Mao-y Christmas

Have a Happy Christmas. Don't forget that Boxing Day (Dec. 26th) features English Premier League matches from 4:45am until 2pm.

Christmas message

One more bitch about Christmas

There is just one other thing about Christmas that drives me absolutely fucking nuts. People - do you really need 800 giant inflatable Christmas decorations on your lawn? Look, I know that the people in the 909 think that these things are classy. They're not. They're not even creative or unique. OK, I'll let the 909ers get away with one, but the rest of you have no excuse. I mean, do you really need the snowglobe AND Santa AND the Grinch AND Winnie the Pooh AND Rudolph AND a Christmas Tree? Did you walk into Home Depot and say "Give me one of every inflatable decoration that you carry"? I bet you did. Douche.

Where Christmas went wrong

I'm a big fan of Christmas on many levels. As a Christian I like the idea of re-birth and the start of second chances and all that. As human I like the tendency of people to be a little nicer during the holidays. However, its clear to me that somewhere we decided to follow the dark path of obsessing over gift-giving instead of the focus on good-naturedness. How did this happen? Eartha Kitt. You heard me. Eartha "Santa Baby" Kitt. In 1954 she recorded the now classic Christmas song "Santa Baby" in which she sings to Santa in hopes of getting a bunch of expensive shit for Christmas. So I've decided to go through the lyrics of the song as a way to vent my anger against the commercialization this Christmas.


Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me
OK, have you seen a sable? They're kinda cute, but this bitch wants you to kill a couple dozen to keep her warm.
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight
What? Wait like the rest of us bitch. He's got a whole world to get to and you want him to hurry to your triflin' ass!?

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue,
You can't just accept a free fucking car - you have to get all picky?!
I'll wait up for you dear
Now you'll wait?
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Nevermind - I guess he should skip all of the children and hit you up first you greedy tramp

Think of all the fun I've missed,
I have a feeling you haven't missed that much fun slut
Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed
You didn't kiss them on the mouth but I bet you kissed something whore
Next year I could be just as good
If you check off my Christmas list
See!?! She'll only be good if you give her a bunch of shit! Why not be good for the sake of being good. Oh, that's right. You're a filthy hooker

Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot
If its not a lot why don't you buy it with all the money you get giving $2 blowjobs in subway bathrooms
Been an angel all year
That's not what the starting line-up for the Detroit Pistons said
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Holy Shit! He gets the point. He'll get there you gold-digging mattress jockey.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need, the deed
To a platinum mine,
OK, so you won't life a finger to get your own car but you'll somehow figure out how to get something from a platinum mine!?! Give me a break. What the fuck are you going to do with a platinum mine!?!
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry before you jump on the next guy in line doorknob?

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and cheques,
Real Estate is actually a pretty smart decision, but can't you just take the checks that will come from the rent you charge? Nope, you need your greed fulfilled right now and with as little of your own effort as possible.
Sign your x on the line
on the contract giving up your soul... and your balls
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight
How many times have we seen the hot slutty chick get all flirtatious with the old fat guy to get what she wants? I guess you've taken a page from Anna Nicole's book.

Come and trim my Christmas tree,
Now that's what I'm talking about... a little "trimmin' the tree" for Santa!
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
Nevermind... cocktease
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me
because its hard to believe that there are greedy skank bitches out there that will take advantage of horny fat dudes

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring,
You didn't forget, you just wanted to wait until he brought you all that other shit with the expectation of getting some ass and then you lay another demand on him hooker.
I don't mean on the phone,
Of course you don't a phone call doesn't cost enough
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight.
You better hurry and get ready to let Santa into your chimney and I don't mean the one made of bricks.

That made me feel better.

Today's List 12/11

I've been pretty busy lately with work stuff so I beg your forgiveness for the lack of posts. I have several things to mention so I put them in a list.

1. Pete wants to know what a caucus is. Briefly, people meet according to their district/precinct and talk about the issues. In the case of the presidential election, they talk about the candidates and there is usually 1-2 people that make general statements about each candidate. I think the two parties do things differently, but what it comes down to is they don't vote individually for a candidate, but either choose one of the people present to attend the state convention OR take an unofficial vote on scratch paper and send their single decision to the state party. That's the extent of my knowledge, but I'm sure there's a Wikipedia entry for it. Either way I think its retarded.

2. Peter (from Pete the Elder) loves Giuliani. He had a rough time last week (maybe the week before?) which included getting caught paying for trips to cheat on his wife with city money and the discovery that his company runs security (or something like that) for some guy that helped hide/protect Osama Bin Laden. Added to his cop friend getting busted and the fact that he's an ass and you wonder why he's a leading candidate. Oh wait, I remember why - the rest of the candidates are even bigger ass-clowns. (Note: outside of his intensely evangelical beliefs I actually think Hukabee is their most reasonable candidate)

3. I took 15 of my students today to a breakfast with the State Superintendent of Public Instruction. After his speech one of my students asked him why he always blames teachers for problems at schools. He didn't really know what to say and completely dodged the question. Turns out he's looking to run for governor.

4. Do people actually watch NBA Basketball?

5. I forgot how awesome Big Trouble in Little China is. Thanks for bringing that back Pete.

6. I kick ass at Wheel of Fortune, but I fucking hate watching it.

7. I'm going to start playing the lottery. I figure I throw away $1 here and there anyways so why not.

8. Here's the future:



Plasticware made from corn. It has been around for a while, but its becoming relatively cheaper since regular plastic is made using petroleum.

9. I chaperoned a trip Saturday to the Environmental Youth Conference with some students from my school. Not only did I get to see Fez and Tyrese (who I guess is in Transformers), but I got to talk to a lot of people about new projects looking to help the environment - including corn plastic. In fact, the City of Los Angeles is looking to be a "Zero Waste" city within the next 15-20 years or so.

10. I've you've never read anything by Nick Hornby you should. I just read "Long Way Down" and really enjoyed it. His memoir, Fever Pitch, was the basis of the lame-ass movie with Drew Barrymore and that one guy from Saturday Night Live. However, in his memoir he is not an obsessive Red Sox fan, but an obsessive Arsenal fan.

11. I'll admit it. I frequently listen to KOST since they are on the all-Christmas-music-all-the-time thing.

Disturbing images

Three times in the last few days my eyes were assaulted by visions that no man should be confronted with.

First, my brother sent me a picture/text message with the title "Want to see what it looks like when a baby poops for the first time in 4 days?" and a picture of the world's largest pile of shit.

Then, I came across a homeless guy in front of a coffee shop in downtown L.A. as I walked from a train station to the place where I had a two-day conference on "Shared Inquiry". After asking me to buy him coffee and food he showed me the sores on his legs that came from sleeping in some god-knows-where filthy place.

Finally, as if I needed to see more, I walked in on two guys having sex in a bathroom in a Carl's Jr. I went into the Macy's Plaza as I was walking back to the train station after the meeting so I could take a leak. Carl's Jr. (which sold beer by the way) was the closest bathroom so I went to use it, but it had one of those coin deals so only customers could use it. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately in my case) it was actually open. It seemed weird when I walked in because there seemed to be more than one set of feet in the stall. I couldn't hear anything because I was listening to my iPod. I stepped to the urinal, took a leak and began to leave, but I heard weird sounds. I turned, and not only could I clearly see two sets of feet facing the same direction, but through the crack in the door I could see a guy's face at waist level (since he was bending over) and he was clearly grimacing as if...well, you get the point. I turned and got out of there as quick as possible.

Who knew that Carl's Jr. brought that kind of romance?

Why the hell did you do that?

Have you ever wanted to ask someone why they did something stupid? I feel like most of the time that question goes unanswered purely for the sake of being tactful. I say fuck that. Here are some questions I would like to ask people for honest answers to:

William H. Macy - you are a great actor, why the fuck did you agree to be in Wild Hogs?
Samuel L. Jackson - Were you fucking high when you agreed to be in "The Man"?
George Lucas - JarJar Binks? C'mon. Who has pictures of you blowing a goat that could blackmail you into that decision?
John Kerry: I know that you're kind of a tool, but why did you have to be such a pussy and back down from those SwiftBoat guys? Shit, why did you even go with the Vietnam war hero bit in the first place?
Zach DeLaRocha: Was Rage not popular enough for you? Why'd you break the band up?

