturgy, and even some ability to think freely. Having said that, I attend All Saints Episcopal in Pasadena which is widely known as a very liberal church that condones, supports, and conducts same-sex marriages, is very socially active and liberal, and pushes for social and economic justice. There's still mostly rich white people though.

Next, my feelings about Christmas. I like presents. I like getting presents. I love giving them even more. I've got some really good ones so far this year. My lovely future wife adopted a meerkat for me. Meerkats are my favorite animal and there is a place just outside of Palm Springs that houses injured and old meerkats and takes some of the overcrowding from zoos. So this year I will visit this place, play with the meerkats, and get a framed picture of the meerkat that was adopted for me. Back to the point. Presents are fun for me because its like a time for people to get something new. The new year is coming and you start it with a new DVD, new iPod, new books, new toys, whatever. Religiously, the new for me is a new hope. A chance for us to look back at the year that has passed and decide what we can do "new" the next year to make ourselves and our world better. Sure, we celebrate the birth of Jesus, but to me that is more a celebration of this same new hope. I think Jesus and Luke Skywalker are sort of parallel characters in that way. The first Star Wars (Episode IV - New Hope) showed a young man coming of age and learning of the role that he would play in the universe. Early in his life, Luke was only concerned with cleaning droids and buying power converters. Later he had a huge effect on just about everyone on the universe. However, we see at the end of Episode III that there was great hope for the two children born to Amidala and Anakin and that they were protected to make sure they would reach their later lives. The birth of Jesus was not a big deal in the sense that there was now a kid named Jesus, but in the sense that he would eventually die for people's sins after blowing up the Death Star (or something like that). Really, I celebrate Christmas not only as a time to spend with family and friends, eating and drinking, exchanging gifts, etc., but as a celebration of that gift so many years ago that showed us that there is always new hope and that change can come if you do something about it and that you can defeat the Empire if you hone your Jedi skills well enough. (by Empire I mean Bush and by Jedi skills I mean, well, I guess I really do mean Jedi skills).

Now, the part that I am mad about is the arguing that we all get into at Christmas time. To me, this whole "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" and "Happy Birthday Jesus" is a bunch of crap started by people who can't get over themselves. First of all, Jesus was not born on December 25th. Christians decided to celebrate Jesus' birth on that day in order to compete with the pagan holidays that had become more popular. Plus, in my view, if you actually focus so much on the birth and not the end result of the birth then you are forgetting what the whole deal is about. Have you read the mass e-mail that goes out every year about not including Jesus at your Christmas Party? I have. Look, it has good intentions, but only really wants to make you feel guilty. Do you invite the dead guy to his own funeral? No, but you eat and drink and celebrate in his honor. Although many Christians think that Christmas has become too secular, this Christian feels like Jesus would like the fact that the day we made up to celebrate his birth is a time where people are nice to each other more, give more to charities, and help to take care of the less fortunate that we ignore all year.

I would argue, however, that there is too much commercialism, but that is the nature of the beast I guess. Don't you think its funny though that the same Christian Conservatives that are now trying to force people to say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" are the same people that need businesses to do well at Christmas so their stocks will go up? They want us to remember that "without Christ there is no Christmas." but have no problem justifying killing people all over the world with our military. I guess it comes down to people only believing what is convenient to believe. Maybe its too much for people to think "God probably has no problem with two people of the same sex being in a committed loving relationship" because gay people just gross them out too much. Just a thought.

Finally, back to Christmas. I feel like this past year has been one of my better years. No major life crisis. Got engaged, paid off some debts, read some good books, saw some good movies, made some new friends, Liverpool won Champions League and Galaxy won the MLS Cup, etc. What am I going to change? More vegetables and no french fries. More light and low-carb beer or just gin n' tonics. I'm actually using my gym membership. Smaller portions. I want to say more nice things to people. I want to keep my apartment more clean and get rid of the things that I don't need. Less TV and more conversations. Finally, I want to do more to counter-balance the bad people in the world. And by bad people I mean Republicans.

Just kidding.

No I'm not.

Why I write to my representatives

Below is the text of the e-mail reply that I got back from Senator Boxer in regards to my complaints about the use of secret wiretapping. Although in no case does she specifically state that my complaint is what convinced her to take action, I think it is clearly implied.

Dear Mr. Austin:
Thank you for contacting me regarding recent reports of domestic spying. I appreciate the opportunity to review your comments on this important issue.
On December 16, 2005, the New York Times reported that President Bush had repeatedly authorized the National Security Agency (NSA) to eavesdrop on American citizens and others without the necessary approvals from Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Courts. Until this program, which began in 2002, no widespread wiretapping had been conducted within U.S. borders without a court warrant.
I have worked very hard to help provide our law enforcement and intelligence communities with the tools they need to effectively combat terrorism; at the same time, I have fought to protect the civil liberties and privacy protections that define our nation. It is unacceptable that the Bush Administration has sanctioned programs that so blatantly violate this balance.
Many of my colleagues - both Republicans and Democrats - share my shock and disappointment that President Bush went outside the law and subverted the system of checks and balances that is so vital to our democracy. Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), Chairman of the Judiciary Committee, plans to hold hearings on this matter when Congress returns in January 2006. In addition, I have written to four presidential scholars to ask for their expert opinions on former White House counsel John Dean's statement that President Bush admitted to an "impeachable offense" when he acknowledged that he authorized the NSA eavesdropping program.
Rest assured, I will do all I can to make sure that this matter is fully explored and resolved. The American people should not have to choose to between their security and their liberty.
Again, thank you for writing to me. Please do not hesitate to contact me about this or any other issue of concern to you.

Barbara Boxer
United States Senator

See?!? Who says government doesn't listen. Next I will write to her about the government needing to control the temperature in Southern California so we don't have an 80-degree Christmas Day.

(Edit: Please read this post with sarcasm in mind as I know that this was not likely a very unique e-mail.)

Chronic of Narnia

You need to check out this video. Its maybe the only funny moment from SNL in the last 10 years.

Chronic of Narnia

Flash or no flash?

I went to Disneyland for the first time yesterday in maybe 7-8 years (when Indians Jones was just opened). A good time was had by all. Amanda and I went with my brother and his wife, who have season passes. Let me say this about people who have season passes to Disneyland. They are all nerds (except my brother and his wife). They wear too many Disneyland pins, they have matching clothes, and they know ride narration by heart. They really need to get a life. Really.

However, this is the Happiest Place on Earth (at least that is what the people at Disneyland keep telling us) and I want to be positive in this post.

We went on a bunch of rides and most of them were not as cool as I remember. For some reason, I really enjoyed the Indians Jones ride this time around although I didn't like it in the past. Also, I have to admit that I actually enjoyed the Peter Pan ride. Sure, is corny and a little past its time, but the view of the fake city and the room full of stars are pretty cool as you fly through them in your personal pirate ship. By lunch I felt like I was ready to go, but once the time came to leave I didn't want to. I guess that is the magic of Disneyland.