That's just a few that were brewing in my head today.

Gimme some of yours please.

What not to buy a guy for Christmas

I frequently complain about how quickly stores turn to their Christmas decorations, but I also think that once Thanksgiving is gone then its all fair game. So I was thinking about the lame-ass Christmas presents that I have received over the years and want to pass along some info to gift buyers before they make the same mistakes that many well-intentioned gift givers made in buying me gifts. I will also give you alternative ideas similar to the bad one. Please don't give me the "its the thought that counts you greedy bastard" argument because I am simply looking out for the gift giver so you don't look like a douche on Christmas Day.

1. Beers of the World Gift Pack: I know what people are thinking when they buy this for a guy they know. "They like beer and this has all kinds of unique beers from all over the world. Here's the thing about the beers that come in these packs. #1: They usually aren't that unique. #2 They are in that pack because they are not good enough to stand on their own. #3 There is ALWAYS one beer in that pack that is completely nasty. ALTERNATIVE: Find out what their favorite beer is and get them a 6-pack or case of that. Even better, go to your local BevMo and pick out some beers on your own that you think look interesting. My brother did this for me a few years ago and I drank every one of them and enjoyed them.

2. Clothes: Guys buy their own clothes and don't want to be told that they buy crappy or ugly clothes. So don't think that buying them a few nice things will make them happy. EXCEPTIONS: anything sports related - like the jersey of their favorite team. You may also get away with buying a funny t-shirt like this one. ALTERNATIVE: if you really want to buy clothes get them something useful like a hoodie, jacket, or sports-related item.

3. Dance lessons: I don't think I have to explain this, but if the guy doesn't like to dance then he probably doesn't want dance lessons. Most of you know why I am saying this.

4. That thing that you think will help him be a better person: OK, so this goes back to the dance lessons gift that I got one year, but it serves well as its own category. I know someone (can't remember who) that got a book from an aunt or something about how to find the perfect job. At the time he was always moving from shitty job to shitty job. What did this gift accomplish? It reminded him, on Christmas Day, that his life was going nowhere.
ALTERNATIVE: a bottle of gin because that will make him a better person and he can enjoy it.

5. Something that you think he will find useful: Chances are, if a guy needs something useful - like a buck knife, maglite, etc. - he probably already has it. ALTERNATIVE: Tools or gift card to buy tools. Guys always need tools.

The fact of the matter is guys are easy to buy gifts for. We like booze, action movies, adult cartoons (Family Guy, Simpsons, Aqua Teen), tools, ninjas, and things used to blow stuff up with.

Turkey wine!

OK, there's no such thing as Turkey wine, but I want to (belatedly) make some Thanksgiving wine suggestions. However, let me state up front that the best wine to serve on Thanksgiving is the one that you like and can afford.

First, in the world of whites I would go towards reisling. Reisling is the grape that everyone loves, but nobody buys. Generally, for me, the dry reislings are the way to go with Turkey dinner. Last year I brought a bottle of Eroica (note: not Erotica). My mother-in-law doesn't like white wine too much but loved the stuff. Eroica is a combined effort from Washington mass-producer Chateau Ste. Michelle and German reisling demi-God Dr. Loosen. Its been a staple reisling for me for 3 years or so, but the price keeps going up - now about $20-24 per bottle. However, it is readily available in all grocery stores. Hogue makes a cheaper ($6-8) reisling that is less complex, but would work better on a budget. Both of these are sweeter. Since nobody buys reisling you can get some top-notch German stuff for cheap. Look for the word "Kabinet" on the label. Its the easiest name of dry reisling to remember. If you like sweeter, look for "spotlese" (pronounced shpot-lay-suh).

Red. Look, everyone says to drink Beaujolais Nouveau with Thanksgiving. Its OK. But the best-known brand (whose name I forget, but it comes in a super-colorful bottle) is not that good. This is one time where you can justify buying Pinot Noir (which has been overpriced since Sideways). Go with Oregon if you are going with Pinot Noir. On the other hand, I will be bringing a zinfandel with me to the Kimball household on Thanksgiving. I like the more bold flavor of zinfandel, but its spiciness can go well with the sides.

In the middle you could also go with a dry Rose. Its hard to tell what is dry and what is sweet unless it says so specifically on the label so your best luck is to hit the wine shop.

After dinner? I say go with Pimm's Cup. Kind of herbal, kind of sweet. 1 part Pimm's with 2 parts ginger ale or Sprite.

On the soapbox

This is an issue that I think I have brought up before, but since it has been in the news a lot lately I want to say more. The U.S. has a new Attorney General, Michall Mukasey, who was approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Senate as a whole despite his dodging the question about the U.S. using torture. Several Democrats, including California Senator Dianne Feinstein, voted in his favor.

First, why did he dodge the question? Simply put, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he had answered that waterboarding was not torture, then he would likely not have been approved because he allowed torture. If he said that it was torture then he would have essentially been convicting the administration of torturing. So what did he answer? He said he did not know what waterboarding really was. Really? Really?!?!? I am a high school social studies teacher and I know what waterboarding is. He was a federal judge.

OK, so you may not really know what waterboarding is. I could explain my view of how it works, but I think this video may be better. In the video, Kaj Larsen - a former Navy Seal - agrees to go through a waterboarding demonstration. Now, this video is actually the second time this was done to him, the first time being part of his training. The video is about 10 minutes in its entirety and is sometimes split into two screens with one screen being the demo and the other interviews. Just a little warning. Its not really a pleasant thing to watch. There is nothing gory or bloody, but the people doing the demonstration are not being friendly with him.



Having seen that, here is my view on the issue of waterboarding specifically and torture in general. Waterboarding is torture. We will likely never get valuable information from torture that we could not get from other means of intelligence. We do not want the U.S. to be known worldwide as a country that tortures people.

First, I feel that the U.S. should not torture anybody for any reason. Waterboarding is, without a doubt, torture. If the video did not convince you of this, maybe this article will (check out the video as well). Daniel Levin, who at the time was acting Assistant Attorney General, volunteered to go through waterboarding to really see what it was like. His conclusion? Its torture. He said that even though he knew that no harm would come his way and that these were essentially his colleagues that he was very distressed. The result of his report? He was fired.

What could we possibly gain from using torture? At a Republican debate in May, the moderator proposed a hypothetical situation: there were several suicide attacks on U.S. cities and then some terrorists were captured off the coast of Florida who knew where further attacks would take place. He asked each candidate how aggressively they would interrogate. (In other words, would you torture?) This is the hypothetical situation that many in favor of using torture will turn to for their argument - we have to protect ourselves against terrorism at all costs. John McCain answered that hypothetical exactly as I would want a President to answer. "I, as the president of the United States, would take that responsibility... We could never gain as much from that torture as we lose in world opinion."

How is torture really considered an effective means of intelligence gathering? The hypothetical situation above is just that - hypothetical. It has not happened before and it will not likely happen ever. People, this is reality - not 24. The chances of that happening are probably the same as Jack Bauer jumping out of the TV to save us. If, by that point, we have not discovered the secret plans of the terrorists then we aren't going to figure it out by torturing them. In the CurrentTV video, Kaj says that, even knowing that it was a controlled situation and that he was in no danger, he would have said anything to get them to stop. I think this is what McCain was trying to say - what a torture victim says it not necessarily the truth. They are saying what you want to hear in order to get you to stop. For Christ's sake, in less than 30 seconds I can have a picture of my apartment taken from a satellite in outer space on my screen. We have that technology and we can't figure out terrorists without wiretapping our own citizens and torturing people? You've got to be kidding.

Finally, at some point we need to think about what our standing in the world is. Do we really want to be considered a country that violates human rights? I hope the answer is no. We are already hated all over the world for our policies - and rightfully so in my view. However, we could do a lot to improve that. Even facing dangers such as terrorism, we should take the moral high ground. This may take a great deal of sacrifice on our behalf, but what is ever worth getting without some sacrifice? We lost just over 2,700 on 9-11. We are approaching 4,000 dead in the war in Iraq. We are already making that sacrifice with nothing in return but the continuing death of our troops and the people of Iraq, the loss of credibility in the world, and over $400 billion of our dollars wasted at a time when they are losing value. Also consider this. Former Navy Seal instructor Malcolm Nance testified before Congress that, not only is waterboarding torture, but that if we subject our prisoners to torture we can be assured that our troops that are captured will find the same fate. Makes sense. If we say that it is OK to torture then we are saying that it is OK to torture our people as well.

I know that this is a long post and I thank you if you made it this far. If this issue bothers you as much as it bothers me then I hope you can write to your representatives (especially Feinstein) and make it clear to them that your vote depends on their decision to make human rights a priority again for the United States.

EToWJB Buying Guide

There are a few things that I have bought in the last couple of months that I think people should know about and consider buying for their own use. Its mostly food.

Trader Joe's Thai Noodle Salad: comes with a spicy peanut sauce - so mother f'ing good.
Trader Joe's Flatiron steaks: lean and flavorful
Yoplait Light Key Lime Yogurt then add some walnuts
Trader Joe's marinated mahi mahi: meaty and flavorful
Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc
Saucony running shoes - I'm on my 3rd pair. Comfortable, supportive, long-lasting
Charmin wipes: OK, I know I'm going to get some shit for this, but they are awesome. They basically replace toilet paper. I first heard about them on SModcast and had their quality later verified by a reliable source. My ass has never been cleaner. Edit: SModcast is Kevin Smith's podcast. The same Kevin Smith that wrote and directed Clerks, Mallrats, etc. He uses the wipes. Is he gay? Hell no.
Barkeeper's Friend: cleans the hell out of stuff
unnamed stem cleaner: little brush for cleaning wine glasses (a.k.a. stems) that is made of a very unabsorbant foam so it doesn't load up on bacteris like sponges. Got mine at Sur Le Table.

more to come later?

Today's List - 11/3

1. I hate it when people say that you get an extra hour of sleep after daylight savings time. Not me. Now, instead of waking up at 5:30 I wake up at 4:30 and can't go back to sleep. Plus, I'm going to get really tired at like 8:30 tonight.

2. Dan in Real Life is a real piece of crap movie. Amanda says that it is almost exactly like The Family Stone, which I have never seen because its a chick movie. Pete says that he saw it.

3. Despite criticism from many people all over the internet I still think Transformers the movie was awesome. Sure, they didn't need the love story. However, that chick is pretty hot so I went with it. The action and effects were what I was looking for and I got them. Plus, I love the voice of Optimus Prime and liked his little speech at the end. It brought me back to my childhood.

4. SModcast. Check it out. Seriously.

5. Check out Barack Obama on Ellen. I thought it was pretty funny. I can see him as president. A real person that doesn't answer his cell phone in the middle of press conferences or talk about 9/11 every 3 seconds. **cough***Giuliani***cough***douchebag***




6. How early is too early for Christmas decorations in public? Now is too early. I don't blame stores for selling the decorations this early. Some people need to plan their decorating schemes early. However, why are stores and other places skipping over the majority of fall? I think fall colors are the best colors (hence the fall colors at our wedding in July).

7. Rubio's is good. And they sell beer for $2.

8. Lost Coast Tangerine Wheat. Very tasty beer. It would have been good for the summer. Still good for the fall/winter.

9. Colts vs. Patriots today. I may just care about the NFL for a day.

Bill O'Reilly can...

...well, he can eat the biggest, stinkiest, wettest piece of dog shit from a dog that has worms that crapped it out on raw chicken contaminated with salmonella.

Why the anger? Didn't we all already know that O'Reilly is a complete douche? Well, yeah. But he has really gone too far. I listen to his "Talking Points Memo" podcast on most mornings (it really gets the blood flowing) and pretty much every one blames the left - or the Secular Progressives (don't get me started on that bullshit nickname) for all of the problems of the world. However, this time he targeted me. No, he didn't mention me, but he did accuse public school teachers of "indoctrinating" their students to be SPs. He even read maybe one sentence from an e-mail that he supposedly got from a 15 year-old student.

At this point you may want your young children to stop reading.

Motherfucker, have you ever even set foot in a real classroom? Have you ever thought that only a completely brainwashed neo-con FoxNews watching 15 year-old would e-mail your splotchy ass? Most 15 year-olds are either playing Guitar Hero, trying to score some weed, or hanging out at some public place that will one day be replaced by a bar. Why don't you come up with some new fucking story to base your idiotic statement on other than the Boulder High School sex-ed assembly that you use twice a week? I know why. Because there are no other examples. Once again, you issue proclamations straight out of your ass that must be true only because you said them. News flash cocksucker: just because you say "fact" before something doesn't mean it actually is a fact. Example: "Fact: the sky is green" See?!? Ass-whore!?! The sky is generally blue unless you live in L.A. where its a brownish blue. In other words, until you actually present some sort of empirical evidence that even 1% of public school teachers are indoctrinating students I suggest you shut your jowly, wrinkled ass-face up - because only the mongloid rednecks that believe in your so-called culture war take your word as scripture. And those people already bought their ticket to hell. In short, choke on the fattest set of diseased rhino testicles and die.

Thanks for listening. Anger subsiding. Sorry about the language Mom. I learned it from Dad

Greatest. Video. Ever

Awesome.

There is a story behind the kid and no, he's not retarded.

Today's List - 10/26

1. There is a teacher that uses my room during my conference. She is horrible and her students do nothing. When you were in high school did you like the teacher that basically let you sit around and do nothing everyday? Not me. I liked doing stuff because I liked to learn and doing work often meant that I didn't have to interact with people.

2. The keys to getting your wine glasses clean is to use a small amount of soap, make sure you give special attention to the rim of the glass and the base, use hot water when you rinse, and to let them dry a little in the air and then finish them off with a dry soft towel. I only say this because watermarks and lipstick stains on wineglasses are a major pet peeve of mine.

3. Liverpool's aging defender Sami Hyppia has scored two goals in the last 5 days. Unfortunately they were in the wrong goal. He is a complete donkey and I am giving him pre-emptive blame for our impending disastrous loss to Arsenal (my brother's team) on Saturday.

4. Pete works too much.

5. We watched "Black Sheep" at Pete and Lauri's last week. Not the Chris Farley Black Sheep but the "horror" movie black sheep that I posted the trailer to a while back. It was awesome.

6. Trader Joe's Thai Noodle Salad. That's all I'm saying.

7. I think I've become allergic to the lactose free string cheese. It destroyed my stomach the last two days.

8. "I want Philly Jim!" The Office really needs to be 1/2 hour. It just works better.

9. After 3 seasons the Ghost Hunters may have captured something that looked sort of like a ghost.

10. Its basketball season already? and hockey? Does anyone actually care? Not me. I don't think I could name more than 3 active NHL players.

11. I've been recording the CNN "Planet in Peril" series. I guess I'm not convinced yet that we are killing ourselves.

Have a weekend.

Star Wars:The TV Show?

George Lucas says that he is creating a TV show based on the Star Wars "franchise". He does say that there are no Skywalkers involved so it will not be based on the overall plot of the six movies.

Could these possibly be good? What could the plot be about? He said something about robots, but it may have been a joke.

I say that this will suck worse than Episode II.

Today's List - 10/16

1. Meetings can eat my ass. I know it sounds like I am bragging, but I am usually the only one in my meetings that has any clue about what is going on. However, today I solved my problem. We had to break up in to small groups as each group would deal with one part of a report we have to create for accreditation. I volunteered to lead a group then quickly told the person in charge that I was taking my group to my room to work. My group was me. I did the work in 15 minutes and then did some planning before returning to drop off the group work. I am the best group ever.

2. One of my students told me today that his brain is like the bottle of water that I drink from in class all the time - by fifth period its running pretty low. I laughed.

3. Tasty combination: Thai food and Riesling.

4. I'm barely paying attention to the baseball playoffs, but I think that the Rockies winning 20 out of their last 21 games is pretty impressive.

5. Euro 2008 qualifying continues tomorrow with some pretty important games. England vs. Russia is at the top of most people's lists. I am still super impressed by the Scots (my paternal heritage). They lead their group over Italy and France. They could easily go through to the final stage as they get group B pushovers Georgia next. However, their final match with Italy could be important too.