Highlights of my trip: (in no particular order, except the first one)
1. Going with a "love interest". I used to be envious of people that were at Disneyland with a significant other. This time I was that person and I enjoyed it. Plus, almost every other time that I have gone to any amusement park I was ready to ditch the person/people I was with, but that was not the case this time.
2. Dole whip at the Tiki Room. This is basically pineapple ice cream, but it was good. I only had 3 bites, but I could have eaten a gallon.
3. Cold weather. It meant not going on Splash Mountain, but it was a nice change to sweating like a damn pig all day. Plus, it seemed very Christmassy and I like Christmas.
4. My digital camera. I took a buttload of pictures and didn't need to worry about running out. At one point I annoyed myself after taking like 20 pictures inside Small World, but there was nothing else to do there. If you don't have one, get one.
5. A backpack with water, medicine, sandwiches, almonds and cookies. All my needs were met with limited funds spent.
6. "Buck Knuckle"
7. Being near the Small World Castle as it lit up. Nice view.
8. Seeing little kids having fun. It was the first time that I went to an amusement park where I was not annoyed by little kids. They were wearing princess dresses, bundled up for the weather, running after characters, screaming on the rides, tripping and falling on their faces, etc.

Lowlights:
1. The Happiest Place on Earth has the Crappiest Coffee on Earth.
2. The tram ride back to the parking lot. Still thawing out.
3. $112 to get in and I am supposed to pay an extra $6 to get commemorative plastic ticket/cards? Stupid capitalism.
4. Disney nerds (see above)
5. Too many people.

So the good highly outweighed the bad. Hopefully next time I go will be with my kids or at least my brother's kids. That will be a whole new fun experience.

Here are some pictures that not only show some parts of the day, but also the difference between pictures with a flash and without. Note that in each picture the non-flash picture is cooler. The first two are from the Haunted Mansion and the second set are of Amanda and me in front of the Disneyland Gimongous Christmas tree. The last picture is the lit-up Small World castle that I mentioned above.

Disneyland pics

Classic Jungle Cruise joke: they'll get the point...in the end


New Jungle Cruise joke: Look how those lions are looking after that sleeping zebra


Some images from the Nightmare Before Christmas themed Haunted Mansion, which was pretty cool.

Disneyland (part 2)

The highlight of my day (not really, but it was completely unexpected and exciting

Why is that a highlight? Read the sign:


A very overly-decorated New Orleans square. The picture does not do justice to how cool this looked.


In the Tiki tiki tiki tiki room, the birds sing words and the flowers croon. However, they do not allow flash photo during the show so this is all you get.


What Santa sees:

Yes, that is a reindeer's ass and that is the picture Amanda did not want me to show you. I promise that I took the picture only for the joke I used in the caption above the picture.

More Disneyland pics

I have always asked "is there a big enough asshole out there to fake a disability to get in front of the lines at Disneyland?" Now I know the answer is "yes...my brother." Not really. Like my lovely fiancee said on her blog my brother has some bizarre back issue where he can walk, run, play soccer, etc., but he can't stand still for more than about 15-20 minutes before his disks compress on some nerve causing him severe pain. Although heavy drinking can overcome the pain, that is not looked upon kindly at Disneyland. In any case, here he is riding the special elevator for wheelchairs at Autopia.






Yes, I got a few mean looks for taking pictures of the handicapped guy while laughing, especially when the door got stuck and he was trapped inside.

Here is Amanda driving the car. Its the only time I let her drive. HA HA! (Man, I'm going to pay for that one)


Disneyland Autopia or the Del Mar/California exit off the 134?

Nuts and bolts...

...we got screwed.

Although the story about secret wiretapping came out a few days ago, I did not want to say anything about it until I heard both sides of the story. Nothing against the New York Times, but "reliable" is a word that I rarely use with 90% of today's major media. However, having heard responses both by "President" Bush and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, something must be said.

First let's review what happened. On Friday, the New York Times reported that Bush had authorized wiretaps to spy on Americans communicating overseas. These wiretaps would be carried out by the NSA under his authority and without knowledge of or approval by Congress (our representatives in government).

Bush's first response came Saturday as he claimed that his actions were legal and that the only illegal action was those made by the New York Times for making public a secret program designed to protect Americans in our War on Terror. Bush's quote:

"Yesterday the existence of this secret program was revealed in media reports, after being improperly provided to news organizations. As a result, our enemies have learned information they should not have, and the unauthorized disclosure of this effort damages our national security and puts our citizens at risk."

Now today's comments. First, Bush's Attorney General claimed that these actions were completely legal under the Constitution as part of the President's role as Commander-In-Chief and as authorized by the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which was passed by Congress shortly after 9-11. Next, Bush made a statement this morning that these taps would continue because "To save American lives we must be able to act fast and to detect these conversations so we can prevent new attacks..."

Now my comments: This is complete bullshit. I am willing to provide the government some "freedom" to do some things that may seem immoral, unethical, or illegal to others in order to protect Americans (see my comments on torture in other post). However, at what point are we willing to let a President make his own interpretation of the Constitution and law in general in order for him to carry out his agenda? I feel like we have come nowhere near that point. Are we in a state of war? Sort of. We have a lot of troops fighting overseas, but the fiasco that we continue to carry on in Iraq is less of a war than Vietnam was (Vietnam was called a "police action"). I would have even given the President room to maneuver if he had at least passed this by Congress as a whole or at least the Senate Intelligence Committee. Instead, he kept it a secret, which says to me the same thing that OJ running from the cops said: Guilty. Bush knew he was doing something wrong so he kept it secret. I appreciate that this plan is less effective if it is publicly known that there is wiretapping going on, but there are a lot of secrets that Congress knows that they can't tell the public for security reasons. This is astounding to me that he may get away with this. Congress is calling for an investigation, but where did that get us in the last major investigation? What, you forgot about Libby releasing the identity of one of our CIA spies? So did a lot of people. It turns out that members of this administration have been caught with their pants down before and the investigation did not reach the higher parts of the administration where it clearly started. So now Bush is scolding the NYTimes for hurting national security just months after members of his administration did the same thing? Remember Bush promising to fire anybody involved? Did he? Nope. Karl Rove still has his job as does Dick Cheney.

The time has come, I think, for the American people to speak up with a real voice. We impeached Clinton because he lied about getting his knob polished by his chubby intern. What about this? I think the Republicans are even beginning to distance themselves from this guy, knowing that they will need a new lackey come 2008. There will always be that ultra-conservative branch that sticks by Bush to the end, but Rush Limbaugh would deny Bush's shortcomings even if Bush admitted them.

My suggestions to you the reader: #1 watch some FoxNews to see how they spin this load of crap, it should be really entertaining. #2 Write to your reps in Congress. Go to the House of Reps and the Senate to find out who they are. #3 Encourage others to do the same #4 If you are a Bush supporter please add comments so we can all see your side to this story (***cough***Peter***cough**) Actually I hope Pete that writes on Pete the Elder comments on this later because he is a Bush supporter, is very smart, and will likely give a really strong challenge to my views on this.