6. The mother fucking Galaxy finally decided to start playing and have now won 5 in a row. If they win their next two games they will actually qualify for the playoffs. Thursday night is the last regular season home game and we may even get to see the $50 million pound English guy again.

7. "What is a Jim?"

8. Saw "Into the Wild" on Friday. Crazy shit. I knew the story going in, but have not read the book. I have to say that I ended up feeling different about the main character than I thought I would. Only major downfall of the movie: Eddie Vedder's dominance of the soundtrack. The first single is regularly rotated on KROQ and is maybe the worst song of the millennium next to everything from System of a Down.

9. Transformers is out on DVD. I really dug this movie, but I was very biased by my childhood love of the toys - second only to G.I. Joe. The Special Edition is in a case that is a transformer.

10. I watched some Bill O'Reilly yesterday. I know this is a very "the sky is blue" type statement, but that dude is way off base. The only thing that made him look good is that he had Ann Coulter on. Two things about her: she's a completely retarded bitch and she has a total Adam's Apple.

11. I'm not against Al Gore winning the Nobel Prize per se, but giving him the Nobel Peace Prize seems like a bit of a stretch. I absolutely understand the connection between the environment and peace (ask me in person and I will gladly explain), but he didn't really make that connection himself. That being said, I'm happy for the dude. But will he run?

12. The answers to the Brazilian names were: Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Obi Wan Kenobe, C3Po, and Boba Fett.

13. Don't forget to watch the cartoon from the previous post. I'm still laughing.

A little history lesson through cartoon

Maybe the single greatest video I've ever seen. Caution: Not Safe for Work or Children. Maybe I should not say that so Andrew can get Greg to show it to his kids like the "Read a book" video.

Jincha

Have you ever wondered what your name would be if you were a Brazilian soccer player? Well, check out this website too find out. I'm Jincha.

Bob Dylan = Dylando
George Bush = Georgildo
William Jennings Bryan = William Jennio
Charles Grodin = Groda
Barack Obama = Obamiano
Chuck Norris = Chimo
Pol Pot = Perto
Robot Chicken = Chickaca
Try to guess: Luka, Vadino, Obi Wisco, Pinhosa, Finhosa

Today's List - 10/11

1. There's a Dollar Club on Lake and Mountain near where I play soccer. Do you know how much a box of cereal is there? 99-cents. Why? As the sign outside explains: 99% = 99-cents. Now I get it.

2. The Taco Bell one block from the Dollar Club is no longer there. It is now Taco Baja. From the outside it looks like they kept everything except the menu. There was a pizza place in Redlands that did the same thing - was Little Ceasars, now Antonious. The pizza at Antonious was cheaper and better.

3. People are assholes. Teachers much more so in many cases. I am moving between two classes this year. Most of the storage space is still occupied by the previous teacher who says that the teacher she is sharing with will give her no space, but she won't deal with the problem. I used simple economics to solve the problem. I dropped a note in her box saying that if the stuff is still in and on top of the closets on Monday I will put it in boxes out on the walkway. In economic terms that is called incentive.

4. I am going to rant some time in the next 3 days about Bush, spying, and torture. I'm too angry and busy to do it now.

5. I think Pete has given up on the prospects of our upcoming presidential election. I know he has officially declared the Republican candidates as useless. I agree. I'm sure my old friend Peter does not (I think he's still a Giuliani supporter for some reason).

6. Former Assistant U.S. Attorney John Atchison killed himself in jail. I don't have a problem with that. He flew to Michigan looking to have sex with a 5 year-old girl. (For a disturbing and yet pretty funny discussion of this story you should listen to SModcast.)

7. I love soccer, but there is a dark side to the game that you are all aware of: diving. Here's a recent example. This is a game between Italy's AC Milan and Scotland's Celtic. Milan were the heavy favorites but the goal that is celebrated put Celtic ahead. Watch what happens afterward.


A fan gets by security, runs by Milan keeper Dida, and gives him a little tickle. Dida starts to run after him, then falls on the ground later to be carried off on a stretcher with an icepack. Why? He hoped to get his team's loss thrown out because a fan caused him to leave. The real result. Celtic get fined a measly 25,000 pounds while Dida the Douche gets a two game suspension. The fan was also banned for life from all Celtic matches.

8. Did I mention that I have a very cute little niece? No? Well, here's a picture.


Enjoy the weekend

Today's Short List 10/2

1. No word from Pete about adding stuff to Rat Race. I'll let you know when (if?) it happens. I even have an idea already.

2. What the hell is Leet? Some really nerdy ass shit if you ask me.

3. Is it seriously only Tuesday?

4. Liverpool continues its Champions League quest tomorrow against Marseilles.

5. Did you hear about Brittney Spears? I don't care either.

6. The new fake grass field and all-weather track at South Pas High look to be almost ready. I hope they let the public use it. Can a public school keep the public from using their facilities? I'm going with "no".

7. Dethklok?

8. I ventured into the belly of the beast on Sunday and somehow came out alive. In other words, I went to the Costco in Alhambra in the middle of the day. Let's just say that there is a certain type of person that frequents this establishment that tend to ignore the presence of other people when they park their cart in the middle of isles as they nibble on taquito samples and pretend that their kid is not running around screaming. I didn't use a cart so I think that's what got me out in less than 30 minutes.

9. Teacher meetings are horrible. I literally walked out of one today because it was so bad.

10. Which was better - Die Hard or Lethal Weapon?

Today's List - 9/30

1. Went to a dinner last night with other people that watch/listen to Wine Library TV. I know how nerdy that sounds, but it was pretty fun, the food was awesome, and I got to try about 20 different wines (most from Spain). A local restaurant - Red, White, and Bluezz - hosted the event. Russ, the manager, set us up with a great 5-course meal and even opened up a 1963 Cockburn's Port. Check the place out.

2. The oldest chef at the restaurant last night was 23. No kidding. We met the executive chef and he may have been 22-23. I'm old.

3. Pete made me play Grand Theft Auto at his place the other night. I enjoyed beating people with a pimp cane. However, I shudder to think that my high school students play a game like this one.

4. I may be making guest appearances over at Life Outside the Rat Race.

5. The U.S. women took 3rd place at the World Cup. I have a few thoughts about this. First, their coach is an idiot. He changed keepers for the semi-final because he thought that the back-up would do better against Brazil's style. The main starter had 300+ consecutive scoreless minutes (3+ games). Second, I think the U.S. became the world power in women's soccer purely because we let them play. Our ladies kicked ass because they had superb technical skill. Now teams like Germany and Brazil not only show technical skill but incredible creativity. Until we stop playing boring technical soccer we will never again compete with teams like Brazil.

6. Newt Gingrich announced that he is not running for President. I'm not sure its really that final. On the other hand, I think he's probably scared of getting torn apart for his abrasive personality and past decisions.

7. I didn't get anywhere close to drunk last night. I tasted a lot of wine, but dumped a lot out as well. Still, red wine can really fuck your head the next morning. Today I was prepared. I bought some Vitamin Water yesterday. Its called "Revive" and it hints that its good for hangovers. My headache was gone pretty quick AND it tastes pretty good.

8. Visiting the niece today. Excited.

9. Fall weather has arrived. Early fall is my favorite time for weather. Lots of people look to venture back out into the world after the heat of the summer. Was it just me or was summer not too bad this year? In any case, today looks to be pretty nice too.

10. Just started listening to Smodcast, the podcast by Kevin Smith and Scott Mosier (writer/director and producer of Clerks et al). Its like listening to a more vulgar version of Pete and Randy Moe having a conversation. I laughed out loud many times and highly recommend it. They do swear a lot thought - so no kids.

11. Based on what I learned at my conference I can tell you that we don't need the stupid cowards that run our various governments to make positive changes in our environment. The market is doing more than they ever could. And by "the market" I mean you and me. When you call your power company and tell them that you want more renewable energy resources and are willing to pay a little extra to get it, they generally listen. The person we talked to at Pasadena Water and Power guessed that their energy would be coal-free by 2030. I know that sounds far away, but it really isn't. If you are interested to hear more about this ask me when you see me in person.