Douchebag of the Week 12/17/05

I am posting from the 909 and there is a little bit of that feeling in this week's installment of the Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Douchebag of the Week.

First, the nominees that did not win

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The president of Iran made some pretty interesting comments this week about Isreal. It seems that he thinks that the Holocaust was a myth created to give the Jews an opportunity to create their new country in 1948. Now, you may wonder why this type of comment didn't win. Well, one of his secretaries yesterday said that he was misunderstood. What he meant to say was that Israel should be moved to Europe since it was Europeans that killed the 6 million Jews. However, he didn't escape nomination because he made a statement in October saying that Israel should be wiped off the map. To be honest, I am not a big fan of Israel as I think they should be considered a terrorist country, but that doesn't mean that I think they should be wiped off the map. So he gets a nomination. Who would have thought that a crazy fundamentalist could become the president of a peaceful country like Iran?

Lisa Lynette Clark: No surprise that this comes from the South, but this lady was arrested for statutory rape. She's 37 and her husband is 15. And she's pregnant. I guess there is a law in Georgia that says a minor can get married if the bride is pregnant. The kid's legal guardian (his grandmother) said "I said: 'I have a family. I don't need one with a pedophile in it.'" She rocks. So now she will be 8 months pregnant when she is arraigned. We should have just let the South go when we had the chance.

And the winner...

Quentin Wilson: This 19 year-old paid a homeless man $5 to drink a mixture of cleaning solution. They arrested him outside of the Waffle House where he works, which is surprising since I would not expect an employee of such a high-end establishment to be so demented. And surprise, this was also in Georgia. What a fucked up state.

Next weeks DotW will be holiday themed. I know you are askin "How can you possibly have enough time to not only create another Douchebag of the Week, but also make it holiday themed?" Well, I have the next 3 weeks off from work. Its the only benefit to being a teacher. Not really.

On another note, a slightly belated birthday to my friend Lauri, who turned 21 on Thursday (not really). We joined her and her twin sister (also not true, but they could pass for twins more than my twin brother and I could) as well as her boyfriend Pete and others, many of whom write on Life Outside the Rat Race for a celebration at The Boat. I was crapping out that chili burger all night and into the morning. They have good burgers, good cheese bread, 32 ounce mugs of Coors Light for $4 and this cabbage salad that everyone except me seems to really like. In any case, a good time was had by all.

I have something good to say about Bush

No, really. That wasn't just a title to get you sucked in. It turns out that Bush has finally admitted that the "intelligence" that was used to get us into Iraq was wrong. Here's the quote if you don't want to find it in the link:

"When we made the decision to go into Iraq, many intelligence agencies around the world judged that Saddam possessed weapons of mass destruction. This judgment was shared by the intelligence agencies of governments who did not support my decision to remove Saddam. And it is true that much of the intelligence turned out to be wrong. As President, I'm responsible for the decision to go into Iraq _ and I'm also responsible for fixing what went wrong by reforming our intelligence capabilities."

Now I want to say something to Mr. Bush: Thank you for finally admitting to what we all already knew was true. That really took guts. (If your computer doesn't register my special sarcasm font, it started with "Thank you.."). On another note, however, Bush goes on in his speech to say this:

At the same time, we must remember that an investigation after the war by chief weapons inspector Charles Duelfer found that Saddam was using the U.N. oil-for-food program to influence countries and companies in an effort to undermine sanctions, with the intent of restarting his weapons programs once the sanctions collapsed and the world looked the other way. Given Saddam's history and the lessons of September the 11th, my decision to remove Saddam Hussein was the right decision. Saddam was a threat _ and the American people and the world is better off because he is no longer in power. We are in Iraq today because our goal has always been more than the removal of a brutal dictator; it is to leave a free and democratic Iraq in its place.

In case you can't read bullshit, let me translate: "Well, we were wrong, but found another OK reason after we killed the shit out of a bunch of Iraqis, some of whom were possibly related to people who once knew terrorists." OK, I added a little of my own bias to the translation, but essentially he said that we (well, not me) ended up being right in the end even though our reasons for going were wrong. Sounds kind of like middle school logic.

In any case, today they are voting for a fraudulent government that only represents the people that follow our western version of freedom, so it'll all be OK soon. Or not. Well, I guess not at all. Not that I think we can get out now. At least we don't have any other major financial needs in this country like poverty, education, healthcare, hurricane relief, AIDS, or anything like that we need the money for.

Do I sound angry? I should because I am. And yes, there is nothing Bush can do now to win me over besides resigning and taking his administration with him. Not that the next asshole we elect will be any better.

Belated Douchebag of the Week 12/12/05

For some reason it never struck me to enter the DotW on Saturday or Sunday so now that I am at home and have called in sick tomorrow due to the cold that my fiance gave me, I will astound you now with many levels of douchebageness. Hopefully, nobody is offended.

First, some short honorable mentions:
FIFA: for screwing the U.S. in the World Cup draw
Dumbasses that are paying $1000 for Rose Bowl tickets. Why? They're just a bunch of amateurs!
The Dumbassthat paid over $20,000 for Napoleon's tooth. Mostly because I am jealous.

Second, the nominees that did not win:

FIFA The governing body of world soccer somehow decided that this ugly sack of shit would be the mascot of World Cup 2006:

This is Goleo IV and his sidekick talking soccer ball Pille. Maybe they were thinking "There are not enough people in the world that think soccer is gay" when they designed this ugly retarded lion. I have no other explanation for it.


Barry Bonds: Barry has reported that he will lose 40 pounds this offseason. So, yeah, uh, do I really need to say more? Does anyone really wonder how he will do that? My vote is 30 pounds of roid muscle and 10 pounds of ego.

Bible for porn guys: These atheist guys set up a table on the campus of Univ. of Texas - San Antonio to offer porn to anybody who would trade their Bible for it. On the surface this seems funny, but in reality you must be some kind of asshole to pull this off. Look, I've got no problem with atheists, but if you put your atheism in peoples' faces like this, aren't you as annoying as the guy that stands in the student center at every college ever and screams about people needing to repent? I vote YES. And at what point do you think Texas is the place to convince people to be atheist. Isn't that like trying to celebrate Kwanzaa at a Klan rally? Besides, these heathens are going to hell anyways.

And the winner!!!:
Focus on the Family: Unofficially nominated by Bob who writes on "In the Belly of the Whale" because he wrote about it and I agree. Basically, Focus on the family is no longer using Wells Fargo because "their corporate headquarters is in San Francisco, and they are heavily committed to the gay and lesbian agenda." (according to Grand Dragon, I mean chairman, James Dobson. So what is next for Focus on the Family? They will no longer drink Evian because the name sounds gay, they will stop eating at their local Burger King because their commercials showed the King sitting in the same bed as another man, and they will stop watching Extreme Makeover: Home edition because Dobson says "that Ty Pennington must be a pillow-biter." OK, I made the last part up, but don't be surprised!

That is all for this week. Please e-mail me nomination when you think of them. As you can see, even if I don't officially nominate someone they can still win.

And, yes, I realize the irony in my derogatory use of the word gay in reference to the lion while later ragging on James Dobson about his homophobic policies.

Grupo de la muerte

It could have been worse. The U.S. will open World Cup 2006 on Monday June 12 at 9am with FIFA World Ranked #2 Czech Republic. Then we get FIFA #12 Italy on Saturday June 17th at 9am followed by FIFA #50 Ghana. Since there are 3 teams in this group from the top 12, I, and many others, consider this "the group of death" where one really good team will be eliminated. Although this will be a tough group for the U.S. to get out of, I think it can and will happen. My logic is full of problems I know, but here goes.

In qualifying, the U.S. played close with Mexico in Azteca, where Mexico is nearly invincible. However, in Columbus the U.S. completely shut down Mexico to assure ourselves a spot in the 2006 cup. Now, Mexico beat a full (I think) Brazilian side early in the group stage in the Confederations Cup, a tournament in which Brazil beat Argentina in the final. So my logic is this: if the U.S. can dominate a team like Mexico that beat clear #1 Brazil then we can beat anybody. Yes, I know. I took logic and can see the slippery slope or whatever else you want to call it, but my point is, the US has become a force to be reckoned with. We may not win the cup this time around, but its in the cards.

And if we get 2nd in our group we will likely face Brazil in the round of 16, so I think winning would be a grand idea since that would likely give us either Croatia, Australia or Japan, all of which we should beat. If that were to happen then we would probably get France, Spain, or Ukraine. They are all tough too, even Ukraine, who I think may beat Spain in their group. If then, we beat that team, which would be beyond all of my expectations, we would like see Germany, Argentina, Netherlands, Portugal, or maybe Mexico (although I would bet on the first three. However, that would be a semifinal, which would be outrageous for the US to be in. Anyways, if you stuck with me through all of that then you are a true champion. Of what? I don't know.

Needless to say, my brain will be ready to explode between June 9 and July 29th. World Cup ends just in time for me to have about 2 1/2 weeks recovery time before my wedding, which is the only thing I am looking forward to right now more than World Cup.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

The draw for the World Cup 2006 groups starts in 8 minutes and I am a nervous wreck. The U.S. got screwed this year as usual. Despite being ranked #8 by FIFA, they were not picked as a top 8 seed. Italy, England and Germany are all ranked lower and were considered top 8. FIFA considered performances at the last 2 World Cups. Since the U.S. did horribly 8 YEARS AGO they are punished this year. Mexico, who we beat soundly in our qualifying and who we knocked out of WC02 did get ranked as a top 8. BOOOOOOOOO! I think I'm going to crap my pants. I think they need to cancel 4th period so I can watch the draw.

Where I lose my sensitivity

When someone is asked to describe me the first word that comes to mind, besides handsome, is usually "sensitive." (Pause for snide remarks). Now in the past I have made statements about douchebags, Republicans and cats that have brought my sensitivity into question. Today, I will go even further with a few issues that have been on my mind.

Torture: I was watching an episode of "24" maybe 4-5 months ago. In this episode a terrorist organization had stolen a nuclear weapon and placed it somewhere in Los Angeles. The main character was trying to get approval from the President to use "other methods" to get info from some terrorist that they captured and knew was involved. The President did not want to give approval. This made me think: am I really that against torture? Essentially I am, but I think I would make exceptions in extreme situations like the one presented in this TV show. I mean, I value the lives of a whole city over some terrorists' various extremities. The problem I have is defining when torture should be allowed. You can't leave it at "extreme situations" because the current administration would consider Bush's lunch being stolen as extreme. But I feel that if you know 100% that some person is involved in a plan that could lead to serious death and/or widespread cable internet outages then I'm OK with shoving bamboo shoots under their fingernails.

Stanley "Tookie" Williams: This may not do much to my perceived sensitivity, but I want to write about it anyways. Williams started the Crips and is supposed to be executed Monday night for a couple of murders. I know, "how could a decent fellow who started a group with such a positive image in the community have possibly killed anybody?" but I guess he did. Well, I guess some people want the Governator to grant him clemency since he wrote some children's books about not joining gangs, and I (you may want to sit down for this) totally agree. What do we accomplish by killing this guy? Not much in my view. However, he has neither apologized or even admitted to these murders to this day, so I say he has to sit in that jail cell without TV or any other form of entertainment for the rest of his life. In fact, I often wonder why people in jail get to do anything besides sit in a chair, eat, and use the bathroom? They are in prison and it should not be luxurious in any form. No nudie mags, no Raiders games, no weights. Maybe I would be OK with them reading books, but certainly no TV. I mean, it is a punishment right?

Devin Brown: This is where I am bound to offend or at least make people cringe. Maybe. Oh well. Devin Brown was shot by an LAPD officer when, after a lengthy chase, he backed the car towards said LAPD officer. Problem? He was 13 and African-American. Now this issue caused all kinds of ruckus from various civil rights groups over the need to shoot the kid. Yes, I recognize that the officer shot 10 times and most (if not all) of the bullets hit the side window. So how could this have been prevented? I would argue that if the kid had not stolen a car and ran from the cops he would probably be alive today. I really do feel bad for the family and even for the kid, but he did run from the cops and even backed the car towards an officer, hitting his squad car. However, I find it interesting that the NAACP is avoiding this one. They had only two press releases that I could find and the only called for an investigation. I do think that the LAPD should really examine their policies about when to use or not use lethal force, but cops are people too and they fear for their own lives. Although they decide to take a job that will likely end up putting them into risky situations, it is hard to turn off that need for self-preservation. There was a similar uproar over a young(?) African-American woman shot in her car by police while she was sleeping. Well, she wasn't exactly sleeping and she had a gun in her lap. What's the lesson? If you don't put yourself into a life-threatening situation you have a better chance to live longer.

In the end, I am all about protecting people's civil rights to an extent beyond what the government is doing now, even if it completely inconveniences a lot of other people. But I guess I just feel like accountability is important too.

Anyways, those are just some things that I needed to get off my chest.

New DotW Saturday.

Kerry says U.S. troops are terrorists

Now, let me start by saying that I don't agree with my own title, but I wanted to catch your attention. This was actually a comment made by right-winged drug addict Rush Limbaugh about John Kerry. Before I give you said quote let me also say this: I think John Kerry is a tool and has no guts. He says one thing and backs down in the face of pressure. But my argument is not with him, it with Crackhead Limbaugh. Here is what Kerry said: (taken directly from Rush's website)

JOHN KERRY: I don't agree with that. But I think what we need to do is recognize what we all agree on, which is, you've got to begin to set benchmarks for accomplishment; you've got to begin to transfer authority to the Iraqis, and there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the -- of -- of -- of -- historical customs, religious customs, whether you like it or not. Iraqis should be doing that. And after all of these two and a half years, with all --

So do you see the part where he calls American troops terrorists? Rush says that when Kerry wants troops to not "terrorize kids and children" Kerry is insinuating that the troops are terrorists. I try to terrorize my students into doing their homework Rush, am I a terrorist? Steven Spielberg terrorized us with a giant man-eating shark in Jaws, does that make him a terrorist?