12. New "The Office" was pretty funny. Excited about the new season.

Today's List - 9/26

1. Paige is at home. Exciting times - except maybe for the dogs.

2. BevMo is doing their 5-cent sale. I think I've moved on from my anger at them in order to save my wallet. Amanda hasn't figured out yet that I bought 12 bottles yesterday. I am prepared to make an agreement that I won't buy anymore wine until these are done. On the other hand, I payed about $80 for the 12. You buy one for full price and get the second of the same bottle for 5-cents.

3. Enjoyed the hell out of my conference. Went to a water-treatment plant here in Pasadena and to the Power Plant as well. Up to this point my entire knowledge of the world of power production was based on Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

4. Debates are on again tonight. Same shit as last time basically except they are getting a little more snippy.

5. I mentioned in a previous post that my aunt is doing a lot of work for a charity that does art therapy for children victims of Katrina. They were featured in a New York Times article recently.

6. Galaxy still have a chance after a win this last weekend. Not much of a chance, but a chance nonetheless.

7. Water trivia: If you were to fill the Rose Bowl with water, then pour in 1 and 1/3 cups of a contaminant, Pasadena Water could detect it. The water is pretty clean.

8. Family Guy: Star Wars was really funny. Robot Chicken's version was probably more funny.

9. I'm still deciding between Mac and PC. I think I'm leaning towards Mac. I feel kind of dirty doing it though.

10. Amanda found lactose-free string cheese. I'm in heaven.

11. Vegetarians don't annoy me. Vegetarians that constantly remind me that they are vegetarians do. I don't tell you 10 times every meal that I eat meat.

12. New Office tomorrow.

Today's List - 9/21

1. My little niece is still in the hospital. She's OK, but is having trouble eating. She's the only Austin with that problem. Maybe they need to throw a little ranch in that bottle or deep fry it.

2. That whole "Jena 6" thing is driving me nuts. Lots of stupid shit said by lots of stupid people. My favorite was a lady who said she didn't want the rest of America thinking that Jena was just another racist Southern town. Um, didn't your high school have a tree that only white students could sit under? Didn't people later hang nooses in that tree? Yeah, the rest of us are really judging you unfairly.

3. I think Hillary Clinton has the best chance of winning the Democratic nomination, but I think Obama has the best chance to beat the Republicans in the presidential election.

4. U.S. women in the quarters at the Women's World Cup. That's pretty standard. England tomorrow morning.

5. Still haven't posted tasting notes from the Zaca Mesa dinner. I was pretty hammered though.

6. I've been trying to read Bonfire of the Vanities and its slow going. Tom Wolfe describes stuff in too much detail. I may give up soon. I rarely put a book down without finishing it.

7. Amanda thinks they should make a movie based on the Legend of Zelda video games. She also does a little sword-stabbing motion and says "jab-jab" when she makes this suggestion.

8. If I was married to Brittney Spears and she had two of my kids and looked the way she does now after giving birth to those kids I would be pretty stoked. I think people need to give her a break. She's still stupid as hell though.

9. Saw "Death at a Funeral" the other night. So funny. And lots of British people including the guy that played Spud in Trainspotting.

10. The Galaxy are fucking horrible. I'm still going to games though.

11. Going to a conference this weekend about teaching Economics while using the environment. It should be exciting. And its in Pasadena.

12. Sunday is the start of fall. My sweat glands are looking forward to some time off.

13. Deep fried goat cheese is awesome - that's no joke.

14. I need a new desktop computer. The one I have is dying. Its a PC and Amanda's laptop is a PC. I'm thinking about a Mac. What do you think. I pretty much need it for typing, internet (especially soccer highlights), iTunes, downloading pictures, and playing FIFA.

15. We had a lockdown for almost four hours yesterday because some kids called in a bomb threat. They said they were some other kid that they didn't like. There were three instances where a student pissed in a bucket in a classroom. I honor those three kids.

Enjoy the weekend

Uncle Jeff

This little cutie is my new niece Paige Elizabeth. She was born yesterday morning. Everything went as smooth as planned. She was 5 weeks early so there were some minor complications, but nothing serious.

My brother was the only one that got to hold her yesterday because she's in the NICU for a bit. However, Aimee finally got to see and hold her this morning. My brother couldn't see me since I was peeking through the blinds when he was holding her, but I've never seen him more happy - even when the U.S. beat Mexico in the World Cup.

In any case, I am still weirded out a bit that my brother has a daughter, but I am very excited and will be spoiling the crap out of her because I won't have to deal with it. She's pretty long for 5 weeks early so I'm thinking she'll end up being a target forward or center back. Aimee has a pretty solid left leg so Paige could be very valuable to any soccer team.

Today's List - 9/14

1. Baby countdown: 14 hours. They moved it way up after some mild "complications". They're cutting little Paige out at 7:30am tomorrow. Bought some cigars and prosecco (sparkling wine). I'm a little excited.

2. U.S. got ripped off against Brazil. This was the same ref that screwed over Canada in the Gold Cup. Game ended 4-2 in favor of Brazil, but reality says 3-3 should have been the final.

3. Saddest episode of Meerkat Manor last week. Two cubs were born. One had a deformed leg so it was hard for him to even get out of the burrow, let alone keep up with the gang. Then they got left out in the open and the non-deformed one got picked up by a hawk. Then, as food became more scarce, the deformed one was left behind to die alone since they couldn't find enough food. The show faded as you could hear his little yelps for help. Heartbreaking

4. Galaxy - ChivasUSA tonight. I'll be watching it taped.

5. Got a wine cooler today. Not like Bartles & James. A fridge made specially for storing wine at a safe temperature. Normally in the area of $450, I got this one for $139 because I drove to their factory in Compton and picked it from the "dented and scratched" selection. It is not dented, but has a few scratches, but those were mostly covered by switching the handle to the other side. This was essentially a birthday gift from my mother.

6. Wine dinner tonight. Super excited. I'll give a re-cap after the whole baby thing is done.

7. I'm tired of shaving, but I don't want to grow a beard.

8. Only three entries in the Emily caption contest. I call weak sauce. There are at least 15 unique visitors to this site every day. Let's be creative. Prize to the winner. Even my cousin entered and he lives in Texas and only met Emily once at our wedding.

9. Steve McQueen says "pppppffffft.. jog on!"

READ A BOOK!

Before you watch this and call me a racist, please realize its from BET. And its funny.

Today's Short List - 9/10

1. I wish I could complain about a full week of work. However, thanks to the Jewish employees of LAUSD I get Thursday off.

2. I was kind of sad that Pavarotti died. I don't listen to his music, but I know 3 things about him: (1) He was a good singer - really freakin' good (2) He did a song with U2 called Miss Sarajevo which is pretty good and on my iPod (3) He sang "Nessun Dorma" at the opening of World Cup 1990 in Italy (also on my iPod.

3. I've got a new drink in my repertoire. Pimm's Cup No.1. Its apparently a gin-based liquor, but its semi-sweet with an herbal/citrus type flavor. Mixed with Sprite Zero or ginger ale and its super tasty.

4. So Fred Thompson is running officially. I give him a less than 1% chance of winning. Entered too late. Too few events. Those events are too focused on raising money - not on the people.

5. I still support Obama despite his partnership with the devil - I mean Oprah.

6. If I had to vote for a Republican I think it would be Mike Huckabee. He was on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me this past weekend and he seemed really down to Earth and funny. I don't agree with his conservative politics, but I'd almost be willing to trade that to have a normal president. Please note: I am not voting Republican in 2008.

7. They officially released the title of the new Indiana Jones movie. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not sure what I think of that.

8. Did you know that it is really not safe to recline in the passenger seat of a moving car. Neither did I. However, Slate's Emily Bazelon had a little first-hand experience with this piece of safety trivia. (By the way, I have a little crush on Emily Bazelon because I think she has a nice voice and provides a very reasonable viewpoint of the Slate "Political Gabfest" podcast.)

9. Don't forget to enter the "What did Emily say?" caption contest. I swear she won't get mad at you.

Camping 2007

First, a caption contest. What is Emily saying in this picture? Best entry gets a prize. (I don't know the true answer)

I actually took around 50 pictures, but these are the cream of the crop. Note: At no time in any of my pics do you see all three DeClerk brother. Coincidence? Hmmm...

The bluffs. How nobody has fallen off that cliff in a drunken stupor in these many years is beyond me.
AAAAWWWW!!! Look how cute they are. Just after I took this picture they started making out. Gross. My only question is: Why is Lauri drinking water instead of Bud Light?


Some clouds make nice sunsets...


...other clouds bring an assload of rain and lightning. If there were ever clouds that signaled the coming of the apocalypse it was these clouds.

About 20 minutes after taking these pictures we were in our various cars waiting out the storm. Thanks again to Tim and Lauri for risking their lives to get us beer.


Lauri was the first victim of the mud. Here's her footprint. Unfortunately, there were no pictures of Rhiannon's (sp?) spill because it sounded like it was much better (worse from her viewpoint) than Lauri's "graceful genuflect".


I didn't want to alarm anybody at the time, but I saw a strange monster in the waves one night at the tracks. I first spotted him wrestling with some seaweed and then swimming in the surf. He never came out of the water, which is good because I saw Pete standing on the beach shortly after taking this picture.

Through rain, lightning, ocean monsters, ice shortages and intense hangovers, one thing remained constant: SLINGBALL.


Once again, nobody got hit by a train, although one of Tom's towels was certainly worse for wear after its run-in with Amtrak.



Again, there may be a prize for the best caption so leave your Emily caption in the comments section. You may enter as many times as you wish.

Today's List - 9/8

1. School started again Wednesday. Two periods of World History and two periods of American Government (which turns to Economics next semester). It looks like a good bunch of kids.

2. I have 4 sets of students with the same first and last names in the same class. For example, in one class I have two kids named Hugo Garcia. I also have identical twin brothers together in a class.

3. Award for the most unique name this year: a girl named Clad.

4. If you are one of those people that goes to the gym: please bring a towel with you and wipe off the machines when you are done. I don't want to deal with your sweat.

5. Countdown to new niece: 26 days.

6. I swear that I am going to put up some camping pictures at some point.

7. Did you see Jerry Lewis call someone an "illiterate fag" during his telethon? No, you can check it out here.

8. Watched "Hot Fuzz" last night. Pretty funny and worth a rent or a Netflix. Lots of fake blood. Incidentally, I had to watch the second half this morning since I went to bed on a Friday night at 9:30. Its too bad we didn't think to arrange to meet some friends for drinks instead - oh well. (That's a jab directed at two people who I know will read this).

9. I recently read two books by Dean Koontz. The first was "Odd Thomas" and then the second in that series "Forever Odd". The first one was a good read during camping. Interesting story with reasonably good writing. The second was not-so-good. Let's just say that an animal enters the story at some point and its completely ridiculous.

The List - 9/3

1. Camping was fun. We were caught in a beast of a thunderstorm that forced us into our cars for maybe 30-40 minutes. OK, it was the Rangers that forced us into our cars, not the storm. We were in the middle of the first game of slingball when they suggested that we find refuge in the cars. Tim, giving maybe the best quote of camping, says "Does he know we are in a tournament?"

2. I'm re-stating my previous belief that I am old. I needed to be in bed by 10:00 or so most nights during camping and woke up with back stiffness each morning.

3. Our new camping stove and percolator worked brilliantly.

4. Students show up Wednesday and its back to the grindstone. I try to make it sound bad so I can get sympathy, but #1: I love my job and #2: I shouldn't complain about actually having to work for the first time in 6 weeks.

5. For me, the ideal temperature for a swimming pool is between 72-76 degrees.

6. I made a list of things to do this summer and only completed about 1/2 of the items.

7. Liverpool is in first place and would look even better if we weren't completely fucked by the referee in the Chelsea game. He admitted his mistakes.

8. David Beckham looks to be done for the season. This may surprise you, but I am fine with that. Our season is shot and I would like him to be back to 100% by next season.

9. I hate to admit this, but I am a Michigan fan. Big loss Saturday to Appalachian State. Never heard of them? That's because they are Div. I-AA (now called something else). However, they are probably the best I-AA team, so there's that.

10. 20 more days until a new "The Office".

11. No more new Entourage until probably June I'm guessing. I was a little disappointed with this season until last night when they had topless chicks snorting cocaine off of each other's boobs. Its not the partial nudity that made up for a mediocre season, but all of the factors put together. Now I am only slightly disappointed.

12. I've been listening to a lot of my old punk and ska CDs again since I loaded them onto my iPod. I miss that stuff. Guttermouth, Lagwagon, Mr. T Experience, The Toasters, Specials, etc.

13. We were completely bombarded by flies last night in the apartment. Our theory is that the next door neighbors leave out a lot of nasty trash and when we made steak the flies came running. Final body count was about 30 dead flies in about 45 minutes. Most squished against various windows. One was mashed into the curtain - not pretty. We won in the end.

14. Man, its hotter than two hamsters having sex in a wool sock these days. (I got that one from another teacher)

The Office returns Sep. 27

Today's Short List - 8/24

1. Galaxy got owned last night. Completely ruined my birthday. 3-0 and those see-you-next-Tuesdays celebrated right in our face.

2. I saw another man's hairy ass last night. It was disturbing. It was a Chivas fan mooning us.

3. Highlight of the match. Riot Squad gathered by the tennis courts to pick up sombreros painted with the Riot Squad logo and followed a full mariachi band into our section. They played our chants and stayed in the section the whole time. We passed a sombrero and bought them beers. It was fun as hell. People's faces were priceless when they saw the procession.

4. Did you see that Baltimore lost 30-3 the other day. Not the Ravens, but the Orioles. The first time in the modern era of baseball (since 1900) that a team scored 30 runs.

5. I'm hungry and we're going camping.

Today's List - 8/23

1. I am officially old. Please use a larger font when typing comments.

2. Got a couple of nice gifts last night at dinner. In-laws got me a dinner at Marston's, but its not a normal dinner - its called a winemakers dinner. Along with a 5-course meal I (and a yet undetermined guest) will be sampling 5 wines from Zaca Mesa, a good winery from the Los Olivos area. Also got a very nice bottle of wine that you can find in my "wine cellar" at corkd.com (see link in sidebar. I have nice in-laws. I don't think most people can say that.

3. Buffets kick ass. We went to the Atheneum at CalTech last night for dinner. It was buffet night. Where else but a buffet can you have prime rib, swordfish, champagne chicken, spicy shrimp rolls, au gratin potatoes, and ratatouille all on one plate.

4. Galaxy vs. ChivasUSA is nationally televised tonight on ESPN. I'm not saying much more, but the supporter's group that I sit with (L.A. Riot Squad) always brings the heat for Chivas. The word "historical" has been used in reference to our planned mischief tonight. Check it out.

5. There are several situations in which I could spend an infinite amount of money: at a good wine shop, a bookstore, Target, a stationary store with nice pens, etc. Yesterday I re-discovered an old one: camping gear. I could buy camping gear all day. We got a new tent last year. Its pretty big, but we are hoping that it will hold our family one day. Yesterday we got a camp stove, a new big cooler with wheels, and a camping coffee percolator pot. There's about a million other things that I could buy.

6. Costco is currently selling a 160-quart ice-chest. Its a beast. I think a small person could sleep in there. You may think your cooler is big - well, its not. This one is.

7. I'm reading Tom Wolfe's Bonfire of the Vanities. I don't think I like it much, but I can't stop reading a book in the middle. Except the last book that Amanda recommended to me, but I stopped reading that because it was a very confusing sci-fi type book.

8. Happy early birthday to Pete. I think his is the 25th? Happy birthday also to my brother and to my grandmother. We all share the same birthday. Also, happy birthday to Kobe Bryant, Julio Franco, Keith Moon, and Shelley Long. I would say happy birthday to River Phoenix, but he's dead.

9. Want to hear something weird. I share a birthday with River Phoenix and my wife shares a birthday with Joaquin Phoenix. Joaquin Phoenix was in "To Die For" with Matt Dillon and Matt Dillon was in "Loverboy" with... Kevin Bacon. So there you go.

10. You should see the pen my wife got me for my birthday. It dominates all other pens.

Today's List - 8/21

1. If you want to see the wines that I am currently holding (waiting for consumption) you can go to this link. The link has a permanent home in the "Links" section in the sidebar. I think its a pretty good collection for someone who is far from rich.