This is what many politicians on the right do, especially Rush. They really stretch the interpretation of a statement to fit their needs. Liberals on the other hand just make arguments based on things that they heard from other liberal friends, not on actual sources. It just blows my mind that these pundits are so caught up on dogging out their opposition that they avoid real issues, like, oh, I don't know, the THOUSANDS OF FUCKING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD DYING OF AIDS!!. Just my thought.

Douchebag of the Week: 12/3/05

Its Saturday again and I'm tired from waking up at 4:45 to see Liverpool take Cinderella's slipper away from Wigan Athletic with a 3-0 drubbing. Peter Crouch finally got in the books with a brace (2 goals) and we looked damn good. Note: Liverpool is in 4th, ahead of Arsenal - that's for my brother.

Now that I have forced you to read my soccer commentary for the day, onto official business - THE EVIL TWIN OF WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYAN DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK. And let me tell you, the nominees came in like a flood of rich white Republicans at a USC game.

First, the nominees that did not win:

Enya: Every girl in my dorm freshman year at UCSD though Enya was the shit, but I think she is retarded. Apparently, her new record will include songs sung in a language called "Loxian." So where is Loxia? Nowhere. She made up this language just for her music. I'm so not fucking kidding. What a dumbass.

Kensuke Hirakawa: This nominee comes from Pete, who writes on Life Outside the Rat Race and The Essays. Now let me start by saying that this guy lost because he helped save a dog from being put down, which is OK in my book. However he lost because of this:

He made the dog look like a Panda. And he had all of the dogs teeth pulled because it tried to bite people. That's douche-arific.

Sonya Thomas: Who makes a conscious decision to be a professional eater? This stupid-ass does. She won the Thanksgiving invitational by eating an entire turkey in 12 minutes. Shit, I think I could have beaten that in my peak. However, it is not just the fact that she is a professional eater that bothers me. It is the fact that she has an eating nickname - the black widow. If you are going to be a big enough douchebag to give yourself a nickname connected to your professional eating, at least make it something more original.



Giant condom: This is the first inanimate object to be nominated for the DotW and I'm betting its not the last since I haven't nominated George W. Bush yet. This giant condom was placed over a giant obelisk in honor of World AIDS Day. How does that honor anybody unless it just show that people in Argentina are big dicks (get it? giant condom - big dicks). Stick to soccer and losing wars to England.

And this week's "winner":

Cindy Sheehan: Yeah, I know Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have beat up on this lady a lot. And yes, I know that as a liberal (sort of) I should be nice to her since she confronted Bush about the war, but she put this one on the tee and all I'm doing is swinging. So I guess she wrote a book. I don't know if its about her dead son or her 15 minutes of fame, but I don't give a crap either way. Now, she has a signing to raise money for something and not too many people show up. So the AP photographer shows up to take a picture and what you see above is the result. Not too many people come. But now her "people" (she needs "people" as much as I do) claim that this was taken in between signing and falsely show the event to be a failure. The comments by the photographer:

"At the time the photos were taken 'maybe 5 people had come in,' Vucci says, and Sheehan was waiting for more to stop by, which they did individually as well as in very small groups. Therefore the wording of the caption is accurate in that Sheehan was waiting for people to show up at her signing."

Yeah, so she pretty much deserves what she gets, but I give a strong honorable mention to any conservative talk-show hosts that used this as a story showing the lack of support for the anti-war movement. Yes, Sean Hannity, I am looking at your enormous square head.

So that's it for this week. If you have any nominations please let me know. Although I have to admit that is has not been hard to find really good nominees.

Only 22 days until Christmas!!

The true enemies of mankind

For centuries mankind has feared that they would be taken over by bands of roving monkeys. There have been numerous stories where monkeys attacked seemingly innocent people. Although I argue that a swift kick to the monkey's skull is the ultimate and invincible weapon against our thumbed arch-enemies, it appears that there are other animals that may pose a greater threat to our existence: squirrels and birds.

Many people, including myself, have made jokes about the birdflu. But according to the story linked above, the birdflu has been discovered here in California! Sun Valley, along the stretch of the 210 freeway that I use everyday, is the site of a quail farm hosting birds with BIRD FLU!! Don't underestimate the magnitude of this news. Birds are not innocent creatures. For hundreds of years they have practiced their bombing runs on our billboards, windshields, and father's heads. Now their shit is lethal and these little kamikazes are looking to take over.

Although Amanda has long preached the danger of squirrels, this story backs up her fears: squirrels are trying to kill us and take over our governments. These Russian squirrels attacked and bit to death a dog that was barking at them in a Russian park. Sure, you may say "that damn commie dog got what is deserved", but let's consider this. What animals are most commonly found as domestic pets in our homes? Dogs. The squirrels know this and are looking to find a way to scare us all into giving up power or facing the deaths of our beloved canines. Maybe they are threatening to deliver upon us humans the same fates as sparky and fido.

When it happens, you know who warned you!! I'm just sayin'

A mid-week post of nothing in particular

I was officially observed today for the first of two times this year. Normally, these things don't phase me a bit since I am a brilliant teacher everyday. However, last year my principal came in for an "unofficial" visit on probably my worst day teaching during the year. It was the day after a test and I had a lot of students that were absent for an unannounced language evaluation. So I decided to show a movie while the absent kids made up the test. We were finishing WWI and I was going to show part of All Quiet on the Western Front. Now, there are two versions of this movie. One was made in the late 1930s and was an Oscar Winner. The other was a made-for-TV movie made in the 70s with Ernest Borgnine. Clearly, I intended to show the Ernest Borgnine version which is in color and is much more exciting than the 1930s version. So when I was cuing it up at lunch I found out that Blockbuster had put the 1930s version into the Ernest Borgnine box, thus making my movie-viewing activity obsolete. So I decided to show a back-up video documentary narrated by Peter Jennings. Instead of making them take notes I decided to be revolutionary and just add interesting bits myself to keep them interested. Well, the principal walks in 3 minutes into the video and had nothing good to say. I explained the situation to her later and she said she understood, but I got a really bad feeling from her for the rest of the year. I had really good "official" observations and even 2-3 surprise observations that went well that year, but the one bad observation that I had in 5 years of teaching stuck with me more.

In any case, today's lesson on the social structure in colonial Latin America went really well and the comments on my official observation form were good including a "very nice job Jeff" at the end. So I feel better, but I hope that I don't have another fiasco this year when my principal makes her surprise visit.

In other news, I have a mailbox full of nominations for DBotW. There are some real doosies in the pile and I will narrow them down by the weekend. Here is one nominee for a teaser:

David Rodriguez, 18 and from Chicago, kidnapped an 8 year-old girl from outside of their local library. To rape her? No. To make her clean the kitchen? No. To carve a pentagram into her chest as part of a demonic ritual intended to bring back his ex-girlfriend? Unbelievably, yes. Fortunately, he was caught because he made the most common mistake made by people kidnapping little kids to use in demonic rituals: he let the little brother go (he went and told a responsible adult - so kindergarten works!!!). Police arrested this anus as he returned from the store to buy candles and incense. This makes me wonder: Don't you buy the supplies for the demonic ritual before you kidnap the 8 year-old? Fucking amateur.