2. There are only 3 of those wines that are staying in my possession for the long haul. Anytime you come by the apartment looking for a nice glass of wine I am likely going to take you up on the offer. Most wines don't age that well. I think there are several that I could hold for 5-7 years, but I would rather drink them.

3. Tomorrow is my last day in my 20s. I feel like I should do something that you should really only do while in your 20s. Any ideas?

4. Stamps. We have a buttload of stamps, none of which are enough to send a letter or bill. At this point I am sending out bills and stuff with more than 70 cents worth of stamps. Am I lazy or is it really not worth going to the Post Office to load up on 3-6 cent stamps.

5. Libraries are weird places. They let you borrow books for free. That's very trusting of them.

6. Summer has killed my ability to listen to Podcasts. I am way behind without the 30-minute drive to and from work.

7. Did you know that the NFL is in the middle of pre-season. I just figured that out yesterday. The only thing more boring than a 3+ hour NFL regular season game is a 3+ hour preseason game. Well, that and any NBA game. Basketball puts me to sleep.

Based on the short list you can probably tell that my day was relatively uneventful.

Bringing camping to the next level

As a kid growing up in a relatively poor family, camping was one of our most common vacations. (Side note: poor only lasted until I was maybe 11-12. Nothing against poor, but I don't want anyone thinking that I had a rough childhood financially). Once we hit the late teen years we were more likely to hit up places with hotels, although we still camped every so often. Nonetheless, camping is still one of my favorite vacations. Unfortunately, most of my camping stopped around college. I did camp in the middle of nowhere once during the summer after my freshman year in college. It was with the friends of a friend in Northern California. We passed the night drinking Keystone and Coors Light, throwing knives, and practicing roping a fake bull. It was a good time.

I have been re-introduced to camping by Amanda's friends in the last couple of years. They have been doing regular trips for something like 20 years (when their parents took them). However, the days of whiffle ball and running through poison-oak have been replaced by drinking absurd amounts of domestic beer in cans (usually Bud Light and Coors Light), walking down to the beach, reading, a little Sorry (in which I think I am undefeated), and talking shit around the campfire. Again, good times.

This year I am stepping it up a notch - at least for myself. Due to my somewhat recent obsession with wine, I am going to bring some quality wine to camping this year along with some plastic wine glasses. So far, my only choice is a 2005 Marquis Philips Sarah's Blend. Its a blend of shiraz, cabernet sauv., merlot, and a little cab franc. Being from Australia, it should be a complete fruit bomb, which should be just right for camping. I may also bring a bottle of Four Vines Naked Chardonnay (naked means that it was not aged in oak) for the daytime.

Don't get me wrong. For the most part I will be drinking nice cold domestic cans during the day, but the 14-15% alcohol found in these wines sound pretty good for the night.

Today's List - 8/20

So I'm back from my trip to New England and have a few ideas/comments/annoyances to share.

1. New England is old. I guess old means that you don't have to have street signs. We got lost a number of times. I think old also means that you can randomly change the name of streets. One street had three different names in the course of five blocks.

2. People in Massachusetts are serious about two things: the Red Sox and Dunkin' Donuts. We spent two days in Falmouth, MA. I saw no reference to Starbucks, but there were two Dunkin' Donuts - one was a drive-thru.

3. During one of our experiences being lost we drove through the ghetto of Providence. Their houses are not in very good condition, but they are really neat old Cape Cod style houses. However, we just missed witnessing someone rob a Burger King.

4. Downtown Providence has little parking. However, for some reason they don't put meters next to spots where the sidewalk has bricks, thus creating a few free parking spots. I'm not sure why.

5. Have you ever heard the rule "don't shit in an RV"? I think there should also be a rule "don't fart on an airplane". Someone dropped as maybe four times during our flight from Providence to Cleveland.

6. A lot of people like lobster. They served lobster at the wedding reception. It was a great idea and loads of fun to see people all dressed up wearing lobster bibs and making a mess. However, that's a lot of work to get to your food. Cows are much more suited for eating.

7. I like kids and wouldn't mind having a few of my own in the near future. However, kids on airplanes are annoying. Especially kids whose parents can't teach them that they don't have to whine constantly to get a drink of water and then kick the back of your chair.

8. Humidity sucks.

9. I got a call from the manager at BevMo while I was in Providence. I'm not sure he ever actually apologized, but he sounded apologetic and wanted me to call him back and let him know what happened so it won't happen again.

10. Most parks (and public places in general) have laws that require you to keep your dog on a leash. A lady in one park on Martha's Vineyard didn't follow that law. Her dog got its ass kicked by another dog. That dog was on a leash and the owner did a great job getting his dog away from the other dog. Then, just ten minutes later, the lady let her dog off the leash again. Oh, and the dog was wearing a pink bandanna.

11. During the fight, someone kept yelling "dog fight!". I'm not sure why, but it was funny.

12. We walked around Martha's vineyard for 3 hours or so and I never saw a vineyard. If they named places after the most common resource available they would change it from Martha's Vineyard to Martha's Ice Cream Shop. I saw maybe 20 of them.

13. Don't get me wrong. Martha's Vineyard was beautiful. Very relaxing. People in the park flying kites. Amazing 100+ years old homes. Clear water on the beaches. I enjoyed my time there.

14. Human beings were not meant to fly. 5 hours on a plane is just not comfortable. I've been to Italy and that was 9+ hours. We really need to invent teleportation soon.

15. This video is funny:

Today's List - 8/13

1. This will be my last post for a few days.

2. This is officially my 300th post.

3. E-mail. I am used to getting somewhere around 20-30 e-mails every day. In the last 3 days I got maybe 15 total. Weird. I'm not counting spam either.

4. Did you hear Karl Rove is quitting at the end of the month? What the hell is Bush going to do? Think on his own? Scary. Good riddance though.

5. Baja Fresh really went skimpy on the steak tonight in my burrito. Very disappointing. They forgot the sour cream too.

6. My homie Randy is moving to Alaska on Thursday. I wish him well. Watch out for the bears and moose. Randy is a good guy and I'll miss having him around to harass and make fun of when he gets really hammered. I'm not sure the 49th state will be able to handle two Moe brothers at once.

7. Did you know that Tim Burton directed Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. I did, but I guess its not really common knowledge. Caught the last 30 minutes tonight and I enjoyed it for entirely different reasons than when I was 9.

8. I am slowly approaching 7,000 visitors to this site. I may have a prize waiting for #7000 (or the person that comes closest to being #7000 that I can actually give the prize to.

Today's List - 8/12

1. Thanks to those that came by my/Steve's b-day gathering at the Crown last night. I think we made up half of the total customer count.

2. My body simply does not recover from drinking at an acceptable rate. I had the "ring of fire" all day. I mean, I drank a lot of beer, but it was only beer. There has to be a solution. B12 or something.

3. After watching hours of Shark Week I decided that I would never go in the water again. Just now I watched a repeat of another show on Discovery that talked about irukandji. They are a super-small (almost microscopic) jellyfish whose sting is 100 times more deadly than a cobra. You simply can't see them. I know that they are most common in places like Australia, but it reinforces my decision to only swim in pools. I may swim in lakes though as they don't seem to have as many deadly predators.

4. Galaxy suck. Becks may not help.

5. Anyone else watch Entourage? Really disappointing season in my view.

6. There's another cool ocean show on Discovery tonight. I think its called Deep Blue. It makes me wish that I had HD.

Today's List - 8/11

1. BevMo can eat my ass. I went yesterday to take back a bottle of wine that I bought there last week. When I opened the bottle the cork was falling apart because it was so soaked with wine and the wine smelled funny. I'm no wine expert, but I do know when a wine has been cooked (exposed to high heat). All I wanted was a new bottle of the same wine. They decided to give me attitude about it like I was trying to cheat them out of $11. In any case, my shopping days at the Pasadena BevMo are done and I wrote the company an angry letter.

2. Premiership opened today. Liverpool claimed 3 points with a win over Aston Villa. Steven Gerrard hit a brilliant free kick in the 87th minute to give us the win. Man, its really nice to have some EPL to wake up to in the mornings again.