After taking a vote from the EToWJB staff, we (I) decided that this guy was more of a chode-smoker than a douchebag, which cost him the win. Sorry. Maybe he can perform a ritual to repair his rectum after the guys in jail get done with him.

Happy Hump Day!

Douchebag of the Week - November 26 2005

First, the nominees that did not win:

Dick Cheney Giving Cheney this award is like giving an award to a dog for crapping on your carpet. Sure, it stinks when he does it, but you know he's going to do it again so its not that significant. Maybe if I'm still doing this a few years down the road I'll give him the Lifetime Douchebag Achievement Award.

Unknown Disneyland visitor I guess my cousin told my brother a story about a family that went to Disneyland on a special day for people with disabilities. They had one kid with autism that didn't want to go on some ride. So they made the other kid pretend to be retarded so they could still use the pass to get to the front of the line. I'm sure there have been many cases like this, but I could not verify any single case, so no award.














Anybody in this picture These are holiday shoppers at an electronics store in Florida rushing in for the "Black Friday" savings. In the rush to get in, they stepped on the old lady on the ground. However, I include the old lady in the award because she was one of the first in line. Who really needs a $400 laptop that doesn't have enough RAM to run Minesweeper bad enough to wait in line that long? Not me. I got mine for $100 at the computer swap meet in Pomona. Take that dumbasses.

So congrats for the nominations, but none of you were able to out-douchebag this guy:



Mark Reed Downs, my Douchebag of the Week. Mr Downs allegedly (yeah right, look at him...guilty) paid a kid on his t-ball team $25 to throw a ball at another kid. You think that's fucked up? The other kid was also on his team! Wait, it gets better. The other kid was autistic and Downs was hoping to injure the kid so he would not have to play in the game. Only in Florida...or maybe the 909.

In any case, feel free to offer up more nominees. I already have two in mind, and they are really douchebags.

A tribute to a great footballer

Former Manchester United soccer legend George Best died earlier this afternoon in London at the age of 59. (Obit from ManU site here) Although best known for his successes on the field, Best was also known around the world as one of the beautiful game's greatest characters. Unfortunately, it was the drinking part of this character that ultimately led to his demise.

Best was the key in re-building a ManU club that was torn apart in 1958 when 7 players were killed in plane crash in Munich. During his first season ManU reclaimed the league title and also took the European Cup in 1968. His native Northern Ireland also capped best 37 times for their national side.

Although I hate Manchester United and all they stand for with the heat of a thousand burning suns, George Best was one of the best in the world at this game and that is something that I admire.

Some good George Best quotes:

"I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars - the rest I just squandered."

"I used to go missing a lot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World..."

(On David Beckham) "He cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that he's all right."

"If I had been born ugly, you would never have heard of Pele"

"In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life."

in "tribute" to Thanksgiving

Today I feel like I want to pillage and rape Thanksgiving just to kill the holiday for the rest of you, although at the end of this rant I will generically list things that I am thankful for.

First, there was not a Thanksgiving "tradition" until maybe the late 1700s or early 1800s. The first "Thanksgiving" with Pilgrims that they embed in our skulls like so many paper vests and bonnets was actually a celebration of the first harvest in the new world. If the Puritan Pilgrims were to give thanks for anything, they would more likely fast than feast. Maybe that is how these people picked Oliver Cromwell as their leader, they were hungry and hallucinating.

Second, although turkey would have been at the ill-named "First Thanksgiving", most of the other traditional Thanksgiving foods would have. Most of these popular foods like apples, potatoes, etc. are not native to North America and would not have arrived for at least another 1/2 century or more. Deer, clams, dried berries, corn, wild turkeys, and fish such as cod, sea bass, and eels would have been a more likely fare. So who wants to carve the Thanksgiving eel?

Finally, anybody who connects this holiday too closely to religion may be making a bit of a mistake. Remember, many of original colonies were created to profit joint-stock companies so there is a good chance that they were more thankful for the profits than the wonderful bounty that God set before them. (OK, I know this is a bit Michael Mooreish, but it fits my theme well.)

Now, what am I thankful for? (Some of these are honest and others are sarcastic):

1. my future wife
2. my family
3. that we didn't entirely wipe out the red man so I can now make a short drive to Commerce if I want to gamble legally. (social commentary in a facetious manner)
4. a Galaxy double
5. Steven Gerrard staying with Liverpool
6. the approaching World Cup
7. a fulfilling job that pays pretty well
8. a roof over my head
9. democracy
10. world peace (I almost just spit energy drink all over the screen)
11. high speed internet
12. Fox Soccer Channel
13. a church where I feel comfortable
14. books
15. Cool Ranch Doritos (do they still sell this?)
16. Bombay Sapphire Gin
17. Vons Club
18. the new clutch in my truck
19. the right to talk shit about people (Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Christian Conservatives, Democrats and Republicans, the Douchebag of the Week) on this blog and not get arrested
20. that you put in the time to read this whole post

So there you have it. Have a Grand Drunken Turkey Day.

And it seems that there are lots of douchebags in the world so I already have several nominees for next weeks award...coming Sunday night.

Ranting on a few things of dire importance

I have a lot I want to mention briefly, so here you go:

1. I enjoy reading blogs written by other people I know. My friend Bob has a blog. Besides being a preacher and university professor, Bob is an avid Galaxy fan and is a member of the LA Riot Squad Supporters Group. We drove Bob's mini-van to San Jose for the playoff defeat of the lame-ass Earthquakes.

2. If you miss hearing something different on the radio, listen to KCRW's Morning Become Eclectic. Mostly Indie-type rock, but they often venture into dance, hip-hop, etc. KCRW is 89.9 in most parts but they also stream.

3. LA mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (sp?) came to the Galaxy championship celebration yesterday at the Home Depot Center. I'm not sure where I stand with his politics, but he seems like a funny guy. At one point he mentioned that the Riot Squad seemed like it had a few beers.

4. KOST 103.5 FM has already switched to playing only Christmas music. A lot of people think that this is too early. I, however, love it. Maybe I am biased since I am a big fan of Christmas, but I think we are at a point in this country where a little of the old-fashioned (not commercial) Christmas spirit could do us a lot of good. And, despite being a practicing Christian, I don't have a problem with the secularization of Christmas. I like the positive energy. Easter is a much bigger deal to Christians anyways.

5. My long awaited Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Douchebag of the Week #2: That lady who sued McDonald's so many years ago for the burns she suffered from spilling hot coffee on herself. "But Jeff, that was so long ago!?!" Yes, but she is now suing a Dunkin' DOnuts for the same thing. I guess her cardboard carrying case fell over on her. Her attorney actually said that it burned her skin off. In any case, this lady needs to switch to iced drinks because clearly the concept of HOT is beyond her.

That's all for today. Please feel free to nominate people for the EToWJB DotW. I will take your nominations into consideration.

Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Douchbag of the Day #2

I'm really excited by this new feature that I decided to start, although I am sure some may be offended by the name, but oh well. I like my first double-winners choice and have already tapped recipient #2. In the interest of equality I've picked a women and she's not even in politics. I'm going to wait until Monday to reveal the winner, but I want to design some kind of trophy or plaque before then. This, I hope, will be a good way for me to deal with my late-20s angst.

Carl Levin has a combover...and something about the war

Can you look at the back of that noggin and honestly tell me that hair is not all from the left side of his head? I didn't think so. But I digress.

As I write this, Congress is within hours of voting on whether or not to pull troops from Iraq. So you may think "Hell yeah, let's get our boys out of there!" Well, it is not that simple. Here's why: There is no way this will pass. The Republicans have a majority and will vote this down. So why even vote? If you are a Democrat, what do you do? Vote yes and when elections come you get harassed for not supporting the troops. Vote no and you are supporting Bush. Although anybody with some political awareness will see right through this at election time, most people in this country have their political heads up their political asses. This is the same thing that Republicans did with the Same-sex marriage initiative. So don't get your hopes up that this will get us out of the war and ask yourself why politicians are such assholes.

A bipartisan load of crap

In the past I have been accused of being meaner to conservatives than liberals, but here is a case where I am picking on one Republican Senator and one Democratic senator. Rep. Sen. Alen Specter and Dem. Sen. Tom Harkin were both caught trying to get buildings named after themselves in a recent amended appropriations bill. Here's a pic of those sections of the bill (taken from drudgereport.com):










I hereby proclaim both of these senators to be the first "Evil Twin of William Jennings Bryan Douchebags of the Day." I want to make this a regular feature on my site. Although I feel like Douchebag of the Week will be better and more feasable. In any case, how arrogant do you have to be? Granted, they claim that this part of the amended bill was suggested by other Senators, but c'mon, we know the truth assholes.

Congratulation douchebags!

Beer...is there anything it can't do?

So I am at the 6740, which is a bar in downtown Whittier that my Galaxy Supporters Group hangs out. MLS Cup and I'm anxious as hell. Anxious enough that the nachos and fish-n-chips are causing me to feel like I am going to vomit at any moment. So I stop drinking John Courage and turn to Sprite around halftime. At that point, the Galaxy turn from a team that is creating great opportunities to score to a team that is living in their own defensive end, at least most of the time. I begin to think "While I had beer they were playing strong attacking soccer, now without beer they are bogged down with desparate long balls in a 0-0 draw headed for overtime." So, in complete disregard of my bowels, I order a Bud Light in a strange blue aluminum bottle since it is only $2. It arrives about halfway into the first overtime period. Literally 15 seconds later we score. Result:



1-0 to the Galaxy in overtime. US Open Cup + MLS Cup = double for my Galaxy.

Plus, we went to the pirate store in Whittier called Pirate's n' Plunder. No kidding. An entire store dedicated to pirates. My friend bought a onesy (sp?) for his 1-year-old that says "poopdeck" on the butt.

In any case, I give complete credit to beer for this victory to beer. Well, that and to Amanda, who left to the landry-room before the goal was scored. And maybe a little credit for Pando Ramirez, notching his first non-PK goal as a member of the Galaxy (after 62 consecutive unsuccessful shots.

A superfluous amount of topics

I said yesterday that there were 4 topics that I would write about yesterday and I only covered one of them. So here are the rest:

Why will I be constantly on the verge of vomiting until Sunday at 12:30?
In reality, it will probably until 2:30 or so. Sunday afternoon is MLS Cup 2005 and my LA Galaxy have made an improbable run to the championship game after being the lowest ranked team to enter the playoffs. So until my beloved Gs claim the cup, I will be very anxious and on the verge of vomiting. I just hope it doesn't ruin chili-night at my mother's Saturday night.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?
This is a more complicated question than you think. Many people would just answer with their favorite food. But what if your favorite food is chocolate? Could you really eat chocolate as your only meal the rest of your life? I doubt it. You also need to consider your health. This kind of throws off my theory of pizza, but I am thinking if that pizza had various meats and vegetables that it would be reasonably healthy. Other foods I have heard people mention before: 1.mac n' cheese (I can't eat this more than 1-2 times a month without getting tired of it. 2.steak Yeah, I love steak, but I think your arteries would clog after too long. Although I can honestly say that I would never get tired of steak. 3.eggs I want to give eggs a break and all, but there is such a thing as too many eggs. So I guess I'll stick with the pizza option, but I could go with steak or even cole slaw.

What could the state have done with $80 million other than a special election with no results?
1. print up new letterhead without Arnold's name since he's pretty much done with this job
2. build a giant wall around Bakersfield to quarantine their stupidity
3. bribe the NFL to bring a team to Los Angeles
4. install sprinkler system in all forest to more easily put out fires
5. invent flying cars like in the Jetsons to help end traffic
6. build more In n' Outs
7. get the State into the Guinness Book by building a record-setting burrito
8. build a couple of schools


That's all for now. I feel better.

Energy Drinks

You may not be aware that I am a connoisseur of fine energy drinks, but I am. One of the conflicts that I originally had with buying energy drinks was deciding which ones tasted good enough to drink and which tasted like moldy Mountain Dew filled with rotten bananas. So here is my evaluation of every energy drink that I have ever tasted.

Red Bull Its like liquid SweetTart, which is not what you want to taste if your energy boost is in the morning. I feel like people go to Red Bull because it was the original in its market, but I argue that it is not your best choice. They do, however, have a sugar-free version. I've never tasted it, but sugar-free is always a good option. C-

Sobe Adrenaline: Not the best tasting of your options, but its not horrible either. I think this one has a pretty high amount of potassium, so it would be better after a long day playing soccer or helping your friend move (which is how I first discovered it). B-

Nos Sugar Free I have never tasted the inside of a dog's ass, but I'm going to guess that this flavor is very similar. The worst energy drink ever. F

Hansen's This one in the little green can is one of my favorites. I like the flavor, its not too big so you can pound it, and it only gives you enough energy to "take the edge off" without causing you to go insane. They used to sell it by the case at Costco, which is how I got hooked. My friend Andrew and I drank 2-3 of these every day the last year that we were both counselors at summer camp. They also have a few other flavors. There is an orange-flavored one that is kind of gross. There is one called Power that is OK and one that is called B-Well that I took one time I was sick. It was pretty good too. The regular drink:A-

Monster: One of the better drinks, but not for the weak of heart. It gives you a huge boost, but doesn't leave you crashing out after a couple hours. Tastes pretty good, too. The 16-ounce can is more than I want to drink at one time and more than my heart wants to deal with, but since it is currently carried at Costco you can get them at $1/can if you buy a dozen you can throw away the last 4-6 ounces. A Sugar free B+ The KHAOS Juice version that they make tastes pretty bland so C-

Jones: they had an older version of this when I was in college that gave you tons of energy and tasted OK. This time around the taste is OK, but the kick is less and can give you quite a dropoff after a few hours. Also, it gives me the worst loogies. B- Sugar free B

Full Throttle: They gave these out after a Galaxy game one time and I used it as an energy boost to get me home. Flavor is very slight for an energy drink, but it does not give you a huge boost like Monster. Not a bad choice, but the big can is too much for me as well. B+

Amp: Mountain Dew was the energy drink of the early 90s and this one is by the same people. Tastes sweet, a lot like the soda. A lot of energy. They also have a "Deuce" can which is bigger. I had that one time maybe 9 months ago for some reason (I can't remember why, but I needed a buttload of energy). All that energy had my way too hyper. One can is more than enough. A good choice. A-

That's all I can really remember right now. Next time I need one of these I'll probably go for Rockstar since I have heard good things about it. In any case, if you need a gentle buzz to help you get past a hangover, I recommend the Hansen's. If you need a real pick me up I go for the Amp. If you need to run at 110% after being awake for 20+ hours go for the Monster.