3. Saw Bourne Ultimatum last night. It was OK. They seemed to rip off some ideas from other sources like X-Men and Steven Seagal movies. The other two were better.

4. People are lame. When you show up to a movie on a Friday night just as its starting don't expect to get a great seat. Also don't whine about those of us who arrived early not moving over so you can have the end-of-the-aisle seat that we arrived 20 minutes before to get.

5. Last night Randy, Pete, and I were trying to come up with the ideal cast for the always pending G.I. Joe live action movie. I found several places on the net that have mentioned Mark Wahlberg playing the role of Duke. I can see that. The article for #6 also says that the role of Roadblock will be played by Ice Cube. That would get him redemption in my eyes for the "Are We There Yet" Fiasco.

6. Thundercats movie? That's also a rumor, but it seems much further along in the process than G.I. Joe. Hugh Jackman as Lion-O. Jessica Simpson as Cheetara. Micheal Clarke-Duncan as Panthro. That's what I've read.

7. Both Thundercats and G.I. Joe are slated for a 2010 release, but He-Man is slated for 2009. Joel Silver of the Matrix is involved.

8. I usually don't talk about movie stuff this much. Have you noticed how crappy the movie selection is these days? Honestly, three years ago Amanda and I would never have seen Bourne Ultimatum. There's always Harry Potter in another 18 months. And the teaser for the next Batman (The Dark Knight) is up on the net in a few places.

9. Next time you're at the movies make this drink: in a cup just less than 1/2 full of ice - about 10-15% Sprite, then about 70% Lite Lemonade, then top it off with more Sprite. Its delicious.

Enjoy your day.

Today's List - 8/10

1. I finally got called into jury duty. However, I was there for less than an hour and they let me postpone until my winter break. Word on the street is just before Christmas is a good time to get called in because judges don't like tho be there before Christmas.

2. People are annoying. This lady explained, very clearly I thought, the reasons one could get excused from jury duty and the reasons/methods/consequences of postponing jury duty. Essentially, you just had to step outside and talk to the "postponement interviewers and give them a good reason to postpone and pick a new week up to 90 days away. Easy, right? I guess not. The first question asked was "Can I get postponed for a vacation?" Answer: talk to the interviewers. Next 5 questions: "Can I get postponed for ___________?" Next 5 answers: talk to the interviewers. At this point she said "Let me clarify. I can't grant your postponement. Whatever your reason is, you will need to talk to the interviewers." Next question: "Can I get postponed for maternity leave?" I feel bad for that baby because her mom is retarded.

3. There are a lot of tall buildings in Downtown LA. They create this sort of wind tunnel that feels like a good breeze, but I think its filled with pollution.

4. David Beckham made his MLS debut last night. Exciting? Meh. They lost and played like complete shite until he came on. However, at that point Galaxy had lost one player to a red card and 20 minutes wasn't going to save us. We'll see what happens next.

5. Anybody ever been to Providence or Cape Cod? We're looking for stuff to do. I'm thinking about a pirate museum in Salem. Amanda says that the Salem Witch Museum is corny and the pirate museum is loosely affiliated so my expectations are pretty low. I would also like to visit the JFK library. I've been to the LBJ library in Austin, TX. However, I've never been to the Reagan library which is really close. Or Nixon, which is also really close. Maybe its because they are Republicans.

6. I made a list of things to do this summer. There are maybe 40 things on the list and I've only done 4. I need to get crackin'.

7. Amanda Tivo'd this really strange kids show(?) that involves dogs dressed up like people. Its one of those its-so-bad-that-its-awesome things. Here's a really crappy YouTube version that is clearly some guy recording it off his TV, but you'll get the point. We saw it on HBO Family.



8. Is "Tivo'd" really a word. Can I "tivo" something even though I don't have Tivo? (I have Time Warner DVR)

That's about it for now. Enjoy the weekend.

Today's list - 8/9

Now that we are in summer I have a little extra time to blog and a lot of things that I want to say. Therefore, for the rest of the summer, I am going to write a list of the things that I have on my mind. They may best based in anger, mired in hate, soaked in positivity, or completely devoid of emotion. So here's today's list.

1. Went to the Angels vs. Red Sox last night. Pops used the company seats and we sat maybe 15 rows back of the visitors dugout - nice seats. I love baseball - grew up playing it. But man, this game takes FOREVER. First pitch was at 7:05 and the game ended about 11:10. Over four hours. Soccer is 90 minutes plus extra time (maybe 5-6 minutes) and you're done. No timeouts, commercial breaks, etc. Makes your life so much easier.

2. I hate Orange County. My Dad and I went to a bar/restaurant before the game for a pint and some food. (since I definitely don't want to eat at Angel Stadium anymore). There were no less than 6 guys in there with feauxhawks and it seemed to be part of the uniform for waiters. All of these OC people look the same. Its like communism or something. Orange Curtain.

3. People from Boston are lame (except the ones that I know - Jodi, Fr. Mark, etc.). I would guess that maybe 1/3 of the people at the game were Red Sox fans. Why? If you like Boston so much why do you live here in So Cal? And, if your team is so great why have they only won the World Series once in like 90 years? Shit, the Mets have won it twice and they've only been a team for 46 years. Stick with hockey. Oh wait, your hockey team sucks. Football? Well, they actually play in Rhode Island. Basketball? KG is not going to save you. Even your soccer team, which also plays in Rhode Island, can't win a title.

4. The Angels suck. Yes, I know they are in first place, but I don't think I saw one Angels player show any sign of emotion last night. I guess losing isn't a big deal. Maybe you could have done more to put it in the faces of the 20,000 annoying Bostonians? Well, with 162 games in a season I guess one loss is no big deal. At least they're not the completely useless Dodgers.

5. Jury Duty update. Well, its Thursday morning and I'm blogging so you can probably figure it out for yourself - no call-in yet.

6. Just finishing City of Falling Angels. Good book. I like his writing. However, with about 50 pages to go I am not sure that there will be an ending. Its part of that genre of books that is non-fiction written more like fiction - narrator, dialogue, etc. There's a couple story lines that I want to see closed out, but I won't necessarily die if they don't. I'm not sure what kept me going on this book, but its really really good.

7. I liked Harry Potter too.

8. Birthday party - Saturday 5-? at the Crown. Come by and meet my family.

9. Thursday drink-'til-your-vision-blurs day.

A couple of funny things

First, there is a website that Arianna Huffington set up where you can do a search on a name, address, or zip code to see how much money people have donated to campaigns and to whom they gave this money. My birthplace, Redlands, is home to a Mormon super-temple (not the official name, but its more important than a regular one) and there are two really big Mormon families that I know of who maxed out on donations to Mitt Romney. I'm not poking fun, it was just interesting to see.

Second, Slate has a story about Rudy Giuliani's daughter and how her facebook page showed that she was a member of a facebook group called "One million strong for Barack" D'oh!

Finally, check out the new awesome license plate that you could have if you lived in Oklahoma:


Why oh why do I have to live in California?

A few notes to keep you/me entertained

1. Barry Bonds can eat a dick. I'm just glad A-Rod will pass him in a few years.

2. Have you been the recipient of an e-mail saying that you got an e-card from either Colleague, Neighbor, or some other non-descript well-wisher? Me too. Don't go to the link - its a virus of some sort. No, I did not learn from my mistake. I learned from my brilliance which said "very few of your neighbors or colleagues like you and the ones that do wouldn't send you an e-card." So be warned.

3. This is my week for jury duty. So far I have not had to report. I feel my luck running out. However, I am flying out Tuesday for a wedding in Massachusetts so I'm thinking that will get me out. If not, I will make some racist comments.

4. I turn 30 this month. There's a rumor floating about that I will be celebrating early on the 11th due to my absence on the following 2 weekends. This rumor also says that we have the back room at the Crown reserved.

5. English Premier League starts Saturday. Liverpool open against Aston Villa. I may have to open the season at Lucky's for breakfast. Kicks off at 9:00.

6. Lynlee says that she only visits Escape from the Rat Race to use the link to get to this blog. Please go visit Rat Race so Pete can stop drowning his tears in Sapphire and Tonic.

That is all.

Note to self...

...don't try to clown Kevin Smith - a man who has made a living being witty. If you do, this could happen. In fact, it did happen at ComicCon this year.