Poor Ah-nold

I have SO much I want to talk about today, but I should probably do some work during my conference period, so I'll keep it short.

Originally I was going to comment on the results of each proposition, but since they all failed, I'll just say this:


























The only better result than all of my votes going towards the winner was no propositions passing. Awesome! I mean, only the abortion one was even close. So my tenure is saved, my union will still get tons of money to waste on political campaigns, and old people will still pay a ton to get their drugs. Nothing like paying $80 million for an election that brings NO CHANGE!!


Other topics that I will write about today:
1. Things the State of California could have done with $80 million
2. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
3. What is the best energy drink?
4. Why am I going to constantly on the verge of vomiting until 12:30 Sunday?

So if you check out the blog after 10:00pm tonight there may be gobs of entertainment awaiting you.

I vote therefore I am

Normally I honor election days with the reading of a John Greenleaf Whittier poem, but seeing as this is a fake election day, I will not. However, rest assured:



Actually, I changed my mind today on one of the propositions. I won't say which one, but I was a little surprised even at myself when I "inkavoted" the little circle.

Also, let me say this. The house that I vote in smells like cat pee. I guess my anti-cat BBQ comment was eliminated from another blog, so now I get to freely voice my anti-cat sentiments. If I were voting on a proposition to make cats illegal, I'm sure I would vote no (despite knowing that cats are mignons of satan), but I might change my mind in this house. My apartment is certainly not a great example of clean, but when it stinks I find the piece of raw chicken that fell behind the trash can and get rid of it. Cats are permanent nasty in my book. If a dogs stinks you throw it in the yard and hose him down - problem solved, but cats run from water thereby retaining their nastiness. That and the claws. Screw cats.

Church vs. State?

It was revealed Sunday that the IRS is currently targeting the church that I attend, All Saints Episcopal in Pasadena, for removal of tax-exempt status. (read about it here) About a year ago, the former rector gave a sermon that used a hypothetical debate between Kerry, Bush, and Jesus. Basically, the sermon gave the opinion that the war in Iraq is wrong and had Jesus questioning Bush's foreign policy. At no point, however, did Rev. George Regas actually give an endorsement of either candidate, he only urged the congregation to consider the teachings of Jesus and to vote with their conscience.

The issue at hand is that non-profit groups are not allowed to "intervene in political campaigns and elections." So the letter warned that the IRS would be investigating.

Question: What church does not speak up about political issues? I know that the Pope has come out against the war on many occasions, but is the IRS going after the Catholic Church. Consider this: All Saints is nationally known for being a very liberal church as well as being active in pursuing human rights. Although the church's tax lawyer seems to feel that the IRS's actions are not politically motivated, I don't see how they are not. At what point does speaking out against war not fall into the realm of any church? How is it "intervening" in an election if there is no actual endorsement? How can Bush openly proclaim his strong religious beliefs and at the same time see the IRS do this?

I realize that I sound a little to much like a conspiracy nut, but what do you expect? I am going to try and do a little research into other church's that have tax-exempt status and make strong political statements. I'm looking at you Pat Robertson! (Seriously, I am. His TV channel got into trouble back in the 90s).

A new link

I put a new link in my link sections. My good friend Pete (who I have always called Peter and will continue to do so in order to avoid confusion with the other Pete that writes on Escape the Rat Race and The Essays) has a really good blog called Pete the Elder. Peter is one of the smartest guys I know, which is shocking for 3 reasons: #1 He lives in Texas #2 He was raised in the 909 #3 He was (is?) a huge fan of the Monkees. I hold none of those things against him. In fact, he will be one of my groomsmen this summer. So check it out.

before you read my proposition stuff

I just want to make it clear that although I originally wanted to give an unbiased view of each proposition, I decided that being fair takes too long and is usually not as funny. So for Proposition 73 I still have what I think is an unbiased view. However, the rest include my very biased (and I would argue correct) views on the propositions. Most people would say "I encourage you to vote according to you conscience and don't just follow my vote", but I highly encourage you to be a follower and vote exactly like me.

However, if you are getting all independent on me, check out the State page for summaries, analysis, and arguments and rebuttals by both sides at this website Arnold's bitches (aka the State of California)

Enjoy. and make sure you vote on Tuesday. If a Republican tells you that its Wednesday, don't believe them...its really Tuesday the 8th.

the other other propositions

Prop 77: Redistricting
This law would create a panel of 3 retired judges to draw district maps instead of the current system where state legislators do it.
On the surface this looks like a great idea, but there is at least one catch that I don't like. The judges would be picked by the legislators and there would be less accountability to popular vote. However, if you look at some of the district maps, something is broken. For example, there is a rule that says all districts must be contiguous, meaning all in one chunk. The 46th is basically two chunks literally joined by a stretch of beach, thus avoiding the high minority population of Long Beach. The joke is that the 46th is only contiguous at low tide. Another point is that none of the state seats or U.S. House seats switched parties in the last two elections. NONE!! And, almost none of the elections were considered competitive (less than 60% to the winner). In short, is this THE solution? Probably not. Is it better than what we have now? I say:
MY VOTE: YES

Props 78 and 79: Prescription Drug Discounts
Both of these propose discount prescription drug programs.
You may ask yourself: Why are there two programs that seem to do the same thing? Simple answer: The drug companies want 78 because they will get more dough. 79 includes a "best price" requirement for companies to participate. No offense to drug companies, but I don't trust you assholes. Wait, forget the no offense part. I hope you greedy bastards are offended.
MY VOTE: NO on 78, YES on 79

PROP 80: Electricity re-regulation
Would increase regulation on some electricity providers.
This was a tough one to get through since it sounds so good. However, once I looked into it more I realized that its kind of a sham. You see, most of us go through an Investor Owned Utilities (IOUs) like SC Edison or San Diego G&E, which are already under pretty good regulation as far as price(no, seriously). So this would not really change things for you too much. However, it does permanently cut off new "direct access" accounts that are usually large business and schools as well as people looking for alternative sources of energy (like solar). So although the law talks about making a stronger push for "green" energy, it really prevents it in a way. At least that's my take on the issue.
MY VOTE: NO